i'm really happy to read about people getting married and all, but in a really selfish way, it bugs me. it's not that i begrudge anyone their happiness, but i'm really fucking jealous... it's like, why do you get to do that and i don't? i want a day that's all about me and being in love, that's universally accepted and valued, that doesn't have to be about making a statement. i want to ride off in a "just married" car, without people frowning when they see whose next to me. i want to be able to walk around in geeky "bride" and "bride" t-shirts. shit, i want to have my wedding announcement in the newspaper and know that my family won't be a little embarrassed, or that i won't see a letter a few days later bashing us, or that the paper will even PRINT our picture in the first place.
if alli and i could legally do it, i'd be planning a wedding right now. instead, i read gay wedding guides and just feel sad that i have this totally amazing thing, but no outlet through which to let other people see that. i'm too scared to actually have a wedding because i'm so afraid that people will minimize it and not look at it as "real." maybe i don't even look at it as real. alli and i are technically engaged, but i never say that. i think it sounds dumb, but i've never really delved into WHY i think it sounds dumb...
in my head, marriage is this huge grown-up right of passage. it validates a relationship. i want to have that, be grown up like that. i want my relationship to be taken as a given, rather than "when will julie grow out of that phase?" i want to be someone's wife, not just "experimenting" or "rebelling."
i totally recognize the privilege of having a partner who loves, supports, respects, and values me. my relationship is healthier and happier than anyone else's i know, and i am fully aware of the fact that marriage can be none of those things. this isn't meant as a julie vs. the married moms kind thing in any way. i'm just whining i suppose, because being controversial gets so exhausting.
I wish you could have that too. People keep talking about how same sex marriage is legal here, but many people are still against it. :(
I wish I knew what to do. Do you have any ideas of what straight allies can do? I do wish now that I hadn't got married. I never even thought about the privilege at the time.
just wanted to add my two cents here. the best wedding i have ever been to (and i've seen allot!) happened right there in your home town. i drove with all three of my kids and three of my friends all piled in my mini van. I was maid of honor (i wore an awful blue dress). My oldest son was the ring bearer and my daughter was the flower girl.
it was my best friends beth's wedding, june 13th 2002. beth and i had been sending each other martha stewart wedding cilppings for months. Elizabeth wore the most beautiful dress (by some designer she was all excited about). her dad walked her down the isle. her wife nicole was walked down the isle by her mom, she wore a sexy linen suit.
the amount of love and support and their wedding made seriously everybody weep. there was no feeling of it being contrived or controversal. it was a REAL wedding. because they REALLY love each other. maybe some stupid a-hole uncle didn't show, but who wants him there anyway? your marriage is about the people who love you.
they still live in austin. in a house they just bought, beth teaches 7th grade science, and they just adopted sadie a blue tick hound dog. soon they will start trying to adopt a child.
PLEASE don't think i am trying to minimize your feelings. i can only imagine how fucking pissed i would be if i wasn't legally allowed to get married. in fact i'm pretty fucking pissed anyway. their are allot of people gay, straight, etc. that want desprately you to be able to marry alli legally. i will do every thing in my power to help you, hopefully you'll be able to come on over to cally to get hitched! but until then, i think you otta plan your wedding, it may not be legal but it aint ILLEGAL. you shouldn't have to wait girl. finding the person you want to marry is the hardest part, IMO. the more people see happy same sex couples being married, legal or otherwise the more they will open their eyes and realize that it's crazy to not let two people in love get married. i'm hoping very much that i didn't step on any toes.
This is an issue that is really important to me. I think often about what would have happened if the person that was 'the one' for me had happened to be female instead of male. Because the reason we have an application in the works for him to immigrate to Canada is because we have that legal document that says we're married and I can sponsor him. It really wasn't that long ago it wouldn't have been possible in either country if Chris were female, and where would that have left us? Separated for a LOT longer. It pisses me off royally that my own Member of Parliament opposes the bill in the works to make same-sex marriage in the whole country. He doesn't stand for me. Julie, quite a lot of same-sex american couples have come to Canada to get married, which you could do if you wanted to, even though it wouldn't be recognised legally when you went home. (It makes me so embarrassed to have a New York marriage liscence. If I'd thought of it that way before I got married I would have been married in Canada if only so it wouldn't feel so unclean and priviledge-grabbing.) Although that still leaves out all the stuff you just typed about it feeling normal. Its not normal to have to go to another country to get married. It needs to be normal for everyone. When will people realise that it does not harm heterosexual marriages in any way! Its a matter of equal rights! I don't know what to say to you... only to wish you luck and say that I sincerely hope that one day the US will recognise your totally valid and normal relationship as such.
I wish you could get married too, Julie.
I don't know what else to say because you know I don't know exactly how you feel.
I can remember once feeling really in love and feeling like it needed to be celebrated and deciding that is why weddings were invented.
I do know how you feel about wanting to feel grown up and final. I feel the same way, but I wonder why when many hetero couples don't get married.
julie, this sucks so hard. i hope this doesn't minimize what you are feeling in any way, but i want to tell you that if you and alli decide to do it, i will help put together a gorgeous wedding for y'all (i've had a lot of practice with various friends and family getting married)
i know that this does not address the fact that your relationship is not viewed as "valid" in the eyes of the powers that be. i can only hope that steps will continue to be made in the right direction.
whine all you need to.
I meant Cali, not cally.....sucks that I can't type or spell :oops:
I just don't see how gay marriage is wrong or unconstitutional. Love is love. Why do people (aka Mr. President) feel the need to control other peoples lives? The fundamental reason for marriage is love...not gender. I thought United States citizens were supposed to be EQUAL, not equal when convient. Being straight, I feel guilty for having a privilege that not all Americans have and are entitled to. Love between any human should be able to be celebrated, regardless of orientation! GRRRR...It's like they're saying the love you feel isn't worthy of being acknowledged. Like it's an invalid emotion or something. Sorry for the rant, but it just pisses me the fuck off!! And sorry for making this about me and my issues. But, I think you should be able to be married! You deserve it as much as anyone else! We will win this fight!
I love your post! I am so undecided on how I feel about same sex marriage but true to form, GM is helping me unlearn and learn and to formulate my own opinions. I hope you get to mary Alli soon and I can promise you that my vote will now be one of those that helps it happen! I don't blame you one bit for whining. I'd be doin it too if I were you!!