Baby Daddy Problems

Im a single mom. Its not easy, but its a lot better then dealing with a roller coaster of emotions from you BD. Hes not being fair to you. Where in Oregon does he live? Im just curious cause Im in Oregon..if you come down here, maybe we could get together sometime.

Im not saying for you to leave him..thats up to you. Just know that you deserve respect!

Im close to Oregon City, I live in Milwaukie, which is the suburb of Portland!

I hope the best for you! You should PM me!

Mama, you can't blame yourself for BD's actions. There is nothing you can say or do to MAKE him be an involved and supportive partner and dad, and likewise there is nothing you can say or do to make him not be involved. Those are his choices. You can't control what other people do and how they are going to react. Instead, you have to make the best choices for YOU and your son.

Even if you and BD are not together, that's no reason why he still can't be a father to his son. Many men out there stay involved and support their children even though they are no longer with their mothers.

You need to do what makes you happy, and what will give you the most fufillment and happiness out of life. If you think BD can provide that for you, then you need to discuss with him how you're feeling and make sure he takes it seriously. If you don't think he will ever be the kind of partner that you want and need, then you need to take steps to make yourself happy mama! Nothing will be better for your son than to see his strong mama taking charge and having a happy life, no matter what happens.

Good luck to you.

My bd, after two and a half years of drama, is gone for now- out of our lives, and it was one of the hardest things that I had to do.

But,
Here's what. It is ABSOLUTLY not your job to make sure that he is a father. It is NOT your job to make sure he is in his kids life. That is HIS job. He is capable of making choices about how to handle himself around you, and you are capable of making choices about how you are ok being treated.

You DESERVE to be in a relationship where you are respected-- You are respected in your beliefs, wants, and needs. If someone is choosing to not respect those needs, for whatever reason, you have every right to tell them that you do not want to have a relationship with them.
I know many, many mamas who have bd's, that live somewhere else and they aren't with them, that are still active in their childs life.

I don't know the situation fully, but you do not sound happy. This sounds like he is not able to meet your needs, nor does he really want to. That means that you need to make a few decisions-- do you want to be in a relationship in which you are not happy? Do you want to be in a relationship where you are the one taking responsibility for his actions regarding his child? Do you want to be in this relationship, with him, the way that it is right now?
If not, what can you do to change that?

If you ever need to talk, PM me. I've been where you are, and it's so hard. But, eventually you need to do what is best for you and your child, because no one else will.

My bd, after two and a half years of drama, is gone for now- out of our lives, and it was one of the hardest things that I had to do.

But,
Here's what. It is ABSOLUTLY not your job to make sure that he is a father. It is NOT your job to make sure he is in his kids life. That is HIS job. He is capable of making choices about how to handle himself around you, and you are capable of making choices about how you are ok being treated.

You DESERVE to be in a relationship where you are respected-- You are respected in your beliefs, wants, and needs. If someone is choosing to not respect those needs, for whatever reason, you have every right to tell them that you do not want to have a relationship with them.
I know many, many mamas who have bd's, that live somewhere else and they aren't with them, that are still active in their childs life.

I don't know the situation fully, but you do not sound happy. This sounds like he is not able to meet your needs, nor does he really want to. That means that you need to make a few decisions-- do you want to be in a relationship in which you are not happy? Do you want to be in a relationship where you are the one taking responsibility for his actions regarding his child? Do you want to be in this relationship, with him, the way that it is right now?
If not, what can you do to change that?

If you ever need to talk, PM me. I've been where you are, and it's so hard. But, eventually you need to do what is best for you and your child, because no one else will.

I think i've been in the same position as katg... for the past 4 years i've been trying to keep my BD involved our lives, and at a cost to both aaron and myself.

If things are really rocky i think it's best for everyone involved to cut your losses. The truth for me is, i really don't think i recognised things weren't going to work out, i didn't want to admit it. I thought things would get better. I thought that once aaron became 'old enough' that he would be able to relate to aaron better.... but he can't. He's minimally involved on an emotional level with aaron, and aaron totally picks up on it, and THAT breaks my heart.

go to the courthouse, file for your custody agreement and child supprt.

yup, me too. it hasnt been until real recent that i have given up on making rileys dad take more of an interest in her. it has really made my life less stressful. it really helps to remember that you are all your kid really needs deep down. my daughter loves me to pieces, and could really care less about her dad, and that is fine, cuase its not my fault.

i agree with kat, emily, and erinn, you can't make him want to be involved, it just breeds resentment on everyone's part,

plus it stresses you out beyond belief,

i tried for the first 18 months of my daughter's life to be the happy little family, it didnt' work at all, and it sucked,

good luck with everything, just remember it is his decision and he is the one that will have to live with the consquences of that.

But it does matter.
Kids see things, they know things that we don't give them credit for. If you're not happy in the relationship, your son is going to know that on some level or another. I think that it's really important to work on demonstraiting healthy relationships to our children, because that is the only way they will learn to have health relationships as well.

Your bd CAN still be involved in your sons life, if the two of you aren't together. If he's just coming back to have sex with you, and gets to see his son as a side benifit to that, your son's going to know that. That isn't going to make him happy, as he gets old you, kwim?

You can find positive male role modles for your son, if you feel that having a male figure in his life is important. Maybe it's not someone your dating, but a good friend, a relitive, a mentor, etc.

My parents stayed married for "the kids' sake" for a long time and we were miserable. I was honestly a LOT happier when they split because they were happier, so they were a lot different. It was miserable when my parents were married, because they constantly fought and i always ended up crying.

The thing is, Mason will pick up on your unhappiness. He will know you don't like dealing with BD, he will know that meetings with him result in you feeling doubly stressed, you will be cranky and moody and may even take it out on him when you don't want to.

please, listen to us. Had i listened to someone, or even myself 3 years ago when i kicked BD out, i could have saved myself so much stress, pain, heartache. I would have gotten my act together so much sooner. My kid and i would have been so much better off.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

the least you can do at this point is to settle your legal stuff. Child support payments and custody agreements are sosososo important. So much more important than i ever thought they were, because i thought that BD and i could work things out in verbal agreements. I really shouldn't have waited to do all this. i'm 2500 in debt now because i've been trying to support my son and i on 400 a month, my credit rating is GONE, i will most likely have to file for bankruptcy, and not to mention my emotional bankruptcy I gave and helped my BD until i became bankrupt in every way. Please, get it settled so that if anything happens you have the law on your side.

an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure....

and i was great friends with my BD before all this happened too.

don't be fooled.

I think that you should do what's right for the two of you, and it sounds like you're putting a lot of thought into what's best. Please know, that no matter what you choose, we will support you completly.

No, it isn't at all. And, everyone has to take their own path, come to their own conclusions. Just remember these things- you do have the right to be happy and safe in your relationships (both, not "or"), and your son has the right to see you and his father in happy and healthy relationships, either with each other or with other people. Also, remember, that you are not responsible for making him be part of your kids life. That is his responsibility. I'm firmly convinced in order for me to be a good parent, I need to understand what is my responsibility to take care of, and what isn't-- especially when it comes to people that I am in relationships with.

If you ever need to just talk, don't hesitate to PM me.

masonsmommy - i need to apologize for coming off harshly... i have been through a lot with BD and i need to remember that all situations are not like mine.

I also feel as though if i could save someone from making the same mistakes i did, then all the pain and shit i've gone through would be worth it... but really it's kind of an impossible task to pull off, isn't it?

i have to give you kudos for being as strong as you have.

Good luck to you.