it has been three years. bd has never seen his child once. he didnt think about my baby until when i went looking for HIM. which was, admittedly, maybe not my best idea ever.... it appears to be working out rather sourly. he has a family now. a wife and a baby. and he lives in another time zone. i am a good mom. i have no drug or alcohol problems. we have our own place. we are not rich but he is always fed, always taken care of, and happy.
so my questions are:
is it wrong of me to file for child support knowing he has so little, too, and another family to support?
and the big one:
how likely do you think it is that he can get some kind of custody. he seems pretty confident, but my friend kathleen said that with her niece, the judges were almost willing to give her back to her mom, who abused and neglected her badly, because they felt that any mom is better than no mom. i dont do either of those things.
im not sure how worried i should be here. im going to do some research before i file, but i was hoping i could get some insight from some people who have had some personal experience in this area.
is it worth it to try to pursue child support if it means risking my kid? i know he is planning this as a scare tactic, or a threat, to try to get me to back off on the child support, but im still not sure what my reaction should be... im really unhappy right now.
I dont think its ever wrong to pursue child support from a non existit parent. He is probally mad because he will have to explain to his family why he going to court. There are some articles on the home page w/ people in similar situations. Also there are great legal site out there such as www.nolo.com Good luck!
You deserve child support, just because he has another child now doesn't mean your kid is any less deserving. I don't know if they take into account the fact that he has another kid because he is married, but I believe they do if he is paying child support for any other children he may have.
Honestly, I doubt he would get custody since he lives so far away from you and he's only seen your kid once. A lot of guys it seems like try to scare the mom into not filing for child support by saying they will go for custody, not because they want custody but because they don't want to take responsibility for their kid(s). He doesn't really want custody, if he did he would have been around in the first place.
I understand where you're coming from, as I've thought about these same things myself. You do have a right to get child support. But, when you do persue that right, it may also entitle the "father" to have rights as well. This isn't a bad thing if you don't mind dealing with the father in exchange for child support, i.e visitations, joint legal, and whatever influence the other parent (and family and friends) will have on your son. Now, in your situation, I don't think he will get custody. I think he's trying to scare you. But, you never know for sure how things may play out. A lot of "dads" feel that they should "get something" return for playing child support. I think you should right down a list of pros and cons and maybe get a free consultation with a lawyer.
He's never seen his child in three years? I would hope no judge would give him custody after that. You have the right to child support, no matter what his situation is. It's a father's responsibility to support his child.
That being said, I totally understand the position you are in. I just got in contact with SD after 7 years (and he's never once seen his son). I'm kind of regretting even bothering, though. He, too, has a new family. I'm really struggling with if it's worth it to persue child support, and if that would mean having to work with him on visitation.
No judge will hand custody of a child to a person they've never met, unless it's foster care. He will not get custody of your child, if you file for support and then he files for custody, judges are not stupid and they will see straight through his manipulative tactics.
No, it is not wrong for you to file for child support. Him having another family does not remove his responsibility to your child.
He will most likely be granted some sort of visitation if he persues it. But, since he hasn't seen his child in 3 years, it will most likely start off with supervised visits and gradually ramp up to extended parenting time since he is out-of-state.
My ex hadn't seen Katie since she was 1 1/2. When I was able to finally get a divorce from him, Katie was almost 4. During the divorce he was granted supervised visits to occur in my county once a month for just a few hours. He visited twice. It's been almost a year since he's seen his daughter. My guess is that your situation would turn out similarly.
BTW, my ex also lives in a different time zone then me.
As the pp's said, its not wrong of you to file for child support at all. It is your childs right to be financially supported by two parents. He went out and started his family after knowing that he already had your child to support, and that was his choice. Personally i wouldnt take his feelings, or financial situation into account at all. Concentrate on what you and your son need, from what you have said he hasnt ever taken your feelings into account so dont feel like you need to do it for him. I understand your worries though, about him wanting custody or access. Im not sure how things work there, but from my own experiences with the court process in canada, and from watching other people go through the process during my long waits in the courtroom, i cant imagine a judge granting him anything, atleast not until he shows responsibility for a long time financially, and then i imagine it would be a long process before he ever got very far with any custody arrangements. Look into it for sure, get as much information as possible and be prepared for the worse. Weigh your options. Good luck.
ive been talking to a bunch of people about it and now im really not worried. i provide my son with everything he has and always have. there is no way he will be able to take my child, especially from states away. especially when its obvious he decided he wanted my kid the minute i decided he should accept some responsibility. however, i have come to realize that right now, he is nothing to my son. for all legal viewpoints, he doesnt even exist, since hes not on the birth certificate. right now, i have all the power, and he has no rights to aidan at all. im starting to wonder if all this is really worth it. do i really want to give him rights? how much will he exercise them? im just not sure. i dont want him to think that his little scare tactic worked, and i really do feel that he should show some responsibility towards a child he fathered. but im not sure if its worth giving up what i have. its too bad you cant have your cake and eat it too...
as for the other stuff, yes, i totally believe that he should take responsibility for aidan and its really not my fault he decided to make another family instead of supporting the child he already had. i have given him 3 years to get his life together. but i still cant help but feel a twinge of guilt from knowing that theyre struggling financially, too, and im going to add another payment on top of everything. just because he never took my feelings into consideration, should i really be like him?
If he is going to try to manipulate you, why not do the same thing to him? If you dont want to file for child support and risk him getting some access to your child why dont you "make a deal with him". Tell him if he sends you some money (however much you think would be right) every month or week or whatever, then you wont take it to court (and he wont have to pay for court costs). It never hurts to try, right? You could get money from him, and he wouldn't get any rights to your child, really.