My older sister and I are very close. She's been dealing with manic depression all of her life and I'm trying to do what I can to support her. At times, she has these rage filled outbursts that are usually directed at me. I've been told it's because she feels most comfortable around me. I don't fight back, I do what I can to keep peace.
I really care for her, but I'm kind of at a breaking point. I hate being someone's punching bag. I'm sick of being screamed at and called names. I'm scared of her. She spends four days out of the week with me and I have two plans prepared for when she arrives - one if she's mad at me and one if we're on good terms. I feel incredibly selfish for being angry with her. I can't imagine how it feels in her shoes, it must be really hard to not be able to cope with your emotions. As much as I feel for her, though, I feel like I'm giving up a piece of myself everytime I let her bully me around. How do I lend support to her without losing my sense of self?
Family with Mental Illness
You are here
Wed, 2004-12-15 22:14
#1
Family with Mental Illness
I don't know what it's like to have a sibling with issues, because I'm an only child. I do have friends, however, who are bipolar. Sure, not everyone who's bipolar acts the same way, and some folks totally manage it with medication and nobody knows, while other folks stay up for days writing on the walls and talking to Jesus...
but the fact that you're talking about standing up for yourself and keeping your own boundaries is good. It's important to separate your sister's illness from her behavior. She's bipolar, she can't help that, but other things she does have control over: whether she 'pushes you around' or screaming at you and calling you names, and whether she's trying to control her situation with medication and/or therapy. It's okay to be mad at her for treating you badly... that's not the same thing as being mad at her for being ill.
It sounds like you're already setting limits- certain days, if she's acting a certain way, you don't do certain things. Maybe certain things, like shouting or whatever, you can just let her know, that if she doese them, you'll leave (or she'll have to leave)... and don't feel guilty for following through. You may end up, eventually, having an even better relationship if she learns to respect your limits- and even if she doesn't, at least you won't be putting up with abuse that you don't deserve. I think there's gotta be a sibling thing going on- with guilt and responsibility and things- and maybe she resents you for being well? If that's what's going on, I can imagine that it must be very hard.
I have bi-polar and I know a handful of people who do.
The thing about the illness is that it will over time drive the person to being a bit of a control freak - b/c even on medication sometimes its like you have no control at all. Your logical head is going - it's not that bad, calm down, breathe in and out, chill - even while you are throwing shit around and screaming at the top of your lungs. It can be especially frustrating if you are taking the meds and doing the therapy etc.
I know I have a tendency to have my worst moments around my family, b/c I let my guard down around them, plus anyone you care about can hurt you worse than total strangers. This is one of the reasons I have been working especially hard on the therapy thing - if my meds fail I want to be able to maintain at least a tiny amount of control so I don't end up hurting myself or god forbid my son.
The best thing you can do is to set limits, and especially if she is being violent, get out. Nothing is harder on someone with this illness than when you hurt someone you love during one of what I call "a spell." As long as you let her know that while you don't blame her and you understand that she has an illness and may not always be able to control her actions, you also have to take care of yourself and sometimes this may mean leaving. She'll appreciate the fact that you come back afterwards not hating her.
BTW - Alot of the people in my support group for bi-polar have had really good luck with the rage aspect of the illness after we started doing yoga breathing excerises each morning for about 15 minutes. From what my therapist tells me, they've actually proven through brain scans that the excerises seem to regulate the activity of the neurons in the "emotion" center of the brain, and helps to stimulate calmness and a sense of peace. Over time, regular practice of these excerises actually makes a measurable change in the neural connections between that part of the brain and the frontal lobe, which is where our higher thought abilities are (think logic, ethics, future planning capabilities).