Im new to this site and I am devastated by the reality of mylife I am 22 I got pregnant the 1st time at 16 I was involved with drugs tothe degree that i didnt relize i was pregnant 4 3 months as soon as i found out i stopped and prayed and begged the docs 4 reassurace my babbys dad was19 and we broke up and got back 2times while i was pregnant ending thing 4 good when our son was like 2 mos he pays $ but isnot adad so imet this guy on my son 6 mo old bday and he acted like he was in love with my child and me i got pregnant by my son 1st bday with aboy who died in the hospital at 5days old 2 days b4 my 19th i binge drank everynight w my bf 4 a year it was the only way i could have sex w my then live in bf and not cry at orgasam but by what would have been my little angels 1st halloween i stopped drinking and found strength ingod and closed the door to the bedroom so to speak and finally began to heel and on what would have been his 1st b day he cheated with a "professional' so to speak he says he thought i was cheating he was always the jealous type he wouldnt even hold my hand he fell in love with someone who was emotinally unavalable to him (he was a repet client) alss he would have done was make love to me and not just want somthing cheap and i would have opened up after a few weeks he wouldnt touch me untill around christmas about a week b4 he was probably short on cash he asked me to perform what she did just to feel somthing from him i did he asked me to alter my apperance to look more like her and i did but irefused implants because i love mine i got pregnant that night he started feeling guilty he bought me a new car a washer dryer a new stove started spending that $ onme i started to feel happy again but he accussed me of the possibility of another father he hit me2 times while iwas pregnant after our daughter was born he knew she was his and never said that again but hit me every time i stood up 4 myself about anythig 2 seperations this year lasting about 3 months each he held money over my head while he was gone he thretend to take the baby when she was 6weeks old the abuse never stoped no matter what he said he told me it was my fault that i was crazy that i deserved it he beat me into unconciousness while iwas holding the baby strangeled me raped me i could do nothing to convince him of my worth and value hes in prison now thats not how i wanted this to end at one time he was the only person i trusted how can i ever trust anyone again and still i wonder if hes ok im doin better though imoved back home w my mom and its better but i depended on him 4 every thing i dont even know how to drive acar im 22 icant get ajob cuz in 3 years he hasent let me work im scared and its his fault idont want to be this way anymore and thats more then ive told anyone thnks 4 lettingme get it out
When recovering from physical abuse, sometimes we see the emotional and financial aspect of the relationship as the "good part". Like even though he was abusive at least he did X, Y, and Z.
In reality, the money and "trust" he provided for you was part of the abuse. He used it to make you feel like you NEEDED him and as though you are nothing on your own. I think he also used his relationship with the sex worker to make you feel less desireable and less likey to find someone else.
He is in jail and you are physically safe. Your next step is to heal the emotional wounds. You don't need him to survive or to raise your children. You have positive qualities that make you valuable on your own. I'm sorry, I don't know you so I can't tell you what those qualities are. You can find them by thinking of what you're good at and what you like to do. Maybe you can go to college and puruse a career.
you know I always wanted to work 4 the local childrens hospital here in kansas city but lacked the edjucation to work directly with the kids he didnt want me to go to school its hard living with my mom though and I cant get a good enough job having not worked in 4 years to move out I just wonder why he treated me this way 4 my faults insted of loving me past my faults or even my pain when i sufferd a raging case of depression after the loss of my son I did all that and more 4 him why didnt he see what a good thing he had I want to do all of the things he has done to me to show him how it feels somedays I still love him some days I hate him all days its with adeep passion
BY THE WAY IS IT NORMAL TO WANT WHAT I HAD WITH HIM B4 THE ABUSE BEGAN I KNOW IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN BUT HE WAS THE ONLY PERSON I TRUSTED AND NOW I WONDER IF I WILL EVER TRUST AGAIN