i have trichtotillomania, and lately its been getting really bad. i first started hair pulling in high school, but it went fairly unnoticed to every besides my hairsylist, who just chalked it up to random breakage every once in a while. now, its to the point where people are starting to notice because i have actually began doing it in public, and there's always the questions:
why do you do that to yourself?
why dont do you just stop?
what's your problem???
and the thing is, i dont have answers to any of these questions really. i started pulling my hair when i realized that i didnt agree with the way my mom was raising me, when i felt like i didnt fit in, when i started disagreeing with organized religion, and when i just started to get really depressed. it's like when things happen to me, i dont know how to handle them, and i just start pulling. it could be something small like being really sleepy but needing to tend to the baby to something big like not knowing if i'm gonna be able to buy food to eat for the next week. i just wish i knew of another way to handle my problems. i'm always hearing that i should talk to someone about my problems, especially since i was sexually abused for about a year by a relative when i was younger, but i just feel like talking doesnt help. i didnt even tell anyone about the molestation incident until about 9 years after it happened, and that was only because i was pregnant and had threatened to take my own life. once i told people, i immediately wished i hadnt because instead of comforting me everyone started focusing on my relative and how to make him pay which i totally didnt care about.
anyway tho, the hair pulling is becoming extremely excessive, and i know that it has to be terribly unhealthy. i want help. but i feel like i have tried everything. i have been to two psychologists, and i even checked myself into a mental institution once where i was diagnosed with PTSD and bi-polar disorder. sometimes i just want to scream.
what should i do? is there any help out there?
Maybe try a new psychologist or psychiatrist. Can you think of other things to do when you are stressed out? Like maybe exercise or read a book or something?
First off, **hugs** to you mama and I'm sorry your having to go through this. I know firsthand how tough it can be to deal with.. I also have dealt w/ trich from time to time, and catch myself pulling again particularly when im upset/angry/frustrated.. it got worse after I quit cutting (its been almost 2 years).
It first began back in 6th grade when my OCD was at its worst, I was depressed, and frequently self injuring. It got to the point where I had a bald spot, but I denied the pulling and everyone blamed it on the medication. But people at school noticed.. you couldnt miss the hair on the floor when class ended.. Eventually it tapered off, but I still pull from time to time. Im sure it would be more noticeable if it werent for my dreads.
Honestly, as much as you may not want to, counseling is really what you need right now. You can get better, but its going to take some work, and it wont be easy. Trich is a form of SI as Im sure you know and SI is merely an unhealthy, maladaptive coping method which unfortunately works. But becauses its a means of coping, you really have to find other means of coping to replace the SI behavior, and a counselor can be helpful in doing that. Also, Im sure part of the behavior stems from your abusive experiences as a child and until you work through all that pain, its going to be really tough, if not impossible to heal from the trich.
My heart goes out to you mama and if you need to talk please pm me.. I understand and I wont judge you (I always worried people would think I'm crazy).. and honestly this is the FIRST time I've publicly admitted to this, but I really wanted to share my story with you.
i also have a story to share if you want to talk I si currently on and off. pm me if u wanna talk mama!
first of all, let me introduce myself as alot of you might not remember me. I used to post as thebarkingbird and was an active member here a couple years ago and have kind of lurked about for the last year or so as i'm a bit older now (25). Just didn't want you to feel that some wierdo stranger is poping from nowhere to talk about your issues.
I have had a problem with hair plucking and more serious self injury too. The hair plucking stopped and the serious nail biting (bleeding nail beds and scars people would stop me to ask about) after some therapy. I didn't go because of the SI stuff though. I went for treatment for bipolar disorder.
maybe you could try journaling? that way you might get a better idea of what's going on in your head around the time you're doing these things. what thoughts trigger it or is it just stress. when i was pulling hair it was morea bout controle the cutting was somethign else.
if you've had trouble with therapy make a list of what those therapists had in common that you didn't like and ask around for one that fits your needs. were they controling? did they talk down to you? did they seem to miss the big problem? therapy can't help if you don't give the WHOLE story but you can't give the whole story unless you can trust your therapist. I went through that cycle too. Finding a good one is like dating. takes alot of tries to get a good fit.
i understand your frustration about people pushing you to punish. i was raped in high school and never wanted to have the guy punished. how would that help me?!
anyway, i'm going to post a re intro. so yall can know who i am. if you want to pm or email me feel free.
first i wanna say thank you to everyone for all the kind words, the encouragement, the advice, and for sharing your stories with me and offering your support. this is the first time i have even openly shared these things with anyone, and it just feels good to know that i'm not being judged, but being understood. i have tried to do different things to relieve my stress like journaling, playing my guitar, cooking, drawing, just all sorts of things, but nothing relieves me like pulling my hair. i am seriously considering counseling especially with the new found severity of my case. today, i went to get my hair trimmed, and i had so many bald spots, i almost cried. my stylist kept askin me what happened and all i could say was...i dont know. i was so embarrassed. i really want to talk to someone about it, but i feel like i cant trust anyone, and i also have this feeling that if someone thinks i am unstable that my son could be taken from me. i think that is worst fear. i'm sorta frantic cause i no i REALLY need counseling, but i have no insurance and really cant afford to see anyone without some sort of financial assistance. so now...i'm wearing gloves, scarves, and hats. it's sorta helping, although i still have the urge. do any of you have any other suggestions? i've been thinking of shaving my head since its getting bad, and is actually somewhat noticeable...
If you PM me with your state/provence, and a near by big city, then I can help you find a therapist that is sliding scale/free.
First of all welcome, and you are so strong for coming out of the closet and finding help. Heres a few avenues that may help:
1. www.theicarusprject.com
If you don't want to go into therapy, and aren't ready, it won't help you, because you will be disconnected, and the only way for you to resolve any of your issues is to feel safe enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable so you can be in a place to heal. Most people don't realize how difficult this is, and that finding the right therapist that you feel comfortably with takes time.
2. The PSTD workbook by mary beth williams
If you don't feel comfortable going to a therapist, and are in a place where you can have maybe an hour every couple of days in a private room by yourself (perhaps when kiddo is napping?)this is a great place to start. You can use this book at your own pace, and it teaches you how to control your emotions, in a way that you learn to release them and resolve them without hurting yourself or anyone. If you cant get one I have a copy I can make copies of for you.pm me.
3. Google support groups in your area, and goto the meetings. If there arent' any support groups specific to your dilemma, just pick one, and go anyway.
4. Share your story, it will help someone. Keep sharing. Anonymously if need be.
5. Hang out with your kid, that is a healing experience in and of itself, and you may not even know it when its happening.
6. Stick around.