I think I have finaly realized that I am in an abusive relationship with myself. Or at least I think I am.
I let myself continue to do things that hurt me, and make me feel bad about myself. But I don't know how to stop.
My ex boyfriend was my world, I loved him. Very foolishly I let go of all my friends (and we had some arguments that contributed heavily) and all I had was him. Then he tells me he's still too in love with his ex, and he breaks up with me. Both of us in tears.
Then he comes to my house over winter break. We start drinking, especialy him. I didn't really want to drink more but he only would if I would, and I had a good idea of what would happen if we were both drunk...so I kept drinking. Sure enough we start making out. Then stop and talk about if it's a good idea or not. We both know it's not but we continue on. Then we have sex. which was a big deal because we had both been virgins up until that point.
He leaves to go back to RI (where he lives and we both go to school). He doesn't think having sex will be a good idea but I can't bear the thought of having sex with him that once, on a futon of all places I swore I'd never lose my virginity, so I make up some half true half fluff explaination of why it's a good idea. We keep having sex.
I try to date other people. I can't find anyone who I really like. I tried making out with a boy but it just made me feel so upset, it didn't feel like Kyle, my ex. I had to stop, told him I was tired. Then I went into my room and sobbed.
He pretty much keeps me a secret. He hates how his friends and I are friends now, because we talk and we tell each other things. He just called me furious because they are at one of their friends b-day parties and they are teasing him bc I told one of his friends about how kyle enjoys having his prostate rubbed. Which perhaps was wrong of me to do, but his friend and I were talking about things to do with our partners and so I thought what we said would be between us. I know this argument will most likely end just like all of our other arguments....with me apologizing, and taking all the blame, and letting him rant and rave and tell me how stupid and mean ect it was of me to do that while I just sit and agree waiting until things will be okay so we can cuddle again.
I know that I need to push myself away from him and let go, but I can't muster up the strength to do it.
I know it's killing me. I feel depressed, I feel foolish, stupid, used, frustrated, and a million other things. I just keep supressing all these feelings so that I can keep trucking along and keep holding onto him. I feel so lonely without him. He's pretty much my only friend, and friends are not easy to make. At least not for me. Especialy since I have major social anxiety.
I feel like he's ashamed of me in some way, how he never wants anyone to know when he's with me, or what we're doing. His ex gf before me, the one he's still in love with, had no idea that he and I still talk, she has no idea about the sex. And I know that I deserve to be friends with people, and have sex with people, who aren't ashamed of the fact. But still I cannot make myself leave.
Why do I do these things to myself, and why can't I stop?
i had a relationship a lot like this, and it took me getting pregnant to realize, "oh my god. i don't want to be around you anymore, you don't really care about me and please get out of my life." granted, i had thought this before, but the fact that i was about to have a daughter of my own made me realize i didn't want her to grow up thinking that women should be treated that way by the men they love, so i just had to let go.
hopefully, you'll be able to see this and really stick to it before you're in such dire circumstances. i sure wish i had been able to, but i know how hard it can be.
also, if someone really loves, likes, or even respects you -- they'll never, EVER keep you a secret.
i know how you feel because i lost a lot of friends bc i was with my bf 24/7. not his fault, but i knew i was losing friends and didnt care. now he is all i have as well. I am also in an abusive relationship with myself, or i was before i got pregnant i think. I used to smoke all the time, and i would let people use me. i knew guys were using me and i'd let them . I would know my "friends" were taking advantage of me (i'd always drive, do them favors, smoke them up, ect) and get nothing back. I would put myself in bad situations and let myself get hurt, i cheated on the only guy i ever loved and it ended up ruining our relationship. i did things for the thrill or the rush and every time i ended up hurting myself. It sucks. i know how you feel hun. By the way, i am from RHode island.. did you say you live there??? i live in lincoln. Where in RI are you from?? i think you are the only person on this site that lives near me!!! anyway i seem ruin every good thing in my life, and constantly fuck myself over and make bad choices. i dont know why. before i got pregnant i tried coke knowing it could lead me to addiction and bad situations. i kept doing it anyway. i did it up until i found out i was pregnant. i think about it a lot. i dont know why i am always making bad choices and letting people use me. but i have to say i have learned over the years and gotten better with it (finally!!!). i really feel for you and i know what its like to let a guy just have you ready to do whatever and be so hung up on him even when you know its just hurting you. i hope things get better for you hun. take care!
oh and just to tell you.. i've had guys keep me a secret... and it could mean he just wants sex....... so what i would do is try to not mess around with him and see if he still enjoys being with you. i hope this guy starts treating you how you deserve... please though, do me a favor. Set some standards now. Dont let him walk all over you because if you put up with everything in the beginning, he will become used to treating you like that and it wont ever get better. I know from experience.
Hey Katie, I don't live here I just go to school at URI. I live in wakefield, so I guess that's like an hour or so away (like everything in this state!) But I know what you mean, I never feel like anyone from the board lives around here!
And thanks everyone for your replies. we're righting right now and of course he's trying to make me feel bad. So I just told him that he can accept my apology or be angry but not expect me to come chasing after him to make it better....we'll see what happens. I hope he calms down, and I hope I don't cave.
Have you thought about therapy to work through this at all?
You said you go to URI? thats a good school I'd like to go there, and live in a dorm but that will never happen since i'm having a baby soon. It says baby mama on your posts. Do you have a child??? I am wondering if you have a baby how do you get to live at URI because i'd like to go there as well.