Single Moms: How we got here and how we can help you

aww rosie you made me cry (hey BCPR here a reason to cry lol)... I so want to get out of this. I so am UNHAPPY. I feel like I am sitting in a room SCREAMING and no one is listening. He doesn't hit me or yell at me. He doesn't really treat me badly. I am just plain ol unhappy. Unhappy with my role as a wife and nothing more really. But like your post said I am so scared of being a single mama. I am scared of hurting him and messing up what everyone thinks should work. I debate this subject every single day of what I should do... Should I stay and making things "work" just for my family and what everyone thinks should happen or should I leave and find out what makes me happy??? I have heard so many mamas on here say well he hits me but its not that bad or hes hurt me before but its been awhile so things are better and I am like wtf am I complaining about??? Hes not hitting me or hurting me. For me to leave I have to wonder where would I go? How could I support myself and my son? Joint custody??? Would his mom make him go for full custody??? Could I survive on my own?? Can I find what makes me happy??? Ughhh... well I am sure there are other mamas that need this help more then me so let us here it mamas... I'd be willing to help anyone...

this topic is such a good idea. i totally hear you rosie, i feel much the same way about all this. i'm even going to make this a sticky, we need to get the word out. my story on becoming a single mom seems so typical, but it still almost crushed me. i met bd when i was in the midst of my bad drugs and party days, and he seemed so awesome. he was fun, we had the same sense of humor, and he was the perfect party pal. when i found out i was pregnant, while i was kind of embarassed at how little i actually knew about him, i was ready to make a family with him. i didn't realize how much i was forcing myself into something i didn't want until years later. we moved in together early in my pregnancy, and things went downhill quickly. when i couldn't be his buddy in doing drugs, he really had no use for me. i worked so, so hard at trying to play house with him, be his little woman, make him into a father, while desperately trying to make a home for our coming baby. my pregnancy days were just awful. i was so lonely, and so disappointed that he cared more about doing drugs than he did about becoming that supportive father i wanted him to be, that i cried on a daily basis. as pregnancy slowly took over my body, he became extremely jealous of my new physical state and quickly became abusive. soon the shouting turned into hitting and pushing, the awkward sexual nature between us turned into rape, the threats of breaking up turned into him throwing me down the stairs and out the door, into the cold. sometimes i wished i would just miscarry, during the times when he really beat me bad, but the fact that i stayed pregnant, to me at that time, meant i was supposed to keep trying, trying to somehow make us a family. he wasn't there when noah was born, he was sleeping off his latest high. he didn't take me to the hospital, or visit me that much while we were there. the first night we were home, he raped me, and when i cried over how much it hurt, and then left the room to go breastfeed the baby i had no idea how to take care of, he packed all my and the baby's things into garbage bags and threw it all outside. we left, but, that dream of a perfect life, where it would all work out, sucked me back in when he apologized. instead of getting better though, things got much worse. i can't put into words what it is like to be an abused woman, the hurt is too much. just like when i was pregnant, during noah's infancy i was all alone. he did not support me at all in taking care of the baby, and often told me he hated him. hated him for "ruining me," since i stopped partying. i was crushed that he couldn't see what a beautiful baby we had, i felt like there was something wrong with me that i couldn't get my man to love me for real, and yet it still seemed like i was thisclose to actually attaining that perfect family life i dreamt about so much. we finally did get out, after a particularly bad night when he went overboard with the beatings, and a neighbor heard. the police came, i went to the hospital with broken ribs and internal injuries, and came home afterwards to an empty home filled with ghosts of a life i wanted so badly. i see now that he was awful all along, that i would have been so much better on my own, but at the time, i was just desperate to be a "real family," with mom, dad, and kid. becoming a single mom shamed me, i saw it as my biggest failure in life. i grew up knowing nothing but 2 parent families, who managed to make it despite hard times. that i couldn't "keep my family together" meant, to me at that time, that i was somehow less of a woman, less of a mother. unless you have been there, you couldn't understand how humiliating, humbling, and awful that feels, but let me tell ya, it nearly broke me. in the months following the abuse, i found girlmom, found some good friends in real life, and started being vocal about domestic violence, and the importance of not ever settling. the importance of recognizing yourself as a beautiful, capable, and independant woman. because we all CAN do this, it might be harder at times, but our safety and happiness always comes before trying to live through a fantasy. i was confident, self assured, and proud to be a single mom. but ya know what? the pressure to be a nuclear family (which isn't even the norm, despite what the media tells us), got to me again. i started seeing someone and becoming serious with him. he liked my kid, he liked me, i figured he must be fabulous. i ignored people when they told me they didn't like him, or that i could do better, or that he would do nothing but bring me down. because, lo and behold, i had finally, finally "found a man." THIS one was gonna love me. this one was gonna treat me right, and be there for me, and support me as a mother, and love my child, and do all the other "father" things i imagined my and my son's lives were lacking without him. but the thing is, i was and am still better off on my own. i forced a marriage ideal on our relationship, because the idea that i would be free of the shame of being a single mom was just too much to turn down. as the days went by, i ignored how lonely i was feeling in my ideals, i ignored that he disrespected me, mocked my beliefs and morals, and didn't really even pay much attention to my kid. because, he was THERE. a warm body next to me at night, a buddy for my kid to play legos with. just like with bd, i felt my soul shift away from my actions. my heart just wasn't in it, i knew he wasn't the right one, but for a year, i stayed. it finally got to the point where his mean "teasing" (like pulling my hair, yanking my arm, pushing me to get my attention, etc) turned violent. yet again, the police had to come. yet again, it all came crashing down. i will never, ever forget the image of the cops standing outside my bedroom door, talking to him, telling him they were going to break the door down if he didn't let them in. the stress, the embarassment, the shame of being a "battered woman" (or, as the myths say, one who couldn't please her man the right way), it was all so much. then the other door opened, and noah stood framed in the doorway. looking so small, his hair all rumpled, clutching his "blankie" and rubbing his eyes. i never got over how bad it felt to "take his dad" away, even though it was in his best interest, but that was all made so much worse when he was exposed to domestic violence anyways. i hurt him, i created a lot of stress and new changes and hard times in our life, just because i wanted some sort of fairytale family life that was just not gonna happen. i am so ashamed of myself, as a mother, i should have better judgement, and be more protective, and be able to stop these things from happening. woah, long story huh. its just hard not to talk at length about this, when i know EXACTLY how much unhappily partnered women are rationalizing and justifying what their partner is doing to them. i feel like if i say a lot, and lay it all down on the table, they'll see that they aren't alone. other people have felt the way they do, and have been able to make positive changes. i realize now that noah and i are just fine on our own. we have been a "real family" all along. even when i doubted myself, and my abilities to be a good mom on my own, all along i could have done just fine. it gets hard some days, sometimes i wish i had some sort of token husband just to help me make supper or clean the damn toys or discipline a toddler with too much attitude. but you are never handed challenges in life that you aren't equipped to deal with. heh, someone told me that, and while i occasionally pout and say its not true, life seems to prove itself to be just that simple. it is possible, to pick up the pieces when it all comes crashing down. the bad days never last forever. your child will not hate you for being a single mom, and i can bet they will actually admire you for being so strong, and thank you for having their best interest at heart. if you are unhappy, it won't get better. if you are not supported now, you likely never will be (unless you can afford really good therapy and spend a lot of time working together on your issues, which is likely not gonna happen anyways). if you sometimes wonder if it would just be better if you left, stop wondering and leave. it IS better when you face life honestly and without any fairytales clouding your vision, it is better when you trust yourself to be strong, and it is better when you demand the right to a happy life. i am a single mom, and i am no longer ashamed of that. i might have nearly died trying to attain a false ideal, but for the rest of my life i will live in freedom, independance, and strength. at first it was really, really hard to see the validity in being a single mom, and during those days i kept myself going by telling myself that i would be one strong grrl if i made it through. if i kept going, moving forwards, and moving on. and ya know what? i was right.

I met BD through 'friends'. I had actually heard a lot about him going through high school, he ran in a circle that some of my friends did, but we never actually crossed paths until high school was over. I don't think i had ever heard good things about him. When i met him 2 years later, he was a charming guy... we hit it off really quickly, and within 2 weeks of just knowing eachother, we moved in together. He told me all about his fucked up childhood, and living in and out of shelters for the past 5 or so years... and i guess i wanted to help him change all that. We lived with my mom for 2 months, and then got our own apartment, i was making enough money to carry us, and that's what i did. He worked on and off, and we spent most of our time getting high and having sex. Sometimes it was protected, sometimes not. On the pill i felt secure enough to go without condoms... and 5 months later, i became pregnant. I wish i still had my journal from then, it was such a hard time for me... for a bunch of reasons, i decided i wanted to continue the pregnancy. How or why i thought i could keep it all together, was awfully bold and courageous of me. I did at the time, give him an ultimatum as to whether he wanted to be involved, and of course he stayed, he had nowhere else to go. In the months that followed, nothing changed for him. His belly didn't swell, he wasn't beyond tiredness all the time, nor was he puking up the majority of his meals. He pretended to understand, and be supportive, but he was still going out every week, despite the fact that we were perpetually broke, and he was still blowing 40 bucks a week on drugs... And I covered for him. I was the one who paid the rent, and took out the garbage down the rickety fire escape, and did the dishes, and became the good little housewife. Things during those months were SO lonely. BD wasn't interested in the pregnancy. I was just 'there' a ghost and shadow of my former self... I wanted to involve him and tried desperately to make him see how great having a baby could be. I begged him to take photos of my swollen belly, and he flat out refused... he couldn't understand why i would want to remember that. So one evening, while home alone, i snapped one lonely snapshot in our bathroom mirror, of my 7-month pregnant belly. Looking at the photo makes me want to sob uncontrollably sometimes. After Aaron was born he became hugely resentful towards me for 'ruining his life', and was intensely jealous of aaron. I endured 8 months of nonstop struggle, trying to keep 'the family' together, because i too had this picture of us having a happy little family. I tried to play nice and work extra hard so that we could live up to the picture of what i thought our happy little family should be. Aaron was 8 months old when i kicked him out. I couldn't endure the manipulation and the emotional torture anymore... Things did not stop there, mind you. Three years later i am STILL dealing with him, still trying to make him understand what kind of role he should be defining for himself. He still refuses to listen and can't be trusted alone with aaron... and i still struggle. But the struggles now are different, they aren't so focused on keeping a family together that never existed. Now i'm focused on survival. there is a toddler yanking me away from the computer... perhaps there will be more to come later... good thread btw, rosie!

this is such a good topic rosie, thank you for starting it. i got pregnant about 3 months into a relationship with a guy i barely knew and for whatever reason decided to continue the pregnancy. thakfully i had the sense not to just marry him as many suggested but we moved in together and tried to be the happy little couple. he was excited about the coming baby which was good but i don't think he was thrilled with me. he criticized me for so so many things. the way i did the dishes, the fact that my skin broke out horribly while i was pregnant, and after i had noah, the fact that i didn't lose the weight immediately. from the outside people thought we were sp happy and it wasn't like he hit me or anything so i figured this was just how it was supposed to be or something. after i had noah i pretty much shut down without realizing it. i never ever wanted to have sex with him and the few times we did it was pretty much him badgering me into it. i did to get him to be quiet about it. i spent the next year and half waking up in the middle of the night and going in the other room to cry for an hour before i could sleep again. or i would get in the car with noah when i had free time and drive around and cry. i hadn't found girlmom or hipmama yet but i did meet a neighbor who was about 20 years older than me who had recently moved to town with her 4-yo daughter she had adopted from the ukraine as her own marriage was falling apart. she was doing this parenting gig completely on her own and doing it well, albeit struggling. seeing that flipped a switch in my head. at my mother's suggestion we tried counseling but deep down i knew that it didn't matter and that this wasn't going to work. when noah was 1.5 we were moving back in with my mom,we went on a date for valentine's day and the next morning i asked him to leave. just like that. i had to follow my gut because i knew it wasn't going to work. when it happened i didn't even really have a "good reason" other than my extreme unhappiness. sure he was critica of me but to this day i wonder if i could have tried harder. we have figured out a pretty fair deal with splitting custody and i am lucky enough that he is someone i can trust to hold up his end of the deal. he will forever be in my life as noah's dad, and he is pretty good one at that but that was not enough for me to stay with him. i needed my own happiness to and i wasn't going to sacrifice it so that noah could have this "perfect nuclear faimly". now noah has 2 places to call home and he isn't in a house where his parents are constantly screaming at wachother. hell, we even occasionally have breakfast together. leaving is hard, i know that i always felt guilty because i didn't have that "good reason" but being happy is reason enough.

I'm not a single mom, but I wanted to take a second to applaud Rosie for making this thread, it's a GREAT idea.

Good thread Rosie! I jumped into a relationship with BD immediatly after he helped me kick my abuisve ex out of my apartment. I was so madly in love, I thought I had found the man of my dreams. Two months later we broke up, but were still living together. Two months after that we got back together and I got pregnant. I decided to keep the baby because I thought it would make us happy, we could be this little family together and it would be GREAT!!!!!! He told me when I was throwing up from morning sickness that I was faking it for attention. He told me that I was a bitch and that I drove him nuts. He told me that I was a baby when I cried, and would mock me saying "cry baby, cry baby". We moved to a neighboring city, and made plans to get married. I didn't have a car and didn't know anyone. He wasn't working, so I had to work fourty hours a week to support the two of us. He would sit around the apartment all day, not cleaning or anything, just watching t.v. and yell at me that I didn't make dinner right, or I hadn't done the laundry, or that the dishes weren't done. I was isolated from all my friends, my family. We didn't have a phone, so any time I wanted to make a phone call, I had to walk a block to the pay phone to use it. He had stopped touching me at this point. Wouldn't give me a hug and told me I was being to clingly if I asked for one. He wouldn't have sex with me, or do anything with me, so I was completly alone by now. At this point I was 8 months pregnant, and we were two weeks away from the wedding. I rolled over one morning, and looked at him, hair messed up, drooling in his sleep, and thought "Oh, god, I have to wake up to this for the rest of my life." Then I thought, "No I don't!" I ran and got dressed, booked it out the door as quicly as my pregnant body would let me. I ran down to the pay phone next to the burger king and asked my dad to come pick me up. He did, I was crying. I said, I can't marry him. I moved in with my parents the next week. Joe, as a result of not having a job and being dependent on me, was homeless. This was one of the big reasons I didn't call it off before- he had no where to go and I felt responsible for that. But, something valuable I have learned is that he had choices to make there. He could have found a job, he could have found places to stay and he didn't. His choices, his life, is not my responsiblilty. That's the biggest lesson that I have learned from all of this. I am NOT responsible for other peoples choices. People will recover from being homeless- and if not, it's THEIR responsiblility. There are many resources out there and if someone chooses to not take advantage of them, there's only so much you can do.

SINGLE MOMS ROCK!!! I am one by choice! I was with bd all thru pregnanacy and till austin was five months old. He is abusive , has a drinking problem and is just a general all around ass most of the time. When i just couldnt take doing EVERY-FRIGGIN-THING in terms of caring for austin and the house and bills and anything else that came up. I kicked HIM out. My family friends whatever all were like " why did he leave?" They couldnt get that it was my choice to be single and i wasnt going to stay with someone just because i was afraid of being alone. It is great! I have tons of time with my son and now when i need momma time i can take austin to his dads house. If austin father wants to be a fuck-up and get a DUI and lose his license and get fired and take a job thats pays way less thats all on him. I am a single mom and i am happy!

You mama's all ROCK!!! Thank you for all your encouraging stories. I can feel myself get stronger in my choice with each one. My BD started out as a great guy. Listened to me, took me out to eat, sat around and watched tv with me, etc. We were together about 5 months and he moved into my apartment. I'm not sure how long after that he started hitting me. But, in my eyes, he was still this great caring man. We rented a house together and he proposed. I accepted, crying the whole time. I was SO happy! Then things really started getting bad. He quit his job and then pretty much forced me to quit mine. We had no money and he didn't want either of us to work. He felt "physically ill" to be apart from me for that long. Anyways, our parents ended up paying for our small wedding. I found out I was pregnant 2 wks before the wedding. That just made me want to marry him more. He was still hitting me now and then, but only left minor bruises. We moved again to a smaller town. My sex drive was going down as my pregnancy went on, but he still wanted sex 1-3 times a day. So, I felt I had to "help him out." One day he hit me and I left. I was about 5 months pregnant. I knew no one and had no where to go. I went down the street and got a job at a local restaurant and then went to the local Walmart and wandered around. I eventually headed home since I didn't know what else to do. A cop picked me up and said that BD had called and said I was missing. The cop asked if BD had hit me or anything like that otherwise he would just drive me home. I wish I had said yes, but I wasn't strong enough. I said no, and I went home. Things were slightly better after my daughter was born. He really took an interest in her. He decided that I wouldn't breast-feed b/c he didn't want my breasts to be saggy. And I agreed with him. I'm the one who took care of our daughter. Soon it got to the point where he didn't want her around unless she was being fed. Even then, he often didn't want her in the same room as him. He ignored her. The beatings started getting really bad. He threw me to the floor and broke my wrist. I had to wait a week for my bruises to heal before I was allowed to go to the doctor. He constantly accused me of cheating on him. He would beat me and tell me to admit it. I had never cheated on him so I refused to admit it. It just enraged him more. He would claim he had people watching me and to have video tapes and pictures of me having sex with other men. He refused to show me the "evidence." We moved again when my daughter was 7 months old to a town where he knew a few people and I knew no one. He wouldn't let me talk to anybody. If there was a guy on the side of the street he said that i was looking at him and found him attractive. Usually I had no idea who he was even talking about. He would make extravagant lists of things I would need to do like have a threesome with a girl and ask him for sex every hour and not have 5 minutes pass without us having a meaningul, thought-provoking discussion. And these are not stretches of the imagination...these are the exact demands he made upon me every day. I felt alone and wanted to cry. I was not "allowed" to cry or "allowed" to be sick even. I often thought about ending my own life. But then I would think of my daughter and couldn't stand the thought of her living without her mommy. One night he wanted his supper done in 2 minutes "or else." I ran from the house, got in the car, and went to the cops. He was arrested and my daughter was handed over to me. We are now staying with my parents. I'm working a p/t job and trying to get a 2nd one so that we can get our own place, get a car, and be happy. After getting out of there I feel so strong and my daughter is doing a lot better too. I feel that I can accomplish anything. I never imagined myself being a single mother and tried so hard not to be. All I did though was hurt myself and my daughter. I am so happy to be a single mother!

I was with my BD when I just started high school. I met him in science class we were assigned lab partners. I thought hw was so cool and very hot. He looked like leonardo dicaprio. Then I met some new friends only to see that he hung out with the same people, 2 weeks after the school year began we started to talk and get to know each other. He was in 11th grade and I was in 9th grade. We had alot in common. We started dating and spent every second together. My parents hated him from the beginning told me to stay away from him. I didn't listen and saw him anyway. Then about 4 months into the realtionship the emotional and verbale abuse started. He yelled and swore at me claiming I was cheating on him. Then we had sex for the first time and I got pregnant, I was 15 by then just finished my freshman year of high school. I was terified to tell him so I waited 3 and half months to tell him and when I did he kicked me in the stomach and told me the baby wasn't his. I miscarried and I still stayed with him after that. Ober the next 3 years the abuse continued and I graduated from high school. 3 months after I graduated I became pregnant again and I was 18 he was 20. I told him that I was pregnant he said this baby wasn't his but he didn't kick me in the stomach he dumped me. I didn't hear from him till I was in labor at the hospital, my mom called him to see the birth of his daughter. I was beyond pissed I wanted him out of their but no one ordered him out. I had Cheyanne he still said she wasn't his even though she looked just like him. I filed for DNA testing and she was his then I went for child support I got that. He stilled didn't want any interaction with his daughter. Last Dec. I was served with custody papers. I went to court and I won. So I am a single mother and now I see I should have gotten out of that relationship a long time but I'm thankful I have my daughter if it wasn't for my daughter I would be dead by now if I stayed with him.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. Hearing such positive bashing the negative sterotypes will help mamas (myself included) get out of bad relationships.

JUST REMEMBER MOMMAS! 1. you are strong 2. you dont have to define yourself by a man 3. you cannot change him 4. your child will not "suffer" if you cannot provide a nuclear family. 5. take care of yourself. you deserve it. 8)

OMG rosie,we mamas needed this,all of us,single or not single. this has made me cry so much,to know that all u wonderful women have been through,to know what i have been through...it just mad eme bawl.im glad my kids are asleep,but thank you so much rosie! all u single mamas do rock and you ARE awesome.ill post up in a little bit bout my experience as a recent new single mom...

My storie starts out like this. I am a single mother, although my son is not even born yet. The pain I have been through has caused me to make this decision not for myself but for the sake of my unborn son. My boyfriend was wonderful he took me out all of the time, bought me things and took care of me...in the beginning. I loved him and all I wanted to do was please him. He was a dj in a strip club and I was a dancer, we met and got into drugs and that is what made us in the beginning. our relationship was wonderful we partied and hung out all the time and I was a hundred and ten pounds so what more could he want. I was beautiful to him. I had never been beautiful to anyone before. No man had ever made me feel this way about myself before. About 5 months into our relationship I found out that I was pregnant. He took this very well for now. It was like he was jealous, jealous of this unborn child who was changing me. he stopped having sex with me. he even went as far as to tell me that I was getting fat and that no man would want a fat wife or a fat women with a baby. and that he wasnt going to be with me if i looked this way. I only weighed 140 and im 5'8. I should have known to get out but it was like I had lost my sense of Identity. I didnt know who I was I had stopped wearing makeup because he thought i was trying to impress other men. he was never physically abusive to me but abuse is abuse. I wasnt lisa anymore I was someone I had no sense of self within. He broke me down and made me think that everything I did was wrong or not how it was suppose to be done. I was ashamed to be pregnant. I apologized to my unborn son over and over again because I couldnt get out of that vicious cycle.He never wanted to feel the baby move and he didnt even want to help me set up the babys things for his arrival. I was so hurt that he didnt want to be a part of his sons life but I still did not leave I stayed because I thought that it was unfair to take my sons father away. He told me I was a baby when I cried and that i needed to grow up. I couldnt get out I stayed because i was so afraid of the unfamiliar. I was afraid of not being able to provide for my son. I went into labor on june 17th 2004 and the doctors wanted to stop it. He didnt come to the hospital and was mad that i had called my mother to come to the hospital because he didnt want her to have anything to do with me or the baby. he isolated me from my family and friends I had no one. he wanted me to go through labor alone. when he did pick me up from the hospital all he did was yell at me when i was in the car we went home and i got in the bed and cried while he made dinner for him and his two other children he didnt make me anything and then left the dishes for me to do. I felt so alone so ashamed to be bringing this child into the world thats when i told him to leave. I told him that i wasnt going to take it anymore and that his son wouldnt either. Well he left. I am so proud of myself I want him to know that i can make it on my own. I want to show him that I dont need him. it is hard for me everyday to miss him and i do but i tell myself over and over again that my child deserves better and somehow jayden michael rodgers helps me to see the way that love is suppose to be. I do love someone and that is my son and that will be the only man i love for a long time. I praise all of you girls for being so strong its so hard to find yourself all over again. My son is not born yet but i am in the beginning stages of labor right now so he should be here soon I cant wait to see him and to tell him how much I love him. I know that we will be just fine. I know that you girls will be fine too. Lisa

when i got pregnant everyone tried to tell me that my life was over, that i might as well go ahead and marry BD. but girls, listen to me, that is so NOT true. just becuase you have a child with someone does not mean you have to have a life with them. my bd did nothing wrong, had a good job, wanted to take care of me and riely, but i knew that i did not want to be with him. had i not gotten pregnatn, he would of been long gone out of my life. so please, dont feel like you all have to make some kind of family with somone just beucase you have thier child. i want to be happy in life, and that meant doing it on my own. it was one of the smartest decision i have ever made for myslef.

This is a good thread. I'll tell my story... First of all I don't want to get married, ever. And luckily my family is very supportive. They saw no reason to pressure me to fix an accident with a mistake like getting married. Bd and I met when we were both heavy into drugs. Then we got arrested together, two weeks after that I got pregnant while he was out of jail and waiting indictment. Getting arrested was the best thing that could have happened to us. I was under 18, I only got probation and it didn't go on my record. He pleaded to a felony but got intensive drug counseling and such and at the end of the program it was erased off his record. He was really good throughout the pregnancy. The best. He would rub my belly when I was sick and that made it feel so good. When the baby came he was working 50 hours a week so I could stay home and still got up with the baby every other day so I could sleep in. He was so excited. I was 18, he was 27. He said he'd always planned on settling down in his late 20s so everything was going according to plan. He was still on probation and taking piss tests 3 x a week. He was talking the talk about not wanting to do drugs and I believed him. And I was doing really good with not wanting to do drugs and I decided that I would never do them again. When he got off of probation we moved and that was probably a mistake. I didn't know anybody in this town. It was super cold and I got depressed and isolated. I also wasn't happy with him anymore. Not because he was abusive or anything. I just wasn't happy. So I left him. Tay was about 1.5. I am SO glad I did. After I left him I stayed with my parents for a little bit. I started school. I got my feet back under me and then moved out. I am so lucky that I left him because I've realized that I wouldn't have been able to do any of the things I'm proud of if I had stayed with him. I wouldn't be doing so kick ass in school. I wouldn't be planning on grad school. I wouldn't have succeeded like I have. Relationships take time and energy, even when they're perfect. That time and energy would have taken me away from school. He wasn't at all interested in improving his life and he would have slowed me down and pulled me back. There would have to be a LOT of love there to make me want to give up all my success. My advice if you feel lukewarm about your partner, LEAVE! Life is too short for lukewarm. IMO Since we've broken up he's gone heavy back into drugs. I realize now that if I hadn't have left him I'd be constantly battling my own drug demons. If we were still together it would be so easy for him to catch me on a weak day and convince me to do "just a little." (which never works for long... a little turns into everyday all day very quickly) I'd rather not be tempted at all. I stay away from it all together. Being a single mom is hard but it's so much easier than trying to scrape and claw your way up with a man AND a kid hanging on your back.

[quote="seyva"] Being a single mom is hard but it's so much easier than trying to scrape and claw your way up with a man AND a kid hanging on your back.[/quote] very well said!!!!!!!same way i feel

Rosie- this is an awsome thread!! And all you mommas are just kick ass!! Well, like a lot of you, my BD and I were into the drugs when we met. We were friends and used to party together for about a year and a half before we started dating. I was always veiwed as just one of the guys and he liked that. Then I got pregnant the first time we slept together. (Halloween 2002) I was on probabtion at the time (LONG story) and was thown in jail the day after my 18th birhtday. Now my periods are VERY regular, they come on the 20th of every month. So when I was late I started to freak out a bit. Then I had this dream about a blonde haired, blue eyed baby boy calling me momma and knew I had to be tested. The nurse had me pee in a cup after dinner and then she left for the night. The next morning while I was folding my bedding she came to me and said, "Do you want to be?" I knew right then that I was, but I had to hear it, so I asked, "Am I?" She nodded yes and then left me alone. I cryed uncontrollably in my cell for about 20 minutes. Then I pulled myself together and went to school. (I was in juvy since I was on Juvenile Porbabtion) That night I had her run the test two more times just to be sure. They were both positive. I was released about a week later, on BD birhtday. I went to his house and told him we needed to talk. He actually thought I was joking. He said, "Yeah right, Tabby! Stop fucking with me!" When he saw that I was seruios he just sat down on his bed and hung his head. He was real good to me for the first 3 months or so. But once I really started to show he became abusive. He'd call me a bitch and a cunt on a regular basis and tell me that I was lucky to have him. And I was so damned scared of being alone that I couldn't bring myself to leave him. When I was about 5 months preg, after being deemed high risk, I found out that he had gotten heavy into the meth. He knew that was the one thing I was dead set against, especially around my child. So I went to his house one weekend and he wanted to go see his little brother that was staying at his dad's friends because his dad and brother's mom were in jail for meth. I agreed to go only because he PROMISED me that we would only be there for an hour or so. When we got there he started smoking his dope right infront of me, practically blowing it my face. I told him I wanted to leave and he told me we had to wait for his uncle to get there so he could take us home. (Josh didn't have a license and I couldn't drive because of the pregnancy) So I sat outside for about three hours waiting for his uncle. It was about 11pm and I was pissed. I told him I wanted to leave right then and he told me to call someone for a ride if I wanted to get away from him that badly. But when I picked up the phone I realized it had been shut off. So I was stranded there until 9am the next morning. When I finally got back up to Josh's he went staight to his shopp to do a few lines. So I called my dad and asked him to come get me. That Wednesday I had a doctor appointment where they informed me that I had toxemia and was producing an excessive amount of embyonic fluid and that I needed to be go on bedrest until Dev was born. So, since Josh refused to go to any of the appointments with me I called him when I got home. I told him what they had told me and he just said, "Well that sucks... Do you think I can call you back later. I'm in the middle of something?" I didn't hear from or see Josh again until I went into pre-term labor at 31 weeks. He came to the hospital and PROMISED he'd stay with me until I was released. But he left about three hours after arriving while I was still in labor. So they finally stopped the labor and I went home late the next day. I went into pre-term labor two more times, but Josh never came to see me. I didn't see or hear from again until the day I was enduced. I had called his mother (she has always been involved) to tell her I was in labor and she brought him to the hospital. He actually had the nerve to show up high off his ass!! I went through 43 hours of labor followed by an emergency c-section and he never once comforted me. He never once asked me how I feeling or if he could get me anything. He never once hled my hand or told me he loved me. He held Devlin once, for less than 10 minutes. I let him stay in the hospital because I thought that maybe seeing his son would make him change. But it didn't. He refused to change Dev's daiper or help me out of bed. And like a fool, I let him come home with me. Only I had had to move back in with my parents since I couldn't work during my pregnancy and it made him very uncomfortable which only made things worse. He never helped me at my house either and left 2 days later without even telling me. Then he shows back up at my house later that week about an hour before I went to bed and just sat and pouted on my couch until he followed me up to bed. I, of course, made him sleep on the floor. The next morning my family was taking my grandma white water rafting and I had a mutual friend coming over to help me out. But before she could even get there we got into it. He refused to even acknowledge me and of course wouldn't help. So I told him that if he wasn't going to help me then there was no point in him being there. He got pissed and shoved me into the wall on his way up the stairs to get his stuff. I followed him up and told him that I had had it, that I wasn't going to take his shit anymore. And that I will NOT allow ANYONE to disrespect me in my own home. He then called me a worthless cunt and told me I was the worse mother he'd ever seen! So I kicked him out and haven't heard from or seen him since. Being a single mom is hard, I'm not going to lie about that. And yeah, there are days when I feel like I just can't do it anymore. But before you know it that little one looks up at you with those beathtaking eyes and that unforgetable smile and your heart just melts. Being a mother is the most incredible experience and I absolutley [i]love [/i]every minute of it! And my son and I ARE a family, no matter what BD or his family says. We are a happy, loving, devoted family; and we are much better off with that piece of shit BD draggin' us down! I think Seyva said it the best: "Being a single mom is hard, but it's a lot easier than trying to scrape and claw your way up with a baby AND a man on your back!" But all of you soon-to-be mommies, new moomies, and mommies dealing with assholes, please don't ever sell yourself short. You CAN do this, with or without your BD. When I got pregnant nearly everyone I knew (excluding my parents) told me that I couldn't do it I that I should give Dev up for adoption before I ruined his life too. But that's not true! i am doing it! I am working two jobs, going to school and raising Dev on my own. And if I can do it, so can any of you! You don't need a man to be complete. All you need is you! (sorry about the long post. I've never told that story with such detail before. It feels good to get it out)

Rosie, this is such an awesome thread. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you who are sharing your experiences. It makes me so mad to see how you all have been treated by your bd's. Some of your stories made me cry, but I am glad to say that I know you all (well in some sort of way..). I too am a single mama, but I don't have to deal with baby daddy drama. I was raped and conceived my son, so my story is way different. And I am raising my son with 2 other people who care for him deeply, so I have alot of help.(He doesn't even live with me at the moment, but will soon.) I just wanted to say, ya'll are strong women, and awesome mama's for doing what was best for you and your children.

im a little late in getting to this thread. i don't get on the computer a lot but i love to come to this site when i do get on. im a single mom and live with my parents. im only 16 and my son will be 1 in 2 weeks. ian's dad never beat me but he was abusive none the less. i met him when i was a freshman. it was the first week of school and i live in a really small town (our hs has only about 750 students)and our jh didn't have lockers. so i didn't really know how to open my locker. so he help me. then one nite me and my friends were at the bowling alley just hanging out and getting drunk. he came up and started talking to me. i didn't even realize he was the one who opened my locker for me but he did. we hung out and talked until we had to leave. the next day he asked me out. i didn't even know him. but he was a junior and one of the most popular guys in school. his best friend was the most popular. see in our school if you aren't popular you are trash and as freshmen they would knock you over and/or trash can you. so i said yes. at first he seemed sweet. we were always together. but i had to hang out with his friends. iwas missing my friends but he said i could just make new ones with the upperclassmen. that he didn't want stupid freshmen hanging out with him. that made me mad b/c i was a freshman and all the older girls hated me. a lot of girls liked critter and here i was just a stupid freshmen who got him. my parents liked him even though they only met him once. we were always at his house. he didn't like mine. in the morning he would meet me at my locker and walk me to all my classes then we'd go to his house after school and about 9 i'd go back home and he'd call me. every day it was like this. i was never on partying but with him it was almost every nite. i got to the point with him where in one nite i would be drunk as hell, stoned as hell and coked out as hell. my parents never said anything and now that i look back on it, i wish they would've. he always seemed so sweet to me but his friends would sit there and call me a slut or cunt. i couldn't understand it. critter would just sit there and laugh with them. if i got offended or started to cry they would get mad and tell critter to *get his bitch under control* at that point he'd yell at me and tell me not to be such a baby. i can remember only one time he ever really hurt me. we were hanging out at his house and i was sitting in the chair reading his court papers (him and a friend got in trouble for credit card fraud. they stole their priest's card and took out like $600) and he got a lighter out and tried to lite my socks on fire. so i hit him over the head (lightly) with the papers. he picked me up and started lecturing me about not hitting *your man* i told him to put me down that instant. so he lifted me higher and then just dropped me. it wasn't so much that it hurt more that it surprised me. i got up smacked him across the face put my shoes on and walked out. then like a month after we started dating he'd accuse me of cheating on him and call me a slut. i didn't say anything didn't even argue. i could of told him i knew he was cheating on me with a good friend of mine but i didn't. i just let him call me names. i loved him and i didn't want him to leave me. i used to come to class crying because that was the only place i had without him. i didn't want him to see how bad i was hurt. we only were going out for about 2 and 1/2 months when i got pregnant. we broke up soon after that. i didn't know i was when we did. he didn't go to school anymore so when i started to think i was i called him to tell him.he called me a liar and said it was nothing. that put me in such denial about my pregnancy that i continued drinking and drugs. if he didn't believe it i didn't either. i was about 3 months pregnant when i stopped doing all that stuff and it finally hit me that i really was pregnant. i was only 14 at the time. we got back together and told his parents but i just couldn't tell mine. we'd spend hours on the phone talking about the baby and how our life was going to be. i finally told my parents when i was 5 1/2 months along. i was scared for my baby that i hurt him. thankfully i didn't. my parents were so mad that they banned critter from having to do anything with ian. they even took advantage of my ignorance to say that because i was a minor, i had to do what they wanted me to with the baby. they thought i couldn't handle parenthood and that they would adopt my son. i was convinced that i would be a great parent. i got talked into giving ian my step-dad's last name. something i've regreted ever since. my mom took maternity leave because she thought that after a couple days i would decide that it was too hard and consent to the adoption. that day has never come. even tho my parents still banned critter i would call him and find ways to see him. i thought we'd get married, that he'd stop drinking and drugs and become the perfect father. we'd be the perfect family. i thought if i can stop doing everthing for our son then so could he. well his habits got worse. he started using speed. we were engaged but he was with another girl everynight. i was devestated. i wanted to talk to my mom about it b/c we are close but i couldn't. i knew that if she or my step dad found out we were seeing each other again they would put a restraining order on him. so i confronted critter about the girls. he said it was alright that they only satisfyed *his need*, that they meant nothing. but if he found i was even TALKING to a guy he'd go up to them and tell them to back the fu*k off. one day i woke up and decided i was going to deal with his crap anymore. i stopped calling him broke all contact with him. i now have a job at subway working part time. i was happy until about a week ago when one of his best friends came in and saw me. so now critter knows where i am. everyday taht i go to work im afraid he'll come in adn try to start something. we have a restraining order against him. but that stuff doesn't matter to him. its ok tho. im 16, i still go to school full time, i have a part time job, and our school has this program called NAVIT where i can start college while still in h.s. next year i start my junior year and my nursing training. im excited. i love life and i love my son more! i know my story isn't all that bad especially compared to some of the stories i've read today, but i do feel better b/c i've gotten a story off my chest that i've wanted to tell forever!

My BD and I had been together for a year, and living together for 6 months before I got pregnant, and it was going great. We were in love and I was happy. When I found out and told BD, he demanded that I get an abortion. I had already thought about all of my options and decided that I wanted to keep the baby, so I refused. He kicked me out that instant even though he knew that I had no where to go. I lived in my car in the parking lot of Super Kmart for about 2 weeks in the middle of December before I finally convinced my mom to let me move back in. My BD and I were still talking, and I was still hopeful that things would work out. He would convince me to come over so we could "talk", but all he really wanted was sex. He would tell me that he was getting this good job, and that he wanted to be with me, and be a part of hte baby's life, and that we were gonna get married. Anything that he could think of to keep me coming back so that he could get his "piece". When I was about 4 or 5 months pregnant, BD decided that I was "too fat to fuck" that the baby wasn't his, and I was a whore not good enough for even a few moments of his time. I was crushed. I spent the next month in denial. I still called him, stopped by, and drove past his house only to have him shoot me down even more. I felt like a failure. Like I was supposed to have this family. I had a huge urge to settle down and get married. I had my daughter on August 8th, 2003. He wasn't there when I delivered, I hadn't even talked to him for 3 months. I was a single mom. I was raising my daughter by myself. I thought about him all the time. I just couldn't get over him. I was so angry at him for doing this to me. For leaving me to do it alone. For not helping me out so that I could actually enjoy my daughter, and enjoy being her mother. Even thought we weren't together, he was still a major part of my life. When Paige was 6 months old, I got kicked out of my mom's house. I ended up living with a friend of mine. I got a job. I got a car. I was doing ok. Then BD's mom started working with me. She wanted to see my daughter. She was convinced that she was BD's no matter what he said, because of pictures I showed her. I brought her over that Saturday, and BD ended up coming home. All of those feelings came rushing back. It is like he has this power over me. No matter what he does, the second I see him again my heart just melts. Well, he held her and played with her, and talked to me. She was 8 months old, and just meeting her father for the first time, but I was convinced that this was how it was supposed to be. Us three together. I ended up moving in with BD and his mom about 2 weeks later. We were sleeping together, sharing a room, he was loving me again. He still wasn't helping with my daughter, but I felt that this was a family. Even through all of this he still denied paternity of my daughter and a date was finally set for collection of DNA. Around that time, he changed. He suddenly started calling me names, wouldn't sleep in the same room as me, and wouldn't even look at my daughter. Once again, my heart was broken. When he was proven to be my daughter's father, the only thing that changed was that we started having sex again. I would wake up in the morning to find that after we had had sex and I had fallen asleep, he had gone downstairs to go to bed on the couch instead of sleeping next to me. He still didn't help me with my daughter, and barely acknowledges her. Last week I moved out. I am moving into my own apartment next week, and starting college in August. I am still a single mother, but i still have this strong urge to settle down. I know that I am still in love with him, and that he still has this power over me. I know that once I am moved in, he will come over "to see paige" and get his hooks into me once again. I know this and I don't know how to stop it. I know that he is no good for me. That he will only hurt both me and my daughter. That he won't be a father to her. That he will never help me out. I know all of this, but I still want to be with him. I still dream about him every night, and think about him every day. I am still a single mama, but I need to know how to let go of this vision I have of "my family". I want it so bad, even though I know that it shouldn't happen. That we will never live happily ever after.

thanks so much to everyone for sharing their stories. I wanted to respond to you, Kim. When I was pregnant and when Dylan was small, I went through something that sounds similar to what you are experiencing. I wanted so so so badly for my son's father and I to be together and be "a family." Particularly when I was pregnant, I thought if I just tried harder, if I just did better, if I just kept having sex with him, he would realize that he loved me and what he would be giving up by not being with me. After Dylan was born, I might have been able to get back with BD, but he was asking too much of me. In order to be with him, I would have to be a certain way, and I couldn't. I couldn't be submissive to him, I couldn't be the woman I was before I got pregnant because I just wasn't her anymore. My son needed a stronger role model than I could be if I was with him. I would never want that kind of life for my mom, so how could I use my son as justification for why we needed to get back together? It would only have made his life worse. I wanted my son to see that he had made me happy, that he had inspired me to reach higher, go farther. I didn't want him to think that his existence had stifled me and kept me from being happy. If I freed myself from this fake family image I had, I was the only one who could let me down, and I knew I wouldn't do that. The reality of staying with BD would be me always always trying, wanting, hoping for more, but never getting that. If I allowed my family to be defined as my child and myself, I knew that I could count on me, I would meet and exceed my own expectations. We would thrive together. When he comes to "see Paige" make it clear that that is ALL he will be doing, and stick to it, no matter what he tries. If he starts trying to have sex with you, be firm with him, and remind yourself of the time you spent living in your car, of all the times you cried when you felt like you'd failed, of how miserable he made you feel. If you trust him with her alone, say you have errands to run when he gets there, and if you don't, drop Paige off with his mom and assume that he can see her then if he wants to. It is NOT your responsibility to nurture his relationship with his child. You have your own place, you are about to start college...you are on the verge of a lot of big things. Look at this time as one of shedding old roles and stifling dreams, and know that you might feel naked for a little bit, but you'll come out the other side stronger and better. :)

god, i needed to read this thread so bad. i left my husband. and he still is in my life and sometimes i feel like begging to take me back and sometimes i feel like i wish he was just gone and i could just deal with it. but hence, he is still here still making me miserable all because im fucking afraid to be alone. still afraid that when im out with my friends hes gonna see me and beat me up or be mad at me or say something awful. god, i cant even begin at how scared i am. i feel stupid and weak and afraid. i feel like i will never move on and that i will be stuck as this idiot who is scared of hiim all my life. i always look out into the driveway looking for his car. i look at the cars driving by me on a road and everytime i see a honda civic i get nervous like its going to be him. i cant even begin to deal with it because i dont know how to deal with it. so far loading myself with anti-depressants isnt helping and the only real way ive been dealing with it if you call it that is going back to my eating disorder. the one thing that i feel in control of. i dont want to take emilys father away from her. if i go to court over this he ends up deported. if i call the cops on him..hes deported. i dont want emily to grow up without anything and i really dont want to do something where she wont see him again. because i think a girl does need a dad. and i feel like i shouldnt be the guilty one. i know ill be okay. this is the hard part. the dealing with the seperation. the dealing with being on your own for the first time in like 8 years. yea..hows this feminist for you..? i havent been single in 5 years. ive had a boyfriend since i was 13. im afraid of being alone. i feel like i cant do this and then i feel stupid because i argue with myself telling myself that i can and i will. i just got to give the part of me that says i will be okay a stronger voice.

Thank you Julie. Sometimes it's awful nice just to hear that someone was in the samw place you were and got through it. I do have a question for you though. How did you get over him? Maybe "get over him" is the wrong phrase. It's more like, how did you get to the point where when you see him, you don't act like an idiot, practically throw yourself at his feet, and tell him you still love him? lol. Because that's what I feel like I do whenever he's around. I know you're busy, but I hope you can help me ovecome this feeling I get when he is around.

[quote="kimmygurl"]It's more like, how did you get to the point where when you see him, you don't act like an idiot, practically throw yourself at his feet, and tell him you still love him? .[/quote] ok i know that question was not directed at me but i cant help but answer it because that was the same exact feeling that i felt last week when i went to court with bd.only thing is bd never showed so it saved me from anything stupid i mightve done,like you said saying "i love you" and throwing myself at him.Its hard and i know it is,but the thing that has helped me the most "get over" my x is NOT seeing him atall.Talking to my friends and realizing that he was NOT worth my love or that he wasnt worth being in my daughters lives.A father yes he is,but a dad-hell hes far from that. 2 similar words but with to very different definitions.The only thing that i can suggest is try to be strong because i know its hard,but try.You can do it, you are a strong women and he wont be able to have this this power over you that he has now if you dont let him.DONT LET HIM,if he wants to see his daughter,thats your choice its not like he does anything for you.You are a very strong women for leaving,stay away from that asshole(yes easier said than done when all these emotions are involved)keep yourself busy and remember you are WORTH more than that,you are priceless.and if he cant value you and your daughter for what your worth,he doesnt deserve either of you.Girl im sorry the words may not all make sense because this is the same issue that i deal with(not being able to completely get over bd),so just pm if you ever wanna talk.or if you ever wanna call him,call me instead.i used to call my friend whenever i had the urge to dial his number.and it helped.*hugs* girl were here for you.

Starting thursday or friday i will be a single mama as well. Thanks rosie for starting this and really being the first person to tell me that I can do it. thanks everyone else for sharing. I think i needed to realize that mamas do it and succeed and now I am going to do it too. I am going to need lots of support in the next few months as i go thru some huge changes in my life - so you will probably see much more of me in the next few months... thanks again and i love you all <3

I recently became a single mom. I'm now able to share my story. I was dating BD for a few months when we learned I was pregnant. I was barely 16, but we he convinced me that everything would be okay. It was tough at first, but towards the middle and end of my pregnancy, things were terrific. BD and I moved into our own apartment and got engaged. He had a great job and I was in school. Things were going great. After Riley was born, I started to feel like I was losing myself. Not because of Riley, but bcus i was expected to be super mom, super fiancee, and og to school, work, and do everything. I got soo overwhelmed. Bd and I discussed it and I decided to move in with my sister for a little while. It was going fine, BD and I still were engaged and saw eachother regularly. One night, I went back to the apartment to get something and I found BD with another girl. She ended up leaving, some stuff happened, and I went back to my sisters that night, beaten and raped. That was the first of two times he ended up hurting me. The second time he violatd a restraining order and punched me. I called the police that time and im soo glad i did that. Im at my sisters still, with Riley, and were doing great here. Im starting my senior year of high school and in january when i graduate, Riley, me, my friend(shes pregnant) are moving into a house together. I never thought I was going to be single, after the engagement and everything, but Im glad that I got out when I did.

When I first met Tony he was great, I thought he'd be the perfect guy to marry and have children with. little did I know he'd later turn out to be a scary,abusive stalker. I met Tony when I was 16 and we hit it off right away. I soon fell into what I thought was love. He told me he loved me and he wanted to be with me forever. So We planned on having a baby and I Miscarried 15 weeks into the pregnancy. The doctor said The fetus had stopped growing at about 8 weeks but I had no idea. There was a reason for the miscarriage it wasn't just one of those horribly tragic things that had happened. It was one scary day and I should have left that day but I was scared for myself and the fetus. He Came home from work Mad and it was me who got it. I asked him to talk about his day and tell me what was so wrong with it. He then shouted at me "YOU FUCKING LAZY BITCH GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME" I'm sure he saw the look of hurt on my face but he didn't care he smashed my head into the wall and then when I fell kicked me right in the stomach. I knew the fetus was gone but I didn't say anything. After that I got pregnant with Aaiden and he was not anywhere near supportive. He Verbally abused me and threatened to kill me several times I just never had the strength to leave. He didn't come to a single Dr's appt. I told him we were having a boy and he screamed at me "I DONT FUCKIN CARE I DIDNT WANT TO KNOW U BITCH U RUINED IT" Ruined what? I wondered... and that's when I realized the only thing I was ruining was my life. my own life not his, mine. So after some procrastinating and talking to the mama's here I left him. I was a single mother. And it Felt GREAT to be a single mama to be because I no longer got verbally abused or threatened. My Bliss ended shortly... He tried to break into our house. After that he started stalking us.. He'd follow us everywhere. So I got a restraining order and I thought it was over.. Wrong.. He followed us to Another province!! 8 hours away I thought I was safe.. but I was once again wrong. He stood outside my house for hours on end he tried to break in he tried to get me to come outside to talk to him he tried everything and I called the police who took him back to kelowna and left him in jail there.. for about 3 days when he came Back. I phoned the police again and it took them more then 2 hours to get to my house.. they arrested him and found a 9MM in his pocket. I've given Aaiden to my sister for now until Things can become stable in my life again and until his trial is over. But I still feel better then ever because I know I did what was right for my child and I.

I'm not ready to share my story yet, but I will soon (well in a year but thats a whole nother story) be a single mom to 3 kids. I don't know hwo I'm going to do it without BD's income. I'm getting a job, but childcare will probably cost more than I will make. Wish me luck!