I feel like today I woke for the first time in a long time, and definitely for the first time since becoming a mother. I feel like for the past ten weeks since my daughter, Lucy, was born, I have been in a sort of fog. Just drifting aimlessly from one sleepless night, one feeding, one diaper change to the next without really enjoying my life. I have looked forward to having time to myself whenever possible, and then spent that time sleeping or crying in my room because I felt so overwhelmed. I hated my body, and felt like my weight was getting out of control. My stretch marks disgusted me and half the time I was out of the house, I was worrying about whether or not my clothes were covering what I thought of as my gross, distended belly. I loved my daughter passionately, but was always unsure of how to express my love, and too focused on just getting through every long day to actually enjoy the time I got to spend with her. I always saw the days I spent with her as a sort of prison, a punishment of sorts. I never thought of myself as being privileged because I had the ability to spend my days with my daughter while my boyfriend worked and my parents and siblings were at school. I never realized how lucky I was to be able to enjoy her by myself for hours every single day, or how many places I could take her and how many things I could teach her, even though I didn't have a driver's license or a car (which I worried and fretted about at all times, thinking of myself as a loser).
Then today, something inside me just clicked. I was changing Lucy's diaper and I realized that we had all day to do whatever we wanted, and that spending time with her could actually be the best part of my day. So I grabbed my daughter, a book, and her bottle and headed outside. We sat on the porch and I read to her from the book I was reading, which wasn't really meant for children, but which she seemed to enjoy. I realized that just because I don't always read her children's books doesn't mean she can't learn from being read to, and it doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy the sound of my voice. Then, as I was feeding her and holding her hand and kissing her while she giggled and sucked on her bottle, I realized that feeding my daughter wasn't a chore, but a beautiful, moment where I could sit and bond with her. We took lots of breaks feeding at lunch today to kiss and cuddle and giggle, and it was absolutely wonderful. We played in the leaves, played airplane in the yard, and introduced ourselves to our mailman. It was wonderful, and we only went back inside when she was sleepy.
It was so great today to finally realize that even though I don't get to do some of things I wanted to do before I became pregnant, there are so many opportunities that I wouldn't have had if it weren't for Lucy. For instance, I never would have gotten to show her the purple flowers that grow in the front yard, or teach her how wonderful it is to snap dead leaves between your fingers. I never would have gotten to sit and play patty cake with her for fifteen minutes, or practice counting forward and backward from ten until we both got bored. I realized that making life wonderful and magical for my daughter could teach me to make life wonderful and magical for myself for the first time in a long time. From now on I am going to play with my daughter outside and not worry about how I look. I'm not going to worry about the stretch marks or the extra weight I'm carrying around now. I'm not going to get defensive about my choice to formula feed, and I'm not going to feel terrible for having my daughter so young.
I am her only mother, and she is my only child. We love one another and I realized, finally, that nothing else really matters. No one else's opinions of the way I parent or the way I look should bother me. She is proud of me and adores me, and when I look back on our early life together, that's all I'm going to remember.
I'm so glad your having a good day!! That is awsome! Your little girl is very lucky to have a strong momma like you! ANd you are absolutly right about not caring how you look, how someone else sees you and not having to defend the choices that you have made. They are YOUR choices that you made in the best intrest of you and your daughter! I hope that everyday is like this and you continue to enjoy being a mother and teaching you little girl everything you know ( and some things you might not! ) :D
have any of you other mamas ever had an "aha!" moment like the one i had today? if so, i'd really like to hear about it.
What a beautiful post. Every now and then I'll be in the middle of an interaction with Cae and have a click. The other day I was trying to get him to sleep in a hurry so I could work. I kept laying him down, and getting frustrated when he cried. I even left the room to let him CIO (I figured if it really works like his dad says I could try it.) I got about four feet down the hall when it clicked. This wasn't how I wanted to spend bed time. I went back in, apologised and preceded to read a silly book. By the end of the third book he was out. Much quicker and happier than he would have been had I let him CIO. I leaned over and kissed him and told him I loved him and cuddled for half an hour with his sleepiness, then left to get my work done.
I haven't had my little one yet. But i feel like i'm in that fog that you were talking about right now. I feel like i have been choking on it since about 7 months. I don't have a car, my own money ( not yet anyway just started a new job ) no life outside of making jeremy dinner, doing laundry, watching tv and being pregnant. I HATE it! I am really hoping and "praying" for an 'ah ha' moment! But it just hasn't happened yet.
i always worried that everyone was wrong and that if you didn't bond with your baby immediately, you never would.
i promise that's not true.
My daughter is going to be 2 months and I just had that ah ha moment a couple weeks ago. I looked at her sleeping in my arms and I knew she was real. That one day this tiny baby was going to look in my eyes and call me mommy. That This tiny creature I had created was actually mine. It was amazing and so scary. She is the most precious thing to me in the entire world. All of a sudden I started crying because now that she was actually here, it scared me to think about all the horrible things in the world that could break her heart or harm her in any way. and I want to always be the one to save her. Its amazing how much love you can have for one person, but its possible when your a mommy.
My daughter is going to be 2 months and I just had that ah ha moment a couple weeks ago. I looked at her sleeping in my arms and I knew she was real. That one day this tiny baby was going to look in my eyes and call me mommy. That This tiny creature I had created was actually mine. It was amazing and so scary. She is the most precious thing to me in the entire world. All of a sudden I started crying because now that she was actually here, it scared me to think about all the horrible things in the world that could break her heart or harm her in any way. and I want to always be the one to save her. Its amazing how much love you can have for one person, but its possible when your a mommy.
wow
i just wanted to say...that was really beautiful.
For the first year of Eric's life, I did a lot of drugs (mostly meth). I wasn't ready to give up my pre-baby party life, so I didn't. I didn't feel like a mom really, I just felt like a girl with a kid. It felt weird for me to call him my son, honestly I had a hard time saying I have a son, my son's name is Eric, what have you. I really very rarely talked about him to my friends unless he was around. Then a few things happened over the summer that made me completely change. First of all, I started to do less drugs because it was making me sick, and I left bd for two months over the summer who was a huge stress problem. I spent some more time with Eric over the summer, and he started to get more of a personality than just being a baby, if that makes any sense. Then right after his birthday I got clean, mainly because of bd actually. We hadn't seen eachother all summer so when we got back together for like, a week, we had a little party and did meth at the party. It was a horrible time, and pretty much bd ended up stealing my car and I was late picking Eric up from daycare and got in big trouble. For some reason that one action above all other things made me realize what a fucked up drug that meth is and I havent done it since. I think that was a big part of me feeling like a mom, because I don't think its possible to be there for your kids and be messed up on drugs all the time, even though at the time I told myself that it was ok. It took a while, but now I don't stutter when I say I have a son named Eric and I really enjoy spending time with him, talking about him and just him in general. And really above all else, I started to care and that is the most important thing I think.
Reading back on that, it makes me feel really bad. I don't remember a lot from last year, especially around this time last year and it is kind of hard when someone asks me when he did something and I honestly can't remember. I just feel bad that I was such an irresponsible person for so much longer than I should have been. But I guess you can only go forward not back so there is really no point in dwelling on it.
Well sorry to bring done the tone on this thread... but yeah there is my story.
i think it's such a great thing that you shared your story, because i don't think any woman has had a totally rosy first year with their children. i mean, it's HARD.
i had a friend tell me the other day that if she had a baby, she would just be too blissed out to ever complain or have a bad day. and i had to tell her, that just proves you don't have one.
all my friends without kids say they don't understand why I don't want more. I'm like, call me when you have a kid then we'll talk
Zoe and I didn't bond until she was three or four months old. I remember it like it was yesterday.
We were lying in bed together and I looked over at her and stuck my tounge out. She made eye contact with me and stuck her tounge out back! It was the most exciting thing ever! We sat and stuck our tounges out at each other again and again!
We used to put Zoe to sleep reading radical feminist theory, midevil french literature, political theory, etc. I always tell parents who are buying books for babies that it doesn't matter what you get them. As long as you're sitting with them and reading, that's what counts. They aren't able to process anything at this age, so you might as well read something YOU enjoy -- trust me, there are plenty of years ahead reading things you don't enjoy so much!
I'm so glad that you had that moment with her! You should totally write a longer essay about it -- it was beautifully written!
As a mom to a three week old, I appreciate this post sooo much. We've had so many complications since Gavin's birth and I definitely am in that big fog of feedings and diaper changes. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what I'm looking forward to - are my favorite times the nights, when I can get sleep? No, because it's sooo hard to wake up after only a couple hours each time! But are they the day, when I can get things done? No, because I'm so tired!!!
I feel like I'm just waiting for the complications to end so that our relationship can be what it's supposed to be, just mama & baby with no interference.
Thanks for the post :)
i didnt feel instantly bonded w/ my daughter,either. it was more of a gradual process ,i cant think of the moment that it just "clicked". every once in a while i'll be talking to her & it just trips me out,im like "whoa,this is my DAUGHTER im talking to. she grew inside of me,i pushed her out of me.and now shes walking around and talking and making a mess". its really weird how those thought will just pop out of nowhere.
i think it took a few months til i really felt bonded w/my daughter,and really felt like a mother.
Ya know what? I have to have that moment over and over again. I get so sick of hearing her whine, I totally resent her sometimes. And then, all of a sudden, the AHA moment comes. I forget just how tired I am and suddenly I want to show her the world. I can't believe I created her. I feel so lucky. I regret the times I've missed already from being in the hospital. My sister would walk in with her tiny little body in her arms and hand her to me. I didn't even want to hold her. I was so tired, and she smelled like formula and it made me nauseous. That makes me cry. Because last night I had one of those aha's. I was holding her and it just hit me. she's getting so big. I didn't even want her dad to come because I didn't want to let go of her. Right now she's sitting on my lap trying to "help" m e type. yep she just hit the spacebar!! I think back a few months and she didn't even realize there was a keyboard or that I had fingers at all. she's growing so fast and I have so much I want to show her.
Your post was a great reminder, because this morning I had already forgotten about last night. You got me thinking! I'm gonna go right now and do something fun with her!
Yah quelyn, I agree with you..
There are times when I love my son so much its scary, and then theres times, when all he does is whine and fuss, that I just want to rip my hair out......
This was a beautiful post !! almost made me cry :oops: I think most of us have had a moment like this , where all of the sudden you feel that special bond that mother and baby feel..before I had my son I had no clue how strong that bond really was..It's amazing ! Everytime he does something new I just want to cry of how proud I am!...I agree in the beginning I went through that fog stage too , even though he was 2 months when he came home from the hospital.. but as time passes I feel even closer to him ..Thanks for that post !
it really helps me to have posted this here because i can come back and look at it and remind myself when she's crying and fussy how much i really do love her, and how as soon as she stops crying and smiles at me, i'll totally forget the tears. it's also served as a reminder to me that even when it's difficult to get her to leave the house, going out for a while, even just into the front yard, can make us both feel so much better, and can really relieve a lot of that new mom claustrophobia.
I sure didn't feel like I bonded with Lyric when she was born right away. And mostly it was because of some shit I was going through with BD... and how stressed out I was with him and things going on with my family. It was REALLY weird to say/think that I WAS A MOM and I HAD A DAUGHTER. Especially when so many ppl would say, "How old are you...?" and "where's the dad, you're not married...?", etc. It was a more gradual bond then anything else for me, too.
I do get frustrated with everything sometimes - being a parent. But it sure has made my grow as a person. I want to do more for the world - the earth, humanity... and I am so much more aware of political things going on and I think Lyric is a huge reason why I am so inovlved... mostly because I don't want her growing up w/o abortion as a choice, growing up with polluted air and water...
It is fun to educate her on these things, too - I want her to grow up aware of what SHE can do to make a difference and what SHE can help as a woman.
thats how I felt exactly, except change daughter with son.