the father of my kid is coming here this weekend to see him, and its been almost a year since we saw him last. and i'm not sure how to feel about it.
this might sound strange, but i'm not really scared of him anymore. the abuse that he put me through still gives me nightmares, makes me wary of all strangers and especially men, and the pain hasn't lessened in THAT way, but i dunno. he just seems so pathetic now. i also almost pity him, for being so stupid and just walking away from his really amazing son. when we speak on the phone, his voice just seems like he's lost, or lonely, or sort of sad almost. i can see that in his eyes when he does actually come out here too. when he plays with noah, it seems so forced, like he's not really sure what to do, but he has to do SOMETHING cuz shit, thats his kid. heh.
and thats another thing. bd calls himself "daddy." thats how he addresses noah too. "bring the ball to daddy, give daddy a hug," etc. it has enraged me before, but not to the point where i actually was really vocal to him about it. noah was always too young to really notice, i was still so nervous around bd, and i just let it go. thats kind of a pattern for bd and i anyways: he pisses me off and i bite my tongue and let him. bad habit.
especially since now, noah is OBSESSED with daddies. he knows what they are, he sees them at daycare picking up their kids, and on tv, and etc. but he is so confused about where HIS dad is.
its gotten to the point where he asks the guys in the elevator of our building if they're his daddy. he asks the checkout clerk at the grocery store, the guy that came to hook up our cable, and various other ppl. and it breaks my heart. he just looks so confused and lost when he asks them too. poor lil guy :(
should i let him know that bd IS his dad? on one hand, at least he'll know that his daddy does exist, and he actually has one somewhere, and he won't have to go looking for him in the dudes we run into anymore. but on the other hand, bd is notorious for not coming when he says he is, not calling us for months, and has given me VERY little support over the years. could having noah recognize him as his dad, but then realize that his dad never comes around, hurt him more than not knowing where he is at all?
we've only seen bd a handful of times in 3 years. he has not been consistent with child support, and i know from very reliable sources that he has been off doing hard drugs during those long absenses. i do NOT think he deserves the daddy title one single bit, but i also do not think he deserves to like, live. heh.
i'm so lost on this. being a single mom is usually tricky anyways, but when issues like this come up it makes me so confused. i just want to do the best thing for noah, whatever that might be.