Don't know what to say? Snappy comebacks :)

This is pretty long so I color coded it, so if you're interested in one subject you can skip to it easily. I thought of doing this thanks to bluemystique and her current run-in with some rude women. As young mothers and women we're subject to scrutiny every where we turn, we get tons of unwanted advice, cheesy pick up lines, horrible comments, ignorance about breastfeeding and pregnancy, and comments on our size and appearance. For most situations, I suggest being nice and pointing out the person's rudeness, but sometimes.. all you need is a good snappy comeback. So read on, and hopefully the next time you're confronted by a rude person, you'll know EXACTLY what you want to say. Add to the list!

Snappy Comebacks for:
dancers, pickup lines, "Why Aren't you Married?", Various Comebacks, Comments on your Weight, Comments on Being Pregnant at Your Age, Comments about Breastfeeding

Strippers
Source: http://www.gstringsforever.com/comebacks.html

Q. Will you sit on my face?
A. Why, is your nose bigger then your dick?

Q. What would it take to get you to leave here with me?
A. A fire.

Q. I’ve got a twelve-inch cock.
A. That’s a darn shame, because all I’ve got is a six-inch vagina.

Q. Don’t you feel bad about selling your body?
A. I haven’t sold it, I still have it.

Q. You seem too intelligent to be here.
A. You don’t.

Pickup Lines
Source: http://www.bethlong.com/id37.htm

Q. Haven't I seen you someplace before?
A. Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Q. So, wanna go back to my place?
A. Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Q. Hey, baby, what's your sign?
A. Do not Enter

"Why Aren't you Married?"
Source: http://www.theglassceiling.com/952/951_41.htm
Q. Why Aren't you Married Yet?
1. You haven’t asked yet.
2. Nobody would believe me in white.
3. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
4. Because I just love hearing this question.
5. Just lucky, I guess.
6. I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
7. Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Various Comebacks
Source: http://laughblaster.com/html/Snappy-Office-Comebacks.html

(meant for office, can be used in other scenarios:
1. I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
2. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
3. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
4. I’ll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you’ll go away.
5. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

More Various Comebacks
Source: http://www.wilk4.com/humor/humorm141.htm
- You! Off my planet!
- Not the brightest crayon on the box, are we.
- I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
- How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
- You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
- Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?
- Earth is full, go home.
- Aw, did I step on your little bitty ego?
- When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
- And your point is..?
- Sorry if I look interested. I’m not.

Comments on Your Weight:
Source: http://www.adiosbarbie.com/features/features_comebacks.html

“You’re fat!”
- Yes I am, thanks for noticing!
- Is THAT what this stuff on my hips is?? Who knew?!
- Damn, you’re perceptive. Did you figure that out by yourself, or did someone help you with it?

“You really should lose weight.”
- You really should mind your own business.
- As long as my doctor says I’m healthy, I’m fine.
- Thanks, I’ll take that into consideration.

“You don’t need to eat that.”
- Maybe not, but you sure need to learn some manners!
- I may not NEED to, but I WANT to.
- I decide what I eat and when, thanks anyhow.

“If you lost some weight, you’d (insert unrealistic promise).
- If I lost weight, I’d lose my cleavage.
- If you had a brain, you’d realize how stupid that sounded.
- If I were a guy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

“My, you’ve put on weight!”
- And I see you haven’t changed a bit.
- My, how rude you’ve gotten!
- Are you always this complimentary, or is this a special occasion?

“Look at yourself!”
- Why, do I have food stuck in my teeth?
- When was the last time YOU looked in the mirror.
- With that cheap toupee (weave, mustache, face, etc), you’re telling ME to look at myself?

“Fat pig.”
- Do you talk to your mother with that mouth?
- Do you practice every day, or were you born this tacky.
- You must be mistaken. The last time I looked, I didn’t have a tail.

“If you didn’t eat so much, you wouldn’t be so fat.”
- Are you the food police?
- Most large people don’t eat any differently than thin people.
- If you didn’t talk so much, you wouldn’t be so stupid.
- Have you been looking my windows and watching me eat again ;)

“Maybe if you got a little exercise, you wouldn’t be so fat.”
- How often do YOU work out?
- Contrary to popular belief, you CAN be fit and fat.
- Maybe if you learned some manners, you wouldn’t be so rude.

All purpose responses to fat remarks:
- Damn, how RUDE.
- Go pick on someone your own size.
- I’m big – there’s more of me to love.
- My mama taught me better manners then that.

Comments On Being Pregnant at Your Age:
Source: http://www.mothersover40.com/snappycomebacks.html
(meant for mothers over 40, can be applicable to any age)

Q. Why would you want another baby at your age?
A. For the same reasons that someone would want a baby at any age.

Q. I can't believe you're pregnant and at your age!
A. I can't believe you're so rude / insolent etc. etc. (Choose your own insult here).

Q. Was it a mistake?
#1 No. Why, were you?
#2 When you enjoy sex as often as we do, you're bound to have a slip up some time aren't you?

Q. Are you going to keep it?
#1 Well, we thought we'd wait and see whether we liked it first when it's born.
#2 We might take it back to the shop if it's not suitable.

Q. You're pregnant!
A. Thank goodness for that! I wondered why I was gaining so much weight.

Q. Aren't you too old/young to have a baby?
#1 Evidently not. Here's the proof (rub your expanding girth).
#2 Aren't you too old to be so tactless / rude?

Q. Isn't it hard having a baby at your age?
# 1 Not as hard as it is being middle-aged and childless.
# 2 I always thought it was hard having a baby at any age all that pushing and panting.

Q. You're huge!
#1 Yes, it's called pregnancy.
#2 And you're huge too, but I wasn't going to mention it.
#3 At least it's a baby and not fat.

Q. Haven't you had your baby yet?
A. Yes, but I thought I'd stuff her up my jumper because I enjoyed being pregnant so much.

Comments About Breastfeeding:
Source: http://www.lalecheleague.org/NB/NBNovDec00p196.html

Q. You can't do that here."
A. Please show me a copy of the regulation against feeding my baby."

Q. You have to do that in the bathroom."
A. I thought it was against health regulations to serve food in a restroom."

Q. Here, let me get you a blanket."
A. Thank you. It is chilly in here."

Q. Wouldn't you be more comfortable elsewhere?"
A. I'm fine here. Thank you for your concern!"

More Comebacks For Breastfeeding:
Source: http://breastfeed.com/resources/articles/ignorance.htm

Q. How can you stand to breastfeed?"
A. How can you NOT?"

Q. Doesn't it bother you to have a baby hanging off your breasts?
A. Seems to me that's why they are there.

Q. Didn't you just nurse that baby?
A. Hmmm, she must have forgotten already.

Q. Are you sure he is getting enough to eat?
A. What goes in one end comes out the other.

Q. You shouldn't breastfeed in public.
A. You really shouldn't feed your kids in public either.

Q. Watching you breastfeed in public is really making me uncomfortable.
A. Having you sitting there watching my child breastfeed, is really making ME uncomfortable.

Q. Your child is too old to nurse.
A. Really? Well darn! I guess breastfeeding him through high school is out.

Q. How long are you going to continue to breastfeed that child?
A. Until she can tell me she doesn't want to anymore.

Q. Are you still nursing that child?
A. "YES!" while looking the questioner straight in the eye.

Not So Snappy, but still good comebacks for breastfeeding:
Source: http://www.mommyguide.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=138

Comment: "Breastfeeding a child that age is not natural."
#1: To whom? It IS natural to us, that's why we do it. I can't think of a more natural way to feed a baby. Can you?
#2: It being "natural" would have a lot to do with how you're raised and where you're raised also.
In India some women naturally 'tandem nurse' (see here) so to them it would not be unnatural.
#3: To some women, breastfeeding at all isn't natural, but that doesn't make it wrong.
#4: It is "natural" to nurse up to age six or later. A famous autobiography of a Native American (Black Elk Speaks) includes a statement similar to 'by the time I was six I was acting like a man, and hardly ever ran back to my mother to suckle anymore.'

Comment: "But just because it is natural, doesn't make it culturally acceptable."
#1: In some cultures it's acceptable to nurse children until they are five or six. In our culture only 30-40 years ago it was practically unacceptable to nurse at all. When I was a child the mothers who did nurse did so for about 9 months. These days it seems like 1 year is the norm. But as you can see, it changes from place to place and over time as well. Just as the decision on whether to nurse or bottle feed is up to the mother, she should also be able to make the decision on how long to nurse without being judged by others for doing something so natural and good.
#2: The US is the acception in what is acceptible. We have the lowest rates of breastfeeding success in the world and I don't think it is anything to brag about. If the rest of the world is doing it and we aren't something is wrong. We are NOT leading the way to anything good but have given it up.

Comment: "Breastmilk doesn't benefit/is not needed for the child anymore."
Comment: "Breastmilk doesn't supply nutrition to babies past 6 months/1 year of age."
#1: Actually, research shows that the longer a child breastfeeds, the more he will benefit. I can site several studies that show direct correlations between extended breastfeeding and benefits to both the mother and the child. Would you like to give me your name and address so that I can forward you the information?
#2: "I couldnt ever put a age limit on a child's need to nurse because it is just that..a need. I wouldnt wean any of my kids because they got to be a certain age..nursing is just part of my mothering. You cant force a child to nurse and it is so much more than milk."

Comment: [About not wanting to stop] "Something else is holding mothers to the process, be it comfort or be it laziness is ending the process."
#1: Because a child cannot be forced to breastfeed, some mothers prefer to let the children decide when weaning should take place and, according to a study by Katherine Dettwyler, PhD, most children self-wean between the ages of 3 and 4.

Comment: "You dont see fully grown animals still suckling to the mothers breast years later!"
#1: Actually, you do. Dolphins, which we think of as smart animals, nurse their babies until 2-3 years of age. A dolphin is considered to be full grown between 2 to 4 years of age and the female life expectacy of a dolphin can be as short as only 5 years!
#2: [If they use some obscene number of years, like 30] Statistically, the average age of weaning worldwide isn't 30, it's 4.2 years.
#3: [If they use some obscene number of years, like 30] True, but then again, we don't eat our young either.

Comment: "It's more for the Mothers security than for the 4 year old's health."
#1: Actually, the natural role of human survival may play a part in the lenth of time that a mother feels comfortable nursing her children, but noone can force a child to nurse. Did you know that the survival rate of baby dolphins is directly related to the strength of the maternal bond formed?

Comment: "Although breastfeeding is a natural process of feeding a baby, when the child begins to feed itself, the natural process is over and is no longer needed."
#1: What exactly do you mean by "can feed himself"? While a baby might be able to hold a bottle early on, even a child in grade school cannot actually obtain, cook, and nourish himself, which is my definition of "feed himself". If this were the case, many middle-schoolers might still be breastfeeding.

Comment: "I think it's gross/disgusting!"
#1: You know, what else can you say, but "I'm glad not all mother's think that way or some baby's wouldn't survive."
#2: And i find it disgusting that mothers are not giving their children the best they possibly can by breastfeeding because they are afraid that people like you will say something to them.
#3: Well, everyone has their own comfort 'zone"...but isn't it nice for children to grow up seeing nursing and breast as something normal..seeing siblings being nursed, and make
the connection a woman's breast isn't just the standard "sex" symbol it has become in this mainstream culture??! "
#4: Those protrusians on women's chests are not decorations they are babyfeeders! Do you know that in many parts of the Islamic world where women are obliged to cover their hair and faces it is perfectly normal to be seen in the streets with a breastfeeding baby!! they do not have to take special care to cover the breast!-

Comment: "From a psychological point of view .. it can become something that effects a child in not so positive ways."
#1: This is a common misconception. There are a number of excelent studies done by reputable persons that discuss this topic. You can best find them by visiting the La Leche League International website.

Comment: "A child is too old for breastfeeding when he can logically comprehend that he's sucking on his momma's boob."
#1: By that logic, we should also be cutting off bottle-fed babies when they logically comprehend that they're sucking on an artificial nipple. There is nothing wrong with a child understanding that the breast is a part of their mother and a source of nourishment. Breasts are designed/intended for producing milk... they were not intended to be "toys".

Comment: "You shouldn't do that [breastfeeding] in public.
#1: Why not? (If their response is shown above, find a response to their comment above).
#2: "WHY?? Would YOU want to eat in a bathroom? I didn't think so!! If it is acceptable for a baby to bottle-fed in a location, it is also acceptable for an infant to be breastfed. Blanket covering or not. Nursing in public is LEGAL in all 50 states, and if you go to www.breastfeeding.com you can actually find a link to the legislation involved. If someone in a public place tells a woman she has to leave or stop breastfeeding, that person is violating the law."