bd again

I am so sorry mama! Sometimes its better without him, its just sad he chose staying as he is over his children. I hope you and the girls do ok with this.

You don't need to be with him mama. I'm sorry this is hard for you. However, it is his responsibility to pay child support even if he is not in their lives, and I would suggest continuing to try for it even if he isn't paying now.

He can choose to not be in his children's lives, but for the most part, he can't choose to stop paying child support. He created the children and it is his responsibility to continue to support them even if he chooses to be an asshat and not see them. I'm really sorry that this is the decision he has made.

Mama I'm sorry that this is how he chose things to be. He can choose not to be in their life but he does have to take responsibility financially for them either way. And it's he who will be missing out on the kids. And if that's how he wants to be, you probably don't want them around him anyway.

I agree with everyone else. Drop him, keep the support.

I'm with everyone else on the support part. and the getting rid of him thing too. you are such a strong person. I know it's hard but you can do it. I hope it goes well for you and your kids.

Ugh, I know how this sucks. This reminds me of my relationship with my ex. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Be strong, mama! I can obviously understand where everyone is coming from about it being his responsibility to have to pay CS even if he doesn't see the kids. But at the same time, my ex was messing around about when he would come to see DD, he would call and cancel all the time, he was trying to use her to manipulate me, etc, when she was a newborn, and then he went awhile without seeing her, and I realized that at that point, if he heard from his lawyer saying that he owed me money, he would come back into our lives to make me pay for it through DD. So I haven't gone after CS, and I don't intend to. It sucks knowing that he gets away with his asshole-ness, but at the same time, if that's what keeps him away from my DD and from trying to screw us around, then I'm totally ok with not seeing a penny from him. *Shrugs* Anyways I'm not by any means saying that this is the best solution in your case; I just wanted to demonstrate why a mama may choose not to go after CS, b/c it didn't seem like that side was being covered. :)

Visitation and CS are not connected. Paying support does not give someone the right to visitation, just as not paying support does not prevent someone from visiting their child. Even with court ordered CS, he would still have to go to court for visitation rights. Alot of times they set these at the same time, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Momnipotent, I can see where you're coming from. Some guys want visitation with kids they don't really care about just to be assholes becasuse they're mad about paying child support. It's like they want pay-back or something.

When you apply for foodstams they ask if you are afraid of bd becoming violent or dangerous if court ordered to pay. I said "maybe" and they closed the c/s case to protect me and my child. He is incarcerated right now, but if he gets out and gets a job, does anyone know if I can try to get child support? Or did that absolve him of responsibilities?

[quote="MamaButterfly"]When you apply for foodstams they ask if you are afraid of bd becoming violent or dangerous if court ordered to pay. I said "maybe" and they closed the c/s case to protect me and my child. He is incarcerated right now, but if he gets out and gets a job, does anyone know if I can try to get child support? Or did that absolve him of responsibilities?[/quote] You can go after CS at any point before the child turns 18, just as it can be modified at any point as well. The child support would not be retroactive, it would only start from the day you filed for it.

So if I file for it tomorrow does that mean that if he ever begins to pay it will be retroactive from the time I file? I thought it would be silly to file if he's still in prison, but maybe I should?

When Zoe began asking questions about why her dad never showed up (or hardly showed up), I sat down with her and had a talk about how her dad loves her very much but that sometimes grownups need time to go learn to be better grownups and that is what her dad is doing. We talk a lot about mental health issues (I have depression, as does my partner), and I have explained that her bio-dad has a sickness in his brain (because I do believe that it is his mental health that makes it so that he is unable to be a good father), and he is unable to be fully there. But, that she is with me and we are surrounded by people who love us, and who can be there for us. I talk to her a lot about how her bio-dad not being here is NOT her fault, that she did NOTHING wrong (because little kids internalize EVERYTHING because there really is no people outside of themselves), and that her bio-dad is just unable to be a good parent to her.

Yeah, I totally got that question. Really, for me, it goes back to his mental health. I try to be really open and honest with Zoe about mental health stuff (because she is going to be dealing with it as she gets older as well). I explain to her that her dad has a sickness in his head, which makes it so he has a really, really hard time being a good father to her. But, the sickness does NOT make it so that he doesn't love her. We talk a lot about how our bodies are affected by different things (food, sleep, etc.) and I explained that just like when we our bodies are sick and we are unable to do things (run around, go to school, etc.), when our minds are sick we are unable to do things as well. I talk to her about my mental health, and explain that although I have depression, that I am working very hard to get the care (from my therapist instead of a doctor), and take the medicine that I need to take, and that I am working to make sure that I am doing things that will help me to control the desiese (exorcise, light therapy, etc.). She has asked my why her dad doesn't do those things, and I was completely honest with her and told her that I didn't know. I think that it is important to be honest with kids, without being brutal -- even when you're angry. If you really don't know why he is being an ass, then tell them you don't know why. Answer all their questions honestly, and be willing to talk to them about their feelings. It's fucking heart-breaking. They are going to be hurt. I have had many conversations with Zoe, about how she is feeling, where I ended up crying because it broke my heart that this man could do this to my little girl. Zoe had cried a lot as well, but I feel like she has also been able to move on with her life because I was able to give open and honest answers to her.

IMHO if he is saying those things, You are way better off keeping them away from him. Have you had the "Good touch Bad Touch" discussion with them?

Yea, I understand, It would rub me the wrong way too. Just make sure you know whats going on, ya know?