So.. everytime i get into a realtionship, I think im an okay girlfriend but im way too sarcastic and make jokes about everything to the point where there really mean and hurtful because i do it so much. idk what it is. I think its because im a little self consious about my body so i try to be funny to hide it, and make myself feel better. its not working so well for me. most of my past boyfriends say i was mean and selfish and that i say things that you shouldn't say to people you love. But now i've been a guy who im madly in love with and want to be with and we've even talked about having a kid which was his idea NOT mine.. I just don't want to push him away and i want to be the best girlfriend, i need him in my life and my daughter loves him. what can i do to change the way i speak to people and try to consider others feelings more. please help thanks ! :D <3
This is a very new relationship, right, and it seems a little worrisome to me that you are already talking about another kid with him. Be careful.
As far as the meanness thing goes, I think you just need to strive to think about how things sound and why you want to say them before you do. I know for me it was hard to learn not to tell tease-y stories to other people in front of my partner because it made my partner feel bad. I just try and catch myself.
I'm glad to hear you're so happy in your new relationship. The feelings you have when you first fall in love feel so intense. Sometimes, it's not a great idea to make major life decisions, like having a kid, in the beginning of a relationship.
I've been trying to be really conscious about what I say to my partner, lately. Play to your strengths. It sounds like you have a sense of humor. Can you think of ways to use that humor to build up your relationship? I think teasing is a part of most relationships. It sounds like you have trouble not crossing the line so that the teasing's hurtful, and figuring out what's fair game and what isn't in a new relationship is really hard. Sometimes it's better to wait until you have a better sense of what would hurt him. It might be better to focus on making jokes about situations rather than him.
Yes it is a new relationship. i know and we will wait to have a kid but it just feels so right but it always does in the begining i know. I dont i i know a lot of it that gets me stressed and angry is because he jsut moved in with me and im a very clean and neat person and i always have to clean and i wish he would help out a little more idk it bugs me and makes me angry but i love him. but i cant catch myself i jsut say things without thinking about what i say till ive said them. what do you girls do to make your guys happy ???
Caitlin
Mother of Kira Nichole born Feb. 2nd . 2005
8. lbs. 2 oz. 4:18 am.
First of all...it is VERY hard to change old behavioural habits. However, it is possible.
You need to start recognizing when you are saying these things, what the triggers might be. You have noticed that it may be insecurities...which is an excellent first step. The next step is to begin being cogniscent of when these feelings are coming....and then, try to stop the negative behaviour (meaness towards the boyfriend) before it starts. Now that is much easier said then done. You might want to start talking to the boyfriend, and tell him that you DO recognize that you are being mean, and you DO want it to stop. Maybe he could point it out to you, when you are doing it? That could help you learn more about when it is happening, and you would be faced with a negative consequence (owning up to being mean to the boyfriend). Also, maybe if you explained the insecure feelings to your boyfriend, he will understand more about why things are happening, and be less upset by it?
I am the same way, I will just talk without thinking or say something when I'm mad that I don't really mean, or just say something that sounds ok to me but it doesn't seem as nice when I say it.. I just try to think about things I say and if I get mad I try to calm down before I say something. As for the cleaning thing, you could just try to say something to him when you and him are not fighting, like maybe if you are eating dinner together you could say hey could you please help me clean up after dinner? Also, with my SO I have asked him to just tell me when something I said crosses the line, and he is usually good about it because I a lot of the time will not notice if I offended him and he is the type to not say anything about it but just get annoyed so having him just point out when I hurt his feelings is helpful. I agree that it could also be a good idea to let him know what you feel insecure about, or maybe tell him that sometimes when you are feeling upset you say things that you don't mean and that while you understand that it still might be mean or hurtful, to take what you say when you are angry with a grain of salt. It can be hard in a new relationship when you are sort of testing the barriers of what you are cool with and not cool with, but it is good that you notice you are saying things without thinking.
I was horribly mean sometimes to my partner in the earlier parts of our relationship. I have always been sarcastic, but I took it too far many times. I figured out that I tended to be the most sarcastic when I was feeling vulnerable. It was a way to protect my self from possibly being hurt. It took time, communication, and a lot of trust for me to break down the walls I had with my partner. I also tried really hard to say what I wanted to say in a calm, non-sarcastic way. Or I bit my tongue if I couldn't say something without it coming out wrong. I am STILL sarcastic, but I have got it under control and I don't hurt my partner's feelings like I used to.
I am the same way as well. I can be super mean to my boyfriend but sometimes I think its because I want to push him away because its easier to be miserable on my own. I dunno! Maybe we need professional help! I am super self-conscious as well. I'm very unhappy with my body and I was treated badly when I got pregnant at such a young age so I still feel insecure about that even though im nearly 24 and my daughter is 7!
All I can say is that you should just try to recognize what you're doing, talk to that person about it, and let them know that you want to work through it.
Trish