v., my husband has traveled several years in all (most) of latin america before we met and he moved to switzerland to be with us. about 1 1/2 years back, he found out he had a son he'd never known about. that would be i., who's now 2 1/2 and lives in mexico. since we found out, v. has been in contact with i.'s mom, a., sending child support and saving up to go visit. and that finally happened a couple of weeks ago. there has been a lot of bullshit from a., their contact never went much beyond "thanks, i got the money" and we were really unsure how and if v. was actually going to meet i. when in mexico.
the good news is, he did get to meet i. and spend a lot of time with him. he saw him nearly every day for long hours, and i. even stayed with him for several days. so he got a lot of fathering time, he fell deeply in love and i. knows him and loves him, too, and calls him papa. it's still a sad situation altogether, having this distance, but v. feels he got the most out of their time together and is hopeful they can deepen their relationship over the time.
a. was very acommodating and friendly during v.'s stay and they talked a lot, contrary to our previous impression through e-mail. she isn't ready to talk clearly about her ideas of what v.'s involvement should be nor is she actively encouraging it, but she seems to be accepting of whatever level of involvement v. is hoping for.
i. is not living with a., and mostly hasn't, but with her parents. she "visits", and i. loves her, but she's not raising him.
and i guess that's a good thing. she has dropped out of college and lives as an artesana, traveling around mexico mostly. she parties. she drinks. she did when v. and her met, and didn't seem to change. she spends all her time with friends who do the same. she's talked about a lot of things that involve i. that range from scary to downright abusive. that he needs to grow up quickly so he can drink beer. scary. leaving a small child alone in a tent while going to a concert and getting so pissed she can't remember how she got back. living and sharing child care (for a short while) with a person who then loses custody of her children because of drug abuse. her friends, that she travels with on the few occasions that she is with i., are mothers who think it's a good idea to blow smoke from joint into the face of a few months old baby to get him to sleep. though not to the five year old, he gets his own joint. getting drunk (a. and two of her friends) and dropping a heavy tool on said baby's head.
there's a bunch more of that stuff, and they aren't rumors, but her own words. she thinks v. is a europeanized loser not to think it's funny.
it's ok. it's not ok, but there's nothing we can do about it. and i. is with his grandparents.
the grandparents didn't know about v.'s involvement nor that he was coming to visit (nor about the child support payments incidentally), and she didn't want to tell them or v. to have contact with them. they found out soon enough, as seemingly they wondered why a. was spending that much time with i., and i. started to talk about papa at home. and it seems they were fine with i. being with v.
that leaves us with...
we've now got their home phone number (giving us incorrect numbers was some of the bullshit), and v. wants to call i., he wants to hear his voice and keep up the contact now that he knows him (though he's too little to hold up a phone conversation, heh), so he'll likely be talking to the grandparents soon. we've thought about that, and honestly think we are justified in going against a.'s wishes. v. wants to be involved in his son's live (and that is basically ok with all of i.'s family), so it's only logical that he deals directly with the persons who are raising him. we will also try to make child support payments to the grandparents from now on (if they agree).
what would you do?