hi.
goodness I'm exhausted. I've been working on my senior project while m's been at part-time daycare (started earlier this month). Though m's been sick off and on for the past few days so her time here has been sparse. I haven't been able to get much sleep since my partner works nights and I'm home alone with m and still nursing through the night. In the past couple weeks I've slipped into being being underweight. Nearly for my entire childhood I was underweight, not cause I was sick, just because I was so petite... but as an adult I've never been underweight, and I wouldn't have thought I was cause I still got my preggo belly. I can't seem to ever eat enough to be full/satisfied and never can seem to eat enough in one day.
I find myself getting so pissed off too. I have this temper that can so easily boil over. It's really starting to scare me, reminds me of my dads temper. I'll find myself throwing things at times and I really don't want m growing up thinking this behavior is acceptable. I love her, and it bothers me so much that this emotion bubbles up. Any advice on what I can do to manage my new found temper?
I find myself being resentfully of my partner too. He gets to sleep for 7 hours strait (i haven't done that in 6 months). He doesn't have to work on a project that requires attention I don't have (it doesn't help that I have ADD too). He's full after he eats 2 servings. He doenst organize shit like he should. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Dr visits, the kitchen, he doesn't always get up when he should. I often feel like I'm mom to two not just one. He doesn't do half the house/management work And I'm torn at times. Like I carriered her for 9 months, birthed her, I feed her 24/7, ... even if he does work 40hrs a week... I just feel like he's still not pulling all his weight or cutting me slack when I really need it.
I'm sorry. I know what you're going through. I also am underweight, and I always lose weight due to stress. When I'm stressed out, my body doesn't process food properly, so no matter how much I eat, I feel like I'm starving.
It's not fair that you are doing all the work and he's being lazy. Do you think he's being lazy because he doesn't realize how hard you're working, or because he doesn't care? Have you tried talking to him about helping you out? If you have, and he still is acting like a child, maybe he would go to counseling with you. A counselor could help mediate so you and he could come up with a better agreement for household responsibilities. He needs to undersand that the responsibilities are not yours, they are both of yours, and when he does something around the house he is doing his responsibility, not helping you.
For some couples, it can really help to make a strict plan and schedule to ensure you aren't the one doing everything. For example, Maybe 3 specific days a week are his days to get up and play with the baby after she nurses. He must entertain her for two hours, no matter what, because you deserve to sleep too. If he baulks at this, remind him you are up all night parenting her, and if he doesn't give you that time to yourself, you won't get it at all. If he cares about you, he will start to step up. If he doesn't step up, he probably doesn't care how you feel. At which point, it might be time to re-assess things.
I've been through this before, with pretty much every guy I've lived with. Some were better than others, but for the most part they seemed to think having a wife meant having a mommy to take care of you so you don't have to do shit. That is why I will never be someone's wife again. I've been in four live-in relationships, 3 of which there was a baby, and all of the men felt more like children than partners. I think the key to a good relationship, is being with someone who already takes care of themself and wants to add something to your life. If you're already taking care of him, it will probably be that way as long as you're together.
You should check out the book "The second shift" and share some parts with him. It is about labor division in families. Also, try to set aside explicit you time, where he is 100% responsible for a significant amount of time.
As for the weight bit, try and get a healthy, fatty food that you can snack on easily, like cashews or other nuts. Add avocado to meals.
As for the temper, it's normal for it to be harder to reign in your temper when you are sleep deprived, hungry, and stressed out. Don't punish yourself too much over it. Try and find something that calms you down, like music or running and take breaks when you need them.
MamaButterfly, thanks so much. For the first time in,... ever! someone doesn't baulk at my underweight-ness and say something snide like "I wish I had your problem". Yeah, that's me to a ten, I loose weight when stressed, not gain it. Avocados? Good idea, I love em.
Adcaela, I love love love Hochschild! But in many ways I wish I never read it. Ignorance is bliss and that book pissed me the fuck off. I remember telling him to read The Second Shift when I was pregnant, but he never did. I think I'll press him to read it again, he might not, but we'll see. I love how she said you can tell who works more in the household just by their footsteps, who's feet are moving fast at all times and who's are just slowly stepping around. Uhg, bothers me so much when he walks around like he has so much time to spare. Things would get done so much faster if he picked up the pace.
He definitely wasn't pulling his slack when I was pregnant and now that m's 6 months, he's been steadily stepping up as time goes on. I'm hoping this trend will continue, but I wont get my hopes up. I like the idea of splitting up days with chores and play time. And a significant part of the time when he's responsible for everything... I think I can swing that, on monday's he's off and I should start making that my day to be at the library working for an extended period of time. It would be good for me, him, and m.
It's so easy to say, "well he works 40hrs a week, I only work on homework 20hr or so a week... so all of this household stuff and baby stuff should be my responsibility" - but that leaves out all the breastfeeding I do, the time during the night I'm up with her, etc.
Haven't read all of the previous comments.
The easiest way I found an understanding with my DH was this. He works a full-time job. Parenting an infant is a full-time job. Housework is a full-time job. And in your case school is a part time job. You cannot work 2.5 full time jobs and expect to function.
I am the same way with underweight/eating thing. Eating and sleep have to be priority. I become a completely different person when I'm hungry, seriously. And tired too, but mostly hungry. I get mean, and angry, and even depressed. For my kids' sake as well as mine, I have to be careful to eat and sleep enough.
Do you cosleep? I find that's the easiest way to deal with the night wakings.
I wear my baby on my back to make food when she doesn't want to be put down.
I think key here is sitting down with your partner and talking to him about how to make things work better.
Do you have local mama friends? It's absolutely necessary to have a good support system of people who can understand you.
Duh, forgot to add ((hugs)) sorry you;re going through this mama. It gets easier!
I know its late in coming but give yourself a break if you haven't yet. With my oldest I was the one in the relationship doing EVERYTHING and working 2 jobs and going to school. I don't miss those years at all. Let things slide and ask for help- no demand it. Round here DH does most the work and sometimes gives me lists, I get pissy sometimes but all in all I know its my job too.
Something struck out to me because it also affects me. I was having alot of the same issues as you prior to being medicated for my add. Are you on any medication? Would you be against taking some if you are not? I find that off of my mess my temper is out of control because I feel out of control ( and this doesn't help communication with my husband either) I just wanted to see if maybe treating the problem may help you a bit.
I agree that you should talk with so about what you need for him to do. I hope you start feeling better!