things have just been getting weirder and harder. i just got out on my own, with my boyfriend and the kids, but i can't seem to keep it together. i've got money coming in, but we either smoke it all, or it just disappears. I just keep fucking up, and getting fucked up, and it's getting out of control. the kids are relatively healthy and fed, and i usually think to change their clothes before i take them back to daycare. but, i'm scared to open the door at my apartment, i'm afraid someone will call social services because my house is trashed, i have no furniture, theres dishes and beer bottles everywhere, it smells like pot...right now, right in front of me, there are six beer bottles, two rotten baby bottles, four dirty plates covered in cigarette butts, a plate with two joints, scissors, and a kitchen knife on it. i know i'm not maintaining a safe home for my kids, i know i'm not being a good parent, but i can't seem to stop getting trashed. if my boyfriend wants something, i can't seem to say no, and i'lll drag the kids out of bed and take them to the store at 3 am and spend all my foodstamps on party food cause we got the munchies.
i knwo i need help. but, i don't know where to go to get it, i'm scared i'll get in trouble and lose my kids and lose y job and lose my financial aid, so i want to try and do it on my own, but i can't. i'll say one day that i'm gonna clean the house and fix them some dinner and we'll start smoking outside, but it doesn't happen. i just stick them in front of the tv and do my own thing.