Why?
After the "what sexually attracts you to someone" thread where so many of us said we are or were attracted to bad boys, and after thinking about my own issues with this, I'd like to know what your thoughts on this are?
I personally think a lot of issues play into this for me, I have issues of the wahoo when it comes to my own bio-dad, and I know my need for male attention in the past has had a lot to do with that. They say girls go for guys like there dads, and in many ways I did. Bio-dad was not in my life, and my step-dad who adopted me was not very emotional, had a bad relationship with my mom, and wasnt around much. Of course I dont blame them, but I do think they had some affect on my choice in partners.
Also, I've realized that for a long time I needed to be needed, in part, I was extremely attracted to boys with fucked up familys, boys who needed to be "fixed." I wanted to be the person who made a difference in there lives. Many of them, I did, but along the way, I lost parts of myself. I focused on them and neglected myself, put them and there needs far above my own. Created my world to revolve around them.
It took me a long time to break away from this with BD, I felt like he depended on me, he had no one else, if I left him what would he do? But, you know what? he's a big boy and he can handle his own. He still struggles with this, and I still have to step back, tell myself I dont owe him anything, I'm not his mama and I dont need to help him.
Not only was I attracted to these bad fucked up boys, but they were attracted to me as well. I've had more then one boyfriend threaten to take his own life if I left him, ask me to marry him, etc etc.
I had a short relationship with a real bad boy a few months ago. It changed so much for me, and I really learned so much, even though at times it was SO fucking painful and embarassing. You grow the most when your struggling. Anyways, I'm pretty confident, I have rock solid beliefs, I know who I am, I'm a feminist, I am very independent, etc. Yet, I found myself obsessed with things that really were meaningless, I lost myself in this person who I barely knew. I withdrew from my family, lied to my friends, basically snuck around and did shit I know drop my jaw at. But he was badddd, and he made me feel so good.
It was all my past relationships rolled into one times 10. It was so intense and scary and dangerous and fast. I think I needed to go through that, one last time. I needed to test myself, put myself in those really bad situations, see if I could make it out. If I was strong enough to stand up, let go,and move on. That likely doesnt make sense, but in order for me to once and for all let go of my extreme need for the baddest boys, I needed to have the baddest boy. I will not go into detail as to how bad he was, and all the dumb things I did, but I will say I'm glad it all happened. and I'm glad I came out alive.
I bet part of it also has to do with living in a male dominated society, where women are supposed to be good and sweet and docile. On some level, I think we are trained I guess to want a controller, someone to be in charge. I gave up so much power in the relationships I have, hide me, silenced so much of how I really felt, and at the time, I didnt think it was that big a deal. But now. Well, now I am extremely pissed that I EVER felt that it was okay to lose myself, morph into someone more to whatever boy I was with's liking.
I wish I hadnt wasted so many years repeating this pattern. I wish I hadnt pretended I was someone else so maybe they'd like me more. I wish I had stood up for myself and been strong enough to think for myself, not let them dictate who I should be.
I have a daughter. I'm scared as fuck for her. I do not want her to feel the way I have. I do not want her to feel that she needs to hide who she is, to be more accepted, more liked by a dumb fucking boy. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this, as I know I will be forced to. I'm hoping that since her mama is aware of these issues, and has pretty much worked through them herself, she will not have to go through this. I wish my mom had been able to get through to me somehow, that I would have listened to people when they said he wasnt worth it.
So, whats your take on this? Why are you attracted to bad boys? how do you feel about it and what are you doing about it?
yeah, i dont have much time right now, otherwise i could probably type a long reply on why i think i have this prob.
in short, i have this tendecy to try to fix people- my dad always told me i had a "bleeding heart". as a child, i always tried to take in and care for hurt animals. so of course, i got older and it turned to guys. "oh you're a crack addict? thats ok- i can love you and fix you right up,you won't have any problems after i'm done with you". the sad thing is, in my very naieve mind, i actually believed i could do that.
like u said rosie, i would looooove to have a nice, normal guy, but they are just not interesting to me...no project there i guess. I am hoping i will grow outta this stage because its so dumb and i KNOW this pattern i have. But you can't just MAKE yourself attracted to a certain kind of person, kwim? thats why its so freakin hard to break the pattern.
Hmmmm well I think i am a lot like you. My dad is just not very emotional with us (never told us he loves us or hugs us just not the way he is...) and so I guess i looked for that male attention elsewhere. I totally agree it has to do with how our dad's raise us. We look for attention elsewhere and most of the time how else can we get attention but with a baddddd ass boy???
most of the time like you I found the guy that needed to be fixed. And like you most of them said they would kill themselves if i ever left them and in all honesty i don't blame them b/c I was the best thing they had in their lives. I tried to fix mostly all of my ex boyfriends. Whether it be their drug problems, family problems, lack of motivation whatever. I thought I could fix it all and make them into perfect little molds of what they could be. But hey they are all either exactly where I left them or in jail so I guess I didn't do a very good job lol. I think most of the time it has to do with the unknowingness and yet familiarness (is that a word???). The unknowingness of what will happen next and whether we can fix them and make them perfect again and yet that familiarness of our own fathers and the way they loved us. Although as I think about it all my relationships tend to be very intense very fast and thats what i like. I think we can all kick ourselves at one point or another for having tried to be someone we aren't just so these boys will love us and we give up parts of who we really are to make them happy. I hate that I did that for so long and maybe thats why i am so frustrated why I am where I am now. I do not want to give up who I am to be with anyone and I think in the end I want someone that I can be me 100%...
I too worry for little girls. Especially little girls whose dad's aren't always 100% involved. I see too many girls going down the same path and it will probably end up where we have (beaten, raped etc). It just sucks but how can we teach them that they deserve so much better???
You know when I was reading that thread I started to think, "hmmm how come everybody loves the bad boys?"
About the whole father thing, for me that doesn't apply. My father was always loving and spoiled me rotten as a child. I had everything I could have needed in a male figure.
I think that the main reason I'm attracted to bad boys is that it's a challenge. You never can expect what is going to happen next. It's like you're always on the edge. Then of course, I think everybody thinks at one time or another, "Oh he's fucked up now, but once I'm in his life, he'll change. Once he knows how much I love him, he'll be different". That rarely rarely ever happens. I got lucky and my crackhead changed. Took a long time though.
Its funny because I've met plenty of nice, sweet, responsible boys who don't do drugs, party, etc. They're college material, type of guy all the preppy girls like, and I've never been attracted. I just get so bored.
Also, I have and pretty much always have had low self-esteem. For some reason I think that attributes to my desire for these bad boys though right at this moment I can't necessarily explain why. I think it plays a major part though.
I liked bad boys also, my ex was one and was very messed up. He has diabetes and bipolar disored. His home life was shit also. When I first met him he told me how he never knew who his dad was and his mom was dating this abusive guy. His mom was to wrapped up in her life to give a shit about him and his diabetic contorl. He just found out over the summer that he was an diabetic and had to take insulin shots for the rest of his life. We just had started dating and he never told me he was a diabetic, the way I found out was he just passed out on the way walking from lunch. I freaked out and an ambulence was called and he was rushed to the hospital. Well he went into a diabetic coma and he died but the docotor was able to restart his heat so he lived I was a mess and his mother didn't visit him not once. So then he was diegnosed with bipolar and was put in meds to balance out the modd swings, and those were hell. He started to take it out on me and called me names and swore at me. I stayed with him because I thought I could help him and I felt needed and loved. I wasn't getting love at home my mom didn't express love and never told me she loved me or hugged me. My dad was always working and never home, so I looked to my ex for that love to fill the void. At first I thoguh all we needed was love but as I learned that wasn't enough. So I finally said I can't help you anymore you have to do this on your own and of course he threatned to kill himself but never did. So the bottom line was I was looking for love and the felling to be needed in the wrong places because you can't help someone unless they want to be helped.
I agree with you girls. I was always attracted to the guys hwo needed "help" or "fixing". I always wanted to be the one to help them. The more crazy they were, the more I wanted them. These relationships never lasted long at all, a few months tops. Travis is the first(and only) guy I've dated who hasn't been a "bad boy" and Im soo happy. Im thankful I got pregnant by him, and not one of those guys, because they wouldn't have stuck around. Even before I got pregnant and we got engaged..I knew Travis and I would always be together. We talked about it all the time.
i think for me, i dont feel like i deserve for something good or easy to happen. like it its a great boy, good boy, i feel like something bad is going to happen. and with a bad boy i KNOW its going to happen so im already prepared.
plus, some good boys are way to boring for me, i need some excitement.
I think what happened to me was, that my mom had so many unrealistic ideals for me in High School, that I never dated much. My mom was the complete opposite of me, I was the long hair quasi dreaded volleyball playing hippy. She, the good girl cheerleader.
My first boyfriend was a 'bad boy' we just had more in common than the "jock" my mom thought I should date. He ended up being a complete emotional and physical abusive fuckface. Was my mom right? Should I date guys who had it more together? I dated a few guys in my early twenties, one being "Good guy" well he turned out to be a anti-choice pain in my ass.
I don't eve know where I'm going with this. Bad boys, well what makes a guy a bad boy?
I got to go run an errand, but I'll be following this thread. I'll think about it more tonight. I guess when I was in my late teens early twenties I was rebelling, finally living not under my parents rules, and any kind of "excitement" (ie. bad boy) was a total rush.
ames
When I think of so-called bad boys I imagine a guy who does drugs, parties, sleeps around or is promiscuous, has a complete disregard for feelings of others. I know there's more but that's the only things that came to mind at the moment.
I found a poem on it!
Why do good girls like bad guys........lady In white
Why do good girls like bad guys
is It just A part of life
is It just something we fiend for
or is it just something we can't help to fine
maybe it could be our fate
or maybe your just A bad girl deep down inside
that you try to hide
well I don't know about you girls
but I'm sick of those bad guys
to me their just A wast of time
don't get me wrong they turn me on
but I think I'm going to give the good guys A try
but I bet they got that bad boy streak inside
but we all know us girls are strong
and we can hold our own
we can put up with A lot of things
but sometimes they can push the line
and hurt us inside
so why do good girls like bad guys
well heck
I just like guys
just keep it real with us
and everything will be just fine.......
lady In white
I don't have a clue why I'm attracted to the "bad boys", but I think it has to do with them being a reflection of myself. But I suppress it so that society accepts me with open arms rather than acting like myself. I've been getting better about acting like "myself", but after so many years of my mother always tell me to worry about what others think, it's hard to do. So I've always been attracted to the tough-looking men that would make a granny faint from first glance.
I'm still attracted to the "bad boys"
For me, they are intriguing and strong and I love the "I don't give a fuck" attitude, the only problem is, they usually don't really give a fuck about the girl either. :roll:
::sigh:: yeah I know what you mean...
For me, the dad thing applies. From what I'm told and what I can remember, my dad was a controlling masogonist (probably fucked that spelling).
I've always been attracted to the "bad boys." I don't know what it was about them that intrigued me so much. My first boyfriend was a couple of years older than me and what all of my friends described as the Devil himself. So many things made me want to be with him- he seemed so dangerous and something about him was so alluring- he had pierced his little sister's tongue for her when he was 13, he had been expelled from two schools so far, he was a dealer, he once held up a gas station with a pistol. My other boyfriends after that were pretty much all going down that same road. I used to think they were the shit, they seemed so cool, but now that I look back, I realize that every single minute I spent with them was a threat to my life. One of my boyfriends beat me so badly once that I still have scars all over my shoulders and thighs.
I think the first time I ever actually went on a date with Mercer was the first time I realized that I didn't need to be a part of the "cool, dangerous" crowd. Merce was cool in his own way- a way that didn't threaten my life. Before that, it had always been about fitting in and going with whoever would accept me first.
I know that my former boyfriends didn't even really like me. They used me for sex, whatever. They only wanted me because I would do anything for them. Now I'm surrounding my son with people like my older brother and my uncles... people that will be a positive influence on him. I don't want him to grow up thinking women are inferior to him, thinking that women are property, etc.
G2g Mercer's up.