Sorry if this sounds incoherent or I repeat ideas. I'm just going to let myself go so I can get all of this out.
I've been feeling really useless and helpless lately even though I'm doing a lot around the house. Ever since CPS showed up at my door because of what my husband did to our son, I've been paranoid about losing my children to a dirty house. So I've been picking up every morning and night and mopping each day, sometimes three times, in order to keep the dirt off the floor. If something is out of order, I get irritated and want everything back in its place. I've been doing a great job keeping the house picked up whereas before the floor used to be stained with dirt - we live in a desert; what do you expect? The only room that's constantly out of order is our bedroom, which I don't bother to keep in shape because I'd go out of my mind. I'm already going out of my mind with the rest of the house. I wish I could just lay down and relax, but then I feel like I'm being lazy.
But I could never appear to be lazy when compared to my husband because he does nothing but spend his free time at his computer desk, playing EverQuest. I almost blew up at him earlier today because I took the dog for a walk and came home to another mess made by my son that I had to clean up. I wanted to pull my hair out because I feel like they come right behind me and mess up what I just cleaned. My son got onto things at my desk and made a mess of the dog food. My husband was in the bedroom, attemping to put my daughter to sleep - who wasn't tired. He doesn't know how to get her to stop crying, and it drives me nuts that he isn't a better parent. He needs to spend more time with his kids so he can figure out how they work, but he's always trying to shove them off on me.
He tells me in order to fix the problem of not watching his son, maybe we should get rid of the dogs so I'm home to watch him, but then I blew up at him and asked him when I was going to get time to myself if I didn't take the dogs for a walk. He said he doesn't get time to himself, either. I started shouting about how I don't get to go to Streak Fries, I don't get to go play Halo at a friend's house, and I don't get to go to the theatre to see Dodgeball. The only time I have to myself is when I'm walking the dogs, and he's not about to make me get rid of my best friends. They do seem to be the only friends I have nowadays. I hardly think he has to worry about time to himself when he's always on his computer, playing EverCrack. If he spent more time with the kids, then I wouldn't feel as though I'm losing my mind today.
And then I've been relapsing back into my aggravation and rages that I always used to experience before because my body has gotten used to the medication that my psych. gave me. On top of that, I can't get the car from my husband because he has something going on at work where he needs it. So I can't get on medication for another two weeks, and I already can't stand myself. I don't know how anyone else can live with me. I've been trying to take a breather when I start to feel myself get irritated, but it's hard. It's very hard. I felt great when I was outside on a walk, but then I came home, I saw the disorder and chaos, and I completely lost it again.
More than one person has suggested that the reason I'm so unhappy is because of the person I'm married to, but my mother thinks it has to do with my disappointment in my job since I can't continue on with my training until the software is paid off. My mother's lending me the money. I told her I might feel more worthwhile if I was getting a paycheck and felt like I was doing something. Right now, even though I do a lot around the house, I feel like I'm worthless.
Thanks for listening. There's much more to add to this, but I'm tired. I can't think straight, and my eyes are starting to get blurry from oncoming sleep.