the father of my kid is coming here this weekend to see him, and its been almost a year since we saw him last. and i'm not sure how to feel about it.
this might sound strange, but i'm not really scared of him anymore. the abuse that he put me through still gives me nightmares, makes me wary of all strangers and especially men, and the pain hasn't lessened in THAT way, but i dunno. he just seems so pathetic now. i also almost pity him, for being so stupid and just walking away from his really amazing son. when we speak on the phone, his voice just seems like he's lost, or lonely, or sort of sad almost. i can see that in his eyes when he does actually come out here too. when he plays with noah, it seems so forced, like he's not really sure what to do, but he has to do SOMETHING cuz shit, thats his kid. heh.
and thats another thing. bd calls himself "daddy." thats how he addresses noah too. "bring the ball to daddy, give daddy a hug," etc. it has enraged me before, but not to the point where i actually was really vocal to him about it. noah was always too young to really notice, i was still so nervous around bd, and i just let it go. thats kind of a pattern for bd and i anyways: he pisses me off and i bite my tongue and let him. bad habit.
especially since now, noah is OBSESSED with daddies. he knows what they are, he sees them at daycare picking up their kids, and on tv, and etc. but he is so confused about where HIS dad is.
its gotten to the point where he asks the guys in the elevator of our building if they're his daddy. he asks the checkout clerk at the grocery store, the guy that came to hook up our cable, and various other ppl. and it breaks my heart. he just looks so confused and lost when he asks them too. poor lil guy :(
should i let him know that bd IS his dad? on one hand, at least he'll know that his daddy does exist, and he actually has one somewhere, and he won't have to go looking for him in the dudes we run into anymore. but on the other hand, bd is notorious for not coming when he says he is, not calling us for months, and has given me VERY little support over the years. could having noah recognize him as his dad, but then realize that his dad never comes around, hurt him more than not knowing where he is at all?
we've only seen bd a handful of times in 3 years. he has not been consistent with child support, and i know from very reliable sources that he has been off doing hard drugs during those long absenses. i do NOT think he deserves the daddy title one single bit, but i also do not think he deserves to like, live. heh.
any opinions?
i'm so lost on this. being a single mom is usually tricky anyways, but when issues like this come up it makes me so confused. i just want to do the best thing for noah, whatever that might be.
is there any way to explain to N that biologically yes, he has a father, but being a daddy entails sooo much more????
if you are going to let guy see him, than i think it will be very hard to not let him know that guy is his dad.
maybe you all can work out an agreement where as guy has to show a commitment before he can take on the title of daddy to N????
yea, i agree with you. bd SHOULD be around more if he wants to be called daddy. i just don't know if he'll go for it if i ask him not to call himself daddy.
he's pretty self-righteous that way. "hes MY KID TOO ya know." ya. fuck that.
but we have to let him come here. its in our court agreement. and i don't wanna piss him off and have us go back to court, cuz things COULD be worse. (right now he's only allowed 4 hours on 2 consecutive days every 2 months).
heh.
With Toph, he knows who his dad is. I'm in a different situation though, he had his "daddy" (sd) and he's known who he is. SD only came around when it was conveinent for him, or he'd call around the holidays wanting Toph on Christmas morning. (umm.. hell no) I let Toph know who his Daddy was, and then I lied to him. "Your daddy has to work alot. He lives too far away to come see you alot (yeah, half a mile), your daddy's really busy making money" So when Brandon and I started dating, it broke my heart when Toph asked if Brandon could be his Daddy. I told him he'd have to ask B, that was between the two of them. Inside I was torn though. What if B leaves? What if Toph doesn't like him after awhile? What if? What if? What if?
Now SD's easing into our lives, he's called wanting to see Topher about six times in the past five months. I'm wary of letting them form a bond, becuase he's done this before. Become involved, and then disappeared.
The way I kinda think is, tell him who his father is. Tell him where his father is, and what he's doing, but don't speak evilly/hatefully of him. Eventually he'll figure it out on his own. And that might not happen until he's older, but that way you haven't pushed anything on either of them. It's basicaly a choice that BD has to make. I secnd talking with BD about how there needs to be a level of commitment before he's a daddy.
One of the wisest things the squid has ever said is this " So daddy SD is my daddy, and loves me, but not every day. Maybe he loves me everyday, but it's not the same as Daddy B cause he yells at me when I'm bad and gives me cuddles when I cry. So I have two daddys that love me."
Kids are smart. Noah will figure it out. Until then keep your head up and turn to those you can for support. I'm here. Always.
i agree that he doesn't deserve to be called daddy. maybe explain to him there is a difference b/w daddy and father??? tell noah that bd is his father??? thats what he is in the end b/c like was said being a daddy involves so much more but i think thats more than a young kid can grasp...
hey,
I have/ still am going through the same thing with Brayden. ...He has 2 daddies. Daddy Denis (his stepdad) and Daddy Steve (loser boy). ... Brayden actually confronted Denis and asked him to call him his Dad.
The way I looked at it, is that regardless Brayden is going to be let down one way or another and by starting it at a younger age, will help ease him into thinking the truth. ...meaning, "yes NOah, this is your Dad and he lives in BC" ... so from there he will associate his Dad being away, far away. ... and thus eventually not a real Dad meaning one who tucks him into bed at night, reads him stories, plays sports ...etc.
The thing I don't like is the name Dad and Daddy. Daddy indirectly portrays more innocense than saying just Dad. ... therefore, I would start by calling BD, just Dad but only when its absolutely necessary in refering to him.
This is a tricky one, good luck mama.
It is heartbreaking eh. For a couple of years everytime DS met a man called Michael, he would say "Michael is my daddy!" and I've have to tell him that this was a different Michael.
DS has only met bd once, when he was a toddler, and for about 18 months bd would ring ds once a week, from when DS was 3, but then a 5 minute phone call once a week became "Too much" and almost 4 years later we haven't heard from him. No Birthday or Christmas presents, not even a fucking card.
When DS talks about his dad, I answer his questions honestly and nuetrally. I can't say that his dad loves him, because I honestly don't know, and in fact I know that he puts more effort into his friendships then he does into his son.
When DS has said things like "I wish my dad lived with us" I just tell him that when I got pregnant I was ready to be a Mummy, but his dad wasn't ready to be a Daddy, so I chose to be his Parent as well as his Mummy.
It never goes away, but in some ways it has gotten easier. bd is consistent in his avoidance of DS, and I have no regets parenting on my own. I also live in a country with a much better welfare system then the States, and socialised medicine, so that even though I can guarantee bd has more money/more affluent lifestyle, I am able to survive without his financial support.
I'm also over feeling the need to find a replacment "daddy," hell I taught my son to pee standing up by myself!! (Although I had to learn that their supposed to give their penis a wee shake afterwards, to get rid of the last few drops :) ).
Love to all other you single mama's.
My mom explained things to my older sister (who is my 1/2 sister from my mom's first marriage.)
I learned it when I was little too. She would talk about my sister's biological father as her father. And it was like, you look like your father. He is the person you came from, but he chooses to not be your daddy, because being a daddy is about being there for you. It's about reading you your favorite bed-time story for the 300th time, and staying up late when you are sick and can't sleep. Daddies might get mad at you, but they always love you and they don't leave you.
So even when I was a little kid I always thought of it that way. Maybe that will help you.
i dont know what im going to say to my kids when they ask,but just like the other girls suggested,explain to him that yes he is his father but to be a daddy is whole different ball game.i consider my bio dad as my father and my step dad as my DAD.just because of the fact that he stepped up to the plate when mine didnt and he has always been the one there for me.i know itll be hard but girl just try ur best in helping him understand-he might no understand the whole concept right away but he could get the idea of the whole thing.i hope it all works out for u!i consider myself to be the mommy/daddy to my kids.probably the same as you.hope everything goes well...sending my love<3
I think its important for Noah to know that he DOES have a father out there somewhere but I also think that theres got to be a way to explain the concept of father vs. daddy. Daddy is a very personal title that in my opinion needs to be earned. You are not automatically a daddy because your sperm implanted with an egg, ya know? What about telling him things along the lines of all families are different...some families have two mommys, some have two daddys, some have a mommy and a daddy, some have just a mommy or just a daddy. Maybe ask him to draw you a picture of his family...see if he draws just you and him. Praise him on it tell him yes, thats right thats us and family means we love each other, we take care of each other, we play with each other, ect. I'm not really sure how to explain it age appropriately that in order for him to be little Noah it took the help of a father for him to get inside mommys belly to be born and sometimes his father will visit but his family is mommy and whatever members consist of his close family.
It is heartbreaking that he is so confused on where is his daddy, ect. but I think to make things easiest on him you should talk to BD before his visit. Tell him that he has made the choice not to come around and be consistant with his visits with Noah. That Noah is having a really hard time figuring out where is his daddy and just because he comes around every once in awhile does not mean Noah will be understanding or able to consider him his daddy because its just simply not enough time to form an attachment. Tell him that you would appreciate it for Noah's sake that he not refer to himself as "daddy". That you told Noah his "father" was coming which is different than a "daddy". Just flat out tell him you are not trying to insult him but he made the choice to be stripped of the title daddy until he makes a valuable effort to spend more consistant time with Noah. Noah is not at an age yet where he can grasp confusing concepts of why his father can't be there, ect and you don't want to talk negative about his dad, so really one of the only options I can think of is to try to explain the difference between father and daddy and that all families are different and in our family we don't have a daddy but thats okay because we still love each other just the same.
I'm sure there are some childrens books on the subject that might be able to help you two out better. I'll ask my mom and see what she recommends. She has a strong professional background in dealing with these kinds of issues and can probably recommend some really good books that will be on Noahs level. I'll post again after I talk to her. Good luck in this and I hope all works out for you.
well he came over earlier today, and is coming back tomorrow, and this shit is fucking tough. i'm overtired and burnt out from emotional exhaustion, and crying to myself that its not fair.
noah, on the other hand, was elated to finally meet his "dad." he kept stoping whatever he was doing to gaze at bd and say "you my DAD!!!!!" and then grin really huge. finally, he got to meet HIS dad, the elusive character who he couldn't stop talking about but also couldn't even imagine.
i'd like to think that it'll all be ok, but that is damn hard to do when you know the hurt isn't something that will go away anytime soon.
this is so, so hard on me. i hope my kid makes out ok.
I agree with letti mama he doesn't deserve the title dad, which b/w him and noah he aquired... can you prepare noah for the fact that his dad might not be back for awhile... even better yet talk to BD and see if he can tell noah that he won't be back for awhile and that way he can answer all the tough questions that come along with it??? Let me know if you need anything b/c i am here for you if you need it... good luck with tomorrow if you need to vent i'm here for you!!! ::hugs::
kaya, I just want to say that sorry you are going through this. I have never been through it so I cannot offer you any advice. I just wanted to tell you that you are a strong woman and a great mama. You left him for good reason. You are doing the right thing, even though it is hard. Noah is going to be an awesome person. You will both come through this just fine. He has a mama who loves him fiercely, and it is my belief that is all he will ever need. Knowing his Dad, and the shitty way he tries to be one, will only make him a stronger and better person in the long run because he has you to guide him through it. You are doing an excellent job.
You know Kaya, I really think you need a hug! and I would give you one if I was there but I guess for now my advice will have to do....it is just fucking unfair what is going on right now and thats the truth there are no other words to describe it. Noah doesnt deserve to hurt hes just an innocent child and BD doesn't deserve such an awesome innoncent wonderful kid like Noah. I bet it feels so heavy knowing that Noahs elated happiness is going to quickly crash to the ground when his new found "daddy" leaves. Thats fucking rough and you have a right to be pissed and actually it makes me feel more than ever that you have a right to protect Noah from hurt. You are his mother. You spend time with him everyday. You are there for the good for the bad and the ugly. Where has BD been? NOWHERE! So in my opinion that gives him no right to come in and fuck with yours and Noahs emotions. You aren't with him for valid reasons and if he can't make an effort to get there to see Noah regularly then I agree with Jenni make BD tell Noah he isn't coming back for awhile. Make BD feel the pain and watch Noah's whole world shift...not out of trying to get revenge because that is not what I mean I am saying make him say it so that maybe just maybe he can watch Noah's expression and listen to him ask questiions that really have no easy answer and be perplexed on how to answer them for Noah, too. Maybe it will sting enough that he will be causing his son this much future pain and maybe he will make the effort to visit him more and give Noah what he really wants and needs and if not then at least he will know he is the guilty culprit and wont be able to later on twist things into you not allowing him to see Noah, ect. Because when you did let him come for a visit look what happened to Noah he was so crushed, ya know? and that is really not fair to do to a little kid-to any kid for that matter. I don't know what else to say because I know its rough and I bet I can't say anything to take your pain away beacuse nobody wants to see their child hurting but know that I am here for you and if you ever ever want to talk or vent you can pm me or im me because you are not alone in this. You take care and update us on how things are going.