This is from my LJ. Some of you may have seen it already.
Some of you already know this.
Alli died some time this morning. Suicide. I wish I could tell you some way less bluntly. I wish I could tell ME some way less bluntly. I wish I could tell me that it wasn't true. Part of me still feels like it isn't. I'm completely numb. I'm terrified of the gaping black hole of sadness that will overtake me when the numbness wears off. I don't know if I'll ever get out of it.
I don't think she meant to. I feel like it's all my fault, like I killed her. If only we hadn't drank so much. If only we hadn't fought. If only I hadn't left. A million if onlies that all add up to the fact that Alli's dead.
Here's what I need from you. I want you to post a memory of Alli, and of Alli and me if you have one. If you have any pictures of her, please send them to me. I want to make a book of some kind. I don't care if we've had drama or aren't friends, I need that from you. I need to know that she knew I loved her, that she knows now that I love her. Please, just tell me anything that comes to your mind.
I'm posting this in her journal too. I'm sorry for those of you who had to see it twice.
I love you Alli. I'm sorry I couldn't love you enough. But I fucking love you so much. I need a sign, please give me a sign.