Okay, so BD is in the military, currently in Iraq. we were friends for almost 3 years, however we have not gotten along since I got pregnant.
Our daughter is 5 months old. He met her last week...but is back in Iraq now and will be there until November. To make a long story short......I dont NEED the child support, but it would sure be helpful. All along, I guess I expected him to offer it to me...you know....to help his kid....but I guess he doesn't think like I do. So then I figured after he met her he would for sure want to help out....well...not so much now either. So....I kind of wrote him an email stating that I didnt like the way things went when he was home and that I am disappointed in him for not doing anything for our daughter. (he hasnt paid for anything for her...and only came and saw her maybe 3 times during the two weeks he got to be home for BECAUSE she was born.) He signed the paternity affidavit...and we had the dna test done....shes his.
So....if he doesnt respond to my email in a way like oh maybe I should pay child support and help out......should I go to his commanders and have it be court ordered (its a different process when a soldier is deployed) Honestly, I can get by (barely) without the child support...but it would be helpful...I would like to be able to save something just in case there is an emergency, you know? I feel like I deserve it...and maybe thats the wrong way to feel about it...but i am working my ass of for this kid...and I didnt even get a thank you. ugh. I feel like I am wayyyyyyy off in feeling this way and it totally sucks. I hate asking people for money...and I dont want to be rude....but I mean...this is his kid....he should pay....and hes not here to help me out at all physically...and I know thats not his fault....but isn't it right for him to have to pay??
I know this might all sound stupid...but I dont know what to do about all of this....
You definately need to get it legally established. Even if he offers it to you. You never what could happen. Even if get along great, if you break up, you won't want to have to deal with it then. It will also be easier for him to have it automatically sent to you if he's deployed.
Also, even though you're getting along OK now, kids become more expensive as they get older. Shoes, clothes, food, school supplies all add up over the years.
maybe you could ask him for something small a month or maybe show him specific things you would like to buy for her ( if he has e mail you could send him a picture or w/e ) if theres things you need even if its just diapers or some clothes or w/e. and if he would rather send money for certian items or buy them himself online then he could..... or just say... i sometimes have a hard time getting the things i need.... do you think you could help me buy some stuff or just send some money when you can... and if he doesnt want to then tell him you will file for support and he will most likely have to pay more than you are asking for.... but i think that if you included him like said heres some things i need... then he could pick a few to buy or pay for that might make him feel better about it, since you said it wasnt urgent to get the money... but i dont think you are wrong in wanting or asking for it and i would do the same!
Methinks they can get an allowance for that sort of obligation while deployed--I've waved exes off to Afghanistan and Iraq, so I heard a lot about it. Like, your kiddo could be covered under Tricare, he would get paid extra, etc.
personally, i think that if it's not court mandated, it should be extremely formal and not constantly be up for renegotation (ie a specific amount monthly to be paid by the 3rd, or whathaveyou). for me it's been important that i not be asking for money, like it's a favor, but that he feels it's his responsibility to give it to me. his duty, not my need, ya know?
and for your specific case, i'd say that you should be really straightforward, say that you expect it, ask what he feels is reasonable, counter with what you feel is reasonable and work from there. if he doesn't take to the idea, then tell him you'll respectfully be going to his commander and take it from there. money is such a loaded issue, but i think it's possible to do it all with a respectful manner.
woah! i think the army is pretty strict about those kinds of things. if he doesn't offer you might want to ask what his superiors mgith think about that. i know that when my ex was in the army there was one guy in charge of his group / unit/ whatever (you can tell i was real attentive eh?) who you had to let know about marrages, divorces and the like. like if you were a spouse and your husband beat you up and that officer found out about it there would be serious reprocussions. damn i wish i could remember what that position was called. anyhow. the military doesn't like it whent heir guys don't pay child support.
You can always apply for the CS and ask for less then what it would be. I don't know what it is like for the state you live in (it differs from state to state) but you could ask for like $100 a month if thats what you need. First you need to apply for custody first which will be easy if you already have him signing the birth certificate.
I would apply for it just so you have it established. If you ask for a decent amount that you both agree on he can't be mad and you won't be so poor. PM me if you need help with the paperwork.
I know in the navy if they know you have a kid you have no choice on whether to pay cs, they take it out of your check.
i think you should just take him to court, and get the full amount. you are the one doing the raising, he should be help responcible for things as well. even if you dont need it know, you could start a savings account for her or college or whatever.