I think I have finaly realized that I am in an abusive relationship with myself. Or at least I think I am.
I let myself continue to do things that hurt me, and make me feel bad about myself. But I don't know how to stop.
My ex boyfriend was my world, I loved him. Very foolishly I let go of all my friends (and we had some arguments that contributed heavily) and all I had was him. Then he tells me he's still too in love with his ex, and he breaks up with me. Both of us in tears.
Then he comes to my house over winter break. We start drinking, especialy him. I didn't really want to drink more but he only would if I would, and I had a good idea of what would happen if we were both drunk...so I kept drinking. Sure enough we start making out. Then stop and talk about if it's a good idea or not. We both know it's not but we continue on. Then we have sex. which was a big deal because we had both been virgins up until that point.
He leaves to go back to RI (where he lives and we both go to school). He doesn't think having sex will be a good idea but I can't bear the thought of having sex with him that once, on a futon of all places I swore I'd never lose my virginity, so I make up some half true half fluff explaination of why it's a good idea. We keep having sex.
I try to date other people. I can't find anyone who I really like. I tried making out with a boy but it just made me feel so upset, it didn't feel like Kyle, my ex. I had to stop, told him I was tired. Then I went into my room and sobbed.
He pretty much keeps me a secret. He hates how his friends and I are friends now, because we talk and we tell each other things. He just called me furious because they are at one of their friends b-day parties and they are teasing him bc I told one of his friends about how kyle enjoys having his prostate rubbed. Which perhaps was wrong of me to do, but his friend and I were talking about things to do with our partners and so I thought what we said would be between us. I know this argument will most likely end just like all of our other arguments....with me apologizing, and taking all the blame, and letting him rant and rave and tell me how stupid and mean ect it was of me to do that while I just sit and agree waiting until things will be okay so we can cuddle again.
I know that I need to push myself away from him and let go, but I can't muster up the strength to do it.
I know it's killing me. I feel depressed, I feel foolish, stupid, used, frustrated, and a million other things. I just keep supressing all these feelings so that I can keep trucking along and keep holding onto him. I feel so lonely without him. He's pretty much my only friend, and friends are not easy to make. At least not for me. Especialy since I have major social anxiety.
I feel like he's ashamed of me in some way, how he never wants anyone to know when he's with me, or what we're doing. His ex gf before me, the one he's still in love with, had no idea that he and I still talk, she has no idea about the sex. And I know that I deserve to be friends with people, and have sex with people, who aren't ashamed of the fact. But still I cannot make myself leave.
Why do I do these things to myself, and why can't I stop?