After the "what sexually attracts you to someone" thread where so many of us said we are or were attracted to bad boys, and after thinking about my own issues with this, I'd like to know what your thoughts on this are?
I personally think a lot of issues play into this for me, I have issues of the wahoo when it comes to my own bio-dad, and I know my need for male attention in the past has had a lot to do with that. They say girls go for guys like there dads, and in many ways I did. Bio-dad was not in my life, and my step-dad who adopted me was not very emotional, had a bad relationship with my mom, and wasnt around much. Of course I dont blame them, but I do think they had some affect on my choice in partners.
Also, I've realized that for a long time I needed to be needed, in part, I was extremely attracted to boys with fucked up familys, boys who needed to be "fixed." I wanted to be the person who made a difference in there lives. Many of them, I did, but along the way, I lost parts of myself. I focused on them and neglected myself, put them and there needs far above my own. Created my world to revolve around them.
It took me a long time to break away from this with BD, I felt like he depended on me, he had no one else, if I left him what would he do? But, you know what? he's a big boy and he can handle his own. He still struggles with this, and I still have to step back, tell myself I dont owe him anything, I'm not his mama and I dont need to help him.
Not only was I attracted to these bad fucked up boys, but they were attracted to me as well. I've had more then one boyfriend threaten to take his own life if I left him, ask me to marry him, etc etc.
I had a short relationship with a real bad boy a few months ago. It changed so much for me, and I really learned so much, even though at times it was SO fucking painful and embarassing. You grow the most when your struggling. Anyways, I'm pretty confident, I have rock solid beliefs, I know who I am, I'm a feminist, I am very independent, etc. Yet, I found myself obsessed with things that really were meaningless, I lost myself in this person who I barely knew. I withdrew from my family, lied to my friends, basically snuck around and did shit I know drop my jaw at. But he was badddd, and he made me feel so good.
It was all my past relationships rolled into one times 10. It was so intense and scary and dangerous and fast. I think I needed to go through that, one last time. I needed to test myself, put myself in those really bad situations, see if I could make it out. If I was strong enough to stand up, let go,and move on. That likely doesnt make sense, but in order for me to once and for all let go of my extreme need for the baddest boys, I needed to have the baddest boy. I will not go into detail as to how bad he was, and all the dumb things I did, but I will say I'm glad it all happened. and I'm glad I came out alive.
I bet part of it also has to do with living in a male dominated society, where women are supposed to be good and sweet and docile. On some level, I think we are trained I guess to want a controller, someone to be in charge. I gave up so much power in the relationships I have, hide me, silenced so much of how I really felt, and at the time, I didnt think it was that big a deal. But now. Well, now I am extremely pissed that I EVER felt that it was okay to lose myself, morph into someone more to whatever boy I was with's liking.
I wish I hadnt wasted so many years repeating this pattern. I wish I hadnt pretended I was someone else so maybe they'd like me more. I wish I had stood up for myself and been strong enough to think for myself, not let them dictate who I should be.
I have a daughter. I'm scared as fuck for her. I do not want her to feel the way I have. I do not want her to feel that she needs to hide who she is, to be more accepted, more liked by a dumb fucking boy. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this, as I know I will be forced to. I'm hoping that since her mama is aware of these issues, and has pretty much worked through them herself, she will not have to go through this. I wish my mom had been able to get through to me somehow, that I would have listened to people when they said he wasnt worth it.
So, whats your take on this? Why are you attracted to bad boys? how do you feel about it and what are you doing about it?