Teen Mother/Wife Story

It sort of goes two ways.... I mean you do have to ask your self, what kind of intrest does a 22 year old man have in a 13 year old girl? Whats wrong with him that he couldnt find someone his own age or that he needed to look for girls that young. At the same time, is it right to convict this man that has decided to marry and take responsibility for the baby? Its hard to know what his intentions are, and I think the reason they are trying to convict him is because its probably more likely then not that his intentions are not the best. Its sad though, cuse you cant know what he really wants

I don't want to sound harsh - but 21 year old man and a 13 year old child have NO business together. I'm fairly sure 13 is under the age of consent in any state, and the man is being rightly charged, IMO.

um, there is a 10 year age difference between me and my husband.

while i probably wouldn't have dated him at 11 him being 21, there is nothing gross about it.

and please a 13 year old child? there are some girl moms on here that got pregnant at 13...

let's watch the judgement. umkay?

She didnt say it was gross, nor did she say that there was anything wrong with a 10 year age diffrince. She said that a 21 year old man and a 13 year old child dont have any buisness together.

Maybe the use of the word child was unnessicary, yes some girls get pregnant at the age of 13. But getting pregnant does not make you an adult, stepping up and being responsible and making mature decisions makes you an adult.

No one knows the situation, but you have to question the motives behind a man, who begins to date a young girl when she was 12 years old. Perhaps he means no harm, but it is suspicious. Just because she got pregnant does and married dosent mean that she isnt a child, or that he means her the best. At the same time it dosent mean that shes not mature... but I still have to wonder, what 20 year old man wants to date a 12 year old. My sister is 11. Shes definately a child. I dont think one year makes a huge diffrince.

Im really torn on this issue.

To me, that kind of age difference, when the girl is 13, is not right. Simply as that. The mind of a girl at 13, is considerably innocent, and not fully matured. Shes not thinking the same way she will when shes older, and has more knowledge of the world. Her body, also is just hitting puberty!!! A 21 year old man, really should have no interest in a body, thats not even close to full grown. Personally, I find it creepy, in general.

But I dont know if I agree to him going to jail. He just had a child, the girl is happy where she is, she just had a new baby, and is probably in a very confused place right now. Throwing this man in jail is not going to help her any. If she truly loves him, or even if she just thinks she does, sending this guy to jail, is going to really hurt her. Obviously hes taking responsibility. A girl of 14, cant get a job, is just into high school. Any help she can get, is probably readily welcomed. Throwing him in jail, were he cant really support her, is kinda of dumb.

I think, that this girl consented to this situation....therefore they should just leave it be. They are married, and her parents are aware of, and obviously somewhat support what is going on. So why not just leave them to live their lives?

With such a big age difference there's always the fear that the man has more influence than he should on the woman, especially with her being a younger age.

I know that later on in life ages can vary and still relate but at 13 and 22 people usually are in different stages of life.

i agree that because the girl was so young its pretty unacceptable that the man had that sort of relationship with her. but after a certain point in a persons life (varies depending on the person) age difference is no longer an issue. there is a pretty substantial age gap between me and my husband...but i dont find our relationship inappropriate, although some people still think 9 years is totally unacceptable. boo to them.

The thought of a 13 year old girl and 21 year old guy turns my stomach. Ugh.

I am really taking issue with the words "girl" and "child" being thrown around here.

Adolecense is a societally created structure. Just because someone is 13, does not make them less capable of being able to make decisions and be responsible if they need to. We have 14 year old mamas on here, and I'm sure we have some mamas who read who are 13, who are capable women in their own right.
Yes, in our society/culture it is very common for 13 year olds to not be very responsible, but it's also very common for 21 year olds to not be very responsible, and I would go as far to say that I was a Hell of a lot more responsible when I was 13, and working to pass my classes, then when I was 19 smoking to much pot, doing nothing with my life, and got pregnant. Motherhood changes a lot.

That's not to say that I think that it is ok in most situations for a 21 year old to date a 13 year old -- because of the societally created structure of adolecense that we do have. That is NOT to say that a 13 year old is not capable of making mature decisions.
But, there is the question of why a 20 year old would WANT to date a 12 year old. I know that at the age of 24, I have issues with dating someone who is 20.

It's not judgement. My SO/BD is 10 years older than I am, but we started our relationship when we were both *legal*.

And I'm sorry for the use of the word child.. that wasn't meant to be a negative jab at the young mammas here. It's just what I call someone of that age. *shrug* I should've just said "minor" instead.

You guys can't judge him as a person without knowing him or the context of the relationship Anyways. Sitting and speculating about his motives, or saying he deserves it, or anything is complete crap unless you know him and how he is. You never know, maybe he didn't have bad intentions, maybe (and yeah, it's possible) he fell in love. Love can happen at any age. You don't know the woman, what kind of personality she had, or anything. I was in relationships with older men when I was that age, and with my relationships there wasn't a power struggle and there weren't weird intentions. We may have been in different sections of life, but we had a lot in common, we shared the same interests, we had good relationships and there wasn't even sex involved. Each man is different, each woman is different, and although it's a good idea to talk about power struggles in relationships of this sort, I don't think it's productive or fair to condemn the man for his choice.

Think about this young girl, who's just given birth? What good is it doing for her if her husband is in jail? What good is it doing the child? What's done is done, if they want to be together and they're legally married, why arrest him? What's he going to do if he goes to jail and gets out again, if he touches his wife, the mother of his child again, he'll go right back to jail? It's doing him, his wife and his child a complete disservice, and what's worse is they're doing it in the name of protecting her.

I'm not trying to condemn the guy... but he was old enough to know better. There are laws, regardless of their feelings for each other, and they took that risk.

Example: The teacher (Mary Kay Letourneau) who had sex and a relationship with her student had to do her time in jail - now he's legal and they're back together.

So, for the sake of respect for the young mamas on this site, can we stop using words like "girl" and "child" to describe this young woman?

This is a site for young mamas (even those who are 13), and I think that using the language that we are using invalidates what we are trying to do in creating a safe space for young mamas.

Yeah I really don't appreciate the use of child in this context and I am not even a mama! My sister is 14 and she is anything but a child. I was with my boyfriend at age 14 (he was 18), granted weren't having sex yet but I wouldn't look down upon someone who was. Remember that many women on this site had sex at that age consentfully (not a word but i can't think of what is right now... haha) so even if you question why someone of that age would want to date someone at her age, just remember our audience. I don't think that a group of women bonded together because of the prejudices in our society should further age prejudices any further.

I already apologized for using the word "child".

But to disapprove of calling anyone a 'girl', when you use the very word in the site's URL... seems counterproductive.

This probably isn't a justification for it, but as a "girlmom" I am self identifying as that, and calling someone a "girl" (especially in the context in which this young woman is being called a girl -- right next to being called a child) in a different context can be demeaning.
If someone I know - especially another woman - says, "Hey grrrl!" I don't take offence, but if someone I don't know - especially a man, for some reason, says "Heeey girl" I do. Logical? Not really, unless the context is looked at. I think, and I could be wrong, that girl was being used to imply a young woman, and not a female in general. Girl used in a context of a young woman implys a female to young to take care of herself.

It is food for thought, though. What do you think of the name girlmom? Empowering? Or not?

(end ramble, because I'm going on tangents now)...

To be honest, I didn't really think about the site name in any terms.. I don't find it demeaning, nor do I find it empowering.

To me a "girl" is simply a young woman - no more, no less. No positive or negative connotation implied.

Age is just a number!

They probably fight a battle every day against every one that knows their age difference, just like we fight everyone who has a problem with mum's who are young.

We dont know them, who are we to judge?

I am confused as to why people are saying this man should not be judged.

He was 20 when they started seeing each other. She was 12.

Age difference is not as big of a deal when both parties are closer in age and life experience. But a 12 year old and a 20 year old?

If a 20 year old man wanted to date your 12 year old daughter/sister/friend, would you still be saying "Age is just a number"?

The only reason I'm judging him is because he knew the consequences of his actions. What he did was illegal - whether the parents agree with it or not.

over my dead body would a 20 yr old MAN date my 12 yr old daughter..simple as that. if when my daughter was legal (18+) n wanted to still be with him then fine good for it.

I'd get to KNOW the guy before I decided whether or not to allow him to date my 12 year old sister/niece/daughter. Because ageism is just as bad as any other ism, and I choose to judge each person on who they are, not little aspects about them. But eh, I guess that's just me.

Nicole, the age of consent is 14 here, which means that even though your kid might be under 18, it's still legal. And I'm okay with that.

I really think they need to change the age of consent to 16, or 18.

MANY MANY girls who loose their virginitys at a young age will go back, and say they wished that they had waited....and it was one of their biggest regrets. It takes your innocense away. I waited until I was 18, and I have absolutly no regrets about when or who I lost it with. Ive had many boys try to pressure me when I was younger, and I know, that if i had done it, i would have regretted it.

If you waited that's good for you, but you can't say that everyone else regretted it, should have, or will, especially since sex at a young age is something you never experienced.

I had sex when I was under the age of consent in my province. No regrets, no "loss of innocence". Everyone's different, and to say they should change a law because you think everyone who does it young will regret it, is silly. Some do, some don't.

The problem is knowing where to draw the line. One has to be drawn somewhere because you can't take everything on a case by case basis. No state/province has the means to do that... which is why we have consent laws.

If the "young woman" was 10, would that have made the difference? If she were 10 when she became pregnant, would the male be in the wrong.. would she be in the wrong?

Back to the heart of the matter:
The point is that in her state, when she was sexually active with this man, it was illegal. He broke the law as she was 13 when she was impregnated... the law makes no allowance for him whether they were married or not.

I cant say that I am all for young sex.

Im very open minded and everything, but people the age of 12, 13..having sex, is a little unsettling for me. If my son were to tell me he was having sex when he was that young, I would be very concerned.

I am not saying you are a bad person for having sex soo young, I just dont think it is something that should happen as often as it does. Being sexually active brings out a whole new world to people, and its a world thats better left alone until you are older.

I really don't think many people are having sex that young. But should they be restricted from doing so? Not at all. The more we promote "saving ourselves" and other sanctimonious shit like that, we're not only judging women on their sexual activity (which makes no sense - why no mention of guys??) but we're also increasing the liklihood that people will feel shame about their activities.

The fact is that we should be able to make our own decisions, over our own bodies. Some people are mature earlier, some later. Parents are not owners, our kids are not pets. They are individuals who need guidance and support such that we can be sure that they will make wise decisions. If we are overly worried about what they might do, when we're not there, chances are we're not all that confident in how we've done at raising responsible, rational children. When we pressure our kids to make choices that in all fairness, concern only them self and the other party involved, we increase the chances that they're not going to come to us when they need to.

I see people on LJ all the time asking about birthcontrol and emergency contraception and condom subsidies, because they can't tell their parents that they're having sex because the parents might "disown them" or harm their partner, or some other nonsense. It's like abstinence only education - kids are going to have sex. Let's get our heads out of the clouds, accept it and help them be safe and secure about it. I'm planning on talking to my son soon - not only about protection, but about his responsibilities to himself and his potential partners in terms of safety, diseases and respect for the autonomy that each individual deserves, including his right to make decisions over his own body without pressure. I was molested for a long time at a young age and had my parents talked to me sooner about what I deserved, I might have known it was wrong, sooner (no, I don't blame my parents at all). I can't definitely protect my son from this, but I can try my best and I can certainly arm him with knowledge and openness in his relationship with me.

When Tenzin's riding his bike he has to stay beside me and only go as fast as I'm walking. He asks why and I tell him, if I can't see you and I don't know what you're doing, I can't keep you safe. When you give your kids reasons to sneak around and you have an authoritarian relationship rather than an open one, it may seem like they're following what you say, but chances are they're in dangerous situations because your rules have made it that they can't come to you for help on how to be safe.

Our kids are incredibly smart, and that only increases with age. If we're raising them with confidence both in themselves and in us as parents, we can guide them into making choices that are comfortable for us to accept, while knowing that the responsibility for making good choices is because we parented them well. And when they leave us, we can feel good about it, because we know they're going to be okay.

I wish things could be that cut and dried.