girl-mom

Community Advocacy and Support by and for Young Mothers

Setting Boundaries? BD problems

8 posts / 0 new
Last post
Chicamocha
Chicamocha's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 12 months ago
Joined: 2004-05-08 14:16
Setting Boundaries? BD problems

Mike (BD) and I have been split up for over a year now (actually creeping up on a year and a half). While we haven't signed anything to make it offical yet its definatly over.

He has visitiation on the weekends. But he works and more often then not its his stepdad or mother taking care of xander and not Mike (he has gotten better about this but not much). It pisses me off but not much I can do. His mother and I get along really good. She babysits whenever I need and never asks questions. But I feel like shes doing too much. She lets Mike get away with a lot (ie sleeping when he should be up with Xander or Xander sleeping with his mother and not with him since we cosleep). She says she doesn't mind but it bothers me so much. When I bring it up on either end it ends up in a big ass arguement and so lately I have tried not to bring it up.

How can I deal? How can I set bounaries with out offending her? He also gets mad. So how can I make sure he understands he needs to be a parent not just when its convinent? I'm really at a loss here and the somewhat cordial relationship Mike and I is going down the drain.

Also, we went to court back in October for CS. The night before Mike called me and told me he was going to take full custody of Xander so he wouldn't have to pay CS because he was too poor to pay for it. He said he was just barely making due. Being overstressed and just well me I flipped and told him we could go for less CS and talk about custody later. I agreed on $226 less in CS to make sure I could keep Xander. I got the letter back from the courts and its like $200 higher then what we had agreed on. I was going to write a letter to have them modify it but... I checked Mike's bank account since its our joint account and it shows how much money hes been spending on going out to eat and other BS things. So I still haven't wrote the letter. To be honest I don't want too. I still haven't gotten a check (make that three months without CS) and I haven't told Mike I haven't written the letter. Can I just not write it? What should I do?

CanadianMamma
CanadianMamma's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 3 months ago
Joined: 2005-10-16 01:48
Setting Boundaries? BD problems

About the child support, it is his responsibility to pay support. He cannot just get custody because he doesn't want to pay. If things are the way you say they are with his mom doing most of the childcare on his weekends, I think he'd be pretty hard pressed to prove your child is better off with him. I don't know where you live, but most places the courts don't like to take a child away from the mother unless there's a good reason. Do you have any reason to suspect that it could be harmful to your child to be in his care? I think the best he could hope for is joint custody, but if you can prove that he wouldn't be a responsible custodial parent, he will probably get court ordered visitation.

How are you doing for money? Will having him pay less for cs make things more difficult for you? Will you have to struggle harder to survive and provide for your son? Now, he says he's struggling yet you can see all the things he's spending money on. Can you afford those things on what you're making? He is as much responsible for financially supporting your child as you are, he shouldn't be able to live a better life than his child, kwim? Will you ever be in a position of needing financial assistance from the government? Because if you allow him to pay less for cs, they may hold that against you. If it's going to cause problems for you, I would advise you to think very carefully before writing that letter. If you're in a position where it won't have a negative effect on you and your child, then if you WANT to let him off the hook a bit, go ahead. But remember, it is up to you. If he's been orrdered to pay a certain amount, that is his problem, not yours.

g_moonglitter
g_moonglitter's picture
Offline
Last seen: 8 years 9 months ago
Joined: 2004-05-26 12:14
Setting Boundaries? BD problems

1-don't reduce childsupport, he won't get custody. he's lying to you.

2-you can't control bd to be a 'real dad', can't do anything about the fact that he basically sucks. kids figure it out. so in short, don't "do" anything about the fact that gramma watches kid instead of bd. or bd isn't pulling his weight. let it go. kids gunna be fine.

firefly1
firefly1's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 5 months ago
Joined: 2004-08-11 03:49
Setting Boundaries? BD problems

honestly you cant be too poor for cs and be able to have a child. what about the fact he will have to work less because he has to watch a child he has never had to do, so he will have even less income and more to pay for he will be doublely broke. he will realize that, dont worry. and dont take less child support your need that money. he is paying you for doing a job he copped out to. he could be there but isnt. you do all the work and pay for everything. he basically is scott free. first you need to break joint accounts. you need to get child support, even if you are doing ok with bills, wouldnt that money mean you could stay home more ? get your child braces? send him to college? dont write the letter and dont say anything, he will never know and if he does find out, tell him you wont reduce your childs chances to live better so that he will not have to give up any convieances. just to put your mind at ease, they wont award custody to someone who doesnt pay child support. why would they? either he isnt finacialy able to take care of a child because obviously he cant afford child support, or two he is negligent because he doesnt care about paying, if he can, there for he couldnt prove he has his childs best interest at heart. he they find he is getting paid enough money to pay and doesnt then they wont award custody. so maybe you should go back for the full amount you were orginally rewarded.

mommy2chloerae
mommy2chloerae's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 5 months ago
Joined: 2004-05-06 18:33
Setting Boundaries? BD problems

rebex wrote:
1-don't reduce childsupport, he won't get custody. he's lying to you.

2-you can't control bd to be a 'real dad', can't do anything about the fact that he basically sucks. kids figure it out. so in short, don't "do" anything about the fact that gramma watches kid instead of bd. or bd isn't pulling his weight. let it go. kids gunna be fine.

Agreed.

And about 2- he really hsould be doing more and become more involved but it isn't your responsibility to make sure that happens. He's his own person and responsible for his actions, if he wants to miss out fine. It sounds like Grandma is at least pulling some weight (even if it really should be HIM doing that) and I think it's important to let your son build his relationship with her, even if BD doesn't step in. Plus it gives you a bit of a break knowing that he's being taken care of.

Chicamocha
Chicamocha's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 12 months ago
Joined: 2004-05-08 14:16
Setting Boundaries? BD problems

Thanks for the answers.

He just called me AT WORK to tell me that he got a letter from the state saying he owes $300 and he has to pay it in full before he can dispute it. When I told him tough pay it. He got mad. It basically turned into him saying that he said the things he did out of anger and we got into it all over again. I'm just so tired of it all. He knows I make more then him but I bartend so its all in tips. While I am doing okay on $$ now once we slow down for the winter I won't be making as much. And once I get a real job the money will definatly be less. I don't want to write the letter and everything I do I do it to help whats left of our relationship but I'm tired of being the only one. He got mad last night b/c I asked him to get X a hair cut this weekend when he has him and he told me he doesn't need one and it turned into a big mess. I can't deal anymore.

katg
katg's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 2 weeks ago
Joined: 2003-12-10 16:39
Setting Boundaries? BD problems

It doesn't matter if you are making more money than him or not. Your son is his kid as well -- therefor he needs to help support him.
He is being an asshat, and needs to grow up and realize that he's a grown up and needs to start acting like one.
I know it's so hard, mama, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing.

Chicamocha
Chicamocha's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 12 months ago
Joined: 2004-05-08 14:16
Setting Boundaries? BD problems

i just talked to his mom. she said hes been moody for awhile now and acting just as hateful to her.

i know i'm doing the right thing its just so hard to deal with it and not want to smack his head up against the wall. seriously...