Kelly I already said this but I am gonna say it again, just leave, leave when he is not there. I know it is so hard because you love him but your well being is at stake and if you two work things out you can always go back with him. It is so important that you keep yourself and Andrew safe right now. Yes he will be very mad but Kell at least you will be in a safe place. I know how hard it is to leave someone that you love but if he isnt acting right then it cant be good for you, Andrew or even Mike.
Right now I feel you need to figure out what you need first. Don't base your decisions on him as the top priority, you have yourself and Andrew to think about.
Please get some space, even if for a day a two to just think and figure out what you need from the relationship, what you need to feel safe, what you feel is your right to have. Make a list if you have to of the things you feel are wrong in the relationship now, see how many can be changed and how they could be worked out. Figure out what you want. Then talk to Mike about it, set a time for the two of you to talk (if you feel scared to do it just you 1) that should be a sign and 2) find a public place like a park, resturant etc but try not to have the conversation get too heated) and let him know it's about your relationship and what you want from it.
Go over your list, tell him your fears, and ask his imput. See if he's willing to make the changes you feel are needed or not, and tell him what you need and deserve. If you can't agree then get more space, if you decide you don't want to be with him figure out a gameplan like where you'll go, what you'll do, who'll watch Andrew, etc. Talk to your landlord about it, figure out how you can either break your lease or if you can live there only you or what living situation you'll have.
Me and him had a HUGE conversation last night when i got out of work.
I told him that i don't think that i can be with him anymore. i told him that i have a lot of resentment for him. i just told him everything that i was feeling. that i was scared and hurt and didnt want to be with him. he took it fairly well and said that if that makes u happy then you need to do that. he said i hope you know i will always love you. so i am hoping this is for real that he is ok with it. so for right now (i cant predict the future) me and him are not together but live together. it worked fine last night but we will see how it goes. This Saturday me n him have a wedding to go to and were going to still go together and he seems like he is ready to establish a good friend ship with me, we never really had one just a relationship.
so i am hoping he grows as a person while me and him are friends and maybe me n him will not be together ever again or maybe in a few months or years he will be a different person n so will i . I cant predict the future.
I love him to death but right now i care more about his and my friendship. that means a lot to me.
Thanks everyone and i am glad u are all here for me. i am hoping this is the last time i have to be scared but who knows. thanks sooo much i am glad i have your support and strength!!
Kell, I hope so much that everything works out like that. Just keep telling yourself that you dont deserve to live in fear, and if he is making your life that way you need to let him know. I hope that everything works out with you guys living together too. But it sounds like you have everything under control.
Kell-- I'm going to be completely blunt right now.
I think that's not going to work. I have never seen it work out well, and it has never worked out well for me (I have done this with boyfriends before).
It gets weird, and it's really hard to not fall back into patterns before (cuddling together on the couch leads to backrubs, leads to sleeping together, etc.). Nothing changes -- just the words that are being used to describe the relationship.
I have learned, through way to much experience for my own good, that it's really hard for people to actually change at all, much less while they are still living with the person they were in a relationship with.
If he needs to become more emotionally mature (which is what it sounds like), and able to handle himself, he will be better able to do it if he's not living with you.
I know its hard, but this isn't going to help anything. He's telling you exactly the same things that my bd told me, that so many women have heard from their bd's on here. You've read women talking about this same thing, over and over, and the words really really don't make them change. They can promace and promace, and vow, and even really mean it -- but that isn't going to make them change.
When they have an abusive streek in them -- be it emotional, mental, or physical, the only thing that can help them change is therapy, and time to work out the demons they need to work out. You two living together is not going to give him that time -- IF he really is committed to changing.
I agree with kat. I think a physical separation from him is just as important if not more important than the emotional one. If he is making you feel unsafe, you need to get yourself into a safe environment. You don't even have to break up with him if you aren't ready for that. Just go away for a while. Distance yourself and think about things. Call it a vacation if you have to, until you have a clearer idea of what you need to do for you. Living together while not together never works, and it is an extremely stressful situation. Either you will both fall back into your old habits, or tension will build between you. It is not fair to either of you, and it is not fair to Andrew.
I agree with above posters. One of you needs to move if you are going to try not being together. Could you really date someone else without him flipping out? Are you still sleeping in the same bed? It is an easy solution b/c you don't have to really break up but especially based on his recent angry, possessive, aggessive behavior this doesn't sound like a good solution.
I havent been on here in a few days or so. I just wanted to let you know that everything has been fine. Me and mike talk more now. We hung out on Sunday n went mini golfing. I think he is working on his issues which is great. he needs to BUT WE are not back together. We are just friends/roommates/and parents together. I dont know wut the future brings but nothing right now. He has been helpin me out ALOT more with house hold chores which is awesome. I have been sleeping in the bed and him on the couch. So, maybe things will be ok for now.
Well I am glad to see that things are working out how it is now. I hope that nothing goes wrong with this situation and that you guys can figure out what you want to do in the future.
you'd best sit this guy down and have a goood, looong talk with 'im. I'd KILL Seff if he did that (actually, I can't kill anything without feeling bad..like bugs...'sept spiders...ew!)
I'm sorry this happened...I hope you feel better *hugs*
Kelly, I am soo sorry that you are going throught is right now. Giving someone all of your love is never an assurance that they will love you back, no matter how much you do for them, but as long as you remember that YOU are a strong and can do this on your own, we are here to help. I know that probably doen't ease your pain, but I hope that you start to feel better soon! Hang in there hunny :) (((hugs)))
oh honey i am so sorry!
dont worry about the swearing, it is hard not to do when you are so upset, and in my opinion it is fine...this site is good to express yourself, and that is just how it happened to come out!
things are only gonna get worse it seems like he is starting to get violet becareful cause once he starts it will only get worse good luck with whatever you do
Kelly I already said this but I am gonna say it again, just leave, leave when he is not there. I know it is so hard because you love him but your well being is at stake and if you two work things out you can always go back with him. It is so important that you keep yourself and Andrew safe right now. Yes he will be very mad but Kell at least you will be in a safe place. I know how hard it is to leave someone that you love but if he isnt acting right then it cant be good for you, Andrew or even Mike.
Right now I feel you need to figure out what you need first. Don't base your decisions on him as the top priority, you have yourself and Andrew to think about.
Please get some space, even if for a day a two to just think and figure out what you need from the relationship, what you need to feel safe, what you feel is your right to have. Make a list if you have to of the things you feel are wrong in the relationship now, see how many can be changed and how they could be worked out. Figure out what you want. Then talk to Mike about it, set a time for the two of you to talk (if you feel scared to do it just you 1) that should be a sign and 2) find a public place like a park, resturant etc but try not to have the conversation get too heated) and let him know it's about your relationship and what you want from it.
Go over your list, tell him your fears, and ask his imput. See if he's willing to make the changes you feel are needed or not, and tell him what you need and deserve. If you can't agree then get more space, if you decide you don't want to be with him figure out a gameplan like where you'll go, what you'll do, who'll watch Andrew, etc. Talk to your landlord about it, figure out how you can either break your lease or if you can live there only you or what living situation you'll have.
You're strong Kell, you'll get through this.
Me and him had a HUGE conversation last night when i got out of work.
I told him that i don't think that i can be with him anymore. i told him that i have a lot of resentment for him. i just told him everything that i was feeling. that i was scared and hurt and didnt want to be with him. he took it fairly well and said that if that makes u happy then you need to do that. he said i hope you know i will always love you. so i am hoping this is for real that he is ok with it. so for right now (i cant predict the future) me and him are not together but live together. it worked fine last night but we will see how it goes. This Saturday me n him have a wedding to go to and were going to still go together and he seems like he is ready to establish a good friend ship with me, we never really had one just a relationship.
so i am hoping he grows as a person while me and him are friends and maybe me n him will not be together ever again or maybe in a few months or years he will be a different person n so will i . I cant predict the future.
I love him to death but right now i care more about his and my friendship. that means a lot to me.
Thanks everyone and i am glad u are all here for me. i am hoping this is the last time i have to be scared but who knows. thanks sooo much i am glad i have your support and strength!!
Kell, I hope so much that everything works out like that. Just keep telling yourself that you dont deserve to live in fear, and if he is making your life that way you need to let him know. I hope that everything works out with you guys living together too. But it sounds like you have everything under control.
Kell-- I'm going to be completely blunt right now.
I think that's not going to work. I have never seen it work out well, and it has never worked out well for me (I have done this with boyfriends before).
It gets weird, and it's really hard to not fall back into patterns before (cuddling together on the couch leads to backrubs, leads to sleeping together, etc.). Nothing changes -- just the words that are being used to describe the relationship.
I have learned, through way to much experience for my own good, that it's really hard for people to actually change at all, much less while they are still living with the person they were in a relationship with.
If he needs to become more emotionally mature (which is what it sounds like), and able to handle himself, he will be better able to do it if he's not living with you.
I know its hard, but this isn't going to help anything. He's telling you exactly the same things that my bd told me, that so many women have heard from their bd's on here. You've read women talking about this same thing, over and over, and the words really really don't make them change. They can promace and promace, and vow, and even really mean it -- but that isn't going to make them change.
When they have an abusive streek in them -- be it emotional, mental, or physical, the only thing that can help them change is therapy, and time to work out the demons they need to work out. You two living together is not going to give him that time -- IF he really is committed to changing.
I agree with kat. I think a physical separation from him is just as important if not more important than the emotional one. If he is making you feel unsafe, you need to get yourself into a safe environment. You don't even have to break up with him if you aren't ready for that. Just go away for a while. Distance yourself and think about things. Call it a vacation if you have to, until you have a clearer idea of what you need to do for you. Living together while not together never works, and it is an extremely stressful situation. Either you will both fall back into your old habits, or tension will build between you. It is not fair to either of you, and it is not fair to Andrew.
I agree with above posters. One of you needs to move if you are going to try not being together. Could you really date someone else without him flipping out? Are you still sleeping in the same bed? It is an easy solution b/c you don't have to really break up but especially based on his recent angry, possessive, aggessive behavior this doesn't sound like a good solution.
I havent been on here in a few days or so. I just wanted to let you know that everything has been fine. Me and mike talk more now. We hung out on Sunday n went mini golfing. I think he is working on his issues which is great. he needs to BUT WE are not back together. We are just friends/roommates/and parents together. I dont know wut the future brings but nothing right now. He has been helpin me out ALOT more with house hold chores which is awesome. I have been sleeping in the bed and him on the couch. So, maybe things will be ok for now.
Well I am glad to see that things are working out how it is now. I hope that nothing goes wrong with this situation and that you guys can figure out what you want to do in the future.
wow i am glad 2 see things r working out now hunny! that was a upsetting story 2 read! good luck in the future! xxx jenny xxx
you'd best sit this guy down and have a goood, looong talk with 'im. I'd KILL Seff if he did that (actually, I can't kill anything without feeling bad..like bugs...'sept spiders...ew!)
I'm sorry this happened...I hope you feel better *hugs*
--Kris
Kelly, I am soo sorry that you are going throught is right now. Giving someone all of your love is never an assurance that they will love you back, no matter how much you do for them, but as long as you remember that YOU are a strong and can do this on your own, we are here to help. I know that probably doen't ease your pain, but I hope that you start to feel better soon! Hang in there hunny :) (((hugs)))
oh honey i am so sorry!
dont worry about the swearing, it is hard not to do when you are so upset, and in my opinion it is fine...this site is good to express yourself, and that is just how it happened to come out!
wish i had more advice for you babe
feel better
things are only gonna get worse it seems like he is starting to get violet becareful cause once he starts it will only get worse good luck with whatever you do
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