Ok, to re-cap: I'm in the States visiting. and I have met this boy who I really, really like. The feelings are mutual, but I am only here for another 4 weeks. Actually, I haven't ever liked someone this much before in my life. We've agreed to see where it goes and whatever happens, happens, but man, lately I've been picturing us together long term, potentially getting married. Is this insane? Well, he's offered to come to Canada and live in my city for a bit....
I think the part that bothers me a bit (and makes me worry that we won't be able to make it work after I leave) is that our beliefs are very different. He was rasied strictly religiously, plans to be a virgin until marriage, voted for Bush, etc, etc. I do respect his beliefs and where he's coming from, and it's working out for now, but I don't know if we'll be ok in the long term. There are a few issues that I am not willing to change, and the same for him.
I really want to make this work because he's amazing, and I know he is someone worth spending the rest of my life with. I'm just not sure we can!.....Ideas/thoughts?
honestly, i say no. i was in a relationship with someone with very different political/religious beliefs for way too long, and we should have never been together in the first place because of those things. he was also a virgin until he was with me. this is a definite deal-breaker in my opinion. unless neither of you is very political or religious (sounds like he is both and that your views are different...), it just probably will not work out.
and that isn't even to mention the distance and time restriction.
don't let yourself be in this situation because i can almost promise it will not work out. it's easy to ignore those important issues when it's puppy love, but they really don't just go away.
I can't say anything about having different beliefs, b/cuz that's never really been an issue in any of my relationships.
I can tell you about long-distance realtionships, though. I've been in one and it did not work out. It's just hard when you can't see the other person on a regular basis. I think it would be even harder for you two, since you don't even know each other that long.
It's easy to think you can make it work when you're with that person, but once you go back home, you may realize it's not.
My husband and I have different political/religious beliefs. I guess we just agree to disagree in most situations. You have to think in the future though. If you had children with him how would they be raised? Where would you live? I agree that once you get back home you may realise it was more of a vacation romance, and if its not and your feelings are genuine then you can take it from there. Good luck! :)
Thanks for the replies. Erika - I really appreciate your honesty, and totally see your point.
Agreeing to disagree sounds fine by me - until we bring kids into the picture. Do we go to church? Do I let him take them to church without me? How do we teach our kids about sex? I've always wanted to raise my kids with a strong sense of both sides of an issue, so that when they get older, they can make their own decision, because my beliefs and values were decided for me until moved out 3 years ago. We both work at a child care centre, so kids are a huge priority for us, both professionally and personally.
A bit off topic, but it's been in my mind for a bit.
I am also not sure that I can be there for him if and when he begins talking about God with me....sorry, but I'm just not 100% ok with it. Maybe it's something he can discover and explore on his own? That sounds sort of unrealistic.....haha.
In our relationship we have discussed it and I agreed for our children to learn his religion and follow it if they wish. I think that is what will work best for us because I have no strong convictions to religion either way but it wouldnt be best for everyone. That is really something that would need to be discussed before making any big decsions.
I dont think its unrealistic for him to discover and explore his religion on his own. What religion is he?
He's Christian....it was funny, because I had asked him how he felt about sex, and he said "well, since I became Christian", and I said "oh, so it's a new thing for you?" and he said "no...well, since I was little"....hahaha
So he is saving himself for marriage? How do you feel about that??
Yep...sure is. Well, he phrased it like "I was saving myself for marriage..." which makes me think he is considering breaking that belief soon. Haha.
I'm not surprised, I thought that's what he would say. I don't want to sound completely horny, but man, sex can be so good! And it's so so so tempting once we get to a certain point....you know how it is! I am enjoying getting to know him and everything, and there are a lot of other things that we can do besides traditional sex, so we'll see...I really don't want to be the one to make him change his beliefs, if that's what he's grown up with.
The distance makes it harder, but it can work. I met my now-husband online, he was a 5.5 hour drive away at school and his parents live 9 hours away (both in NY, USA). We talked online a lot, and on the phone, and visited when we could. He moved here about a year and a half ago (immigration is a hassle!), where we will remain at least until I finish school, we are not sure where we will end up.
I think the idealistic differences are a much bigger issue, and I think you need to talk about this with him. If your beliefs are so different can you truly respect the others beleifs or is that hurting your respect for each other if you believe the other is so wrong? How much are each of you willing to compromise those beliefs when it comes to children? How would you make a decision if both of you were standing firm on something that had to go one way or the other? I think the results of that discussion might make the future of the relationship more clear.
I know it may be early in you relationship to have the "if we have kids" talk, but if he is planning on moving here to be with you, and you are seeing the relationship as more long-term, it really needs to be talked about before either of you make any huge decisions.
If you can come up with a plan that you both fully agree with, that's a good start. As long as you're actually in agreement and thinking about it as a very real plan, and not just hypothetical. I mean, it's easy to think about a hypothetical child and think "well, sure, I can agree to that, it doesn't seem that hard", but when a child actually comes into the relationship, your agreement could go out the window.
My husband and I have very similar politcal beliefs, but our religious beliefs and the way we would like to raise our children are often very contrasting/contradicting. We never really talked about it before we got serious, which we should have with me having 2 kids and us having one on the way. Some things work pretty well, like we've decided to raise our kids without a specific religion, because he feels so strongly about his non-beliefs. Even though I consider myself a Christian, I do want my kids to be able to make their own observations and choices. But, our ideas on teaching sexuality to our kids are very different, and I think that every time the topic comes up, it will create a lot of tension for both of us.
I wouldn't say that it can't work, but it'll take a lot of agreement and compromise from both of you. I think the best thing to do is talk about it.
I was in a relationship with someone who had different religious beliefs and it was a NIGHTMARE.
Sex, Politics, Religion--possibly the most argument-inducing topics we have.
Some people can just agree to disagree, some people start wars over it. Last year, I ended up engaged to my high school sweet heart after not seeing each other for three years. We, obviously, thought that it would work--and ended up having a HUGE breakup. The fights started because of our different reactions to Hurricane Katrina.
If there are indeed things that either of you aren't going to change or be silent about, it could very easily escalate.
This is definitely something to give a LOT of thought to.
BTW, *If* he moved to your city, would you feel obligated to him, in any way, shape, or form?
my husband and i are different. although we do have the same reigion as each other...i think what brings us the most together is lol were both mean in a loving sort of sence to each other...its sort of our way of showing affection and were also layed back...i think. i think before anything drastic happends you should talk to him about the long run...as in if he did move to canada with you if you had children if you could at least raise them to have a broader idea of things and not just have a strict religious path as him. and if you did have a long distance relationship how would that work out how would that make you feel? would you be comfortable allowing an open relationship? would he? ect ect. also youd have to be committed in the fact to calling and emailing each other or else youd forget about each other...its happened to me we forgot about each other and sortve stopped talking...these are all valid questions that need answers...
This is on a total other side of the issue but I thought Id post..
Just so you are aware "He'll move to Canada for a bit" isn't as easy as it sounds.
My boyfriend is from the US and it is SOOOO hard to move in together..
I'll let you know the way ot works to live together, It was hard to find this info we actually had to pay an immigration lawyer to get any sort of solid info..
This is to move to the states, allthough it sounds similar to move to canada..
US citizen has to apply to be elegable to have a fiance in the country (you have to be a fiance of the person to move in) then once they get accepted(which takes 90 days aprox), the CAN citizen has to apply to be allowed int he country (Can take another 90 days).
After you are both accepted you the CAN citizen can move to the US. BUT... you are there on a fiance visa, it is a 90 day visa... You have to be married in that 90 days or you have to go bye-bye... You cannot work for those 90 days. (Which in my situation will make things hard)
There are other ways to do it, Student visas etc but school is sooo expencive if you aren't a citizen., or if you are a professional(Doctor Nurse Engineer...) So if you are one of these things should be pretty easy...
This makes things hard and makes people rush into marriage.. Which is pretty scary for me but there aren't any other options really...
Yes, it was complicated and annoying, but we didn't pay any lawyer. For moving to Canada, 'fiance' means nothing. You have to be married or living common-law to sponsor the person. But of course, to be common law you have to be officially living together for a certain period (I think a year) which would mean he would have to already be in the country legally (ie a work or student visa). We were engaged anyways, but although we probably would have waited to get married several years if it weren't for immigration, we did it much sooner so we could live together. From the time we submitted all the forms, criminal checks, medical checks, etc, to officially moving, it took 9 months, and that time couldn't start until we were married. However, since US citizens don't need a visa to just visit Canada for up to 6 months, he did move a lot earlier than that. He wasn't eligible to work during that period, but he was busy writing his thesis and going back to do a few more experiments during that period, so it worked out ok.