I am horrid at titles, but I was hoping this could be a thread where those of you who are single moms could share your wisdom ;) and those of you who are thinking about making the leap to single mama hood could tell us how we could support/help you :)
it is a pretty common fact that too many mothers stay in unhappy, unfulfilling, unhealthy relationships. un, un, un! and lately I've noticed a ton of moms on girlmom and in LJ land talking about there relationships with there BD/BF/Husband and how shitty they are.
It takes so much for me not to just cry. after seeing one, two, three..... posts about the assholes that are in some of your lives, I get really angry. Not at you of course. But at THEM. At your BD's, at mine, at this society that instills such FEAR in us about becoming, you know, a single mom.
I know I stayed in a dead end relationship for far too long because I was afraid. I didn't know if I could handle being a single mom, if I was strong enough. I had this image in my head of what life was supposed to be like, of what my family was supposed to look like. I remember people telling me when I was pregnant or when my daughter was young that BD and I's relationship wouldnt last, that rarely any young couples stayed together. and what did them telling me this do? Made me try my hardest, look past all of BD's fuck ups, pretend life was just chipper and we were a happy family. Just so I could avoid the title of "single mom."
It took me YEARS to not only realize, but actually accept the fact that my relationship was not going to make me happy, that I couldnt live my life the way *I* wanted to if I stayed with someone as controlling, co-dependent, manipulating and emotionally abusive as he was. Looking back, it makes me really sad that I sacrificed so much of ME to make him happy. That I kept MY voice down to please him. That I had NO friends because HE didnt want me to. That I essentially lived a lie for so long. BD was on heavy drugs for about a year of our relationship, and even though there indeed were many "signs" he promised me he was clean and he would never live a life like that of his mom, so I believed him. When my best friend told me she KNEW he was using, I got offended and couldnt believe she would question my faith in him. He used to fall asleep behind the wheel when following me and when he told me he was tired, I believed him. Same with when he would lose his paychecks or not be able to work cause he was so tired.
Eventually it all came to a head and he ended up scaring the shit out of me while coming down, I phoned the police, and put a restraining order on him. As scary as that all was, I dropped the order, and went back to him. I'm strong and smart and I KNOW I deserve respect, yet I stayed. I wasn't ready to let go, to move on, though I really wish I could have. It didnt matter to me that my friends, my family, my counselor, everyone was screaming for me to stay away. I couldnt. He was my kid's dad, the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
It's really hard to accept that the storybook fairytale will never be your life, but once you get to that point where you have had enough, you'll realize those damn fairytales sucked anyway. Much to boxy and plain. Basically, I want to say I understand it takes time to leave, that it isn't easy, but the longer you DO stay, the worse it gets. If your in one of these relationships were your just not happy, I hope you find the strength to leave. Don't settle. You deserve SO much more. I wish I could show you girls how amazing and worthy and beautiful and special you are. That I could snap my fingers and you'd be THERE, in that place where you are okay with being a single mom, okay with not fitting the "wife" role, okay with being alone. Oh how I wish.
I know that I will never ever be with BD again, and I am okay with that. I don't have to cram myself into the cookie cutter image he wanted me to be. I can be loud and real and anything I want to be, and I dont have to answer to him. I wish I hadnt wasted so much of my time with him, life can be fucking short, and I spent far too much of mine with him. He has since realized how fucking awesome I am and continues to beg me to go back to him, but I NEVER will. He doesnt deserve me, he should thank the stars he ever had someone as rad as me in his life. ;)
To those of you who are single moms, would you mind sharing your story. How you came to be a single mom and all that jazz?
and to those of you still IN these relationships with BD when you know you deserve better, what can we do to help you get out? Have questions? Wanna just talk about it?
I just can't sit by and hear all that you are going through witout talking about it and trying to help, ya know?