i'm really happy to read about people getting married and all, but in a really selfish way, it bugs me. it's not that i begrudge anyone their happiness, but i'm really fucking jealous... it's like, why do you get to do that and i don't? i want a day that's all about me and being in love, that's universally accepted and valued, that doesn't have to be about making a statement. i want to ride off in a "just married" car, without people frowning when they see whose next to me. i want to be able to walk around in geeky "bride" and "bride" t-shirts. shit, i want to have my wedding announcement in the newspaper and know that my family won't be a little embarrassed, or that i won't see a letter a few days later bashing us, or that the paper will even PRINT our picture in the first place.
if alli and i could legally do it, i'd be planning a wedding right now. instead, i read gay wedding guides and just feel sad that i have this totally amazing thing, but no outlet through which to let other people see that. i'm too scared to actually have a wedding because i'm so afraid that people will minimize it and not look at it as "real." maybe i don't even look at it as real. alli and i are technically engaged, but i never say that. i think it sounds dumb, but i've never really delved into WHY i think it sounds dumb...
in my head, marriage is this huge grown-up right of passage. it validates a relationship. i want to have that, be grown up like that. i want my relationship to be taken as a given, rather than "when will julie grow out of that phase?" i want to be someone's wife, not just "experimenting" or "rebelling."
i totally recognize the privilege of having a partner who loves, supports, respects, and values me. my relationship is healthier and happier than anyone else's i know, and i am fully aware of the fact that marriage can be none of those things. this isn't meant as a julie vs. the married moms kind thing in any way. i'm just whining i suppose, because being controversial gets so exhausting.