I am asking this here because I don't really have any where else to ask this. I have been debating with myself whether I even want to post this, but I am looking for help and I have to start somewhere...
I was molested as a child.. pretty young, don't remember most of it, or even who did it, just a few bits of memories dealing with oral sex. Since about the age of 5 I have had a *huge* problem with doctor visits. I absolutely hate to be examined. Not JUST gyn visits, even regulars exams that require any sort of examination. I didn't join sports in school beause I was afraid of a physical. I didn't get on BCP when I became sexually active because I didn't want to have a GYN visit. When I was 15 my mom "forced" me to get on BCP, basically I wasn't allowed to leave the house until I went in for a visit. While living with her, she forced me into these visits every year. After my first visit, I felt as if I had been raped. I stopped eating, was crying constantly, felt suicidal, and felt sick to my stomache every time I thought about it, and even now it makes me feel sick. I had to go to the free clinic, and although the Dr that I saw wasn't horrible, visiting her each year was just a reminder. Things were a little better when I became PG and I got a new Dr since she was pretty good at talking with me in a way that made the exam pass quickly. Giving birth to my first son was horrible, the term "birth rape" bests explains his birth. Although I have blocked out a lot of his birth as well... That lead to a huge drift between my SO and I because he was there and just LET it happen. I remember the nurse kept wanting to put up a mirror and I kept telling her no and she did any way, which I completely blocked out, it was SO telling me later that it happened... I don't remember anything from the Dr rushing in until Karsten was on my chest except a lot of screaming to pusch. I saw a CPM for my last two pregnancies and had a pap during my last pregnancy. It wasn't as bad because it wasn't in a clinical setting, which is a major trigger for my fear. The light, the drape, the stirrups... Just seeing stirrups gives me chills. She runs a birth center, her rooms are all "homey", no exam table, no flourecent lights, no stirr ups. But I still have to completely detach myself in order to get through it.
Any how, I have never really heard of anyone else like me. Some people who know about me and my fear of exams tell me that I should talk to the Dr about it, but part of the problem IS the Dr/clinics/hospitals/etc. I just want to know if any one has heard of anything like this before? I would like to learn more about it because I would like to be able to see a doctor with out feeling completely out of control with fear.