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out of control

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AnonymousMama
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things have just been getting weirder and harder. i just got out on my own, with my boyfriend and the kids, but i can't seem to keep it together. i've got money coming in, but we either smoke it all, or it just disappears. I just keep fucking up, and getting fucked up, and it's getting out of control. the kids are relatively healthy and fed, and i usually think to change their clothes before i take them back to daycare. but, i'm scared to open the door at my apartment, i'm afraid someone will call social services because my house is trashed, i have no furniture, theres dishes and beer bottles everywhere, it smells like pot...right now, right in front of me, there are six beer bottles, two rotten baby bottles, four dirty plates covered in cigarette butts, a plate with two joints, scissors, and a kitchen knife on it. i know i'm not maintaining a safe home for my kids, i know i'm not being a good parent, but i can't seem to stop getting trashed. if my boyfriend wants something, i can't seem to say no, and i'lll drag the kids out of bed and take them to the store at 3 am and spend all my foodstamps on party food cause we got the munchies.

i knwo i need help. but, i don't know where to go to get it, i'm scared i'll get in trouble and lose my kids and lose y job and lose my financial aid, so i want to try and do it on my own, but i can't. i'll say one day that i'm gonna clean the house and fix them some dinner and we'll start smoking outside, but it doesn't happen. i just stick them in front of the tv and do my own thing.

SativaStarr
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Hugs Mama, it sounds like you are going through a really rough time right now. I can definitely relate to your situation, however I dont really feel comfortable posting it on the public boards.. If you feel comfortable with it, please PM me and we can talk.

Amy Rox
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you sound really anxious and i can understand why- like you said, things feel out of control right now. you mentioned you have been taking small steps toward standing up to your boyfriend and saying "no," and even if you aren't there yet, good for you for being able to distance yourself mentally. you do have a good reason to be anxious- as you said, it is not safe for your kids to be there under the circumstances you described.

what kind of support do you have? do you have any relatives or friends nearby? if not, you can still get though this- you're gonna have to fight like hell to get out of this situation, but it sounds like you are up for it. you can do this, and yes it will be hard but what are your other options? you said you are afraid of losing your financial aid- well, this semster is almost over so you can finish it all the while making a plan to leave the day you are done. arrange something with your job NOW, confidentially, that you'll need a specific upcoming week off. if you make a plan, and you can lay all these things out for yourself, when the day comes you'll take the kids, and go. stay with a friend, contact a shelter in advance, buy a bus ticket- whatever you need to do, do it.

you sound very self-aware to me, and this is such a strength, i hope you know it and feel good about that. you know yourself, that you have trouble saying no and that your children need you, they need more. these are really big issues that you can face, that you will have to face at one time or another. as time goes on though, it's only going to get worse and your biggest fear may come true- from what you have described, it does sound like you may be in danger of losing the kids. so you need to make a decision soon. these agencies and courts are much more lenient if the parent is actively involved in improving their life, and the desire is there, so if you need the help please ask for it. myself or any of the mods are willing to assist you in finding local resources, if need be. you don't have to do this alone, we are here for you.

CanadianMamma
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I can relate to a lot of those feelings as well. Like pp, I don't feel comfortable discussing them on the public board, but if you're comfortable you can send me a pm as well.

mamatessa
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I know what you are going thru. I went thru something similar with a much worse drug when Ian was little. We'd stay up all night and sleep all day and let Ian run around. I was never hungry and would forget to feed Ian lunch a lot. I feel absolutely horrible about it. Finally I sat my DH down and talked to him about not being very good parents. We cleaned it up and went to counceling and helped each other out. It was hard, but just reconizing that you need help is a good thing. Is there any NA meetings where you are? Good luck and pm me if you want to talk some more. Good luck sweetie.

katie87
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you can PM me if you want, and i have a suggestion, its a small one but i think it will help a little. If you smoke weed, find a spot and put all weed related materials there. scissors (im assuming thats y u had them) papers, alll weed itself, and any other contraband. its so important to just keep it out of site. find a container and keep it on top of your fridge, or anywhere and after you smoke put everything back and put it in a sopt out of reach of your kids.

that will reduce the risk of your kids getting hurt or ingesting the weed. also, put a recycling bin outside your door and throw the cans in the bin as you go.

i know these are not what you are looking for probably but these tips could reduce some of the immediate dangers to your kids like cuts from the cans/bottles and again keeping the weed out of their reach. it will also make your house a little cleaner.

i smoke weed sometimes and when i do i either wait until someone else its watching my daughter, or when she is sleeping i smoke in my attic or sometimes a spare bedroom i have with the door closed and windows open.

another important suggestion is that is you smoke in the house, make it a room your kids do not go in, put a towel under the door and crack a window. do not leave the door open after you smoke bc it will enter teh rest of your house. maybe get some febreeze to cover the smell.

i of course think that quitting the drinking and drugs would be best but i know that you may continue your usage so i think these tips are important to make your household a little safer. good luck mama and i can relate if you need to PM me .

katie87
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also it seems like the 2 of you may be feeding off eachother and increasing eachothers usage. sometimes when 2 friends/ lovers both use a substance it can increase your useage just bc you are together and both have cravings.

candy-eyed
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Fist off, I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. Second, you are strong, period. It must have taken a lot to write that out, anonymous mama or not, that must have been difficult to sit down and pour out.

Recognizing the fact that you need help is a huge asset to you and your family. I know it seems out of control to you and that feeling is scary. I know you are probably worried about being judged if you ask for help or worse, having your children taken from you. The whole thin is a lot to handle.

Is there anyone around you who could take your children for a weekend so you could re-focus yourself? Have the time to clean up your apartment and re-evaluate what you need? Is there an agency near you that provides respite relief?? There is one in my city that allows you to drop your children off for free for set amounts of time. You do need to talk to a social worker but the point is to help families before it gets to the point they need to remove children.

I also suggest removing contraband from your house, as hard as that is, if it isn't there, you can't be doing it and a bit of detox might help you clear up some things in your own head.

Good luck girl

katg
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If you send me a PM where you are, I can help you find low-cost/sliding scale therapy.

It sounds like you're going through a really rough time. You know what the right things to do are, but you are having a hard time getting there. I think that therapy would help you be able to break the habit, as well as stand up to your boyfriend and start taking care of yourself as well as your kiddos.

I know when I'm massivly depressed, I have a really hard time doing easy things (the dishes, taking out the garbage, etc.) and my house can get so bad that I dnot' like opening my door either b/c I'm afraid that someone will call cps on me.
For me, telling myself that I will wash just one dish and then doing just that one dish can help me feel better in a weird way. Sometimes I end up washing more than one dish, and sometimes I don't.

Do you have some friends who aren't using? Do you think that you could confide in them and have them come and help you clean? I have two friends who I will allow to come over to my house and help me clean it. It was super hard for me to ask them, but they have been so helpful to me when I get stuck in the really dark parts of my life.

Can you dumpster some furniture? Here, folks leave furniture by the garbages and on the side of the road a lot. Craigs list is also a great place to get stuff.

lexi2007
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I don't know your family situation but sometimes family is more then happy to give people some of their old things like chairs tables etc. That could help boost your happiness a little. And maybe just try to take one thing at a time. Sometimes when our house gets out of control I just have to think about one thing at a time. (Like one dish at a time, above). I agree about trying to put all of your paraphanelia in one place in some type of thing, and maybe try smoking in just your bedroom or something. Talk to your SO about cutting down, and maybe he feels the same way as you. If not, just work on cutting down yourself. Even that will help. Just take things slowly and one at a time, don't try to do everything at once. It will take a long time, but you just have to try to keep at it. Believe me, keeping a house clean is hard work for me, and there are days were I feel like just giving up, and there are somedays that I don't work on it. But if you try to do things slowly it will be a lot easier. It will help out a lot if you don't smoke as much also, because when you smoke it tends to make you not want to do anything but sit there. :D I hope you are doing okay. Like others said, it took a lot to write this all out for people to read and just that in itself is a big step.

tricia
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I want to ask this to the people who posted up thread about hiding the pot or smoking with the doors blocked and windows open, how you think that would be helpful? Shame on you.

My advice to the OP is to GET THE HELP YOU NEED. You are clearly calling out for help and it is clear (at least from your post) that you realize that what you are doing is unhealthy and unsafe at the very least.

Do whatever it takes to get your head on straight and do what it takes. It was strong of you to post that you needed help, the follow through will be even harder, but when you are looking back on this time (and I hope you get to a point where you can look back at this time, from somewhere better.) you realize how far you came, and how to never get there again.

good luck and if you need someone to talk to, I am available.

debdogg
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I don't have much advice but just wanted to wish you well and tell you how strong I think you are for posting.

I don't know if I can be of any help, I am in Connecticut. If I am close (I can help clean or watch your kids while you clean ) or able to help in any way (i can watch craigslist for free items in your area you might need) please pm or email me.

.

Good luck, keep your chin up, you can make changes for the better, trust in yourself.

MamaButterfly
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That would be helpful by getting it away from the children. It's just a step in the right direction. If she gets it away from the children, there will be less danger of them getting a hold of it. I think it is good (in the meantime) advice.

I have been there, mama. I would suggest just spending some time at the house alone or with your partner, without the kids there, cleaning up and creating a system so you can keep your house safer.

When I was married I was in a situation like this, and I remember we dropped my daughter off with a friend one day, drank a bunch of coffee, and spent the whole day cleaning up. We got a tubberware container to keep unsafe items in, and put a trash can right outside the back door so we could just toss things out as we went. It helped a lot, and my house was a lot safer. Also, try starting by making rules for yourself, like, I will not smoke until I complete this task, I will not drink until I put the kids to bed, etc.

Putting notes around always helps me stick to the rules I make for myself also. Like, I have been using the computer way too much and neglecting my house, so this morning I put a checklist of things I had to do before using the computer right on the keyboard so I wouldn't be able to ignore it. I got the tasks done much more quickly than I thought I would, and here I am. and I don't even feel guilty for being here, like I often do. You could do the same thing, but put all your paraphenelia in a tubberware box and put your checklist right on top of it. If I don't feel up to doing the whole checklist, I'll at least do one or two things, and just seeing the line through them makes me feel better and more motivated to complete the rest of the tasks next time I see the list.

katie87
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i think you owe me an apology tricia.

i suggested what i did because those things could increase safety in her household, i also said the best thing to do would be to quit everything, but i know that sometimes doesnt happen as quickly and perfectly as we'd like, so those things would help reduce risk to her children in the meantime.

CanadianMamma
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tricia wrote:
I want to ask this to the people who posted up thread about hiding the pot or smoking with the doors blocked and windows open, how you think that would be helpful? Shame on you.

I think it IS helpful because if she isn't able to jump right in and change everything right away (as in I'm never going to smoke pot again), at least she's making steps to keep her children safe while she works on it.

If you're trying to quit smoking pot and the process going slow for you, or you backslide a bit, and you smoke it in your living room or leave things where the kids could get into it, it's going to make you feel a whole hell of a lot worse about the situation.

But if you slip and smoke a little away from the kids and you've made sure that you've got everything out of their reach, then you only have to feel bad about slipping. That's a whole hell of a lot less guilt to work through and it'll be easier to pick yourself back up and try again.

Not everyone can just say that they need help and flip a light bulb in their head making their addictions go away and old habits die. If this mama can do that, awesome! But if she can't, what's wrong with encouraging her to make sure she's keeping her children as safe as possible while she works on it?

I know myself, I discussed some issues and admitted that I need help months ago, and I'm just now finding the strength to reach out a little bit and make some of the more serious changed that need to be made. It's a huge battle to try to regain control of your life, and usually you can't do everything all at once.

lexi2007
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Tricia it is not okay to shame people on here. The OP never said that she did want to quit smoking, she said she wanted to make it safer for her children. And we are giving her suggestions for this. Yes, it may be better for her to quit smoking, but do you know how hard it is to do? It is not just as easy as saying you will quit and doing it. Please do not judge the women on this board.

naivete
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Lexi if you're going to be a mod, why don't you familiarize yourself with how this place actually works? GM is not a spot for blind support, never has been (and seeing as tricias been a huge source of support on this board for like oh uhm, 6 years or so, she knows too), and if women are in unsafe situations or their children are in unsafe situations it has always been the place that says outright, you need to change, your situation needs to change.

Obviously this woman's addictions are beyond her control, she's putting her children's health and safety at risk and cannot control her own life, the correct response for that is not to make slight adjustments but let her face reality that it needs to change and do a 180, and we can help her through that. She needs to face that fact, which she cannot do if we're all tiptoeing around it. Yes moving it helps her kids, but it does absolutely nothing to help her or the situation, it's a bandaid solution to a serious addiction, and her kids will not be safe and healthy unless she helps herself and switches her situation.

naivete
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Quote:
It is not just as easy as saying you will quit and doing it.

and it CAN be. I was heavily addicted to meth for 4 years, and you know what it took? Not someone teaching me how to hide it from my parents, but realizing that I needed to just quit and do it. It should be the first approach, the first support, not just "oh well you probably can't quit so here's how you can hide it.."

naivete
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And to the OP:

You need to sober up, get rid of the boyfriend if he's enabling you, you need to look out first and foremost for yourself and your children.

Do you have relatives near you that you can admit this to? That will take the children while you can go through a detox program and get things in order so they aren't in an unsafe space while you're working through it? There is no shame in asking for help, and your success of quitting is dependant on asking for help. Social services doesn't usually look negatively upon parents who recognize a problem and are proactive in fixing it, it's when there's a problem and it's not being addressed, usually those who are proactive in changing their lives are viewed upon positively, because it's hard to admit there's a problem and it's even harder to change it, and if you can do that then that proves you are a WONDERFUL parent.

tricia
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there was no judgment in my reply. but thanks,

and no I won't apologize for saying that I think that it is wrong to encourage the OP to continue with unsafe behavior in a safer way. I don't think that encouraging anyone to break the law or practice unsafe behaviors is what they need. (In fact, I know that is usually what they need the least.) An addict usually does not need someone to find a reason for them to continue their behavior, they can usually do that on their own, most do need for someone to tell them it is okay or beneficial to quit, and here is why. I will never ever ever, tell someone to break the law, but to do it safer, I will tell them they are strong, for admitting that they have a problem, and work with them to fix the problem

kaya
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i agree that harm reduction is useful. but it isn't everything.

what really concerns me, OP, is that you said you "just can't seem to say no" to your boyfriend. he seems like a huge part of this whole issue. even if you put the drugs and the booze out of sight or up high, even if you drank coffee and cleaned up, even if you made to do lists and stuck to them, would it even work? none of those things can compete with a controlling partner or an addiction.

figure out what you want. do you want whatever it is you are getting from your boyfriend that makes you neglect your kids and yourself? if so, you are doing everything right. someone who convinces you to do things that mean other people suffer, like your children who didn't ask for any of this, is not a good person. what is it about the boyfriend that keeps you coming back for more? what was life like before him? when did it all start unraveling and falling apart? what can you do to get it back together?

pot isn't an innocent drug. my bd sounds a lot like your boyfriend. the difference is that i didn't really like him beforehand anyways so when he started spiraling out of control with pot i took that (and the other abuse that was getting worse) very seriously and kicked him out. it was hard, which sounds weird but you probably know what i mean.

if you are addicted then you need to get help. you need to look at what you are doing, seriously look at it, and create a desire to want more. i think you have already started doing that. find out where there is an NA or AA meeting nearby you. call the kids help phone. call a crisis line. look in the phone book if you have one or online in your community and look at every possible option where someone might answer the phone and help you. call shelters. call the hospital. call SOMEONE.

the way you are living right now WILL do you in. pretty much the only thing you can count on is having it all fall apart before your eyes, if you keep it up. daycare workers notice. neighbours notice. kids get hurt. this is not okay and you know it. how can you go about changing it?

take it one thing at a time. hug your kids and put them to bed in a clean bed. make a phone call to someone who can help (and no one is ever truly alone, you just have to be willing to look, or pm one of the mamas who can help you look). ask yourself why you are with a guy who you state is the reason you mistreat your children. open the window. make the decision to make it all change and do it.

naivete
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Quote:
I don't think that encouraging anyone to break the law or practice unsafe behaviors is what they need. (In fact, I know that is usually what they need the least.)

word word word tricia. If that's what we did we'd be just as enabling as her boyfriend is. GM is not about enabling serious problems.

SativaStarr
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Naivete and Tricia: The last thing this mama needs is people creating drama in this thread. It probably took an enormous amount of effort to muster up the courage to post this and you come along and start calling people out creating dramatic BS. Knock it off, your not helping people, your only driving them away!

Katie I think gave some great advice. Have you ever used marijuana? Do you know first hand what the OP is dealing with? And Naivete, you cant compare meth to pot.. its a whole different ball game. And to expect her to just give it up and quit becasue a couple of snarky girls come in and say so isnt the fucking answer either.

We are here to support.. and Im sorry but smoking pot in itself isnt going to inherently harm her kids. So by giving harm reduction advice we are helping.. probably far more than those of you who are saying she just needs to quit cold turkey. You make it sound so simple naivete, but for most it isnt like that. You dont know the OP's situation and you dont know her reasons for using.. maybe she has legitamate reasons (in case you forgot marijuana does have alot of genuine medicinal properties). And yes, it may be illegal, but does that alone make it inherently bad? Obviously the OP feels out of control and we are trying to help her regain that.

To the OP: Please feel free to pm me if you havent already been scared away. We really arent all so judgmental and Id love to be here to listen and support you.

Now get off your fucking high horses (and you know who you are..)

lexi2007
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I agree completly Amanda. And just a thought, she's written under annonymousmama, How do you know she's not somewhere where it ISN'T illegal?!

naivete
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Big sigh.

There is a big difference between recreational use and addiction. Addiction is where it has a NEGATIVE IMPACT to your life and to the lives around you.

If this were about recreational use, you'd be right. But it's not. Her life is being badly negatively impacted, her children's lives are negatively impacted, this is addiction. There is no recreational use to addiction, therefore it is absolutely useless to devise ways to enable her to keep doing it, because all that will do? Keep negatively impacting her life.

naivete
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and it's not about high horses, oh dramariffic one, it's about not enabling someone who is reaching out for help. That will not help her. No one is judging her, insulting her, or being mean to her, so quit with it already.

tricia
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so as to not totally derail the anonymous mama thread, I thought that we could move the discussion over here, as the OP there needs support not people talking in her thread.

http://www.girl-mom.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=26968

debdogg
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Sometimes it is easiest to take it one step at a time. It can be scary to quit everything cold turkey, best?, probally yah, but sometimes little steps can be so much easier.

I think everyone here wants the same for the OP, to get things under control, and for her to live in a healthy safe enviroment with her kids.

How she gets there is up to her, the important thing is that she gets there.

If it starts by keeping all the drug stuff up and away from the kids, and cleaning up one dish, or one room at a time, and the next day doing another room, that's a great start, and will hopefully lead to getting all the drugs out of the house and having a clean safe enviroment for her kids.

For me when I left a situation like that I comforted myself by saying "I can always see him again" and then when you are out of the situation you see things more clearly and dont want to go back. (I hope I'm not stepping on toes because it is a lot easier to leave without kids)

Either way to the OP, we are all here to support you. Pick a solution that works for you make a plan, with a result you want to get to, and get there in a way that works for you.

Amy Rox
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ashleykins wrote:
Sometimes it is easiest to take it one step at a time. It can be scary to quit everything cold turkey, best?, probally yah, but sometimes little steps can be so much easier.

It can be scary to take any step at all, but this woman is strong- she has shown initiative by posting here for help in the first place.

debdogg
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very true

kuntish
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I wanna say that it's sooooooo awesome that you do actually realise that this is a problem. That is always the first step.

Like others have said, there is NO shame whatsoever in admitting you're finding it difficult to cope. If you do go to Social Services for help, that will go in your favour - the fact that you're actively seeking help of your own accord.

I can't really offer anything that other's haven't but you can feel free to PM me too if you're comfortable with that.

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