my story

i was looking through the topics and its kinda funny cuz there arent a lot of actual stories...so i decided to write mine...
(i can do that right?)

I found out i was pregnant on November 20th, 2005, i was two months along. the news wasnt too much of a shocker since i had skipped two periods and had been sexually active. In fact, i had completely overindulged in carefree sex (and believe me i am not proud of it).I was, however, scared. My senior was not only the year i got pregnant, it was also the worst time of my life (pre-pregnancy mostly).
My depression came on that May, after having a fling with a guy i had had a crush on for a while. Soon after we met, we had sex (he had a girlfriend), and i never heard from him again. He did not give me my first sexual experience, but i cared about him a lot still and he hurt me pretty bad. I guess i was already sad and a bit dysfunctional before him but he made everything so much worse. i fell into a deep depression that only worsened as time went by. Eventually i began cutting my arms because "physical pain takes away the emotional pain and i would much rather feel physical pain." soon after getting my heart broken yet again by a co-worker (later that summer i began to work at a thrift store called savers), i began my senior year of high school.
before i started school again i told myself that there was no way i would fall for another guy, no way. but, of course, i did. On the first day of school i saw him, the man who would eventually become the father of my precious angel (lets call him mark). i had known him as a mutual friend in my freshman year, but when i saw him on that day, i could not believe how attractive he was, everything i wanted in a guy's appearance- tall, pale, slim, beautiful eyes-i fell hard at first sight, every thought that i had about not falling completely vanished. i knew i had to have him and, after school, when he asked me if i wanted to go to his house, i was more than happy to say "yeah, why not". While at his house, well, we did a lot that two people that barely know eachother probably should never do. After a few hours, i told him i had to leave and he insisted that his mom drive me home. i will never forget his face as i walked away from his moms car (he was sitting in the backseat and i guess his door wouldnt open so he couldnt at least give me a hug goodbye, when he finally got out of the car i was already walking away and he looked very sad).
The next day at school we barely talked. I felt unbelievably used and hurt, again. i couldnt stand it. Later that day, after school, i sat in my room listening to Fevers and Mirrors by Bright Eyes (quite possibly the most depressing CD ever made). In one moment i decided to take my life, i started popping extra strength pain relievers. After about 35 pills or so i just couldnt take them anymore, i would gag so bad that i couldnt even place them in my mouth, so i decided to go to sleep and maybe, just maybe, i wouldnt wake up. A couple hours later i did wake up, with a horrible feeling in my stomach, it wasnt bad enough to keep me awake though and i soon drifted back to sleep. A few hours later i woke up again, but this time i couldnt fight the feeling, i threw up, and kept throwing up every half hour that whole night and the next morning. My mom asked me if i wanted to stay home (she thought it was something i ate that had made me sick) and i did. later that day, (around the time that school let out), i had the genius idea to walk to marks house. The temperature was at least 95 degrees and i was wearing a jacket. i was pretty close to his house when the stomach pain came back (the only way to describe the pain would be to say it felt like my stomach was turning itself inside out, literally). i had been talking to my best friend the whole time i was walking and he happened to know mark and he decided to tell me at that time that "oh yeah, i think mark stayed after school, oh shit, he did". so there i was, stuck, in pain and with no hope. i asked my friend if there was any way that he could give me a ride home because i knew i wouldnt make it. he did and as soon as i got in the door i saw my younger brother (15 at the time) talking on the phone and crying. he was talking to my mom and telling her that i wasnt home, he was very worried in other words. He gave me the phone but i was so sick that all i could say was "mom im going to fucking puke!" i ran to the toilet and let out what felt like a stream of acid. my mom came home and i eventually told her "i might have taken too many pills". she called my doctor and my doctor told her to take me to the emergency room. My older brother and my dad just happened to be arriving home soon after that and my older brother ended up driving me to the hospital while my mom sat with me in the backseat. i stayed in the hospital for three days. When i got out i checked my cell phone and found a message from my friend and mark. First i called my friend and mark was at his house. mark and i talked some more later that day and by the end of the conversation he was officially my boyfriend. Our relationship was great at first, but slowly turned to good and then just plain crappy.
One day, after a horrible night, we got into a really bad fight and i thought he broke up with me. I thought i had lost him and couldnt stop crying. i was at school at the time and had to call my mom to pick me up. She asked me if i wanted to kill myself and i said yes. By this time i had been assigned a psychiatrist and i was on the ati-depressant Zoloft. My mom called my psychiatrist and he told her to take me to the local institution for children (the name: Palo Verde)since i was only 17. I was admitted and stayed there for 5 days. I could write a whole story on my experience there alone. Soon after i got out, Mark couldnt handle me anymore (or i should say, he couldnt handle my depression that only seemed to get worse, anymore) and we split. About a month later i found out i was pregnant.
At first i did not want to tell Mark only because he had hurt me so bad (after we split he couldnt even look at me, not because of sadness but more like he couldnt stand me, not to mention he was always around some chick named alycia doing who knows what). But eventually a friend that i had then convinced me to tell him and on his last day of school (he graduated early) and two days before my birthday, i wrote him a note telling him he was going to be a dad. Of course the words in the note werent nearly that nice. We talked on the phone later that day and yelled and cried and eventually he told me that he didnt know what the hell he was going to do and we kinda left it at that. We didnt really talk again until Valentine's Day, i had sent him the first pictures (from a sonogram) of our son and told him that we had a son and he had sent me a letter back that my mom had found and decided to wait until she was at home with me to give it to me, which just happened to be Valentine's day. I called him and a friendship began, again. We talked a lot on the phone and by May we began to see eachother in person again. It was also by May that we got back together. This time we tried to do things right, he met my dad and we saw eachother more often without the obligation of sex. I fell in love with him yet again and apparently he fell in love with me (for him this was the first time he truly loved me). Two months later our son (Cristian Alexander) was born. The date was June 22 and he weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces.
At first Mark was very involved, but this changed drastically. Over the past few months, Mark and i have constantly been in and out of arguments. We have not gotten married and he tends to make excuses for why we cant get our own place (he lives at his parents house and i live at mine). He lies about things like money and what hes been doing. He was a meth addict and im afraid that he still is. He also has a temper that is eerily unpredictable. He treats Cris good for the most part but i cant trust him. About a week ago i decided that i have had enough and we split, again. And now here i am, with a 4 month old, yes he is adorable, but it can be pretty hard sometimes. The fact that im a single mom and will be for a while has not sunk in yet but i wont let it get to me when it does. Now all i can do is do everything i can to give my baby a great life full of happiness and pray that he never goes through the same depression i fought so hard against.

By the Way:
By January i realized that i couldnt be depressed anymore, i had a baby coming and had put my family through too much already. I battled depression and overcame it. I no longer take medication and have not since i found out i was pregnant. I also no longer see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Sometimes the depression creeps back but i can control it now, never letting it get out of hand. I guess if you have ever dealt with depression you would know that it doesnt ever go away, it just kinda hides deep inside you, just waiting...
I am proud to say that i graduated in May, walked with my class and my final GPA was 4.1 (My high school years were filled with 'honors' this and 'AP' that 8) ).
I also have to say that i am sure that if i hadnt gotten pregnant i would not be here now. My son saved me in so many ways, one day ill let him know that, but for now i will show him as much love as i can and in my heart i will know that he saved my life...