Today was just a really STRANGE day. Let me start by saying... BD and I have been together for 6 yrs (since we were 15). We have a 5 yr old and a 15 mo old together. We just got married last month.
Today started like any other day, except when BD got home from work around 10am (he works nights), he was crying. He informed me that he got into an argument with someone at work and the guy pushed him to the ground. He called the cops and pressed charges.
So a couple hours later, he tells me something that I found very upsetting (pertaining to mine and my children's safety). I was very angry, but didn't want to argue in front of the kids, so I showed my anger by throwing my wedding band out of the car window (stupid, I KNOW).
Well he got SO ANGRY and demanded that I go back and pick it up (in the middle of traffic). I refused and drove home. He immediately called his brother (about 200 miles away) and tells him that he's moving in with him, that he doesn't want to be with me. I started laughing because he's never said anything like that and we've been through SO MUCH together. I can't imagine him breaking apart our family over something like this.
We got home a few minutes later and I was still thinking it's funny that he's doing this "show". He proceeds to pack up ALL his clothes and took out ALL his belongings from the garage. He walks out the door saying, "Let's see who's laughing when it's time to pay the bills."
Y'see... I don't work outside the home and NEVER have. I am a stay at home mom and I babysit. I work VERY HARD, I just don't make money doing what I do,well not much. So he knows that the whole family relies on him financially. We have over $1700 in monthly bills.
So that's very stressful to me. He said he's going straight to the bank to pull his money out.
Now the sad thing is... I'm not even upset about him leaving. I'm only concerned about the money situation. If I knew I could pay my bills without him (and still have time for my children), I wouldn't even WANT him to come back. I'm starting to think that I don't really love him. Maybe I've just been using him so that I can be a SAHM, while he pays all the bills.
It's just been such a strange day. First with his incident at work, then the incident in the car, him leaving, and my realization that maybe I don't love him (or want to be with him).
I'm so confused.
Rachel
Aww, sounds like a frustrating confusing situation..
Ive been though a similar situation, but at the same time totally different cause I dont have kids.
I was living with a guy, going to school, working part time, he paid all the bills and for my school and even gave me a car to drive, BUT we didn't get along, I didn't even like him I realized after 1 year of living together.. but.. how do you leave and manage on your own? Happiness vs financial security i suppose it comes down to...
In my situation I had to give up going to school for now to move back in with my parents ( no fun ), start taking the bus, and get a full time job... but as much as all those things are things i DID NOT WANT TO DO, Im happier.. I feel more free and healthier, everything is better, I dont even want free school or a free place to live cause I can do it on my own and it feels good to be independent. It is VERY hard to that first step and say "I can do this" or "I will be ok on my own" and decide what things you are going to have to give up, but once you get settled in a new routine you will be much happier.
He is still gonna have to pay child support, and there are resources out there to help you.
Im sorry that you are in such a confusing situation, but things will settle down, and get better, and you WILL be ok!!Good Luck.
wow this must be really confusing for you. and that is so low, him threatening to take the money away. can you talk to him and try to make him see that if he does that, its the kids he's hurting more than anyone? also is it possible he's just saying all that in the heat of the moment? but even if he wasn't and he does carry out his threat, he will still have to pay child support.
sorry this is happening to you.
Wow, what a lot to handle... I'm sorry you are going through this right now.
With regards to you and your children's safety-whatever it is- you are doing the right thing. It's not the easy thing and it may be hard to remember it's the best decision, but you have to protect your kids, especially if he is threatening their well being.
In terms of your marriage and relationship, it's okay if you are realizing that it was more of a convenience matter, that you were staying with him because of the support. A LOT of women do this and it is okay. It's just the nature of living in a patriarchy where a single mother can barely survive without support.
Clearly it is doable, but why struggle if you don't have to? This was my thought process in deciding to stay home with my daughter and be supported by BD. I'm not condoning one way or the other in terms of value judgement, what I am saying is some women make "choices" based on a variety of factors, and one may include how much you are able to work/willing to work. I made a similar choice to stay at home with my daughter and not "work" while BD was working full time and completely supporting us. I took advangtage of the fact that I could. I wanted that time with my daughter. So don't feel guilty if you have made similar choices, because we do the best we can for ourselves and our kids with what we have to work with.
I wish you luck and feel free to pm me if you want to talk further.
Do you think that something that happend at work, kinda set him off, to act like that at home? Like something just snapped in him? That could be it, its happend to my BD before....
As for not realizing if you love him or not....you probably are in shock!!! Honestly, i know you probably dont want to hear this, but in a day or two, it might all hit you. This has happend to me in break ups before. I was fine the next day or two, but then it all hit me the next day. Emotions are soo confusing. Do you have anyone you can talk to confidentially. That helps. Sometimes I find my thoughts and emotions feel soo trapped in my brain, and if i dont talk through them, I just feel more and more confused.
If he was posing a safety threat to you and your kids, it was a good thing he got out of there. Sometimes, people get soo angry, that they cant control themselves. After hearing about what happend at work, it is possible that he did snap. I really hope this problem resolves with a good outcome for you.
Hi Rachel - I haven't signed into GM for awhile and am way behind in reading posts. But I notice this was posted a few weeks ago. Are things looking better for you yet? Poor thing, fights are tough, I hate when people use the "I'm leaving you" thing, instead of actually talking the thing through first.
Since you guys are married now, to end the relationship you'd have to divorce, right? And then you could get half of everything plus CS and spousal support, right? I mean, worse come to worse. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope everything works out for you.
Thank you so much for all of the support. That was definitely a very difficult day for all of us. Thankfully, we were able to work through all of it and things are so much better.
First of all, looking back on it, I realize now that he was overreacting because of the incident that happened at work that day. In the end, he never took the money out of the bank and he left for one night to cool off at my brother's house.
As far as the safety issue, it wasn't that HE was endangering the family. He would never ever do anything to physically harm myself or the kids.
The way I reacted to him leaving was what surprised me the most. But I think "acrane86" is right. I was just shocked. My children are most important to me and I was worried about their well-being. If BD had taken all of our money away, it would have been very difficult for us to get by. I think my anger toward him at the moment and the concern for my children, made me feel as though I didn't want to be with him.
I enjoy being a SAHM and I am very thankful to have it as an option. I have started babysitting also so that I don't feel entirely dependent upon BD.
Anyway, my parents separated when I was 2 and BD's parents have had a very rocky marriage. So we have no example of how to maintain a marriage and we're basically learning as we go.
Thank you all for the support. :)
rachel lauren i think you should calm down bcuz usually in situations like this your first reactions are the most stupid! i talk from expirience. think about if he really makes you happy or if in some sort of way you feel relieved bcuz you cant say that bcuz u dont have the money u want him back at this point since that was presented to u and u are a mother its natural that ur response is to worry about the bills. give it a couple of days slowly it will come to you.
I don't think it's too nice to call someones reactions "stupid", because at the time you feel how you feel... regardless of how things evenually work out. :wink: