Its a touchy subject. Mama's all over the world who may feel that they have lost a sense of love with their children but are to afraid to express themselves because of fears that society will condem us as wrong. How could you not love your baby they said to me.....How could you not want to be his mom anymore. you have spent nearly 3 years with this child and just not after he has known u for his whole life are u saying that you cant do this.
These are the echos in my head from everyone I told that I didnt WANT to be a mom anymore. I didnt want to get up at night and tend to a fever, I didnt want to work a shit job just to pay all my money in daycare, I didnt want to have to fight for child support anymore.....Im tired...Tired of having a shitty bd who does NOTHING for my child, tired of having to work a full time job and try to go to school all while I have this 2 and a half year old on my hip crying because I am crying.
Feelings overcome me. I want to take my child to cps this very second and hand him over to a family that desearves his wonderful personality a family that will make a better life for him....I cant exactly describe why I didnt want to be his mom anymore. I guess its just too hard, harder than I ever thought it would be......I think to myself they were right I cant do this I am failing as a mother. Look at me three years into this and I am already giving up, but.........
what they didnt tell me is that mothers arent perfect we will have times when things are too rough to handle and we need support, we will have times when we question are choice to be mothers, and we will question it more because we are young mothers. We will have moments where we think we cant do this anymore and are on the virge of giving up. but............
we will have eachother as women and as mothers we all have something in common and with that in mind we will always be here to help each other.
This I wrote because I felt as if like me there might be other mothers out there that feel like I did a while ago...Its a hard thing to talk about because we as mothers are not " suppose" to doubt are mothering abilitys. Publically I am going to thank the mods for what they did for me....they know what that is. I am glad this stage for me has passed and I hope writing this can open up the comfortability of talking about this and not hiding our feelings in fear of looking like inadequate mothers.
I went through the same thing when Matt was three. Three seems to be the point with women I've spoken to that have been courageous enough to admit it. I wonder if post partum depression or some other hormonal imbalance doesn't revisit about three years after the fact, but no one knows because everyone's afraid to admit it so it never gets researched.
I wanted to drop him on my mom's porch and tell her I was finished. I knew I'd regret it, or maybe it was just my pride, but I didn't do it and I got through the feelings, and it just reminds me of that saying "this too, shall pass." Bless you for writing and sharing this. It's a hard thing to come out and say.
me too.
how old is your kid? for me it was PPD.
hugs to you!
Thank you for writing this. I've really been feeling this way lately. I keep thinking that the only way for me to feel better is to just leave and get my own place, have my own independance. Just for, I don't know, 6 months, enough to know what it's like to live on my own without all these responsibilities. I kind of thought I had a "seven year itch" thing going on as I've been parenting for almost 7 years.
It's good to hear that other mamas have been through this and that their feelings have passed, hopefully mine will too eventually.
i'm really glad you wrote this.
can we put it up on the front page?
you are an amazing woman and mother. but being a mother doesn't have to define you. i am glad your working through this and as you know as a board we are behind you and your decisions.
yes i would love for it to be on the front page I dont want women to have to hide from these feelings anymore....
my kiddo will be 3 in july
I HATED being a mom while Zoe was three. I dreaded her waking up, I dreaded picking her up from child care. I didn't want to parent, I didn't want to deal with her, with her tantrums, with any of it. I would panic to the point of crying when I had to have an entire afternoon with her, or god forbid an entire day. I used to "joke" that I felt like I wanted to give my kid to my child care providers, when I all I honestly, really wanted was to get rid of her.
There is an amazing book for dealing with that age. I can not actually recommend this book enough -- to the point where if anyone feels like it would be helpful to them and can't get it through the library, or afford to buy it, I will find a copy of it for you and mail it to you. It's called, "Your Three Year Old: Friend, or Enemy?" It literally saved me.
It gets better. That is really the only thing I can tell you right now to help you feel better. I love four -- it's all the positive things about three with out most of the horrible things. No one told me that three was worse than two, and I thought that I was doing something horribly wrong. I thought that my kid was a huge brat and that it was entirely my fault, that I had fucked up as a mom, that I didn't even WANT to be doing it in the first place! Now, I adore hanging out with my kid. She cracks me up, and is actually enjoyable, rather than not even tolerable.
Hang in there, mama, it does get so much better.
That right there is a fact, fact, FAAACT. Everybody talks about the "terrible twos" and the twos are NOTHING compared to three. At two he was exploring and getting into things, at three he was more vocal and would yell at me, say horrible things, throw tantrums. My sweet baby was GONE. I thought my kid was just out-and-out a horrible person and it was all my fault. I started questioning if it was my fault for being single or for working or for attempting bed transistion from cosleeping (which I gave up on in hopes it would help, and it did. He behaved once we got in bed. Nice.) or...any number of things.
Thankfully, my son has been growing up with the kids of all the girlmoms, so I could come here and say "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS CHILD??????" and be comforted and related to. Having a mama support network is so important, even if it's all internet based and scattered across the country. I love the web, I'd be so isolated without it.
And to all the moms with babies about to be three.....I'm sorry. It passes, it does. I promise.
I go through this sometime with Cae. Sometimes I just want to go to school...
I dont feel this way currently I just thought it would be nice to put this out there and share how I felt when I went through this because so many women are to afraid to talk about it.....Im glad we can be open about this and not afraid of what people will say about us.
Cae isn't 3 yet, but he's going to be 2 soon, and sometimes, I feel like giving up too. I just want to put him up for adoption, or let Social Services take over, but I figured that it's mean, and it keeps me from doing it. I even wonder if it's just an act of pure laziness? I feel guilty sometimes, because I think I'm a bad mom for not wanting to go through with raising him.
And by the laziness comment, I was referring to myself, and myself only.
i cant explain enough how strong you are for writing that. I cant relate to having a three year old, but i have felt this way sometimes too, expecially now that im working 5 days a week. I thought it'd be easier because id have my time away during the day and be ready to handle joshua at night, but some days i just want to stay at school. I have so many times had the feeling of just wanting to run away, leave joshua with my parents.
id love to see this on the front page, also.
Thanks for writing that mama.
Your awesome and strong
At times i think omg! this age will pass it will pass. I keep telling myself over and over again. Sometimes wonder omg! what the hell im due VERY soon and im gunna have another litttle brat!
But then i remember we all grow and go through stages and some are just NOT easy ones.
:)
Me too. 8)
Me too. Thanks for posting this. You are an incredibly strong and courageous woman.
The only time I have felt like that when when I spent so little time with my son, that the time I spent with him felt burdensome. My experience has been, that the less attached I was, and the less time I spent with him, the less time I wanted to spend with him. It is not my child that made me want to give up, it was the hoops I had to jump through, and the systematic cycle of bs that it seems like i am in being a young mom. I never felt incompetant as a parent to my child, I felt incompetant as a functioning member of society playing dual roles. He wasn't a burden to me, but the world seems sometimes burdened by children in general, and in turn, I took on those feelings too, even if, deep down, they were not mine. And, at the risk of getting called out-I think PPD is a load of crap. Its not some kind of scientific disease. Life is hard, and bringing a kid into this world is a really beautiful, but also scary and sad and depressing thing at the same time. It happens to everyone. Some of us admit it. Some of us deny it. The medical establishment depends on us accepting being labeled, so that new treatments, remedies and medications can be invented and new diseases can be thought up, as opposed to us just recognizing that our anger and sadness are fueled by things that we have the right to be angry and sad about!
Fuck you. Honestly. I can't tell you how belittling and awful it felt for me to read this. I'm not going to go into everything I went through after my son was born, but yes, PPD is a real, valid, and yes scientific disease AND it is something that is really hard to admit to, and impossible to deal with unless you admit to it. Shit like this makes it even harder. If you haven't been there, you just don't know. Yes, there are times when life is hard/beautiful/scary/sad, but PPD is something else. It's something else entirely. When I had PPD I would have anxiety attacks - I'd get into a state where I was literally terrified that, say, the structure of my apartment wasn't strong enough and the walls were going to fall in. It didn't matter, it didn't need to be over anything logical, it was just my mind shutting down on me. Something would just set me off to where I couldn't function. I spend so much of my time unhappy, but not normal, healthy, unhappy for a reason kind of unhappy - a kind of unhappy that didn't go away, that didn't serve a function, that wasn't part of life, but instead something that in many ways divorced me from my life. It wasn't something I had any control over. I had never experienced anything like it before - having no control over my own mind. It was terrifing and it was awful. I really don't feel like sharing my experiences with you after what you just wrote, but suffice it to say you have no idea wtf you're talking about. I am a fantastic mother. I am healthy and strong, but that took time. It took tears, and sweat, and time. I am so grateful that I am healthy now, that I don't have ppd anymore, but not for a moment will I forget what it was like when I did. I'm glad for you that you've never had to deal with ppd, but don't go talking shit at the expense of those of us who have had to. I just hope that your post wasn't read by someone who is sitting where I was two winters ago, I can't imagine how damaging that would have been.
I'm sorry if I was rude/undiplomatic in my word choice. You hit a sore spot for me, and I was worried that for a mama struggling with ppd reading this could be really harmful, so I felt like I needed to reply right away. I should have waited until it didn't sting, and wrote a more calm, respectful reply. The general point is still the same, but I'm sorry for the "fuck you" at the beginning of it.
Whoops....I'm offended and I haven't even had children!
In a way, you just disregarded depression as an illness as a whole. I would expect a lot more compassion from someone who's had a child already.
Also....if you thought you were going to be called out, then why even say it? These boards could use a whole lot less drama, and saying shit like that is only going to get people fired up.
I second the idea of "haven't been there, can't understand it".
You've been around these boards long enough to know that ppd is/was affecting many members. I'm not exactly impressed....
I disagree that ppd is over diagnosed. There is something called baby blues, which is what a lot of women experience but PPD is not a joke and definitely not a load of crap. It is not fair and is very conter productive to say that, and it makes people who did have PPD (which by the way is considered a psychiatric illness) feel invalidated and that is not okay. Also, saying that we just need to recognize what our anger is fueled by is easier said than done. It is one thing if you are angry about something and it is another to have a chemical imbalance in your brain that makes you depressed. I think you owe an apology to those of us who have/ overcame PPD.
you know what my thread was to help women not to be a " tom cruise" and make women feel bad. ppd is serious I had it I almost dropped my son off on cps's doorstep because of it....U can go screw yourself. Im sorry maybe Im being snarky and rude and obnoxious what the fuck ever. I dont have a prob dealing with my " role" in society....I had a problem dealing with being a fucking mother....
Well good for you you have never felt like an incompetent mother...well guess what I have and many other women have, i feel like an incompetent mother all the time.....Im glad that your life is so great where u can parent and be happy most of the time....back to ppd.... When you feel the risk to physically harm your child, or crying all the time, or not changing your babies diaper because u cant stand to look at him do you call that just being angry at the world....or dealing with issues....cause if thats the case I would want to physically harm my child all the time because the world pisses me off every day.
This thread is designed to bring upfeelings that cant be expressed otherwise....DO NOT argue or make any more mothers feel bad in my thread I posted to help other women like me feel better. If you want to talk bullshit about ppd and how society makes us regret our children start your own thread but stay out of mine!
and one more thought just because from your experiences you came to this conclusion doesnt mean that me or any other women out there is like u...
yea and as a second thought u owe all the mama's u offended an apology including myself.
I don't feel Hilary was out of line because PPD is REAL and women DO experience. I did and although I never was diagnosed it, looking back that is what I feel was wrong. Ironkitten - you don't know what every mother goes through and if you didn't have PPD, than that's fine - just know that others did. We all go through different feelings and experiences after we have our children, no matter how many we do have - it can all be different.
It's NOT over diagnosed and I completely disregarding others feelings for this when its a true thing is not cool.
Thank you, Lisa though for posting this ... I thought it was awesome ... it made me think a lot ... :)
I think you are missing her point. I think she is saying that she does feel inadequate sometimes, but that she thinks it comes more from society not supporting mothers than some inherent flaw in herself. I don't take as strong of a position as her, but I do think that baby blues and post partum depression are exhasperate, and in some cases caused, by the lack of social support mothers have.
regardless of what you feel GM is not the place to debate about whether or not PPD is a "real condition" because it is invalidating to those who have been diagnosed with it, especially if you're coming from the position where you haven't dealt with it.
I didn't have PPD but I did have prenatal depression and had to spend the end of my pregnancy taking prozac, as well as continuing it into the first few weeks of post partum as a precaution.
I think it's absolutely ignorant to try and dismiss it as a real condition though, or to try and attribute it to outside factors, the whole point with PPD and prenatal depression is the fact that it's during a time when your hormones are so out of control, and that even if things in life are great, you can still be at an all time low for no reason. Most women with PPD will tell you they don't know why they felt like that, and felt further invalidated by the fact that their depression WASN'T caused by external factors because they felt like they SHOULD be happy, but just couldn't. It's a debilitating condition, and for anyone to try and dismiss it is just wrong. What does it do? It makes you feel all warm and squishy and philosophical inside, but it also shuts down other women from speaking out about it, or getting the help that they need. I disagree that it's over diagnosed, I think the diagnosis of PPD is on the rise right now because women finally feel more able to come forward about it, and attitudes like that, especially on GM, are counter productive to women's health.
Depression Health Center Font SizeA A A Depression After the Birth of a Child (Postpartum Depression)
Postpartum depression is a complex mix of physical, emotional, and behavioral changes that occur after giving birth that are attributed to the chemical, social, and psychological changes associated with having a baby.
Who Is Affected by Postpartum Depression?
About 50%-75% of new mothers experience the "baby blues" after delivery. About 10% of these women will develop a more severe and longer-lasting depression after delivery. One in 1,000 women develop the more serious condition called postpartum psychosis.
What Factors Increase the Risk Of Developing Postpartum Depression?
Having a history of depression or premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)
Age at time of pregnancy -- the younger you are, the higher the risk
Living alone.
Limited social support.
Children -- the more you have, the more likely you are to be depressed in a subsequent pregnancy.
Marital conflict.
Ambivalence about the pregnancy.
A history of depression during pregnancy.
Types of Postpartum Depression
Postpartum blues -- Better known as the "baby blues," this condition affects between 50%-75% of women after delivery. If you are experiencing the baby blues, you will have frequent, prolonged bouts of crying for no apparent reason, sadness and anxiety. The condition usually begins in the first week (one to four days) after delivery. Although the experience is unpleasant, the condition usually subsides within two weeks without treatment. All you'll need is reassurance and help with the baby and household chores.
Postpartum depression -- This is a far more serious condition than postpartum blues, affecting about one in 10 new mothers. If you've had postpartum depression before, your risk increases 50 to 80%. You may experience alternating "highs" and "lows," frequent crying, irritability and fatigue, as well as feelings of guilt, anxiety and inability to care for your baby or yourself. Symptoms range from mild to severe and may appear within days of the delivery or gradually, even up to a year later. Although symptoms can last from several weeks up to a year, treatment with psychotherapy or antidepressants is very effective.
Postpartum psychosis -- This is an extremely severe form of postpartum depression and requires emergency medical attention. This condition is relatively rare, affecting only one in 1,000 women after delivery. The symptoms generally occur quickly after delivery and are severe, lasting for a few weeks to several months. Symptoms include severe agitation, confusion, feelings of hopelessness and shame, insomnia, paranoia, delusions or hallucinations, hyperactivity, rapid speech, or mania. Postpartum psychosis requires immediate medical attention since there is an increased risk of suicide and risk of harm to the baby. Treatment will usually include admission to hospital for the mother, and medicine.
What Causes Postpartum Depression?
More research is needed to determine the link between the rapid drop in hormones after delivery and depression. The levels of estrogen and progesterone, the female reproductive hormones, increase tenfold during pregnancy but drop sharply after delivery. By three days postpartum, levels of these hormones drop back to pre-pregnant levels. In addition to these chemical changes, the social and psychological changes associated with having a baby create an increased risk of postpartum depression.
Can Postpartum Depression Be Prevented?
Here are some tips that can help prevent, or help you cope with postpartum depression:
Be realistic about your expectations for yourself and your baby.
Limit visitors when you first go home.
Ask for help -- let others know how they can help you.
Sleep or rest when your baby sleeps!
Exercise; take a walk and get out of the house for a break.
Screen your phone calls.
Follow a sensible diet; avoid alcohol and caffeine.
Keep in touch with your family and friends -- do not isolate yourself.
Foster your relationship with your partner -- make time for each other.
Expect some good days and some bad days.
Treating Postpartum Depression
Postpartum depression is treated differently depending on the type and severity of the woman's symptoms. Treatment options include antianxiety or antidepressant medicines, psychotherapy and participation in a support group for emotional support and education.
In the case of postpartum psychosis, medicines used to treat psychosis are usually added. Hospital admission is also usually necessary.
If you are breastfeeding, don't assume that you can't take medicines for depression, anxiety or even psychosis. There have been no reports of breastfed babies whose mothers are taking antidepressants suffering any ill effects, but as yet no long-term follow-up data is available.
PPDis caused by a hormonal imbalance in the mother....it is NOT caused by society or lack of support.....having support helps alot yes it does but if you have support in the first place in no way says you wont have ppd.....I had post partum phycosis....the most sever you can have and let me tell you it wasnt because of society I needed prozac among a couple trips to the hospital.....I frankly may be rude hear I dont give a damn what she was trying to say...it is hurtful to me and many many other mama's on here. go read some information before you say to a group of mothers that their ppd is basically ridiculous. The information is there for you read it....
btw this is from web md
------- I felt the need to commit suicide during my ppd with j the only thing that stopped me was that baby so im sorry if im being defensive but unless you personally have gonethrough this be quiet and take a back seat to this conversation because its pissing me off that you ( meaning who ever is saying ppd isnt what it is) dont know what this feels like but sit here and tell me that society makes me want to kill myself and hurt my baby. what- the -fuck ever.
and mods just to get this over with before i offend anyone....sorry If I sound nasty,rude,abrasive, etc...... I dont think I put anything that would be offensive im just apologizing now if i did.
Your showing your honesy and concern for it, Lisa ... I don't think it was offensive, not to be anyway ... thanks for posting that info.
yeah...me too :cry:
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