Okay, so I've been thinking a lot about this: I'm going to carry my baby to full term, and I want to raise it to the best that I can, with the help of my parents. The thing is; Dev and I had a talk last week, after my first pre-natal appointment, and he was saying that he wanted me to think long and hard about continuing the pregnancy, and me raising the baby, but he still wanted me to consider abortion and adoption. I'm not against other mothers who have had abortions done, or are considering to have them done, but me, as an individual, I just didn't want to consider it, because it's not my baby's fault it was conceived, and I want to give it a chance at life. Devon, however, is against adoption, but he said he was willing to get information on both abortion and adoption, even though we both don't like each idea, just so we have more options to look into if either of us change our minds.
Saturday, I made up my mind. I decided I would carry the baby to full term, and raise it. I talked to Devon on Sunday, and he said he thought it would be a good idea if we got our own apartment next year before the baby's born. Two days before that, with our talk, he mentioned how he's not in love with me, or whatever, and that kind of hurt me alot because he would joke around saying he did, and all he's doing to me is confusing me. He also said he had plans to move out to Alberta next year, but now he said he can't, because he doesn't want to ditch off on me and the baby, because that's what his dad did to him when he was a baby. He's very persistant on staying out here to help me raise the baby, but he also said I shouldn't expect full term committment out of him, or a ring, or a house, or a little dog. He confused me with his negativity, and how he said, "You know, this is gonna be so fucked up in 2-3 years, right?" because he believes we will eventually get mad at each other, and our relationship will fuck up our child's emotional well-being. :roll: What pisses me off the most is he says for me to not expect any committment out of him, but if we're going to live together, shouldn't we at least have some kind of feeling towards each other? I mean, what's the point in living together, if you're just doing it for the baby? It's not like I'm gonna just say, "Okay, sure, let's live together", and then 3-4 months down the line, he decides to find another girlfriend because we're only "going out", and we're not engaged or whatever. Like, he should have some kind of committment towards me too if he's going to live with me and our baby...
I don't know how to go on about this situation. I feel like just breaking up with him, because he seems to talk about how we'll be split up in the future, than being with me, and raising our baby. He also asked me last night how long I think we'll be living together? How the hell should *I* know? I told him I thought I'd leave that up to him to decide because he seems to know what the future holds for us. He seems to have it under control, and when I say, "It's gonna work, everything will be okay", he says "No it's NOT okay, we're not going to be together forever!"
This sucks.
I'm not against other mothers who have had abortions done, or are considering to have them done, but me, as an individual, I just didn't want to consider it, because it's not my baby's fault it was conceived, and I want to give it a chance at life.
sorry i qouted what i said not what you said just so thats clear what i said is now in white. lol
Kristina we have to respect women who have had abortions and this statement is very hurtful. please just watch the things that you say. Im not attacking you We just need to respect eachother and try to be cautious of the things we say because we may hurt someones feelings.
as to your situation you can do this alone. It is not a good idea to live with someone when you dont love them because you will fight and it will not be good for you or your child. If he doesnt want to commit now a baby will not make him do that. You are strong and you can do this alone lots of women do and youll make it but dont stay with him just because you have a baby together it never makes a good situation.
I WAS being respectful. I honestly don't get this site, you know? Everything a girl says gets twisted around. My statement wasn't hypocritical or anything. All I said was that I wouldn't consider getting one done, because it's not MY baby's fault, or anyone else's embreyo, fetus, or whatever they like to call it. I never said anything about anyone else's body, and what they choose to do with it.
I made the statement fit my situation. It's not my fault if someone else decides they want to relate their's to mine.
Since there's no edit button here, I forgot to ask if even mentioning abortion isn't allowed here? Because that's what it seems like!
We encourage all young mothers to speak loudly and boldly of their experiences and choices, in the hope that young women of future generations will feel more secure in doing the same.
We support any reproductive choice a young woman may make, including aborting a pregnancy, placing a child for adoption or becoming a mother.
We allow mothers the opportunity to express their opinions, experiences, stories and advice in a safe environment.
I don't believe I've said anything wrong. I didn't use any personal attack against another member, I never mentioned names, and I wasn't criticising anyone for their personal choices. I totally support other girls in what they choose to do with their pregnancies, and I strongly believe in myself as a pregnant mother also. I have nothing against anyone here.
If you don't want to have an abortion, don't have one. It's fine to say that you do not want an abortion, but if your reasons for not wanting one can be offensive to others, then please refrain from detailing them. Saying that "it's not my babies fault" is 1. Comparing a fetus to a real, live baby.....when there is a big difference and 2. It's implying that there is something wrong with abortion,which is anti-choice whether you meant it or not.
From the Girlmom pro-choice sticky:
You can read the rest of it here:
http://www.girl-mom.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=4
I read it all when I signed up in the beginning, and I read it all over again tonight.
"We allow mothers the opportunity to express their opinions, experiences, stories and advice in a safe environment. "
"Because of this goal of maintaining a safe space for mothers who have had abortions, anti-choice discussion and opinions will not be allowed."
What the hell is wrong with this??? First it's telling you it's OKAY to express your feelings in a safe envrinoment, then it says anti-choice and opinions will not be allowed? Someone needs to clear that up, or else you people will have to deal with more members like myself.
Make up your minds on what you want and don't want your members to be doing.[/i]
"We allow mothers the opportunity to express their opinions, experiences, stories and advice in a safe environment. "
"Because of this goal of maintaining a safe space for mothers who have had abortions, anti-choice discussion and opinions will not be allowed."
First and foremost the safe space in regards to abortion is the most important thing about this space. This is why woman who've had abortions come to this site. Protecting them is top priority. THEN, in safe terms that are not anti-choice, most other discussion that aslo follows GM rules of order are allowed.
There is no questioning of this. It will not change. It makes sense to many woman who use this site,including myself. People who come here who just don't get it really have no problem finding other discussion boards they feel more comfortable at, since there are many.
Girl-mom is the way it is for a very good reason. If you can't understand that, and can't understand what is wrong with this statement, then why are you here? Make the effort to see what wrong, appologise to those you've hurt, or a mod WILL ban you.
All you needed to say way 'I've chosen not to have an abortion" that it, thats all. We don't need to know why, whent the reason is so clearly anti-choice.[/i]
I understand what people are saying, but I still think Girl-Mom should revise their Mission Statement and put in that women can talk freely about abortions, but to not mention their reason for not choosing to have them.
Does this work the other way around also if you DO choose to have an abortion, and if you tell other women your reason for it? It's not very fair if it IS like that.
Woman CAN talk freely about abortion aslong as it is not anti-choice.
For example: I Jube have one child. I have had one pregnancy. I chose not to abort that pregnancy because that was what was right for me at the time. I wasn't in the perfect sittuation for having a baby, but I felt I could manage. It was the decision I made.
Here I am talking about how I chose not to have an abortion without in any way implying that abortion is bad. Saying that "your baby didn't choose to be conceived" is the same as saying "What I did was shameful, and I dont feel I deserve any other options". Do you understand? I am not trying to twist your words around, but you need to be considerate to how people are going to react to the things you say on this public forum.
Again: Girl-mom works for MANY woman. Girl-mom is the way it is for a reason. No program ever anywhere in the history of the world has %100 happy users. Doesn't matter the whereabouts or the genre. Girl-mom is well thought out, well organised, and has been going on for YEARS. One angry girl who comes on here making anti-choice statements and then demanding that the rules be changed isn't going to do anything. What about the rest of us who love girl-mom the way it is, and love the way the rules are set up to protect one another??
And no, I am not threatening you. I'm not a mod. I can't ban you myself. I am warning you.
People have lost the point of the original post and zeroed in on the part about abortion...
She's talking about her bd wanting to live together but he doesnt love her and want to commit to her...
Sooo... i think he's being immature, and i wouldnt leave it up to him to decide.
If he thinks its going to 'fuck up' your child's emotional well being in the future, why on EARTH would he want to live with you now?? who would do that to their child? He sounds confused..almost like he doesnt want to look bad and screw up his child..but is sure he will anyway... i dont know, i dont know enough about your situation, im just going off of what you wrote...
He sounds like he THINKS he wants his baby, but is already positive he doesnt want you... so living together would be a bad idea...just my opinion...having a baby on your own is stressful enough, i dont see the point in adding to it with this nonsense...
i dont know what else to say, other than i really would not even consider living with somebody like that, or want someone like that raising my child.
I guess I should let everyone in on something: I've had an abortion once, and I do NOT see how this is offending anyone, basically because I've lived through the same exact thing, and I don't embed any guilt on myself.
Will you all stop "explaining" to me now?
Thanks you so much for understanding the real point here. I gladly appreciate it, and I will take everything you said into consideration. I feel so emotional now. :cry:
will you appologise now, and not do it again?
I won't kiss ass here. I believe I didn't hurt anybody. They only people that seem to have a problem with me are the ones defending the other moms who might see my statements as resentful, and no one has clearly said that I have hurt them personally. So if you are saying I hurt you, then say it, don't beat around the bush. I'll apologize only if you give me a good reason, or if I have personally offended you with any comment.
Other than that, I will gladly leave this site, or take the banning, because I feel like I can't be expressing myself here anyways. I feel cornered, and like I'm being picked on. How does THAT go against your policy?
I do agree you should think carefully about what you say here, kristina, HOWEVER.. it does look very much like she's being cornered, shouldn't she also feel safe to post here? I'm pretty sure she isnt a toddler that needs to be told the same thing 5 times to understand the point. once is enough... can we all move on? she's perplexed, pregnant, emotional, and looking for advice.
It's okay, Danana, I won't blame my emotions on what I say. Some people percieve they way I am speaking differently than how I find myself to seem...
And I am sorry if any of you think I am trying to argue. I'm not. I just want to make sure I'm not being picked on, because that's how I feel. I came here to look for advice on my situation with my boyfriend, and I thought I'd mention on how we got on the topic of moving in together because it started with us narrowing down our options, and I came to a decision, and then all of a sudden, people are focusing on what I said about abortion, and how it is hurtful to other moms. Well these "other moms" haven't come out yet, and said I have offended them. The only people who have a problem with me are the ones who are using the other moms as an excuse to have me apologize for something I believe I did not do wrong in, just so they can maintain their reputation on this messageboard. That is how I truly feel.
We've all been called out. That is what this is. It's how you react to it, and how you learn from it that really allows you to benifit from it. It's not fun for anyone. I've been called out. Anywys, check this thread if you havent aready:
http://www.girl-mom.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=11381
I am personally offended by the first comment there.
Also:
Apperiently she does indeed need to be told the same thing time and time again, because she still does not get it. And this could have been avoided too, ya know. Why even fight it? If you're offending people, just appologise for it. You don't need to go on and on about how you don't think you're offending anyone. Because you are, even if you don't see it. If she appologised right away, nobody would have had to tell her over and over. It would have been done with andw e could have discussed the real point of the thread.
I'm not trying to corner her, but why does she get to get away with hurting people here where it's supposed to be safe, and then not even appologising? She's not the only person upset here.
Okay, I'm sorry to YOU. Are you friggen satisfied? Now stop with the nonsense. I'm done with you.
And yeah, it seems like I AM the only person upset here, because you're not even upset at ME directly, you're upset for other people here that can't even come out and tell me themselves. I can't read minds.
We have the rules that you can't make anti-choice statements to prevent people from having to be offended or hurt by them in the first place. You don't need proof that individual people were hurt, we have let you know they are potentially hurtful, and that should be enough. By the way, apologies said in that tone don't sound like you are truly sorry.
Well, there's nothing more I am going to say to her. I was being sincere, I just added the tone of anger, because I AM angry. I'm VERY angry, and I'm also being sincere to her, and if she doesn't accept my apology, then it's her problem, not mine.
And yeah, I think once would've been enough to let me know, but now, it's gone too far, and I'm sick of everything. So just lay off. I'm not going to say anything to those of you who believe I have offended.
sorry that itself is offending ...
who has the "perfet situation"?
I felt I could manage?????????????????
come on...
So if I can manage I shouldn't of had that abortion..
If i could of managed If it was right for me..
..................
...........
As am I, she just said we couldn't mention our reason for having an abortion? I had one last year, and that just really made me even more angry, but it doesn't offend me because being angry is different than feeling offended. When you're offended, you are hurt or annoyed. But I am beyond both. I'm pissed off. :x
A lot of people have the perfect sittuation for creating a baby. All I was saying is that I thought long and hard about the pro's and con's before comming to the decision because I was not in a "perfect sittuation" or "Planned" or whatever other scenario you want to use as a sterio-type for perfect baby making. "The american dream" sittuation, which involves having education, money, a house and many many other priviledges, it's supposibly more Ok to make babies. People who have those things are NEVER lookd down apon for making babies in the eyes fo society. I have none of those things.
Also, what I meant by "manage" was: Do I have enough money to provide food, clothing, and shealter for this child. If I do not I therefore cannot manage, I had better choose another option. OR Do I want this baby? Will I be mentally healthy and secure enough to raise this child? If not, I may not "Manage". Manage as in figuring out your OWN well-being before you decide if you can .
But even beyond that, I decided to keep the pregnancy because I just plain old wanted the baby. But just because I wanted the baby, doesn't mean everybody else out there wanted to have a baby or wanted to go through a pregnancy. It is individual. I said I felt I could manage in the respects I'm speaking of above. I didn't say "Since I can manage, so can everyone else". Again, it's all individual.
Do you understand the difference between what I said, and what Kristina said? Mainly, she personified the fetus, which is a no-no. "My baby didn't make the decision to be conceived" when nobodies babies made the decision to be conceived. Thats not how it works. It can make woman who arent %100 secure in their decision feel some grief. And that is not what this safe space is all about.
AlexZander'smom, I'm really sorry that you took my post as some kind of hit against you. It wasn't what I intended at all. I don't know your person sittuation or anything, but still, my appologies girl. :)
I said it wasn't my baby's fault is was conceived. Notice how I said "fault", and not "decision". Two different words with different meanings. You're not helping justifying your statement very well. You can't even give me the dignity of saying what I really did say, and putting words into my mouth that I never said.
And instead you are...sorry, I forgot to put that in there.
If a member feels like a post contains anti-choice language, they are encouraged to respectfully remind the poster that Girlmom is a pro-choice site. The best approach to take is for one member to respond to the language and then PM mod_squad. Because Girlmom is also a place for unlearning, we ask that only one member respond calling out anti-choice language. A pro-choice, feminist space for teen mothers is very rare online, and many new members who are not intending to offend or spread anti-choice messages may be unaware of our site's policies. For this reason, we don't want a barrage of messages explaining why what they said was wrong. Following this approach will help make a new member who isn't intentionally offensive feel comfortable, and possibly contribute to her adopting pro-choice beliefs.
this is an anti-choice phrase
You need to recognise that it WAS anti-choice and apologise or be banned tomorrow afternoon.
I don't care anymore, honestly. I'll take the ban than stay here, and not have MY opinion being heard. Fuck that bullshit.
check your pm.
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