I am having a hard time admitting to this, but I am feeling really disrespected by my husband. When I was pregnant with Jasper, he promised me he would get a vasectomy when the baby was born. I asked him if he was sure, because if not, I would just get my tubes tied, but he agreed pregnancy and labor was enough for me, and he could be the one to deal with a minor operation. Well, 9 1/2 months later, he STILL hasn't done it! I put the phone number to the doctor by the phone, and said call and make your appointment now. He didn't. I have done this several times. We have had fights about this, and I have told him how disrespected I feel by all of this, and he doesn't even really address that. For a long time, I withheld sex from him, which was hard for both of us. It caused major tension between us to the point that I almost left him. Then we started having sex again sans birth control, but I was so afraid I would get pregnant again I stopped letting him. I went to the store and stared at the birth control section for a long time, then left with nothing because I don't want to tell him is OK to ignore his responsibility. I am withholding sex again, and I hate it because I am constantly having to reject him. He asks for sex all the time. He wants to just do things that can't get me pregnant, but I'm like no way! If you want sex get a damn vasectomy! This is not the only thing he does this with. He is always making promises and then not doing what he says he will, or FINALLY doing it months later. What can I do? This is really hurting our relationship. I feel like a prude or something. He really enjoys porn, and that has never bothered me, but it is starting to piss me off because he is getting sexual satisfaction and I am not! I am so frustrated about this. I feel like another pregnancy would destroy me and destroy our marriage. I have already thought about the possibilities of abortion or raising three kids, neither of which I want to have to do.
I'm sorry you're going through that, it sucks to be disrespected.
For the sexual fufillment, can you get some erotica and masterbate?
Does he disrespect you in other ways? You say he doesn't follow through on things, that are really important to you, and you've told him that these are important to you and he still refuses to follow through. That's bullshit on his part.
Would he be willing to go through councling? Would you be willing to go through councling?
Is this affecting you to the point where you want to leave him because of his non-following through (which would be a valid reason to, esp. if you've been completly clear about everything, which it sounds like you have been)?
Are there other things going on? Is he disrepecting you verbally? Emotionally?
No, he is not willing to go to counseling with me. It really hurts me because it seems like my feelings don't matter to him as much as his. Yes, I can masterbate, but it doesn't do the same thing for me. I really feel it (the lack of sex) causing other problems in our relationship. He does disrespect me in other ways, but it goes both ways too. Whenever we fight it gets dirty- we call eachother horrible things and say things we don't mean to eachother. It slowed way down when I started calling it abuse. I have made a huge effort to end our abusive cycles. I have been saying things like, "I will not verbally abuse you and I refuse to talk to you if you can't talk to me in a respectful way." Sometimes it works because he doesn't want to be abusive and he gets ashamed. Other times he just gets angry and defensive about it, and then ussually it does escalate because I get angry and start yelling back at him and the cycle continues. I insisted that we should have weekly meetings together to discuss things when we are not angry. We had one. After that, he said we didn't need them, even though I felt that we did. I told him that from his point of view everything might be fine, but if one person is unhappy that means something is wrong in the relationship. It seems like he thinks it is just my problem.
Hunny, I know that we already discussed this. Im glad you decided to post about it. Im sure theirs a lot of girls who can give you some great advice. Good luck!
I can say I know how you feel. This happens sometimes between me and Mike. He sometimes doesn't understand that what he thinks is ok to say to people might not be ok to another person. He does not think before speaking. Then when I tell him what how is being mean or disrespecting me he says it is my fault, and asks why I am acting like this. We got into a battle 2 nights ok. I can't stand it and it tears me apart. He does not have good communication skills either(that's from his mom). I honestly can say that maybe before me and Mike got married we would need counseling just to make sure marriage will work. I love him to death and he loves me but sometimes people fight!
I would have to say he NEEDs to stop disrespecting you, because thats just fucked up of him and it is hurting you and if he loves you he should not want to do that to you!! I don't know what else advice I can give you.... Counseling if he would participate would be a great thing. I went to counseling for my self and it was awesome!! Plus when you are there you have someone listening that only knows you by what you tell them and they dont judge you or pick sides!!
I personally think it is not OK to withhold sex just because you are angry. Obviously, you have the right to make choices over your body, but this doesn't seem to be what it's about.
Sex in a marriage, or any monogamous relationship is about intamacy and closeness, not about punishment and reward. By withholding sex out of anger, you're driving a bigger wedge between you two, making it less likely for him to tell you what's going on.
I do agree that you both need better comunication. it seems like you're taking important forward steps, which is good. Can you see any reason or barrier tht keeps him from following-through? Like your idea for weekly meetings was great, what was his reason for not wanting to do it? Maybe he felt like there had to be problems to have a talk. Couples need intimate times to talk to eachother. If you're afraid to have sex because you don't want to get pregnant, can you be intimate with him in other ways? Cuddling . . .alone times. . .etc?
"I personally think it is not OK to withhold sex just because you are angry. Obviously, you have the right to make choices over your body, but this doesn't seem to be what it's about. "
anyone has the right to not have sex for whatever reason they want to. if withholding sex is the only way a person can make their needs heard and get the respect they deserve, then so be it.
she isn't driving the wedge in the relationship, her husband is by not respecting her body and what she wants. withholding sex isn't ideal for either one of them, obviously, but what else is she to do? the vasectomy issue is basically ABOUT sex, about her not wanting to be pregnant again and him refusing to do what he promised he would.
mamabutterfly, i don't have much advice for you. anything i'd say for you to do it sounds like you've already tried. can you write him a letter saying all of this? sometimes letters mean more than spoken word, and he won't get a chance to interrupt you.
does he know that you are actively withholding sex because of these issues? perhaps you could use that to get you two into therapy?
in regard to fighting dirty, i'm prone to that as well. what i have to do is just pull back and leave the situation. it's SO SO hard, but i always feel so much better when i don't have ten mean things to say sorry for, and i know that we remember the mean things said to us in a fight even after they've been apologized for.
good luck with all of this mama.
Of course she has the right (as I stated) but that doesn't mean it's beneficial to herself or the relationship. Onbviously withholding sex is NOT getting her needs heard or the respect she deserves.
A vasectomy is not about sex, it's about a person's body.
There are plenty of things she can do besides withhold sex, like talk to him.
I don't think she's with-holding sex just because she's angry. Sounds like it's a part of it, but not all of it. She doesn't want to go on BC, and she doesn't want to be pregnant again. They had decided on a form of BC together, and he backed out of it. She's protecting herself from getting pregnant, as well as making her point that she won't get pregnant again.
If he refuses to get a vasectomy, I'd suggest you either find a personal form of birth control, or go through with it and get your tubes tied. It doesn't sound like he really wants to get it done, so it might be just up to you, which isn't fair, because what he's doing is pretty disrespectful too. If he doesn't want it done, he shouldn't be straggling it out, you two should be communicating towards another solution.
I know this sounds a little bit silly, but do you think maybe he's kind of afraid of getting it done? Men can be very protective of their penises sometimes.
I had my tubes tied when I had Medicaid, but the original plan was for Shawn to get a vasectomy. Well, that flew through the roof when some friends of his told him a few horror stories about it.
What you need to do is sit down with him and talk to him. Find out why he's not following through. He could just be afraid...
Or he could be an irresponsible butthead..
As far as the sex thing goes, I've done the "withholding sex as punishment" thing as well as the "withholding sex because I'll be damned if I get pregnant one more time" thing. I've discovered that withholding sex seems to punish me more than him, because he has his porn and box of tissues waiting for him anytime he needs them. If you really, really, really want to get your groove on without worrying about getting pregnant, there's always other ways you two can fool around without having sex.
I am not withholding sex because I am angry. I am doing it because I don't want to get pregnant again. We are intimate together a lot of the time by cuddling, but the main reason I won't let him do sexual things that don't get me pregnant because almost every time I have we have ended up going all the way. This has been going on for over 9 months, we have been having sex without bc on and off. I withhold it so I don't get pregnant, and we feel torn apart and then we finally do it, and it is so healing. In a way it reminds us of the love we have together. Promises are very important to me. I gave him plenty of time to cop out. I have asked him again if he really wanted to do it or if I should get my tubes tied. He always said he would do it. I would never withhold sex out of anger because I know that we both need it and that only makes problems worse, but if I have to go on birth control or become pregnant I will resent him for not keeping his promise. This is one of many that he has not kept, but it is by far the biggest to me.
Good luck hunny. If you need anything, you know where to find me!
I think what you need to do is figure out his true intentions. It might be difficult because it's a heated topic between you two. Maybe sit down and say, "I'm not trying to pressure you, but I need to know for my own health and well-being. Are you going to get a vasectomy like we discussed earlier? If not, please just tell me because then I can plan accordingly."
Try do initiate this conversation in a non-accusatory manner. You have every right to be upset at his lack of communication and follow-through. But bringing those emotions to this particular conversation will be counter-productive.
He might say, "No, I changed my mind. I don't want to have the procedure."
If that happens, it will be disappointing for you, I'm sure, but at least you'll know where he stands. If that is his true feeling, you want him to be able to tell you. After that's all out int he open, you can go on to discussing alternative birth control, sterilization for you, re-evaluating your relationship, or whatever else you think the next step should be.
On the other hand, he might say, "Yes, I really do want to have it done, I just have been putting it off beacuse of. . . . . . "
If he is worried/scared about the procedure itself, I would recommend talking with a doctor. Most doctors require a consultation visit prior to the procedure anyway. The doctor will explain the procedure, recovery period, what to expect, and answer any questions at this visit.
Maybe offer to make the call to schedule the consultation visit. Even after meeting with the doctor, there is no obligation to have the procedure. He could take a week or so to think about it.
If there is a Planned Parenthood in your area that does vasectomies, I recommend them. They sometimes have a sliding-scale for fees. When my SO had his done there they also didn't give us any problems about being young (25) and childfree.
There are also many websites about vasectomy procedures. Some have interesting pictures :lol: . I think the most common procedure nowadays is the no-scalpel vasectomy which has only one small incision, no stitches, and a relatively quick recovery time. SO was snipped on a Thursday, stayed home from work on Friday, took it easy over the weekend, and was back to work on Monday. Of course, he sits at a desk. Jobs that involve more physical labor might require more time off.
There is one thing I didn't add that I think may be part of the problem. One time, we got into a HUGE fight about discipline (the thing we have fought about the most). We were fighting dirty, so we were throwing each other's faults at eachother, and I mentioned that one of the things I was pissed at him about was that he still hadn't got a vasectomy. I don't remember his exact words, but he said something about if we broke up and he married someone else someday he might want another child. I was shocked and hurt because he's the one who has been the most adamant that we shouldn't have more children. I asked him if he wanted another child with me some day in the future and he said he thought two was enough. I told him that no matter what happens between us, they will always be his children. He said that my daughter isn't really his. He has also at one point said that if I left him he would have nothing much to do with the children. When we got married, he promised me he would become my daughter's legal father. I got all the paper work needed for it, and he still hasn't done his part (sign in front of a notary). So there is still no father on her birth certificate. I told him that it was important to me because if anything ever happened to me I would want him to have custody, but maybe he doesn't want custody. When we first got together, I was pregnant with her. He thought he would never have children, but he committed to me and my daughter. I think that sometimes he feels like I took his life away from him, or redirected it in a direction he didn't want to go, but it was his choice too, right? I mean, I didn't force him to be my boyfriend, to live with me, to commit to me, to marry me. There are so many things in our history that I don't know if I can get past. If he can't do this one thing for me, to me it is a signal that he doesn't want me. Sometimes it seems like my daughter and I are just annoyances getting in the way of his life. It hurts me how different he treats his son. He says it is because he has learned a lot after the first one, but sometimes I think it is because he doesn't love her like his own child. He has been helping me raise her since she was 3 months old.
Have you thought about couples therapy? It might help to be able to talk about all this stuff with him with a 3rd person (a therapist) acting as an intermediary.
I don't know if this has been mentioned... but why can't you just use birth control and condoms for the moment?
I know he promised you, but maybe he's just afraid of having surgery done... KWIM? Maybe he's just confused.
We stayed up until 3 AM talking last night. He said he is scared to do it, and he has been trying to work up the courage. He said I'm pressuring him too much, but he will do it soon. We talked about a lot of other issues we are going through right now, and it seems like we are going to be able to work it out if we keep talking. I really wish he would go to counseling with me, but there is no way I could get him to do that. If he will keep talking to me I think we can work it out ourselves. Thanks for the help everyone!
Wow those are some really heavy issues you brought up in your last post.
As to your first post, for some people it can be psychologically damaging to loose their fertility. If he is feeling very apprehensive about this procedure, putting it off for no reason, not making an effort, it could be that subconsciously he doesn't want to do it. My father had a vasectomy a few years after my sister was born, it wasn't a big deal for him at all. My parents felt done after my sister and I. However, my uncle had a vasectomy after the birth of his fourth child, he and his wife had three boys and a last girl, very close in age. After the procedure he was very upset, I don't know all the details but I do know it greatly affected him.
Some people would rather use other forms of birth control which are less permanent rather than opting for surgical sterilization. If he feels he isn't ready to be permanently sterilized, then this seems like an issue that you could compromise on, considering the fact that you are more than willing to do this yourself.
About the fighting and communication, no one can really give you perfect advice on that, because no one can hear exactly what's being said and exactly what causes your disagreements to escalate. Couples therapy would definitely be your best bet there, so that someone objective can offer you advice based on the way the two of you interact. All realtionships and people are different.
The other stuff really worries me though, I just feel sad for you reading it. You wanted him to adopt your daughter but he hasn't and has alluded to maybe not wanting the responsibility. And you say he treats his biological child differently from your other child. This is not easy stuff to navigate through, obviously these are very sensitive and tough issues. I have no advice because I have never been there, but I just wanted to wish you luck in dealing with these issues. I think maybe you should bring them to a head, you should make sure you get to the roots of these feelings. Couples therapy could help you focus on this also.
Lots of luck!
Sounds like he doesn't want a vasectomy. No one should use a permanent form of birth control if they don't want it. It's a big deal. There are lots and lots of birth control options that are reversible and don't require surgery on either of your parts.
I have considered the possibility that he doesn't want to do it. I have told him, if he doesn't want to do it, just tell me and we will figure out something different. He says he will do it. I don't think it's because he just doesn't want to because he always puts everything off. I am the only one who pays bills because whenever he is supposed to do it he pays them late. I do most of the cleaning because he doesn't care if stuff piles up. He is in graduate school, and he always starts writing these HUGE research papers the night before they're due. He is late to work EVERY DAY. I wonder if he has underlying issues, but he doesn't like to talk about that stuff, and he refuses to go to counseling with me or by himself. He says he is just really busy, and he is busy, but he takes a lot of time for himself too. He is just the biggest procrastinator. I feel like if you procrastinate on everything, you leave no space for something to go wrong. I could be pregnant already (and I of course would be partially to blame too of course), but its like he thinks its not likely I will before he finally gets around to doing it. I even suggested a different form of birth control (reluctantly) and he said no.
Ugh, that's hard. I was married to a someone with those qualities too and the only thing that can fix that is to drop the ball so he has to pick that up. Of course, that's not practical because you suffer too. People like that continue to get away with that behavior because the people around them would feel irresponsible if they didn't pick up the messes.
How much longer does he have in school this semester? Maybe set a time limit, like "I will use x method of birth control, until winter break and then I would really like you do follow-through with your promise.