im getting so frustrated with jeremy. im so bored and lonely and tired of being at home. "getting stuff done" is so hard and jeremy is not picking up any of the slack. he doesnt do dishes (last night he was kind enough to collect them from the living room and putting them in the already overflowing sink), laundry, feed the cat and doesnt understand why i dont/cant get that done when im home. he actually had the gall to say "did he just sleep more when your mom was here..." implying that ive just been too lazy when im by myself to maintain the household. he's smoking again because hes "stressed." hes pushing the sex issue too much. last night he didnt even offer to heat me up a plate of food though he prepared one for himself. i ate peanut butter from the jar for dinner. he thinks its absolutely nothing for me to come pick him up from work even though that means that lucien/i maybe napping or eating and those with have to be interrupted/delayed so i can get him in the car seat (which he hates) and drive when there are multiple public transportation options for him to get home. its so important for him to get home quickly so he can get on the computer which he has told me many times is what he does at work.
there are some nights when he hardly acknowledges my or lucien's presence. he'll come home and get on the computer. the other night he didnt even come inside for 30 minutes because he had a cigarette and was talking with his parents. my mom was here for a week and it was wonderful having someone here to help me and i wasnt sitting on my butt watching tv all day.
i feel so stupid and i dont know how to explain this to him with breaking down in tears (like i am now) or fucking killing him. i know i need to just say what ive posted here but im so horrible at expressing my feelings verbally. and all this time ive been dishing out advice but cant do that in my own situation. i wish i could just run away to my parents house but they are in the midwest. i love my son but i cant wait to go back to work so i can see other people and jeremy can see how fucking hard it is. and he wants to have 4 kids!
A person who has never stayed home with an infant can't understand the work involved. If in general, he's an understanding person, make it a priority to tell him what you did all day.
When I stayed at home, if I got nothing else done all day I made sure to have dinner ready when my then-husband got home. Not because it's a womanly duty to have a hot meal on the table for a man, but because it's a good excuse to sit down with your partner for at least 15 minutes.
Eat dinner together every night with no TV. Ask how his day was and tell him about yours. Make sure he knows how busy you are. Then, you can ask him to wash the dishes. If you cook, it's not unreasonable to ask him to clean. And having a specific chore for him to do will probably be more affective than asking him to please help with something
My BD was the same way when we lived together. I was going to high school, taking care of an infant, AND working. He worked, and expected me to do all the taking care of Riley (changing diapers, feeding, etc) AND clean the house, cook dinner, etc. He didnt think a man should have to do anything besides work. I understand how burnt out you are. Taking care of an infant is HARD! Try to get a break for yourself (if you can), and talk to Jeremy. If you are having trouble verbalizing how you feel, maybe you could show him this post, unless of course he would get mad for you talking about your concerns online (i know some guys get angry about that) Good luck and if you need anything PM me!
being a mom is hard
relationships often change, for the worse, with a kid.
try relationship counciling
try making a list of all the work that needs to happen and dividing it fairly
try getting a babysitter so you can feel like an equal citizen
What I do sometimes when I can't get everything out understandably by talking is I will write Randy a letter. I usually tape it onto his computer screen. He will ALWAYS read it, the whole thing, and it usually works out better than talking because we don't get into an arguement about it. I get everything out, he takes it all in, thinks about it for a few minutes then comes to me with a solution. My relantionship isn't perfect, but getting things out helps you feel less resentful.
our situations are reversed. i work and still come home and do about half the cleaning, only because i know how it is to be a stay at home mom. two things, definately tell him how you feel. a letter is one of the best ways with men, i feel. because men want to internalize things. they will sit and think about something and try to solve it, master the situation. women like to talk things out and figure it out on the way. so by giving all the facts and feelsings straight forward in a letter, he has time to take it all in, mull over it and plan his course of action. less stress for both parties. and two, when ever you do start working again, have him stay home for maybe two days a week. nothing works better than a swift kick of reality. good luck girly
melissa
stop.
dont do anything.
just do what you feel like doing, not a damn thing that he wants, and let it pile up (not to the extint that its harmful or something) and when he bitches about it tell him you've just been to busy picking him up or just to be rude say "im a lazy bitch. deal with it" tell him you did it all for too long and if he doesnt like that funny little smell coming from the sink he should probably wash the dishes.
Holy fuck.
Chris is the SAME way. He has never touched a dirty dish in his life, he leaves trash scattered around the house, he leaves his laundry wherever, he cleans out the cat litter when I bitch at him enough to do it, he NEVER feeds the pets, he NEVER feeds the kids, he SOMETIMES changes diapers, he doesn't vacuum or clean the floors, he doesn't dust, he only does his OWN laundry... yup, I hear ya.
And he spends every free moment on his computer. And he's always on me about sex.
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.
PM me if you wanna talk.
Counselling and babysitters cost money. It shouldn't have to cost her money in order to feel like an equal. And dividing work does not work. Believe me. I swear our men are twins. I can make a list, no problem, but these type of men think that this is OUR job and even if they agree to it, the proscrastinate and it doesn't get done. It's not that easy. I think they need to live in our shoes for a week and then see how "fun" and "easy" it is.
some counsilors are sliding fees, or really cheap.
you can trade babysitting with other moms
there has to be SOME way you guys can get the respect and help you need and deserve. it's simply NOT fair that the burden of everything is falling on you.
check out organizations aimed at strengthening families. they might have a counselor or group there that is free or low-cost. private therapy is expensive, but if you look around you can sometimes find organizations that aren't actually in it for that.
if a counselor isn't an option, maybe picking up some relationship books or workbooks, and trying to make it a ritual somehow that you work on them together? i know you can get books at used book stores for fairly cheap.
can you spell it out in terms of sex, since that seems like something these guys want? what i mean is saying, "i'm sorry, i'm really too tired to have sex. laundry, dishes, mopping, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning, picking up after you and taking care of children really wears me out." and hope that he picks up on it? if they don't listen when they are told, perhaps a sneak attack could work.
look at your partner's parents' relationship. is it very traditional, a la man goes to work, woman cooks cleans takes care of kids? if so, point out that you do not want to be his mother, that that kind of relationship wasn't fair to her and it's not fair to you either. if that was the relationship his parents had, ask him how close he is with his father, and what interaction he remembers from when he was a child. ask him what he wants his kids to remember about their childhood.
if his parents did not have that traditional relationship, see if you can recruit either one of them in talking to him about needing to do his share and reevaluate his priorities.
good luck, this isn't fair to you!