I am asking this here because I don't really have any where else to ask this. I have been debating with myself whether I even want to post this, but I am looking for help and I have to start somewhere...
I was molested as a child.. pretty young, don't remember most of it, or even who did it, just a few bits of memories dealing with oral sex. Since about the age of 5 I have had a *huge* problem with doctor visits. I absolutely hate to be examined. Not JUST gyn visits, even regulars exams that require any sort of examination. I didn't join sports in school beause I was afraid of a physical. I didn't get on BCP when I became sexually active because I didn't want to have a GYN visit. When I was 15 my mom "forced" me to get on BCP, basically I wasn't allowed to leave the house until I went in for a visit. While living with her, she forced me into these visits every year. After my first visit, I felt as if I had been raped. I stopped eating, was crying constantly, felt suicidal, and felt sick to my stomache every time I thought about it, and even now it makes me feel sick. I had to go to the free clinic, and although the Dr that I saw wasn't horrible, visiting her each year was just a reminder. Things were a little better when I became PG and I got a new Dr since she was pretty good at talking with me in a way that made the exam pass quickly. Giving birth to my first son was horrible, the term "birth rape" bests explains his birth. Although I have blocked out a lot of his birth as well... That lead to a huge drift between my SO and I because he was there and just LET it happen. I remember the nurse kept wanting to put up a mirror and I kept telling her no and she did any way, which I completely blocked out, it was SO telling me later that it happened... I don't remember anything from the Dr rushing in until Karsten was on my chest except a lot of screaming to pusch. I saw a CPM for my last two pregnancies and had a pap during my last pregnancy. It wasn't as bad because it wasn't in a clinical setting, which is a major trigger for my fear. The light, the drape, the stirrups... Just seeing stirrups gives me chills. She runs a birth center, her rooms are all "homey", no exam table, no flourecent lights, no stirr ups. But I still have to completely detach myself in order to get through it.
Any how, I have never really heard of anyone else like me. Some people who know about me and my fear of exams tell me that I should talk to the Dr about it, but part of the problem IS the Dr/clinics/hospitals/etc. I just want to know if any one has heard of anything like this before? I would like to learn more about it because I would like to be able to see a doctor with out feeling completely out of control with fear.
Melissa
This is actually very common for women who have been raped/molested. I post at a different board (mainly for rape survivors) and many of them have this same fear.
I don't have any advice for you because I've never had this problem, but just wanted to let you know your not alone
You could try switching doctors, until you find one you like. It may seem like a dr is a dr but finding someone you click with is very important. I hated my dr at first and thusly, refused to go to her...even when I probably should've. But now that I've been a couple more times, I've found she's not that bad.
Or you could try talking to the dr you have. You could ask that they explain what they're doing each step of the way, so that you're not so in the dark. That way you know what to expect every minute of the exam. I've heard that you can also ask that someone be present in the room with you. If you're comfortable wtih that idea, you could ask a good friend or maybe even a relative to come in to the exam with you. They could talk to you and distract you a bit.
I hope that it works out for you. Good luck!
I am the same way. I cried the first time I had a gyn exam, my mom was with me and the doc was so insensitive. She was like,"be a big girl". fuck you lady, you have no idea what kind of memories i'm thinking of right now.
i don't really know what to tell you, I have avoided any kind of gyn exams since i had my daugther, which i know is not healthy...but i just can't bring myself to go. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this, I am scared of them as well. When I was in the labor/delivery room, I was shaking with fear because of the whole hospital setting and stirrups, and just that icky environment. I hope you find someone to talk to about this, and work through your fears. good luck mama.
Julesmama-
Sorry to hear about your experience w/ your gyn. She sounds completely insensitive. I have done about the same as you although I did convince myself to get a pap while on medicaid this last pregnancy while I was still with my CPM rather than a dr.
Have you ever seeked help/treatment? I did see a counselor (my mom brought me to one after I refused to go to the GYN in the first place) but it felt more like a mom and counselor gang up on me type situation... Needless to say it didn't really help.
SexiMom-
Is the place you post at public or private? I would like to talk to other women like me, but I am not so sure about joining someplace yet.
Melissa
Wow girl!! I have been there. I felt the same way. I REFUSED any exam while pregnant until I had a midwife that insisted. She was really rough and tore me and gave me an infection. I was traumatised to say the least and I wouldn't even let them measure my stomach for awhile. I started seeing one of the doctors in the practice and she was VERY suppotive. She NEVER touched me without my permission and always sat down and listened to me for at least an hour each visit. She wanted me to get a pap after the birth of my son and at first I said no but she promised that if it hurt or I felt uncomfortable she would stop immediatly. I agreed to that and knowing I had complete control over the situation made me feel safer.
Another thing that helped me was having sexual experiences that were safe and enjoyable. I don't see my body as an object that was raped any longer and that has made all the difference to my perception. You can PM me if you want to talk :)
Sorry you had to go through all this...
(((HUGS))) if they feel safe to you.
have you thought of talking to someone now (without your mom)??? Maybe finding a counselor that you can really talk to and like and your mom not being there may help. Sounds like you have a lot of things bottled up and it would probably help to get it out to someone. Just a thought...
Julesmama-
Sorry to hear about your experience w/ your gyn. She sounds completely insensitive. I have done about the same as you although I did convince myself to get a pap while on medicaid this last pregnancy while I was still with my CPM rather than a dr.
No, i haven't ever seen a counselor about it but i think maybe i will. Thankyou for your concern :) yes, she was very insensitive but i never went back to her after that.