Today while my mom and her boyfriend of 10 years screamed at each other at the end of the apartment, quite loud enough for me to hear, and obviously Kaylee too, I found myself in tears while Kaylee smiled and cooed so lovingly at me, which only made things worse.
My mom needs to leave her boyfriend, and only lacks the courage to leave whats famliar. I know she will, but I just dont know that I can wait for her. Ive told her that if by the end of December, she cant call the relationship quits, that I have to move out. Mostly, because I know, as long as they are together, there will be much yelling cussing, mess and choas, and I just dont want my daughter to grow up around that. I feel like Im blackmailing her, but I really just need whats best for my daughter.
The problem with that is, if I do move out, I wont be able to go back to school like I planned next year, or even work. I wont be able to afford rent, and daycare, so Ill have to go on Social Assistence, and Ill be stuck in a dead end. I dont want that for my daughter or me, but I dont feel like I have any other choice. I knew being a mother was going to be hard, I just didnt realize that the support I was counting on was going to fall apart, and now I just feel so alone.
I know my mom loves me, and Kaylee, but I cant ask her to give up what she wants in life, or to make herself do something she cant, for me. Its not fair. Kaylees father has mental issues that makes it dangerous for him to be around her unsupervised, so hes no help, and my dad isnt even speaking to me. Most of my friends disappeared when I got pregnant, and of those who didnt, Im convinced half of them are only still there to oooo and awww over my baby!
Ive had an extremely soap-operish, stressful, just generly bad life, full of everything from physical abuse, to drug abuse, to love triangles, to betrayel and worse, I dont want that for my daughter, and Im devestaed to think that it could be all I have to offer.
Im worried sick that I cant do this, and my confidence is withering away. Im trying so hard not to cry, Im exhausted. And its not that Kaylee isnt sleeping, or letting me sleep, its just the emotional drain. What a horrible way to spend Christmas, throwing up from stress. I just dont know how Im going to do this..
I just needed to get that off my chest. I dont know what else to do.