It's not like the entire thread was devoted to the original post. The original post was not the only one that was offensive. After three pages there was yet another post which flat out accused the offended people of "trying to steal her joy". Come the fuck on. Don't say anything because it has already been said? Whatever. When the message is so clearly misunderstood the issue must constantly be raised. Because while it may be hard to accept, not accepting it is going to continually hurt the members who have already spoken up.
This is not a case of one bad post and three pages of negative follow up but rather one bad post, followed by honesty and then posts in agreement with the OP with complete disregard for those who said it hurt them. What we're doing here is accusing people of being too harsh. When we are hurt we HAVE to speak up. If we cannot expect understanding, respect, empathy, etc., etc., at a site that is here to provide these very things, how the hell is it a safe space from those exact same things from our 'real' lives that we come here to get away from?
If after three pages someone still has the gall to accuse people who have been hurt by the thread of being joy stealers and other forms of bullshit, obviously the issue needs to continue to be dissected.
Notice how there are no edit buttons here? It's because we're responsible for what we say - we need to own up to it and accept that it may not be entirely okay. If we can't do that, for the other members - our allies, why communicate with them in the first place?
thanks revolt, cause people don't seem to be listening to that, specifaclly the person who was the first to agree with the OP, god people just don't get it.....
you know what they say tricia, common sense isnt always common.
The mods are not some sort of holy beings that regulate everything on this board. (at least I think not? :wink: ) other memebers can actually call people out you know, if you see something that isnt right do you do something about it, or wait until someone who has more power than you does? Think about what the world would be like if everyone sat around waiting for someone else to do everything.
oh i know about the mods, believe me i've been there, I was just trying to make a point...
any way. up until page 3 of a 4 page thread there were people agreeeing with the OP. IT is complete and utter bullshit...that is all there is to be said about it....
oh i know about the mods, believe me i've been there, I was just trying to make a point...
any way. up until page 3 of a 4 page thread there were people agreeeing with the OP. IT is complete and utter bullshit...that is all there is to be said about it....
Oh I know you know about the mods tricia I was telling the other people who leave it to the mods to call others out. Just the 1st line was directed towards you!
lemme clarify something, i NEVER said to silence anybody. everyone has a right to feel safe is all im saying, so how about we slow down the attacks. thats all im sayin.
I know I cant control what is written under a thread I start...
But I would like to say that I started this to deal with the issue of posting to eachother respectfully, and purpusley left out using any examples from other posts or brought up any peoples names, for this reason.
I dont think arguing over that other post really address the issue at hand. Being respectful, courteous, and constructive when posting.
I know I cant control what is written under a thread I start...
But I would like to say that I started this to deal with the issue of posting to eachother respectfully, and purpusley left out using any examples from other posts or brought up any peoples names, for this reason.
I dont think arguing over that other post really address the issue at hand. Being respectful, courteous, and constructive when posting.
That is true. It is kind of redundant for us to be arguing about what was said in another post, but someone addressed that issue in this thread so thats why it is being talked about here. I agree that being respectful would be more constructive but you know what, sometimes being respectful does not really get you anywhere. Sometimes you have to yell and scream to get your point heard.
I didnt know the purpose of this website was to be at eachothers throats like that......
It's not the purpose of the website is to support marginalized mothers not to make them feel like shit cause they don't have a man in their lives.
The purpose of the website is to teach people who are unwilling to stop being so judgemental that there is another way out there beside the sheltered life they live.
The purpose of the website is to grow and mature, not act like little children.
But I guess that purpose gets lost on some people.
I didnt know the purpose of this website was to be at eachothers throats like that......
no... the purpose of this website is to help young moms find the resources and help they need. And the side note is to help people unlearn racism, classism, you name it.
heh tricia, do you see anyone else freaking out??? talk about immature and all that, look in the mirror. no one else is jumping down your throat and using CAPS directed at you.. and saying your like talkin to a brick wall.
hey nicole I don't give a fuck what you think about me , how bout that,
I've been here longer then anyone in this thread, I'm one of the only one's that has run this website, so I know what it takes to keep it going on a day to day basis,
fwiw, I'm not "freaking out" I'm trying (what was calmly at first) to explain why attitudes like some of the attitudes exhibited in these threads are counter productive to girl-mom as a whole. If people don't want to see that, maybe girl-mom isn't the place for them to be at.
I've been here longer then anyone in this thread, I'm one of the only one's that has run this website, so I know what it takes to keep it going on a day to day basis
so does that make you better than us? because you have privilege? oh wait, your not judgemental at all.. your perfect, i forgot.
I've been here longer then anyone in this thread, I'm one of the only one's that has run this website, so I know what it takes to keep it going on a day to day basis
so does that make you better than us? because you have privilege? oh wait, your not judgemental at all.. your perfect, i forgot.
oh get off it nicole, never once have i siad i'm perfect, in fact since i've been here longer then most anyone i've probably been called out more then most everyone.
show me once where I said i was perfect,
petty insults are pretty childish don't you think, I made the comment cause like I said, I know how hard it is to run a site of this magnitude. People are always pissed off and always want to blame the ones who are loud and not afraid to get in the face of the people who just don't or won't get it.
and no it doesn't make me better then anyone fwiw,
and as for the privilege comment, yes I do have privilege but I realize it and try not to flaunt it, or even let most people know unless it is neccisary.
so I'm not sure what that has to do with anything.
well then why not calm down? because getting all pissed off and acting better than everyone isnt productive. as a former mod, you should know that. i never said u said u were perfect, but you act it. you freak on everyone if they mess up once, but when your called on it, you dont apologize. even if someone has apologized to you. this is suppose to be a safe haven not a yelling and bad mouthing place and you of all people should know that and try to help work towards something better.. not continue to make it like it is.
well, since i'm not yelling right now, and i'm not acting better then anyone else,
all i'm trying to do is to get people to understand (who obviosly still don't) what this site is here for.
This site is here so that people can unlearn the bullshit that they've been taught by society. That bullshit has no place here, and I won't back down until i'm satisfied that people understand, whether that is today or a year from now.
I've come from some rough places, and I know what it is like to be on the bottom looking up. It hurts and stings to be told in the one place youdon't expect to here it that you are nothing without a man next to you. sorry don't like it, go away. that is how it is here.
Support, Education, and Community. Thats the point of this website as far as I understand.
When you educate someone in a school as a teacher, or as a parent, you do this in a certain way.
If a teacher or parent corrected a mistake of yours, by shouting, using profanity, or bellitiling you, you wouldnt be very receptive to them.
Instead if they were patient, and calm and respectful, you would be more likely to listen.
I remember when I was in highschool, no one respected the teachers who shouted and got angry immedately. This ended up in people shouting back and disrespecting the teachers tottaly, never listening to them, and talking behind their backs about what horrible teachers they were.
The best teacher I ever had delt with the kids in the class who were being idiots and misbehaving, by yes, giving them detention or giving them a talking too, but in a respectful way, that wasnt negative.
People dont respond well to negativitiy. They become defensive and angry, as is well illistrated in this post. Shouting may seem like the only way to get a point across, but swearing, sarcasim, being condesending? Being forceful about a point is sometimes the only way to get it across. I agree. But making someone feel low and bad about themselves isnt a way you want to get your point across...
It dosent educate, it dosent support, and it dosent create a feeling of community. I am posting this not to blame or point fingers like I said before. Only make it known to some people that there are alot of people who are having a problem with the negative ways in which people respond to posts, they arent a minority, they arent looking to get into fights, and they are too afraid to stand up and say it because they dont want people to start getting angry with them.
It hurts and stings to be told in the one place youdon't expect to here it that you are nothing without a man next to you. sorry don't like it, go away. that is how it is here.
Sooo....basically those of us who have happy relationships, arent allowed to talk about it???
Well, thats not fair. You are better than me, because im having a lot handed to me??? How does that make ANY sense?
ditto to miss kitty.
tricia, im not saying sit back and let things happen, but screaming and stuff isnt productive. unlearning is a process not something that happens when your yelled at. are you able to admit when your wrong? the tone in which ur going about it is wrong. im not the only one who agrees with that. we see your side in if someone says something offensive they need to be called out, but how about in a productive manner? not OMG UR HORRIBLE! MOSTER! type way. can you see where im coming from? i can see where you are coming from.
It hurts and stings to be told in the one place youdon't expect to here it that you are nothing without a man next to you. sorry don't like it, go away. that is how it is here.
Sooo....basically those of us who have happy relationships, arent allowed to talk about it???
Well, thats not fair. You are better than me, because im having a lot handed to me??? How does that make ANY sense?
That is NOT what is being said. This is a support community for marginalized moms. Being in a relationship that's accepted by society makes you more privelged and less marginalized so when you say something that hurts a mama, it needs to stop. There are other personal blog sites where you can say whatever you want, but this is a community where even the smallest voice counts. Those who are marginalized most need this space, it's the only place they can openly express how they feel, whereas talking about your relationship is accepted almost anywhere.
Privelege doesn't mean your life is easy. Not at all. I'm married, I know that there are trials and concerns with it. BUT that does not mean that I can say that I know how hard it is to be single. It doesn't mean that I can completely understand where a single mama is coming from and it doesn't mean that I can say that I have it "just as bad, but with another mouth to feed."
It is NOT about denying someone's happiness, but the far opposite. We need to educate on this site and "little mistakes" can have serious repercussions, it may have seemed trival to some but it hurt others and those voices need to be heard.
like i said, i've had expeirence doing this, maybe in this case the tone in some of my posts wasn't as nice as it could be,
but that being said, i stand behind everything i said and the way i said it because it was appropriate for the timing of the post.
I'm not afraid to be in your face, and yell if need be, there is nothing wrong with that, AT ALL. in fact it's why most people like me and ask me to post.
exactly, the real issue isn't being understood at all. and until it is and unlearning happens, there can't be a very productive conversation. Sometime an "I'm sorry" isn't enough.
It's not like the entire thread was devoted to the original post. The original post was not the only one that was offensive. After three pages there was yet another post which flat out accused the offended people of "trying to steal her joy". Come the fuck on. Don't say anything because it has already been said? Whatever. When the message is so clearly misunderstood the issue must constantly be raised. Because while it may be hard to accept, not accepting it is going to continually hurt the members who have already spoken up.
This is not a case of one bad post and three pages of negative follow up but rather one bad post, followed by honesty and then posts in agreement with the OP with complete disregard for those who said it hurt them. What we're doing here is accusing people of being too harsh. When we are hurt we HAVE to speak up. If we cannot expect understanding, respect, empathy, etc., etc., at a site that is here to provide these very things, how the hell is it a safe space from those exact same things from our 'real' lives that we come here to get away from?
If after three pages someone still has the gall to accuse people who have been hurt by the thread of being joy stealers and other forms of bullshit, obviously the issue needs to continue to be dissected.
Notice how there are no edit buttons here? It's because we're responsible for what we say - we need to own up to it and accept that it may not be entirely okay. If we can't do that, for the other members - our allies, why communicate with them in the first place?
thanks revolt, cause people don't seem to be listening to that, specifaclly the person who was the first to agree with the OP, god people just don't get it.....
you know what they say tricia, common sense isnt always common.
The mods are not some sort of holy beings that regulate everything on this board. (at least I think not? :wink: ) other memebers can actually call people out you know, if you see something that isnt right do you do something about it, or wait until someone who has more power than you does? Think about what the world would be like if everyone sat around waiting for someone else to do everything.
oh i know about the mods, believe me i've been there, I was just trying to make a point...
any way. up until page 3 of a 4 page thread there were people agreeeing with the OP. IT is complete and utter bullshit...that is all there is to be said about it....
Oh I know you know about the mods tricia I was telling the other people who leave it to the mods to call others out. Just the 1st line was directed towards you!
lemme clarify something, i NEVER said to silence anybody. everyone has a right to feel safe is all im saying, so how about we slow down the attacks. thats all im sayin.
I know I cant control what is written under a thread I start...
But I would like to say that I started this to deal with the issue of posting to eachother respectfully, and purpusley left out using any examples from other posts or brought up any peoples names, for this reason.
I dont think arguing over that other post really address the issue at hand. Being respectful, courteous, and constructive when posting.
Why dont we all just agree to disagree...
To many tempers are getting up, and thats just not cool for anyone.
Communities dont work, when everyone in them is angry....lets forget about all this mess and move on, shall we?
That is true. It is kind of redundant for us to be arguing about what was said in another post, but someone addressed that issue in this thread so thats why it is being talked about here. I agree that being respectful would be more constructive but you know what, sometimes being respectful does not really get you anywhere. Sometimes you have to yell and scream to get your point heard.
because agreeing to disagree about this point defeats the WHOLE PURPOSE OF THIS WEBSITE.
OOo damn,
I didnt know the purpose of this website was to be at eachothers throats like that......
It's not the purpose of the website is to support marginalized mothers not to make them feel like shit cause they don't have a man in their lives.
The purpose of the website is to teach people who are unwilling to stop being so judgemental that there is another way out there beside the sheltered life they live.
The purpose of the website is to grow and mature, not act like little children.
But I guess that purpose gets lost on some people.
no... the purpose of this website is to help young moms find the resources and help they need. And the side note is to help people unlearn racism, classism, you name it.
heh tricia, do you see anyone else freaking out??? talk about immature and all that, look in the mirror. no one else is jumping down your throat and using CAPS directed at you.. and saying your like talkin to a brick wall.
Yah know,
I havent said ONE judgemental thing once on this site..
Ive made observations....but ive never called anyone a bad person.
hey nicole I don't give a fuck what you think about me , how bout that,
I've been here longer then anyone in this thread, I'm one of the only one's that has run this website, so I know what it takes to keep it going on a day to day basis,
fwiw, I'm not "freaking out" I'm trying (what was calmly at first) to explain why attitudes like some of the attitudes exhibited in these threads are counter productive to girl-mom as a whole. If people don't want to see that, maybe girl-mom isn't the place for them to be at.
so does that make you better than us? because you have privilege? oh wait, your not judgemental at all.. your perfect, i forgot.
oh get off it nicole, never once have i siad i'm perfect, in fact since i've been here longer then most anyone i've probably been called out more then most everyone.
show me once where I said i was perfect,
petty insults are pretty childish don't you think, I made the comment cause like I said, I know how hard it is to run a site of this magnitude. People are always pissed off and always want to blame the ones who are loud and not afraid to get in the face of the people who just don't or won't get it.
and no it doesn't make me better then anyone fwiw,
and as for the privilege comment, yes I do have privilege but I realize it and try not to flaunt it, or even let most people know unless it is neccisary.
so I'm not sure what that has to do with anything.
well then why not calm down? because getting all pissed off and acting better than everyone isnt productive. as a former mod, you should know that. i never said u said u were perfect, but you act it. you freak on everyone if they mess up once, but when your called on it, you dont apologize. even if someone has apologized to you. this is suppose to be a safe haven not a yelling and bad mouthing place and you of all people should know that and try to help work towards something better.. not continue to make it like it is.
well, since i'm not yelling right now, and i'm not acting better then anyone else,
all i'm trying to do is to get people to understand (who obviosly still don't) what this site is here for.
This site is here so that people can unlearn the bullshit that they've been taught by society. That bullshit has no place here, and I won't back down until i'm satisfied that people understand, whether that is today or a year from now.
I've come from some rough places, and I know what it is like to be on the bottom looking up. It hurts and stings to be told in the one place youdon't expect to here it that you are nothing without a man next to you. sorry don't like it, go away. that is how it is here.
Im going to try a new approach to this...
Support, Education, and Community. Thats the point of this website as far as I understand.
When you educate someone in a school as a teacher, or as a parent, you do this in a certain way.
If a teacher or parent corrected a mistake of yours, by shouting, using profanity, or bellitiling you, you wouldnt be very receptive to them.
Instead if they were patient, and calm and respectful, you would be more likely to listen.
I remember when I was in highschool, no one respected the teachers who shouted and got angry immedately. This ended up in people shouting back and disrespecting the teachers tottaly, never listening to them, and talking behind their backs about what horrible teachers they were.
The best teacher I ever had delt with the kids in the class who were being idiots and misbehaving, by yes, giving them detention or giving them a talking too, but in a respectful way, that wasnt negative.
People dont respond well to negativitiy. They become defensive and angry, as is well illistrated in this post. Shouting may seem like the only way to get a point across, but swearing, sarcasim, being condesending? Being forceful about a point is sometimes the only way to get it across. I agree. But making someone feel low and bad about themselves isnt a way you want to get your point across...
It dosent educate, it dosent support, and it dosent create a feeling of community. I am posting this not to blame or point fingers like I said before. Only make it known to some people that there are alot of people who are having a problem with the negative ways in which people respond to posts, they arent a minority, they arent looking to get into fights, and they are too afraid to stand up and say it because they dont want people to start getting angry with them.
It hurts and stings to be told in the one place youdon't expect to here it that you are nothing without a man next to you. sorry don't like it, go away. that is how it is here.
Sooo....basically those of us who have happy relationships, arent allowed to talk about it???
Well, thats not fair. You are better than me, because im having a lot handed to me??? How does that make ANY sense?
Like I said, while this is a good theory, it is not one that has worked well in the past, or even in the thread reffered to above,
one person (erika) kindly called out the OP, and before anything else another poster was saying how she thought she was so lucky as well.
It's the fact that when you are patient calm and respectful, the people offending "get away" with it.
It's the fact that people don't think before they speak, or read the mission statement before they post.
It's the fact that people don't want to take responibility and instead want to try and blame the offended.
I apologized, and so did Robinq. Many times.
Whats the problem?
ditto to miss kitty.
tricia, im not saying sit back and let things happen, but screaming and stuff isnt productive. unlearning is a process not something that happens when your yelled at. are you able to admit when your wrong? the tone in which ur going about it is wrong. im not the only one who agrees with that. we see your side in if someone says something offensive they need to be called out, but how about in a productive manner? not OMG UR HORRIBLE! MOSTER! type way. can you see where im coming from? i can see where you are coming from.
That is NOT what is being said. This is a support community for marginalized moms. Being in a relationship that's accepted by society makes you more privelged and less marginalized so when you say something that hurts a mama, it needs to stop. There are other personal blog sites where you can say whatever you want, but this is a community where even the smallest voice counts. Those who are marginalized most need this space, it's the only place they can openly express how they feel, whereas talking about your relationship is accepted almost anywhere.
Privelege doesn't mean your life is easy. Not at all. I'm married, I know that there are trials and concerns with it. BUT that does not mean that I can say that I know how hard it is to be single. It doesn't mean that I can completely understand where a single mama is coming from and it doesn't mean that I can say that I have it "just as bad, but with another mouth to feed."
It is NOT about denying someone's happiness, but the far opposite. We need to educate on this site and "little mistakes" can have serious repercussions, it may have seemed trival to some but it hurt others and those voices need to be heard.
yeah nicole i admit i'm wrong all the time,
like i said, i've had expeirence doing this, maybe in this case the tone in some of my posts wasn't as nice as it could be,
but that being said, i stand behind everything i said and the way i said it because it was appropriate for the timing of the post.
I'm not afraid to be in your face, and yell if need be, there is nothing wrong with that, AT ALL. in fact it's why most people like me and ask me to post.
That the real issue isn't being understood.
exactly, the real issue isn't being understood at all. and until it is and unlearning happens, there can't be a very productive conversation. Sometime an "I'm sorry" isn't enough.
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