That was a really powerful story ironkitty. So honest.
ironkitty--I'm trying to figure out what I want to say about it, but can't find the right words.
thank you for posting your story.
wow, i don't know what to say either ironkitty.
you sound like an amazing, strong, capable mama.
thank you for sharing your story.
I wish I knew you in person.
I'm so glad you told your story ironkitty.
and I love the way you write...I could not stop reading.
that was so powerful ironkitty. amazing.
I'm not quite sure i qualify to make a story yet as i am only 9 weeks pregnant but so far i feel like emotionally i've gone through a lot.
I met my bf over the internet. He added my email from my personal website and we clicked straight away. He was charming and funny and was exactly what i wanted in a guy. I was 15 and he was 14 and we had our first date at icearena which was fun. The relationship developed and i just fell for him more and more. He wasn't like the usual arseholes i've met. From then on we spent all our time together and we only occassionally argued and was always over stupid little things.
We got together in february 2006 and have been together ever since. He's always treat me perfect and even at 16 years old i feel i have found my soul mate. Now when he found out i was pregnant he was devastated as he wishes to persue a career in the RAF. I explained to him how i planned to make it work ( which all fits perfectly ) and he was willing to stand by me. He sat one night and picked out baby names and put them in my msn name so i was so happy that he was being involved and didnt run a mile. However, once we told his mum and dad everything changed. They packed all my bags ( i was living with them after being kicked out my mums ) and dumped them all at my mums. They demanded i have to get an abortion and now my bf also thinks i should have one. I understand he isnt ready at 15 but he can still go to college and join the RAF so i don't see the huge deal.
This is the situation i am in now... 9 weeks pregnant and still with my bf were still in love but he still wants me to have the abortion. I really want to keep my baby but feel i need the emotional support from him. I think it's because were such a close couple until this and hes my other half. Anyone any ideas how i can get him to come round?
Listen closely dear Rachel, because this is your life your talking about. Get out of the mindset that you can "make him come around". You want him to stick around because you need emotional support? Hello?! I don't want to sound like Dr. Laura here, but wake up! If he is not supporting your descision to want to have a child, your only setting yourself up for disaster by thinking that somehow, because YOU know what time it is, that he will come around too. As humans we have a problem with thinking that just because we are changing and growing, that other people around us, as if by osmosis, will also grow up. WRONG. If you want to have the baby, do it, if you dont, well, then abort. Its not anyone's descision but yours, and you will be the primary caregiver, it will be your responsibility to raise that child, not his, as much as you want to hope and wish that were true. And unless the people giving you advice are going to step in and take responsibilities off your hands, what they say is irrelevant. And once that child is born, you will quickly realize, that it ain't about you anymore, and it ain't about him either. So do what you want to do, what empowers you, and what makes you feel like your fulfilling your purpose in life, with no expectations and no regrets.
hey, wow that reply had some attitude but you're right. I've made up my mind and i'm keeping my baby. I told BD i would love for him to stick around but either way im keeping baby. He said if i really want to keep it then it's up to me... i don't know if he will stick around but hopefully so. I know i can do this and i'm ready for it. I was in hospital over-night last night with bleeding and pain and when i had my scan this morning i am only 6 weeks gone and fetal heartbeat is a little faint but i could see it flickering on the ultrasound. Turns out i had/ am having a threatened miscarriage but the doctors told me the blood loss isn't coming from the pregnancy.. not quite sure what he meant but the fetus is normal and i should be ok. Now i'm really hoping i don't miscarry as i really want this to work now i've made up my mind.
Even though I'm not technically a single mom yet, I wanted to add my story because I will be in about 11 weeks and I was reading this thread and got really touched by all the stories.
When I met BD, I had just turned 14. We had talked before, but we never actually were friends until the summer of '06. He had just gotten arrested and was on house arrest, so I went to visit him with my once best friend, Rebeca. She had been friends with him for a while and wanted to check up on him. We went to his house and sat outside with him for awhile and continued that for hours almost everyday. We would just sit on his stoop or driveway because he wasn't allowed to leave his house and his mother wouldn't let anyone go inside.
Eventually, we became closer and on August 18, 2006 we started dating. I was completely swept off my feet with him from the start. He called me all the time and told me all of theses things I had never dreamed about hearing from a guy. We spent so much time together and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I lost my virginity to him about 3 months after we were going out and at that time I thought I was going to be with him, happy, forever. Soon, he was off house arrest and we were together even more than before.
About a year into the relationship, I started feeling smothered. I felt like I couldn't do anything without him and if I did, he would get mad. He would make me feel guilty if I wanted to go out with my girlfriends and have a "girls' night out". He made me feel guilty and got mad at me if he discovered I was talking to different guys at school. Even if I just wanted to stay home for a night to hang out with my mom, he would either get pissed or guilt me into coming out.
He had had a problem with depression for about 4 years, since he was about 12, and often was hospitalized for suicide attempts. After we started going out, I helped him through it the best I could. I had went through the same thing when I was 12-13, so I knew what it was like. After awhile he was happy, he wasn't depressed anymore. I was glad about that, but soon enough he started using his depression against me. Like if I wanted to go somewhere without him, he would fall into it again. It made me feel horrible.
We had been going out for about a year and 3 months, I found out I was pregnant. He said he was going to stand by me no matter what and support me with everything. I decided I was going to keep the baby and I was happy about my decision, but I couldn't help the feelings of being trapped from entering my mind. I thought, "Once I have this baby, I'll never be able to get away from him." I found myself often fantasizing about breaking up with him and wondering how happy I'd be.
One day, I did. I broke up with him. He called me yelling at me for some stupid reason and I did it. I sat on the phone with him afterwards for hours because I felt so bad. He cried and cried and cired. And he said a lot of things that I knew were trying to make me feel guilty. I hung up the phone with him and went to bed. The next morning, he called me and did the same thing. I decided I'd go back out with him, even though 89% of me didn't want to.
I was miserable still for about 3 or 4 months until I made my final decision, I was going to break up with him. I did it and was firm about it. I told him I couldn't stay on the phone with him because I knew he would get me to break. I told him not to call me in the morning. He called me a couple days later instead. He wanted me to hang out with him and some of my friends. I did and the whole time he sat in the corner of the house we were in, all by himeself, not saying a word. It made me so mad! I went outside on the front porch of Rebeca's house, where we were at, to sit and clear my thoughts. Soon he followed me and was soon yelling at me for being too happy. He said I should be sad and that I was a horrible person. That he is so depressed and wants to kill himself because of me. It took all my might not to hit him. I walked home alone and told him to fuck himself when he tried to follow me.
Now, we fight back and forth. He says he's gonna be there but I don't know if he really is. Honestly, I don't care one way or the other. Part of me won't trust him with my baby because he's so angry and has such a bad temper. He throws lamps at his mom when they fight, his room has so many holes from punches that you can hardly count them, and he punched his window and his door out. He gets into fights all the time, and when he was mad at me, the look he got in his eyes always scared me. He was even arrested for hitting a man over the head with a beer bottle and knocking him unconcious (he was stealing beer out of the mans garage). The man had to get around 20 something stitches.
Anyway, he called me about once a week even after we broke up. But now he has a new girlfriend and I haven't talked to him once in 3 weeks. He suposedly wanted really bad to come to the doctors with me (before he had that girlfriend) and then he just didn't call or anything. I realize that he has chosen his girlfriend over his kid, and if that's the way he wants it.. then its fine with me.
Because I know that my kid doesn't need someone like that in his/her life and I'm happy with that now. When people give me that appalled look when I tell them I broke up with him, I laugh. I laugh because it's so absurd that some people think that you can only be happy if you are with someone else. Well, guess what people? I'm happier than I have ever been and I don't need a guy to make me that way.
Wow, your bd sounds exactly like mine. Awesome that you got away from him, I spent a good year trying to break up with his ass and he still calls me and wants to get back together with me. He doesn't know how to take no for an answer and thinks I am just "being mean" or joking when I tell him I don't want to be with him. It sucks.
Yeah, it does definately suck. Last time I talked to him he was yelling at me because I was hanging out with my two friends, Sharon and Cliff, who are dating. He seems to think that I was "in love" (yeah, that was his words) with Cliff because I hung out with him once. I'm hoping he'll cut it out now that he's got this new GF, but who knows seeing as I havent heard from him in 3 wks (good riddance).
Well i was hoping i would be able to post a more positive story. I posted the ''so far'' story. But no happy ending for me. I miscarried saturday 12th May.I'm absolutely devastated and i wish i had have been stronger. Good luck to everyone else.
well how i got here is a pretty simple yet unusual one......i met bd when i was 15 and heavy into drugs and alcohol living on my own to toronto.....and had just got out of some pretty bad relationships........he got me sober got us an partment took care of me while i went threw school and was very supportive..........at the beginning he would get very emotionally abusive when i would relapse and hit me a couple of times but i felt lke i was forever in his debt for soberin me up and getting me off of the streets......... i became pregnant at 16 and miscarried ......and then became pregnant again at 17 and miscarried again.....it was devestating but we got through it together.
i guess im gonna have to back tract a bit here and say that i had always known that i was gay and just kind of masked it by being bi sexual to family and friends so that i could make everyone happy......but whe ni got pregnant with aidyn i came to a realization that i will no longer do this just to make everyone else happy because thats not the example i wanted to show my kid i wanted him to be able to be open and to do what makes him happy and fuck what everyone else thinks about it......... so i broke up with bd when aidyn was 3 months old and hes moving out of the first of june in like 6 days and counting....its been 3 months and im loving every minute of it...i finally have the confidence to go tocollege and be an amazing single mom to my son
what a good story! I am glad you are at such a good place.
i finally have the confidence to go to college and be an amazing single mom to my son
Me too. I think it take so much to get to that point. I'd wish you good luck, but like many of the mamas here, you got more than luck already helping you.
I've just spent the last few hours reading the posts in this thread - what a good thread! After reading them all I realized I've never told my own story...maybe I was never ready to hear it myself. Even 6 years down the road it's sometimes too heavy for swimming. Funny how things that seem so trivial at the time shape our lives, isn't it?
I met my bd when I was 15. He was 22. I was on a pretty lousy path at that time, hardly going to school, spending every weekend sneaking out with friends to go to clubs and forming what would be a pretty hefty coke habit. I'd been into drugs for years, and in the same year started selling them, too. Everyone I knew did drugs, and those friends I'd had who didn't I suddenly didn't want anything to do with.
Anyway, I met bd at the club I'd always go to through mutual friends, and was attracted to him instantly. I remember sometimes just sitting there watching him dance and being mesmerized...I wanted to know him, bad. Time went on and we became friends, all the while I was hoping for more but never let on. He must have heard something through my friends, because one day he was dropping me off at home and kissed me. I remember being ridiculously excited...the kind of excitement only naive youth brings!
Things in my life were pretty insane at that point, my parents fighting all the time and coming down on me hard for everything, I was failing at school if I ever bothered to go (up until high school I'd been a straight A student), I was at that point addicted to coke, my close friend was in the hospital dying because of a drug overdose, not to mention I'd been battling crippling depression for the last couple of years combined with the suicide of my first boyfriend.
Everything snowballed and I got into a huge arguement with my step dad, he ended up pushing me (looking back now I can say I deserved it...I was punching the guy, what else could he do?). I freaked, and left that night when everyone was sleeping. I went to a friends' place, but that weekend when I saw bd he said I should come and stay with him until I could get ahold of a different friend I was meant to stay with. I was thrilled, and of course obliged. A few days turned into a few weeks, turned into him not wanting me to leave...me not wanting to leave. I still have my journal from those days, and god was I gushing. I thought I was the luckiest person alive.
Our relationship seemed perfect then. He was this good looking guy with a great car, great job, lots of great friends. He was a gentleman (we didn't even sleep together for 2 months...sleeping in the same bed, HE refused...it was too soon). We had so much fun together, and everything was just great. And he LOVED me. He was into drugs too, but nowhere near the level I was. My life at that point revolved around drugs, even with him there I had so many moments where the only thing I cared about was getting the next high..I even stole money from him while I thought he was sleeping (he wasn't, ouch).
After we'd been together a few months, on some drug binge, I said we should get married, and he thought so too. In my head this meant we were engaged...looking back it probably didn't to him. At some point I had my wake up call and realized I needed to stop with the drugs. This was probably the hardest thing I've ever done, and I did it with no support. My friends were still doing drugs, hell I was still selling them for months after I stopped doing them (for 6 months into my pregnancy, actually). I still very little contact with my family, and besides I could never talk to them about something like that, and bd didn't understand - he'd never gone near coke and never had a problem with drugs, he just didn't get it. Somehow I quit..but I spiralled into a deep depression. I was on anti deppressants that weren't working, trying to kill myself on a regular basis, just being a massive idiot really.
Around this same time I thought it was a brilliant idea to have a baby. I would talk to bd about it all dreamy-like and he agreed. Again this was probably like the marriage thing...in my head that meant yep, he wants one now...in his head who knows what was going on. He couldn't have been that blind though, I was reading books on how to conceive, and telling him to do this or that with his diet, or whatever...I even stood on my head (yep, I'm nuts lol). Later he'd tell me everything I told him he'd do the opposite of..that he didn't have the heart to tell me he didn't really want kids, not then, not ever. I got pregnant in May, about 2 months after I'd gone sober. In July he gave me a ring and asked me to marry him. At this point we were fighting all the time, huge vicious fights that always ended up with him crying and me trying to kill myself. I cheated on him twice while he was away with work, feeling guilt ridden and horrible afterwards.
But still, I thought this was normal somehow. Still, we stayed living together, and even got married in December. We hated each other by then, but it just seemed like the thing to do...we'd been together so long, we'd planned to do this...we had a baby coming, it was what you did, right? I guess I thought maybe it was just a rough patch...
Gabriel was born in February. He was great throughout the whole pregnancy, and great with Gabe. He changed every diaper, would read to him, would rock him to sleep...would do anything I asked, and always wanted to know I was ok. But I didn't feel lucky...I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him, and nothing he did was good enough. When Gabriel was 7 weeks old we moved across the country...to a place where neither of us knew anyone. I wanted to get away from my past, he didn't want to go but I convinced him. I hated it there...I was homesick and depressed. I had postpartum depression (which eventuated into ppp), and was horrible to be around. He resented me for the fact that we had less money where we'd moved to, that we had less friends...we grew further and further apart. After Gabriel was born we didn't have sex once. I guess we thought it was a phase - it wasn't.
Eventually he stopped coming home, saying he slept at work. Then it would be weekends at a time. Then one day he called on Monday after a weekend out and said he wasn't coming back, he couldn't do it anymore. I cried like I'd never cried before. Looking back it wasn't about him..it was about my idea of what life was meant to be. In my head marriage was meant to be hard...you hit patches like that and you deal with at and move on...that's what I thought back then anyway. For months I tried to get him back, playing every card I could. Finally I realized it wasn't happening. I tried to get him to maintain a relationship with Gabriel, but he wasn't interested. He'd show up hours/days late...or not at all at the arranged meeting times. I always called him, never the other way around. He didn't give me any money even though he knew I could not possibly work while living there, and had no other options. We picked up and moved back home to stay with my parents. Another one of the hardest choices I've ever made...I knew doing so meant that Gabriel wouldn't see his dad, it's an expensive flight and he wasn't that invested when we were around the corner. Gabe was 8 months old then. I was more than right. I had my last conversation with bd when Gabe was about 14 months old. In one of our last conversations bd said to me "you may be a shitty wife, but you are a really good mother," and it's funny how that's stuck with me. I don't think he meant it as a compliment...but that's all I've ever taken it to be. I think it was also his way of saying he was finished with it...that he trusted us to be ok without him. After that he moved and became unreachable. I never got any child support, even though I filed. I still don't. He owes tens of thousands that we'll never see. I had to file for divorce on my own...a process that took 3 years because I couldn't track him down. I have full custody, with stringent visitation terms, but it won't ever matter...he won't fight it. Now he moves every few months when child support catches up with him. I still have vague contact with his parents, but they aren't very interested either...who knows what he's told them.
But...now that so much time has passed I am so thankful that he left. The person I am now is so incredibly liberated in comparison to who I was back then, who I'd probably still be if we were together. I feel like I have lived two seperate lives, and this one is a million times more fulfilling. I also realize that while a lot of fault goes to him...I was actually the one that was abusive in that relationship. Sure I COULD credit a lot of that to my depression at the time, but it's been much more positive for me to look at what I did wrong and try to improve myself as a person and a partner. BUT that said...it doesn't excuse him from the fact that he's not in Gabriel's life. That has nothing to do with me. I used to think it did, I used to blame myself..now I realize that is a ridiculous notion. If it were upside down and he were the one with custody it would take the world splitting into two pieces to keep me away from Gabe.
I didn't know my own father growing up, but I've gotten to know him in the last few years, and I understand how painful it was for him not to be a part of my life when I was younger. I guess that's how I see it...this isn't my loss, it isn't my son's loss, at the end of the day it's bd's loss. Gabriel is at a stage now where he has lots of questions about things...and is constantly talking about daddies and how he wishes he had one. He made a father's day card at school this year and wanted to send it (I could have killed his teacher for being so insensitive, she knows his father is not in his life!). That can be hard...but I just keep telling him "all families are different, and you have so many people that love you." And I know it's true..we're a tiny family, but we're full of love, stability, honesty, reality, trust. What more can you ask for??! I remember when it was a lot harder for me my mantra used to be "One good parent is better than two bad parents." And when we were together that's exactly what we were.
Wow...there's my novel, and it doesn't even feel finished! Long time coming, I suppose...
Also..I wanted to say thanks to everyone else who has posted. I guess sometimes we all slide backwards...and lately I've been maybe too idealistic about the whole "if only I had a man in my life" business. I've been on and off with my current bf for almost a year, and we're at a pretty critical off stage right now. I think idealism is what keeps me going back. It can be so great, and we really mix well...but wow, all the signs I think I was missing after reading through your posts. Think I might just be calling it quits this time.
thanks for posting your story. You've gone through quite the whirlwind