ok so last week bd and i were talking about everything that has happened. i explained to him after what he did in my bed to me that i dont trust him around me or my children. i explained that his past decisions he has made (with kids) has made me concerned about his parenting choices. i made it clear that he either shapes up and gets his life in gear, or he needs to leave completely. i gave him until tonight to give me an answer. he called me right at 8pm, after i got out of co-op.. we talked for a half hr.. first words outta his mouth were "get childsupport dropped". he doesnt want to be in their life anymore. and i told him i have no problem stopping child support (he doesnt pay anyways!) but i am emotionally and physically done with him. i love him, i always will but i CANNOT keep going down this road with him... he has hurt me numerous times, and he is starting with the kids as well... i had to put a stop to it.. but i still feel so bad. i know its because i grew up with a dad half ass in my life, but still.. its so hard. :(
I am so sorry mama! Sometimes its better without him, its just sad he chose staying as he is over his children. I hope you and the girls do ok with this.
You don't need to be with him mama. I'm sorry this is hard for you.
However, it is his responsibility to pay child support even if he is not in their lives, and I would suggest continuing to try for it even if he isn't paying now.
He can choose to not be in his children's lives, but for the most part, he can't choose to stop paying child support. He created the children and it is his responsibility to continue to support them even if he chooses to be an asshat and not see them.
I'm really sorry that this is the decision he has made.
Mama I'm sorry that this is how he chose things to be.
He can choose not to be in their life but he does have to take responsibility financially for them either way.
And it's he who will be missing out on the kids. And if that's how he wants to be, you probably don't want them around him anyway.
I agree with everyone else. Drop him, keep the support.
I'm with everyone else on the support part. and the getting rid of him thing too.
you are such a strong person. I know it's hard but you can do it. I hope it goes well for you and your kids.
Ugh, I know how this sucks. This reminds me of my relationship with my ex. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Be strong, mama!
I can obviously understand where everyone is coming from about it being his responsibility to have to pay CS even if he doesn't see the kids. But at the same time, my ex was messing around about when he would come to see DD, he would call and cancel all the time, he was trying to use her to manipulate me, etc, when she was a newborn, and then he went awhile without seeing her, and I realized that at that point, if he heard from his lawyer saying that he owed me money, he would come back into our lives to make me pay for it through DD. So I haven't gone after CS, and I don't intend to. It sucks knowing that he gets away with his asshole-ness, but at the same time, if that's what keeps him away from my DD and from trying to screw us around, then I'm totally ok with not seeing a penny from him. *Shrugs* Anyways I'm not by any means saying that this is the best solution in your case; I just wanted to demonstrate why a mama may choose not to go after CS, b/c it didn't seem like that side was being covered. :)
Visitation and CS are not connected. Paying support does not give someone the right to visitation, just as not paying support does not prevent someone from visiting their child.
Even with court ordered CS, he would still have to go to court for visitation rights. Alot of times they set these at the same time, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Momnipotent, I can see where you're coming from. Some guys want visitation with kids they don't really care about just to be assholes becasuse they're mad about paying child support. It's like they want pay-back or something.
When you apply for foodstams they ask if you are afraid of bd becoming violent or dangerous if court ordered to pay. I said "maybe" and they closed the c/s case to protect me and my child. He is incarcerated right now, but if he gets out and gets a job, does anyone know if I can try to get child support? Or did that absolve him of responsibilities?
You can go after CS at any point before the child turns 18, just as it can be modified at any point as well. The child support would not be retroactive, it would only start from the day you filed for it.
So if I file for it tomorrow does that mean that if he ever begins to pay it will be retroactive from the time I file? I thought it would be silly to file if he's still in prison, but maybe I should?
bd has visitation rights through court right now.. but because he keeps violating me, and doing very immature/dangerous things with the girls, i dont want them going with him. he claims i am the love of his life.. well if that were true, he wouldnt continuously hurt me and violate me... so it scares me when he says he loves them. i gave him the option to stay and be dragged through a long court hearing, or go and just LEAVE. he left. he hates court, but i am not comfortable sending the girls.. today was the first day he hasnt seen them.. jaiden was asking where daddy was.. he called this morning crying and what not and i was like whatever. i told jaiden he was sick.. i dunno what to say to her or how to explain it to her? because really, legally at any time he can turn around and show up on a sunday with the police and i have to hand them over... i highly doubt he would tho, because he knows id drag him thru the long court process. but my problem now is, how do i explain it to jaiden without making him sound terrible?? i dont want to make him sound like a hero or anything either, but be able to explain it in her terms, and truthful.
i dont care about the money... really because if he goes, he goes. he can take his money with him. he told me this morning he doesnt want to stop paying, which is fine, since he never pays it anyways and always works under the table so i dont see a dime anyways... its more of a hassle than its worth..
When Zoe began asking questions about why her dad never showed up (or hardly showed up), I sat down with her and had a talk about how her dad loves her very much but that sometimes grownups need time to go learn to be better grownups and that is what her dad is doing.
We talk a lot about mental health issues (I have depression, as does my partner), and I have explained that her bio-dad has a sickness in his brain (because I do believe that it is his mental health that makes it so that he is unable to be a good father), and he is unable to be fully there. But, that she is with me and we are surrounded by people who love us, and who can be there for us.
I talk to her a lot about how her bio-dad not being here is NOT her fault, that she did NOTHING wrong (because little kids internalize EVERYTHING because there really is no people outside of themselves), and that her bio-dad is just unable to be a good parent to her.
Katg, did you ever run into the why? like why cant he be a good dad to me? etc? cuz i know i will run into that..
Yeah, I totally got that question.
Really, for me, it goes back to his mental health. I try to be really open and honest with Zoe about mental health stuff (because she is going to be dealing with it as she gets older as well).
I explain to her that her dad has a sickness in his head, which makes it so he has a really, really hard time being a good father to her. But, the sickness does NOT make it so that he doesn't love her.
We talk a lot about how our bodies are affected by different things (food, sleep, etc.) and I explained that just like when we our bodies are sick and we are unable to do things (run around, go to school, etc.), when our minds are sick we are unable to do things as well.
I talk to her about my mental health, and explain that although I have depression, that I am working very hard to get the care (from my therapist instead of a doctor), and take the medicine that I need to take, and that I am working to make sure that I am doing things that will help me to control the desiese (exorcise, light therapy, etc.).
She has asked my why her dad doesn't do those things, and I was completely honest with her and told her that I didn't know.
I think that it is important to be honest with kids, without being brutal -- even when you're angry. If you really don't know why he is being an ass, then tell them you don't know why. Answer all their questions honestly, and be willing to talk to them about their feelings.
It's fucking heart-breaking. They are going to be hurt. I have had many conversations with Zoe, about how she is feeling, where I ended up crying because it broke my heart that this man could do this to my little girl.
Zoe had cried a lot as well, but I feel like she has also been able to move on with her life because I was able to give open and honest answers to her.
*************POSSIBLE SEXUAL ABUSE TRIGGER****************
yeah, i am going to sit down with her this week, maybe tomorrow after school and talk to her about it.. im just worried because i feel guilty for making him go. i know he loves them and he wants to be a dad, but he isnt capable of it. and i know, who am i to judge that.. but when he makes comments like "emma has a wide spread" or puts jaiden in a cab without a carseat (when she was approx. 20 months old) and wants me not to bath them so he can on his ONE day a wk with them.. stuff like that really bothers me. but theres alot more to it as well, and i dunno, i feel super guilty about it so i think that is what is making it that much harder to explain it. i feel like it is all my fault, and part of it is.. for telling him to go but it was HIS decisions that brought me to that conclusion..
IMHO if he is saying those things, You are way better off keeping them away from him. Have you had the "Good touch Bad Touch" discussion with them?
yes, and i dont think he as done anything, its more of just the way he words things... but it rubs me the wrong way.
Yea, I understand, It would rub me the wrong way too. Just make sure you know whats going on, ya know?