he has a wife now. and a daughter. a family that he chose to stand by, unlike mine.
and its... harder than i thought it would be. he hurt me so much. all i ever wanted was him. i just wanted to be with him and have his baby and make a family. i get so jealous sometimes of dawn n ashley n vickie n aaron n thelia, even. i wanted what they have...
i forgot that stamping emotions down and pretending theyre not there doesnt make them go away. so when i talked to him, it brought a bunch of them all back up again -- the anger, the hurt, the remorse.... i know i was wrong, too. but then i sit there on the phone with him and just let him mindfuck me the same way he ALWAYS did. hes still the same goddamn person. and he makes me feel like the little girl i used to be.
i let him convince me i was the reason he walked out on us. i let him convince me i should feel guilty and sad because it was my fault i missed out on the chance to be with him. and, being totally honest, both with myself as well as everyone else, i wasnt nice to him. i did some things and said some things that could never be taken back. awful things.
but two truths came to me today. the first one is the most powerful: animosity toward me is a TERRIBLE excuse to walk out on your kid. he took out his anger at me on aidan by ditching him. aidan didnt ask to be brought into this world, and he DESERVED for his father to be there for him. it was WAY worse of jake to ditch his kid than anything i could have said to him, especially since aidan was just an innocent baby.
the second one is simply this: i started doing some remembering of my own today. (jake was actually the one who reminded me of some of the terrible things i did to him... but i know i was simply mean then. i was horribly depressed.) and i remembered WHY things went down the way they did... jake was mad about aidans last name. (i gave him my moms last name, not jakes.) but i remember promising jake aidan could have ANY name he wanted to give him -- if he was going to make an effort to be part of his life. and he wasnt. yah, we talked some. but by the second half of my pregnancy, by the time he turned 18... he was already pushing ME away. he was not returning my phone calls and he was not answering when i called him. maybe because he knew i wanted him to come back to me.... maybe because he had already found someone else... maybe (and this is my theory) because his parents were turning him away from me. things were hunky-dorey till i pressured him to tell his family... and the REASON i finally chose to give aidan my moms maiden name is because HE wasnt making any EFFORT! i wanted aidan to have the last name of someone i respected. thats why i didnt give him MY last name.... i have no respect for the name. at the time, i didnt have that respect for the lessman name or the men who carried it. because i was mad about being pushed away myself. and... just maybe aidan got my moms maiden name as a retaliation....
but the fact still remains that no matter the reason for the downfall of mine and jake's relationship, aidan DESERVED to have his father in his life, and JAKE made the choice to dip on him. i would NEVER have kept my son from his father. NEVER.
last night i cried. a bunch. i was feeling the way he wanted me to feel: guilty and sorry for myself. well, i am empowering myself now and i dont feel that way anymore. and he will never be able to make me feel that way again. i have to remember, in whatever future dealings with him i have, that he is a scorpio: a MANIPULATOR. and hes damn good at it. at least with me... he always was. i am still hurt, and i am still angry, but now that ive found him, i refuse to allow that to interfere with whatever relationship we may be able to build between him and his son.
this is from a blog i posted on my myspace page, but i wanted to share it with all of you. i was hoping for some opinions. im kind of upset about the whole situation.
heres the history: my son aj is 3. shortly after i got pregnant, my sons father , who was 17 at the time, moved to california with his family. i had yet to find out about the pregnancy. i, of course, called him and informed him of the situation. we decided i was going to keep the baby and he would move back to colorado when he turned 18. we talked forever, all the time. we would stay up all night long playing pool on the internet, being on the phone and just... hanging out. then he told his parents, at my suggestion. after that, there were no more 5pm to 5am phone calls... he barely called me at all. and if i would call... if i COULD (i wasnt allowed to call his parents house, just his grandparents) he wanted to be all silent and not really talk, so the conversations would last about 5 or 10 minutes. so i was hurt n stopped feeling like he wanted me. after aj was born, j was 18 and still nowhere near on his way to moving out here. we talked 2 or 3 times... on the day my son was born, once a few days later, and i think once about a month later. after that, i never heard from him again. i only had the number and address for his grandparents house and he had moved away. i admit i got slackery and didnt look very hard for him, but i was always findable.
now my son is 3. he understands the concept of a dad and is confused. i dont know how to handle the questions i know are coming, the same ones i answer everytime i meet someone who finds out im (gasp!) a single mom: where's the dad? followed up with: does he know he has a kid? (the first answer has always been "....im not sure..." followed by, "of course!" anyway, i would prefer to not have to answer these questions for my son. i dont want to see the pained look on his face when he finds out he "doesnt have a dad." i want him to have one. so i paid the money to get the unlisted numbers in cali where i thought he was. i found his parents. he called me from an unknown number later in the day and we had a conversation. btu he didnt give me any way to reach him but an email address. do you think he doesnt want to be part of aj's life? he seemed, on the phone, like he didnt think aj shold have to be without him anymore either... i told him i think they both deserve a chance to get to know each other.
but he wants a paternity test. i understand the reasoning but i dont think i should have to pay for it when i already know what its gonna say. but... what if, not having the results of a paternity test, because he cant or doesnt want to pay for it either, inhibits them from getting to know each other? should i pay for it just to get the show on the road? ive procrastinated this long... i dont want to wait anymore for aj to get a chance to know his father. if he doesnt want anything to do with my munchkin, he should say that so i know where this is going... so i know if im sposed to accept it and figure out what im going to say to my son, or if i should look forward to aidan getting to know the other half of his dna....