So, Zoe is two, and her dad is barely involved. She saw him two weeks ago, and before that- June 17th. He doesn't call to talk to her, he doesn't write letters- nothing.
About a month ago, she was in the bath tub and she took a toy dolphin she has and said "Look mama, a Zoe dolphin!"
"Oh," I said. "A Zoe dolphin!"
"Look mama, a Mama dolphin!"
"Oh, A mama dolphin!"
"Look mama, daddy dolphin!"
"Oh, a daddy dolphin!"
She then THREW the "daddy" dolphin across the bathtub, pointed to the "zoe" dolphin and said, "Zoe cry."
She has also started asking for him- saying, "Where's daddy?" Her sitter told me that the phone rang and she said, "For me! It's daddy!" He hasn't called in 3 weeks.
I've been talking to her lately when she asks about him, telling her that "daddy loves you very much, but he's working right now and can't be part of our lives." And sort-of leaving it at that.
But, I don't know what else to do. Are there any good books about this? Should I take her to a theripist?
I can't MAKE him be part of her life. And, I refuse to be the one to take the initiative and call him- it's not MY job to make sure that he has a relationship with her. But, I don't know what to tell her when he doesn't call or anything.
It's probably easier for us in some ways, 'cos bd hasn't attempted to contact ds for around 4 years now, so he is at least being consistent at last.
I just tell ds that I was ready to be a full time Mummy and take care of him, but his dad wasn't ready to be a Daddy. When ds says that it makes him feel sad, and that he wishes that his dad was involved in his life, I say that he has every right to feel that way, but this is how our life is.
Not cruel, not angry, not resentful (anymore) just matter of fact.
My son is a lot older of course, at age 8, and like I said bd is consistent in his lack of involvment.
I've never bothered telling ds that his dad loves him, I mean I don't say that his dad hates/doesn't like him or anything, but I can't look at my son and honestly tell him that his bd loves him. For me, loving a child is a verb, it's something you DO. By being consistent in your involvement, by honouring your word, by remembering birthdays and christmas, by getting to know your child, by providing support for your child. It's not just having nice fluffy feelings, and spouting the right words occasionally.
I know how hard it is, and how it hurts to see your child hurt by a person who should be helping to make your child's life better, not causing them pain.
You are an awesome mama, and you and your daughter will work this out.
Wow, that sucks. I really believe being a daddy is an all or nothing kind of thing. I know it's easier on me having him never here than having him here one day and gone for the next 3 weeks, back and forth. It's gotta be hell on a kid's psyche.
You could pick up Do I have a Daddy? I forget who it's by. I got mine for 6 bucks on Amazon and I'd swear by it.
I just recently split with BD..long story..and Rileys too young to really understand but I know that if BD isnt around..shes gonna miss him..I have no idea what to tell her when shes older about why we arent together.
Hey ladies, .. I've been/ am still going through the same thing with my son who is now 7 years old. And from what I experienced so far, is that kids are not stupid, as much as you want to downplay a fathers lack involvement or true intentions in not wanting to be a father, kids eventually figure it out.
My son for example, started seeing his BD on a regular basis when he was four. ... doing the every other weekend thing. I've been with my fiancee since Brayden was 2, however, Brayden and him never met until we were a year into our relationship. ... So Brayden goes to his biodads every other weekend, gets whatever he wants and becomes a king for two days and upon return comes home with expensive toys for just being him, (i'm talking playstation 2 games, laptop for kids,...etc.). Is this love, is Brayden feeling a sense of love from his father, ... NO he looks at his father as an ongoing free bank. ...how could you blame Brayden though, he's a kid. ............ granted. .........BUT ... what about the dicipline, teaching, consistency, love, ... parenting things that his father does not guide him with. Brayden doesn't feel that, if he did look at his BD as a real father, he probably wouldn't have ASKED Denis (fiancee) if he could call him Dad, and he probably wouldn't call for his Daddy (Denis) in the night, or ask Denis to take him fishing, be a beaver leader etc. .... Like a previous poster mentioned, ....LOVE IS SOMETHING YOU DO. and I fully agree.
Unfortunately, time is your only out on this. Time will tell as to where BD is going to take this, until then, you have no choice but to live your life how you want and if BD decides to be a father, .. then great, but you can't put your life on hold for his actions. ... and as for you child, its hard no matter how you explain it. ... afterall, these are feelings we are talking about, real feelings and as much as we want to downplay it, ... or steer them away from the hurt, ...eventually they will catch on to who the real parent is,... and who just gets the name.
Sorry about my blabbering.
I am sort-of trying to down play it- not her feelings, just the fact that he isn't here. Very few of our friends have bds in the picture, and only one that's REALLY active in his kids life.
And, I agree that her emotions are TOTALLY real and valid. I suppose I'm not even trying to "protect" her. I just wnat a way to EXPLANE to her what's going on.
I want her to know that her dad does love her (b/c he does- even if he's a shitty ass dad), and him being gone is NOT her fault, and when we fight- not her fault, and that he just can't be here right now.
I don't know if I'm explaning it well to her. I don't know how much she's getting, or if she gets it. I don't even know if she UNDERSTANDS "daddy" or if she's just imitating something she saw on Arther or something.
I showed her a bunch of family picures (this is actually a game we play with MY family photot), and I'll say, show me mama! And she'll show me me, and so on. So, I said, "Show me daddy!" and she pointed to MY dad. So, I don't know if she gets it at all, but she's clearly hurting, and doesn't have the language to say that. I don't know....
My daughter's father left me while I was pregnant, and she didn't even know him until she was about 6 months, and she HATED him. I eman that. She wouldn't go near him, always cried if he was around... She started going to his parent's place every other weekend when she was about 18 months, and he moved out shortly after that, so I doubt she sees him often, but she doesn't really talk about him at all. She talks about her grandparents and aunts and uncles though. My boyfriend is great, he plays a sort of authorative-daddy type figure, without the actual title. My advice: just tell her straight out that he's not around much, don't say anything negative, and say that maybe one day he'll be free to come and see her... don't lie, kids know when you're lying, and don't insult him or anything, that can make her resent you.
My kids see donor/dad 3 times a year.
We tell lots of stories to them and include heaps of different families/parenting arrangements in the tales we create.
Plus we do reiterate that all the different types of families out there.
I don't think either of them have an idea that about the male/female supposed norm being as popular as it is! Maybe M (he's 6) gets that mum&dad is kinda common but it's not something he brings up too much.
We don't have a TV so maybe they aren't being bombarded with as many middleclass-hetero-family images.
We figured they may come across people who try to dismiss our family because it's got two mums so from very early on we reiterated it, for example having "family together!" hugs.
One thing that riles me up is hearing people describe single mum headed families as "broken families". Fuck that, it's intact, whole.