Ok, since I am going ot be giving him up, I need some opinions on this. (Don't worry, I won't get mad at anything anyone says, unless it's just horrible.) I'm asking for opinions.
Keenan will be 1 on june 11th, and I am just starting the process of this, so he will more then likely be around 18months (or so). He already doesn't really know me, because I haven't really taken care of him since he was 5months old (institutionalized). BUT he knows my cousin well. He calls her mama and everything. I'm starting to think that he will have a hard time transitionning from her to a new home, with new parents. At that age, he may have some huge difficulties. I know kids at that age sometimes play favoritism with one parent over the other. And at that age, well they have also known you. You have raised them.
I'm also scared of maybe deciding to take him back(that's a long shot though) and him being like "who the hell are you" kinda attitude.
I'm also scared of how he will feel in 14 to 17 years form now, when he finds out I gave him up at the age of 18months. Ya know? Will he think it was his fault? Will he resent me? Will he hate me and never want to meet me to ask me these questions?
It'S really bothering me right now, because my mind is almost made up, but I'm afraid to fuck him up in later stages of his life. (And for when he transitions.)
I so wish my cousin would want to keep him. I'm seriously going to sit and have a converstaion with her and ask her too. I would love it if she would.
Adoption at a later age
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Mon, 2004-05-10 09:59
#1
Adoption at a later age
Do you think she will? From your other posts it sounds like she gets along great with him. And are you sure that this is the best choice for you? I know you have made other posts on this, and I don't mean to question you and/or your motives, but when you mentioned maybe wanting him back it made me want to ask you. If your cousin would take him you could keep in contact, right? That sounds like it would be a good situation for you right now. I was adopted, although at 4 months, and had a foster mother until I was adopted. We are here to support you no matter what.
i think the choice you make will be the right one,
talk to your cousin and see if she wants to adopt him, if not, i think that the transition can be a smooth one and i'm sure the people at the place you go to will know how to help make it as smooth as possible,
as far as what he will think in the years to come, i say don't really worry about that right now, you went through some horrible shit mama, you need to make sure you are ok, things have a way of working themselves out, ya know>?
good luck to you
It will be difficult at first, but it will eventually smooth out. Most people don't remember things that happened before age 2, and it's more common to remember things around 3-4. Of course, at the time he will be confused. With small children, I really believe that love and quality time are key in these types of transitions.
I placed my daughter for adoption when she was 2 months old. I too wonder how it will affect her when she is older . I do still get pictures and a couple of visits a year. The family is great and that is why I feel that she will be comfortable with my decision because her parents will raise her in a way that she will know the whole story. Not like some stories you hear where the parents were like oh youre mother was this and that blah blah. The adoption was very open and I think that is best for me, my birth daughter, and her parents.
I think that, even if your son is initially angry with you, he will eventually understand. It seems like you have thought long and hard about this, and you can tell him that. You can tell him that you put 18 months worth of thinking and agonizing over this, because you love him so much and wanted to make the right choice for him. He may at first wonder "what was wrong with me?" but I think as long as you keep contact with him and everyone is honest, he will eventually move through that. Maybe you can write him a letter now, as you are embarking on this process, another when you choose a-parents, and again when you sign the papers, so that you can capture for him your exact feelings at these moments. Then he can have an idea of what you were going through.
Are you planning on explaining the details of his conception to him? Are you going to tell the potential adoptive parents?
I have no experience with adoption, but I really like julie's idea of writing him a letter during this time and saving it for him- will it be an open adoption?
I'm so sorry you have to make this choice, and I honestly don't know the story behind it but it sounds like you know what you need to do and if that's true then you will be fine. I hope your cousin will decide to keep him- why is she saying she won't? (don't have to answer that if you don't want to) But if she doesn't I'm sure you will find a great home for him and he will understand your decision in time. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Love,
Laura
What I did was wrote a huge letter, with as many questions as I could think of and answered them all.
I don't know anything about your situation (except what I read just now in your post) but I am the birthmother of a son who will be fourteen in a few weeks. I relinquished him at birth. It was a semi-open adoption, but the aparents closed it as soon as the adoption was final, before my son was even a year old.
So, he grew up in a closed adoption.
Last year, I tracked the family down over the internet and wrote them a letter. The a-parents wrote me back and sent me a couple of photos of my son. In the letter they wrote that my son "has no interest in learning about his biological family or receiving correspondence or photos at this time".
Well, what the hell. Thirteen's a difficult age. And maybe they never even asked him if he was interested in "learning about his biological family". Maybe he doesn't even know that he's adopted. Who knows? I plan to contact him personally when he's eighteen and then we'll see what's up.
I dread the idea that when we finally meet, my birthson might hate me (or pity me, or feel scorn or anger toward me and his father, or resent us and feel that we fucked up his life). Although whatever feelings he has, I will accept them and try to help him work through them. I am afraid he will be hurt to learn that we had another child a year after he was born, and that we kept that child.
One thing that has helped me prepare for whatever is to come is talking to adoptees. I've met many through the internet, though on-line adoption support forums, etc.
It's true, some adoptees are very bitter toward their birthfamilies. Some have no desire to meet their birthfamilies, and others do. It all depends on the individual... and I think a lot of it depends on the adoptive family as well. If the adoptive parents were abusive, or just generally not good parents, and the adoptee had an unhappy childhood, he might resent his birthmother for putting him into that situation. If the adoptee had a good upbringing with lots of love and a stable family, it's more likely that he or she will not "hate" his/ her bio-family for putting him/ her in that situation.
I would talk to adoptees if I were you, and learn first-hand what some of their feelings about adoption are.
If I were you, I would choose the best family you possibly can for your child, whether that's one of your relatives or whether it's a total stranger.
Do what you can to ensure that the adoption is open, and remains open.
Your child will benefit from knowing why you placed him, and his medical and biological history. Nobody ought to have to live with a bunch of unanswered questions. It's so unfair.
If you want to talk about anything, birthmother-to-birthmother, feel free to PM me and I will give you my email address.
Good luck. ~ fairy
I think whatever choice you make it will be the right one. It may be hard for him in the beginning to get used to new parents but it'll turn out alright in the long run. I hope you get this all sorted out for yourself :) It can be a hard time, especially with the concerns about "will he/she hate me over this", and the issues with picking parents but I am sure you will get through. You'll have to keep me updated on your progress. I'm always willing to chat with you :) Keep strong!
I've experiencd adoption in many different ways throughtout my life.
Growing up my best friend was adopted. She had two very loving parents who supported her in everything. I guess according to my friend's mom her birthmother was only 13 years old and that's pretty much all they knew. My friend had a very difficult time with it because everyone at school, all the neighbor kids knew about it. A lot of kids would say hurtful things to her about her 'real mom' not wanting her and one particular time when we were at sixth grade camp someone told another girl that my friend was adopted and right in front of my friend, the other girl said, not even her own mom wanted her. This was supposed to be a CHRISTIAN school! My friend became depressed and suicidal, but she went to counseling and went to public school and things became much better for her. Her depression was the direct result of her school environment, being mentally abused by a certain teacher and not the result of her being adopted. I just had to put that in there. I haven't been in contact with her since high school, but I think about her often and wonder if she ever met her birthmother because I knew that was something she wanted.
I also had another experience when I went to camp and one of the speakers was adopted and he talked about it a lot. What his life was like and he said that if he ever met his birthmom, he would thank her because he has had the best life.
I also had a co-worker who fostered and then adopted the child.
There will be times that he'll wonder why you placed him for adoption. There will be times that he may feel hurt... not understand, but it doesn't mean that he won't know that you cared about him and that you made that decision out of love for him. I think when you're younger before you become a parent it's hard to understand why your parents do the things they do, why they didn't do the things you wished they would have done.
I don't know what else to say... except go with your heart and do what you feel is right for both you and your son. I hope everything works out best for you. I think writing a letter would be a wonderful thing to do for your son, it will be his one link to you.
I appreciate your thoughts and the kind way you expressed them, Melissa, and I'm sure AveryLynn appreciates your input as well. But I must contradict you on this point; I do not think it would be a "wonderful thing" if "a letter" is this child's "one link" to his biological mother and his own genetic history. With all due respect, I think it would be a terrible thing.
Open adoption is the norm now, and has been since the late 80s/ early 90s. Closed adoptions still happen, but usually only in cases of international adoption (as opposed to domestic), or cases of foster/ adoption, where the biological mother was abusive and her rights were terminated involuntarily and contact with her is deemed to be dangerous for the child and/ or the adoptive family. Or, of course, cases like mine which involve fraud on the part of the adoptive parents.
In cases of voluntary relinquishment, closed adoptions are very rare now. The choices are pretty much "open" or "semi-open". Many adoptive parents don't even want closed adoptions these days, because they don't want to cut their child off entirely from his/ her medical history and biological roots.
In the past couple of decades, a lot of research has been done about adoption, and open adoption has been shown in study after study to be healthier emotionally for adoptees, as well as for everyone else involved.
The thing is, AveryLynn, with an open adoption, your son won't ever have to wonder why you relinquished him. He can just call and ask you anytime he wants.
There are still some (very few) birthmothers who request closed adoption. I do not judge them. I'm sure they have their reasons. Maybe they fear it would be to difficult to actually have to see their child grow up with another woman as his mother. But I think anyone who is considering placing their child in a closed domestic adoption in this day and age needs to think about how isolated that will make their child feel as he or she grows up. In the past, the majority of adoptions were closed, and so most adoptees were in the same boat. Closed records and closed adoptions were standard then. Now closed adoption is no longer standard, and an adoptee who is in one is bound to wonder why.... why he's different from other adoptees he knows in that he has no access to and no information about his biological family, while most other adoptees do have this access and this information.
I have a friend who has adopted two children. One adoption is fully open, and the other is closed, at the birthmother's request. The children are five and nine years old. The nine year old has to sit by and watch his five-year-old brother have monthly visits with his birthmother, while he himself (the nine-year-old) doesn't even know who his birthmother is, what she looks like, or why she relinquished him.
I would never advocate any adoption that didn't include some level of openness.
JMO, ~ fairy
Fairy and Avery, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings or offended you. I didn't really realize the impact of my words...
I'm part of a closed adoption, albeit not a domestic one. I posted earlier in this thread but didn't think to offer myself if you ever want to talk, averylynn...granted my experience is different than your sons would be, but anytime you want to talk, I'm here. Fairy has a lot of useful and thoughtfull information as well.. I would second the advice of finding adoptees who are/were in similiar situations as your son may one day be in.
Melissa, no don't worry, it's all good. You didn't offend me. I'm sure you didn't offend anyone. Your thoughts on the subject were offered in a very sweet and sincere way. I did disagree with that one part of your post, but that doesn't mean I was offended by it, or angry at you, or anything like that. Just disagree on an issue, that's all.
Friends? :D
~ fairy
I just want to first of all, thank everyone for their unput on this.
I went over to my cousins house on Mother's Day, and after leaving there, I wrote her a long e-mail, expressing my thoughts and feelings about everything to her. She and her husband read it,and she called me shortly after. They discussed it, and had both said they weren't planning on even having kids anytime in the near future, he has just settled into his career, and she still has no idea want she wants to do in life, they're in the middle of buying a house (closes on monday if all goes well...). But they then said that they love him dearly, and have been raising him now for 6 months, (he calls her mama, and him dada), and she told me the day they had to let him go and not ever see him again would break their hearts in two.(I feel the same way...)She then came to pick me up, and we went for a short ride just to talk. I cried so hard, and then she told me that they had discussed it enough, and decided that if it was truely ok with me, that they would keep him.She had truely just thought that an open adoption would be easier on me then having to see him often. I told her I would rather know how he is doing, see him, be in his life,then have an open adoption closed after a year. I know that she is a great mother to him. I know that she would never do anything to hurt him, and would always be there for him no matter what. I also know she can offer him alot more stability in his life then I ever could. I have contacted the CAS,my lawyer, and hers, and we all have an appointment on May 27th to start the process.
I know in my heart, that I do not want to keep him. There is too much there right now. I know I cannot take care of him in the ways that he should be.I don't think i will ever be able to care for him in the ways a parent should. I know that I had a shitty childhood with my parents up until I was 12. None of us were ever wanted, and we knew it, they never hesitated to tell us that, or to show it either. I don't want him to feel that pain inside of him that I have felt towards my parents. I remember growing up, wishing my parents had put us all up for adoption, knowing that my life would have been better with someone else. I want him to understand though, that I am doing this because I love him.
Julie, that is the most wonderful piece of advice I have received throughout everything so far. Writing him those three letters could help him understand alot more, and alot better the feelings I have at these moments.
About his conception, that is one hard thing I do have to think of, and I have thought about it now for the longest time. I really do not know how I will ever find the words to explain to him that he was conceived by rape. I know I will never tell him the way I was raped, but I will tell him that the scars on my face, and body are from that if he ever would happen to ask me why I had scars there. ( I know I asked my mother about every scar she has on her body, I guess kids just have that much of curiosity about their parents.) I just really will not know what to say, or how to say it, but I do know that I want him to know, eventually. Not when he is 13, but probably when he is between the ages of 16-18.
I never in a million years thought I would have to make such a hard ass decision about my life.
Everything is just falling apart, but at the same time, it is so far working out.
I'm glad I got to really express my feelings and thoughts to my cousin, and I can' even begin to explain how much of a relief it is that she wants to keep him.
fairy----I will definately be PM-ing you for your e-mail addy.
Thanks again to everyone for their input. Some posts made me cry, but I needed this sort of input.
Much Love,
Avery-Lynn
avery lynn,
i'm glad that things seem to be working out well for you and that your cousin is so open to helping you out,
good luck in all that you do,
you are in my thoughts dear
tricia
I'm glad too that things are working out. You are a very brave woman, and we are all here for you.
I'm so glad that your cousin is able to adopt him--that sounds like it will be wonderful for all three of you. Good luck with everything. *hug*
AveryLynn;
That actually made me cry a little :) I'm so happy everything worked out for everyone, and that you'll still be in his life and see him whenever you want. Congratulations!
Thanks grrrls. You all rock my world right now.
I too am so happy that they are taking him. It was the first time I was actually happy in like, 6months.
It's good because I'll still be there to see all the most important events of his life, without having the worry of adoptive parents closing it up on me, as to where I'd never see him again.
Much Love
Avery
I'm a newbie here, so I don't know your whole story, but I wanted to post part of my story. I was raped by my boyfriend at age 13 and delivered my daughter 8 months later. Our situations are different because I'm assuming you don't know the person who "fathered" Keenan?
However, my daughter doesn't know her "father" at all. He showed no interest in me after the rape, because he knew damn well he screwed up and that I wouldn't have sex with him willingly ever and that's all he wanted. He found other girls and has two other children now. At any rate, the first months I had Kally were awful for me. I'd look at her and all I could picture was that shitty night. It took me 3 years to both be able to have consentual sex and months before I could look at Kally and not think about it. I decided to parent at the beginning due to mostly my ignorance about adoption and the fact that I was 16 weeks along when I discovered I was pregnant and my mother wouldn't think of discussing abortion. At 13, I was pretty much stuck. I love my child like mad now, just like you love Keenan. You are showing your love by thinking of him first and I don't think he will ever resent you or blame himself for your decision. So, even though we had different outcomes I do understand a little of what you are going through.
I'm so glad I found this board because all I've seen is people focusing on what's right for the momma, and what makes each individual person feel better. I'm glad you've decided on something your comfortable with and I hope that things start looking up for you. I don't have any actual advice for you, but if you ever feel like just chatting feel free to contact me.
I guess not many people know my story though, since the old boards are gone. It was on there, I may re-post it (as hard as that is)
I DO know who his father is. In Canada we have a DNA database for registered sex offenders, and when Keenan was 1month old, we went for a DNA test to see if it matched up with anyone's. 1month later, I got the papers saying who it was, and he is now in jail. Thing that irks me the most, was this guy was a customer where I worked(ok, he was also stalking me, buying me flowers and shit) he was kinda weird, but he was also a really nice guy. When Keenan was 2weeks old, I went into where I used to work, and he looked at my son. He touched my son. After I found that it was him who did that to me, I felt so dirty, so wrong for letting him touch my son. Argh.
I don'T know how comfortable and happy I am with my decision at this moment. I know it HAS to be done, but I'm not sure that I WANT TO. I know that I [/i]cannot be a mother right now.
It's hard as his mother to realize that I just can't handle it. :cry:
Avery
I'm sorry I made an assumption in my previous post about how you were feeling about this. :( **hugs**
I didn't know that about sex offenders...Kally's "father" is not in jail because I had no idea how to go about pressing charges. It's only been this past year that I've learned how to say rape and not "bad relationship" or whatever. I'm thankful he doesnt' want to know her, because quite frankly I don't want her to know him.
I hope that in your situation your family understands how hard this is for you and that you can see Keenan as often as you'd like. I don't want to say anything to make you feel uncomforatable, because I can't understand what this is like for you, but I did want to apologize for my earlier assumption.
Best wishes.
I dont really know wha to say except that your stor touched me soo deeply and made me cry!! I can see how much you lve your son by knowng and doing whats best for him. Im glad that this is working out for you as good as a situation like this could! Im here for you!
Don't worry about your assumptions. You didn't know, so it is not your fault. I know how you feel about not wanting your child to know her father, I will probably never tell Keenan his sperm donors name. I think it is in his best interest to not know a person who obviously has no respect what-so-ever for women. I want Keenan to grow up with the up most respect for women, and I know he will.
My family is beginning to be very suportive, which I am so greatful for. I saw Keenan yesterday. It was so weird. I now <b> WANT to kiss him, and play with him, and hug him, and take him for a walk, and look at a book with him</b> it's liek now I want to do all the mommy stuff, because I don't feel that I need to, it's because I really want to.
In Canada it is a little different though, you don't tell the cops you wanna press charges, they investigate the crime, and they press charges.(Even though I still would have pressed them anywhere else, ya know.).
My rapist is where he belongs, it's a shame he only got 6 years, which means 3 on good behavious. Fuck.
Avery
Avery,
After reading all about what you are going through, I wanted to tell you that you are a very strong, loving, brave woman.
Keep your head up and good luck.
I wish you lots of luck and lots of healing. I think it is great that you are doing what you know is right.
Avery, I am so moved by your story. I am overwhelmed by your strength and bravery and cannot even find the words to express my support, admiration and solidarity for how you are handling this. I am so fucking angry that you, and countless other victims are having to go through this shit. Even if you have times when you think you can't handle this, or if people try and undermine your choice to have your son adopted, know that you are a strong woman and for what it is worth, I know that I will always respect and support your decision.
-I'm sorry if this was a bit garbled or long-winded but this kind of hit home for me.
Ruth xx
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