My story, MN moms please see if you have advice...

I'm copy pasting this from another journal because it's getting late and I need sleep... lol but Jamie18 suggested I post my story here and see what advice I can get. It's the majority of the story but some of it is specifically directed towards breastfeeding. When I have time I can clarify more if anyone needs it....

\begin copy pasted story

I KNOW Breastmilk is Best... believe me this whole situation is absolutely killing me.

1 month ago on the 22nd of this month I got into a car accident. I shattered my kneecap and was told I was very lucky it was the only thing "damaged" (aside from my totalled squashed like a pancake car). My husband 2 days later left me. I had been previously diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder but while I was pregnant and for the first 8 month of my daughter's existance I refused medication. A week before the accident I had gotten into such a manic episode that I physically assaulted my husband. So he left 2 days later. Left me with my daughter and my broken kneecap in a full leg cast and on the verge of getting evicted because I had lost my job after the accident.

I checked myself into the Adult Partial Hospitalization Program to get my bipolar under control the day my husband left. They placed me on a low dose of Seroquel that I was to take after my last pumping session of the day so the smallest amount of it would enter the BM as possible. They eventually raised it to 100mg a day and added Lamictal (which I've read IS breastfeeding safe but Seroquel is not) I was in the program up until yesterday and they discharged me.

Friends had been watching my daughter for awhile but then My mom volenteered to watch my daughter for the whole first week in May. I had not pumped enough milk for her to have lasted a week so I bought Goat's Milk to supplement while I pumped like a banshie at home. I pumped about 20 ounces a day for her and stored it in my deep freezer because my mom was unwilling to drive the 50 minute drive to pick up the milk nightly. Then at the end of the first week my mom spazzed. She had been telling me all week long that she would watch my daughter for as long as neccisarry. She dumped my daughter off at the end of the first week ranting and raving how ungrateful and controlling and psycotic I was. Needless to say I was extremely overwhelmed by her abruptly doing this and I called a friend to take her for one more week while I did the hospital program. She agreed. By that point I was down to pumping once a day. I was getting about 4 ounces. I told my friend she could introduce solids to my daughter (we had delayed and was planning on introducing them at 12 months) so she introduced rice and bannanas. Welllllllllll.... she ended up with a horrid rash and diareeah from the bananas. And then my friend (after 4 days of watching my daughter) had to go out of town on business. I couldn't find anyone to watch her for my last few days in Partial.

So I called my mother. Begged her to take my daughter while I finished the program. She agreed under this catch.... I sign a paper stating that my mother has 30 days custody of her. I didn't know what else to do, so I did. Granted it isn't a legal paper... they typed it up and we signed it without it being noterized... but it's legal enough to be a bitch.

I signed it, and then I found out that my mother the very next day took my daughter to the doctors without telling me. And the doctor told my mother that goats milk was not nutritious enough and handed her a bucket of Isomil Soy formula. -bawls- My mother is tha person that no matter how much research you throw at her... if a doctor says it, it must be law. She didn't tell me that my daughter was being formula fed until 5 DAYS later... (the 17th). I spazzed.

Well, my mom brought Lethia up for her WIC appointment under the condition (see the pattern of blackmailing my mom has??) that I agree to get the formula vouchers. I said fine just to get my daughter to the appointment. I told her when we were almost there that I would not get the vouchers and that INSTEAD I would purchase some Infant Organic formula and provide her with that BECAUSE formula is linked to the increased chances of developing ADD, ADHD, diabetes, heart problems, autism (all spectrums), etc. and that it is against my moral, logical, emotional, philisophical, and religious beliefs to give my child anything other than organic/natural foods before she is of age to make her own decisions and that Isomil is NOT organic in any sense of the word. She flipped. Absolutely FLIPPED. Like in my face verbally assaulive towards me. They (meaning my step father who was in the car as well) threw me (remember.. .leg cast) out of the car onto the side of the road where my mother had pulled over and then they took off. With my daughter in the car. After 4 hours of being at the police department they walked out with her and with my mom threatening to file assault charges ON ME because I supposedly whacked her in the back of the head with my fists twice. (BULLSHIT)

And this is all because I told her I wanted organic formula and not Isomil.

Off that for a minute though... I do not know if it is appropriate for me to breastfeed anymore because of my medications. (100mg Seroquel and 50mg Lamictal) and my supply had dwindled QUITE a bit (today I tried pumping and I only got 3 ounces.) I have searched high and low for a breastfeeding friendly psychiatrist and they all tell me the same thing "Better to not breastfeed and protect your baby from getting an underdeveloped mind due to medications than to breast feed and take too high of a risk"

I have a pack of 100mg domperidones and I have some fenugreek left. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to relactate so when (-crosses fingers) my baby comes home (if my parents didnt file a child welfare case against me and if they dont lie through there teeth and use my Bipolar against me) I can contiune to give her breastmilk... my concern is will my medcation (that is working surpisingly well) be the one thing that makes me switch to organic formula for good. And if it does... jeezuz. I will hate myself forever. I read Boob_Nazi's religiously when I was pregnant. I made my goal to EXCLUSIVELY breastfeed (no solids no nipple no passies) for the first 12 months and then let her wean herself. . . you can see how great that goal went. . . -depressed face- I became the "boobie bitch" to my friends because I advocated it so much to those around me (be them pregnant, gay, lesbian, male, straight, or not pregnant) I feel like a failure because of my illness of bipolar. Depakote never worked on me so I can't switch to that, I cannot take ANY anti-depressants or I will go manic... christ, I'm so lost. I feel like such a failure. I wanted to make captain here so bad. And I didn't even make it to Liutenant because when she turned 9 months old I had just started part time supplementing with goats milk a week before....

So there you go...

My explination as to why I needed the organic formula links.

/end copy pasted story.