Hi all, I'm a long time lurker who could use some advice please.
My SIL, N, has kids and her oldest is roughly the same age as mine. We were over there yesterday to play and Carly, my oldest, and M, hers, were playing with some of M's toys. They are both 5. When it was time to leave, Carly threw a FIT, absolute yelling, screaming tantrum and she wanted to take a toy of J's home with her. When I told her no, she kept up with the fit and it got worse!! She did not want to leave without the damn toy! I asked N, in desperation, if I could take the toy home and bring it back later so I could Carly home(she'd been throwing this fit for at least 15 minutes), but she said No, it was M's favorite toy and she didn't want to reward Carly's behavior.
OK, I get it's M's toy and a loved one at that, but I didn't want to keep it, I just wanted my kid to calm down so i could get her home with some peace, ya know? If the situation was reversed, I would have told her to take the toy, it's just plastic, I'd get it back. Plus, I feel she was sort of out of line with the "reward Carly's behavior" remark.
I felt so bad on the drive home(45 minutes) because everytime we passed a store, Carly begged for me to stop and buy the toy! I couldn't and felt shitty for that too.
Should I say something to N or let it slide? Am I out of line or over emotional and over reacting?
SIL issues or not...
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Sun, 2006-04-09 23:59
#1
SIL issues or not...
Well, I only have a 1 year old, so this has yet to happen to me. But, from what I read in the books, you're not "supposed" to reward or punish a tempertantrum. There supposed to do no good or bad for the child.
Now, I can emagine this is harder than it may sound in the books... You can parent your own child any which way works for your family. But, in that same respect, you have to accept that your SIL will be doing her own type of parenting. That is what she believes. Maybe she's %100 for the books.
I can totally see myself in the same sittuation as you one day. Where, you just want to get the tantrum over with. You're at your wits end, and then someone else is not letting you do what you need to to have peace again. That might really P me off too. But, I think you're gonna have to let this one slide.
Did you speak with your daughter about why she can't have other childrens toys, and why her behaviour was unacceptable? I don't know how much she can grasp, but I'd emagine a child that age might understand enough. Working with your childs behaviour and setting limits and bounaries might be your best option here.
I feel a little out of my league in answering this question. Sorry if it isn't all that helpful.
Frankly, I think your SIL had a point...
a) it was her child's favourite toy, and so she had every right to decide that it wouldn't go anywhere.
b) I think she was right in the idea of "rewarding behaviour"...because by letting your daughter take the toy, you would be showing her that if she throws a fit she gets what she wants...which is a really good way to set up a pattern of that sort of behaviour.
I agree with the pp. Children throw tantrums for a reason, to test your limits. If you gave in and let her take the toy, she would think "if I want something, I will just throw a fit and mommy will give in" I know its embarrassing when kiddo throws a fit in front of relatives, but you really can't give in, as hard as it may be.
Also, if it was M's favorite toy, thats not really fair to take it away.
I don't think you are over emotional or over reacting. As parents we don't just know everything. A tantrum is a very stressful time and a lot of times you just want to get it over with. But in the long run it will be better for both of you if you don't give in to what your daughter wants.
yeah, I had a chance to think about it some more and talk w/ Carly about it and SIL was fully in the right not to let the toy leave with Carly. I didn't love her remark about rewarding behavior because she's not the parent or caretaker of Carly, but I do see her point.
I think I was just frazzled after the drive home and a crappy night, plus Carly only recently started throwing these gigantic tantrums and it's been tough.
Thinking about it some more, i know I'm not supposed to give in, it's hard sometimes though but I'm trying!
Thanks for the perspective.
I hear you on the tantrums...but I've found with my son, the easiest way to make them stop was to refuse to let him have whatever it was he was demanding, and at the same time to ignore him...eg, if we were at home the minute he would start up, I would leave the room. He got no payoff, and he stopped almost immediately. My making a big fuss about how much easier it was to deal with him when he was calm, he soon realised that it was easier to not throw tantrums.