Everyone, thanks for sharing your stories. It brings tears to my eyes that anyone has to endure these things.
Thanks for bumping this and keeping it alive guys!!
I know this is so super old. But i wanted to bump it. There are some really strong mommas here.
Yes, there are some very strong mamas on here. Thanks for bumping this.
I would like to share my story today but I have a job fair to go to and i want to keep this at bay for now even though it has been increasingly harder these past few months, almost like if I dont tell it all I'll explode
I know the feeling momma. If you aren't totally ready to post here you can PM if you want. I'm ready to listen whenever your ready.
Same goes for anyone who needs to talk. i know it can be hard to keep it in all the time. But even harder to talk about.
It makes me soooo ANGRY to read all of your stories. :x
One thing that stuck out to me was the way that coersion was often referred to as something that made you guys feel "guilty." Gah, that sure struck a tone with me.
See, I've been in that situation more times than I would like to remember. This is probably going to be quite jumbled because it's the first time I've actually talked about any of it, and it's an internal mess from backtracking, and overthinking it all.
When I was 14 I met Tim. He was in his early 20's and a marine. One night my friend and I went to his place and got quite drunk, watching movies...at some point late in the night his 2 house mates came home, both also marines...and next thing there's a porn on. My friend and I had a bit of a laugh, and didn't think much of it. Tim took me to his room, where we had sex (consentual, I'd wanted that all along), BUT after he'd finished he picked me up and took me to his housemate's room. I was lying there talking to him...I remember being so drunk that everything was spinning. Next thing he's trying to have sex with me and I'm telling him no, but I was so drunk I can't remember much of what happened. Next thing he's carrying me to the NEXT housemate's bed. I'd hated this guy from the first moment I met him, he was pathetic. But when he tried to have sex with me I was too tired to argue. I remember calling out for my friend at some point in the night, but she didn't hear me...so maybe I just wanted to, I'm not sure. Apparently the last guy went out and tried to get with her after too...but being the person that she is (quite intimidating/strong) nothing happened. I didn't tell her what happened the next day...and I didn't once think I was raped. I blamed myself to the extent that I did not even consider it! It wasn't until about 5 years later, when my friend was talking about that night, that it struck me that what happened was actually rape. Bit late to do anything at that point...
When I was 18 I was in a similar situation with a friend of mine. I thought he was a friend, anyway. :roll: We'd been seeing each other quite casually for a few months, and one night I was in his room when in came his boss (he was in the army). I still don't know if I'd been drugged or just drank entirely too much...although that's hard to believe the way my memory from that night is so very disjointed. I remember having sex with both of them, and being in and out of consciousness. I remember not wanting to have sex at all...but it's all so jumbled that I don't know what happened really. What I DO know is that before I'd gotten to that state I'd told my "friend" that I was too tired, and wanted to sleep instead of having sex. Again, I never thought of that as rape. I thought of that as putting myself in a shitty situation.
I'm upsetting myself, so that's all I'll post for now..
I WISH I could go back and do it again now. Not that I'd want to be in those situations, or that I think I could change what happened, but wow would I have handled myself differently AFTERWARDS. I'd have known that what happened was not my fault, at all. It was the fault of men I put trust in...maybe I shouldn't have, sure...but they should have respected that trust, not taken advantage of it!!!! Grrr!
I also wanted to say...
When I was 14 I was a witness at court for my best friend who had been raped by the father of the kid she babysat for. It was a really traumatic ordeal for everyone involved, my friend especially. In my head there was no doubt that THAT WAS rape. Maybe because my situations were so different from her situation I downplayed what had happened to me, because what happened to her had been so much worse? I'm not too sure...but again, I wouldn't do that now! That's like not pressing charges when someone punches you because they didn't kill you? It makes no sense...
i understand what your saying about "downplaying" the situation Ardentwhispers. I did the same thing. I told myself that it was REALLY rape because he was my boyfriend, i went there with him, i didn't fight THAT hard, the list goes on. but it's all bullshit. What he did to me was rape, what those men did to you was rape. I'm so sorry that happened to you momma. you seem so so strong now. and i truly beleive, " What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger " I'm here if you ever need to talk.
I was raped by my boyfriend. He was physically abusive to me, and when I would refuse to have sex with him, he would hit me so I would agree. Because the physical abuse, in my mind, was so much more serious, I never really acknowledged the fact that he raped me, until several years later.
I seriously downplayed a lot too. and felt guitly (dirty...and that I DESERVED it of all things..I put myself in the situation, right?) We where seeing each other casually. I met him through a friend and he seemed alright. I loved hearing about his biking and ..well..I guess that's it now that I look back on it.
He and my friend and I where hanging out at one of those hang-out places grown-ups organize to give us somethig to do so we stay out of trouble. They had a HUGE fight in the rec room (it was just the three of us) and she stormed off. So I was yelling at him abot how he should chill the hell out and stop being so mean to her and I went off to find my friend. When we where in the hallway hhe dragged me into the bathroom and I found myself figting to get out. I didn't tell anyone about what happened. I made excuses for the bruses and tried my best to hide it at all costs.
It took me a year to tell my life-long best friend. He was so supportive of me. I can still hear him telling me that it was ok. I owe him so much.
A few years went by and I slowly healed. I got to hanging out with some guys who became my family away from my family. A guy was running around my town with a gun and since I was living alone at that time I was pretty scared so I stayed overnight at B's house. It wasn't the 1st time, we all usually crashed there. I loved his family and the delicious dominican food his mom cooked.
This was the 2nd time this sort of thing happened to me. I woke up because he was MOLESTING me. My close friend! I told him to leave me alone and that I just wanted to sleep. He didn't stop until he decided he was done though.
I didn't tell Seff about the 2nd one for a few months. I was ashamed of myself. I thought he would think I WANTED it and that I was just trying to play innocent to get off homefree. He was so mad at me. Not becuase of the incident itself but becuase I didn't tell him. Needless to say he forgave me within a minute or two but it takes a LOT of self control to keep from hurting B.
wow...I didn't mean to tell my life's story here. Once I started typing I just couldn't stop. It felt so amazing to get it out even if it is upsetting me. I'll add a trigger to the top of the post. Thank you so much for listening. :oops:
thanks everyone for sharing your stories.
Like so many of you said, I also downplayed it. I qualified rape as I had seen it in movies â and it wasnât what I had experienced. It was denial, and while it is sad that I did it, I think in many ways that denial kept me alive.
I met him when I was really young, but we started dating when I was 15. He seemed to respect my dis-interest in sex. I wasnât ready, and he said he respected that. He didnât. The first time I really didnât know what he was doing. Seriously, I was that naive. When I felt that horrible feeling of him entering me, I screamed with the pain, and he actually stopped because I startled him. I told myself that it was an accident, that it was no biggie, I was still a virgin and he still respected me. The next day he pinned me on my parents couch (they were at work). I cried, and he actually asked if I was crying because it was so beautiful.
We had been together about 6 months by this point, and the amount of emotional abuse that had been ongoing made me feel that I deserved it, that I was worthless and dirty anyway. He just made that feeling official. Because of my conservative upbringing I really felt that my body held little value to protect after that first time was gone.
There was never any consentual sex in our relationship, I just eventually stopped fighting him. It was easier and less painful to just hope it would be over sooner. He would still be violent with me a lot, he enjoyed that. He started hitting and kicking me other times too. But I still defined things by what I knew. Rape didnât happen by boyfriends, especially not nice ones, and I thought he was. Boyfriends who do not live with you can not be abusive, its not "domestic violence" or anything nearly that serious I would tell myself. Deep down I knew it was wrong, but I felt like I didnât deserve better. Eventually I changed my mind, and I started fighting him again. I was pulling away. He knew it.
I engaged in what I would qualify now as destructive behavior back then. I hated me, and so there was no reason to be careful with my life. But that night I was actually well behaved, I was careful. It was a friendâs birthday, and though we were really tense we were going to go together and I figured it would be tolerable because I could go with him, be with others and probably catch a ride home with someone else. It didnât work out that way. He gave me a fruity drink, and after a few sips the night gets grey and foggy. I remember being helped out to the car, and someone with a concerned voice insisting that something was wrong with me. He said no, she just had to much again, I will get her home. I tried to get out of the truck, as the darkness closed in I had the clearest perception that I was in tremendous danger. I reached for the door handle, and slipped out of my seat to the floor. I saw the streetlight from my awkward position there and I remember nothing else clearly.
The next morning I woke up in pain and feeling like death would be a welcome change. I vomited blood, saw double, had piercing head ache and had blood in my underwear. I tried to ignore what happened for 6 weeks, when the pregnancy test told the truth. Painful as it was, it saved my life. My son saved me and he is my everything.
It took me a long time to acknowledge what happened to me, I blacked out a lot, and this also helped me live through all of it. I am stronger now because of it, but some days are really hard still. Because I never reported any of the abuse or rape, and because I had a child with my rapist and never took any legal action I have to face him regularly. It is a hell I would wish on no one. He is now abusive to our son and I am in the agonizingly slow process of proving this, and the guilt on my shoulders weighs indescribably.
It makes me so sad to see all the stories of what awful men did to all the wonderful mamas. And sadly enough I have my own story.
I was 14, it was towards the end of my 8th grade year. I was staying the night at my best friend Angela's. Her older brother Michael was hot, older and popular. He wanted us to drink with him (probably to try to get with me sadly enough) and Angela didn't want to. I did. I was at a stage in my life where if I knew it would get me in trouble I wanted to do it. The more trouble it would cause the more appeal. Angela fell asleep early, about 9 or so. I snuck out of her room and into Michael's. He was suprised to see me I think. We had to sneak out of the house and down to the woods to get the alcohol. He didn't have it in the house so his dad wouldn't find it. We snuck back into his room and started drinking. It was a full 1/5 of peppermint schnapps. He kept pushing me to drink more. We were drinking it straight out of the bottle. It was disappearing amazingly fast. It was mostly me drinking it. I remember sitting on his bed and going "Wow, the room is spinning really fast" He just laughed and told me to lay down, that I would feel better. The next hour or so is a big blur. I came in and out of it. I remember him asking me to suck him off and I kept telling him no. . . . . . time passed and he was pushing me down to try and suck him, it hurt. . . . . . . I remember him kissing on me and me telling him no, I kept thinking I don't want to lose my virginity this way. . .. . . the next thing I remember is him penetrating me for the first time and me just laying there too drunk to do anything but thinking "This isn't right, I don't want to do this." I wanted to scream out no, stop it, but the words wouldn't come to me. I just layed there. . . . . . . I blacked out again and when I came to this time I was staring at the door and Angela was staring right back. I just layed there in too much shock to move. I had finished almost that whole bottle off by myself. The next morning I tried to play it off like nothing happened. Angela was so angry at me she couldn't look at me. I just left and said nothing. A few days later at school I tried to explain what happened. She wouldn't listen. He had told her he woke up and I was in bed with him trying to fool around. She believed the fucking bastard! I know he's her brother but I just couldn't believe it. To get back at me she told the whole school his version of the events. I spent the next 3 months fighting off rumors that I was pregnant because of him and it ruined my reputation. I don't know what happened but I played into that role. Fooling around and sleeping around. It didn't help that a little over a year I had Ian. I've always played it off. Wanting to believe that I said yes, that I had willingly given away my virginity, but I didn't. It's hard to face up to what actually happened, it makes me so angry at what he did. But theres nothing I can do to change it. Just let other girls know what can happen.
am sorry for what you went through
Katlin, thank you for sharing your story and bumping this up. You are a really strong mama.
i never realized how many of us there where. and how many of us thought it wasn't what it was...this is really disturbing to think about. i mean, we're just a small group of women...how many people around the world think of their experience like we do of our own? I'm so mad...