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the realities of parenting

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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 7:01am
#1
jen
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Joined: 12/11/2003 - 10:06am
the realities of parenting

This is sort of along the same lines as the "What you wish you knew" discussion in Pregnancy & Birth.

Often, we are presented with one image of motherhood, yet our reality turns out to be quite different, for better & worse.

I never realized how hard it is sometimes to get ANYTHING accomplished with a baby/toddler. Just going to the store to get one thing can take 20+ minutes of preparation. There is no "I think I'll go out to eat" and just getting up and leaving, it's trying to find a sitter a few days in advance or taking the kid along and having it be this huge production (did I pack enough diapers, are the people I'll be dining with kid-friendly, the baby spit up on his only outfit, the toddler is bored and acting up before the appetizers even arrive, etc)

I didn't know how utterly exhausted I would be after so many nights of broken sleep.

I didn't realize how much judgment I would get from other mothers. I was judged for circumcising/formula feeding/owning a stroller from the hardcore AP community, and for not letting my baby cry it out/not owning a minivan/giving my child herbal remedies sometimes from the mainstream parenting community. Society at large can be judgmental, but unfortunately, so can other mothers.

I didn't know that there is no such thing as "perfect" parenting, or "perfect" children. Before I had a kid, I thought my child would never have temper tantrums, ask for ice cream for dinner instead of veggies, have a pacifier at bedtime until he was 3, or watch much TV at all. Ha!

Next?

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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 7:21am
julie
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Joined: 12/10/2003 - 10:16am
**POSSIBLE TRIGGER**
like you, i never realized how much of my life would be open for other people's criticism and scrutiny once i became a mother. it started because of my age and single status, but then it just exploded. having a drink at the bar? bad because i'm a mom. buying something for myself? not okay. deciding to just sit on my ass and not clean one day? terrible! and the list goes on. don't dress that way, don't go there, don't do that, don't say that, don't watch that, don't like that, etc etc etc. i have a hair trigger now, with "but i'm not a bad mom because...." pouring out of my mouth every time i'm not right by my kid. i also didn't know just how worried and paranoid i would become. i still check my four year old's breathing numerous times a night. i'm suspicious of all the men i know. driving in the car I am certain we will die. if he doesn't eat five servings of fruits and vegetables a day, i am sure he is wasting away, and if i forget to brush his teeth one night, i can SEE the cavities forming. the ideas that he will someday strike out on his own, that someone will hurt him, that he will feel rejection, hurt, pain, that i won't be able to protect him, those are terrifying. there is so much intense emotion evoked through parenting. before we have children, the only one we think of is love. once we have them, we realize there is fear and worry and sadness and a host of other feelings in there too. and i never knew that sometimes moms just get really tired of being moms.
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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 7:26am
erika
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Joined: 04/30/2004 - 5:03pm
the realities of parenting
I didn't realize that what I thought would be coparenting would turn into single parenting, and that I was totally deluded in thinking that things would always go my way. I didn't realize that being a single parent in a town with no family would mean my kid would be attached to my hip for the entire first year and a half of his life, and never getting to have any alone time whatsoever. I didn't realize how hard it would be to get things done with a baby and ESPECIALLY a toddler, either. This is very very hard to get used to, and trying to do college at the same time has proven difficult but turned me into a stickler for budgeting time. I didn't realize that I would lose my sense of self for the first year of my son's life, and the fact that I was an individual with personality and desires and needs would have to be found again after completely identifying myself as "a mother" for a year. Yeah, these are all negatives, but I will think of more later.

Erika, 28, mom to a 9 year old boy, surrogate mom to 6 year old boy/girl twins, grad school grad (MPH), and currently working on a PhD.

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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 7:28am
erika
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Joined: 04/30/2004 - 5:03pm
Re: **POSSIBLE TRIGGER**
[quote="julie"]and i never knew that sometimes moms just get really tired of being moms.[/quote] No kidding!

Erika, 28, mom to a 9 year old boy, surrogate mom to 6 year old boy/girl twins, grad school grad (MPH), and currently working on a PhD.

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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 7:42am
*DamiensMommy*
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Joined: 05/06/2004 - 3:48pm
the realities of parenting
i realized people look at you really weird when you decided out of the blue you want to cloth diaper. apperntly they all think disposables are better. Motherhood is so insolating, i now have NOTHING IN COMMON WITH ANY OF MY PEERS, unless they have kids.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Mommy to Damien, 2-22-03~
*In Love with Tommy since October 2001*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 9:33am
melly
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Joined: 11/14/2004 - 7:47pm
the realities of parenting
I didnt realize, like a couple of you have said, that i would be this open target for judgment. Or that i would be automatically catagorized. I also didnt realize how much sleep you really don't get. Laerin is 3 and still gets up at night a lot. I didnt realize that within the first year every one but 2 friends would want nothing to do with me, and i didnt realize how O.K i would become with that. I didnt realize that i could have paranoia this bad, everynight i am up until 2 or 3 thinking over and over that i hear someone breaking into her room. I didnt realize that most of my worries about myself and appearance and all that would go away. Spit up on my blackshirt? who cares. Hair hasnt been washed in a week? who cares. Before her, i would have never gone without a bra. now i put one on for work and when we have company.
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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 9:39am
Ann
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Joined: 05/07/2004 - 10:19pm
**pos. trigger**
i didn't realize how hard it would be to say good bye to my son each time i left after visitng him!! i didn't realize how much i would feel like a bad parent for "giving" my son away!!
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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 10:16am
katg
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Joined: 12/10/2003 - 1:39pm
the realities of parenting
I didn't realize how much being with someone 24/7, even if they CAN'T talk sucks ass. I didn't realize the deep effect of two hours of screaming would have on me. I didn't realize how much I valued time by myself. I didn't realize how much it hurt to have my friends turn their backs on me. I didn't realize the effect that pregnancy would have on my mental health. I didn't realize how much I would have to justify every aspect of my life to everyone I know. I also didn't realize that I could love someone this much.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain.

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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 10:44am
naivete's picture
naivete
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Joined: 05/06/2004 - 12:48pm
the realities of parenting
Aw, Katg I loved your post. One thing I didn't realize is that it's OKAY to not be always happy with being a mother. It's okay to miss things, it's okay to not always be happy. Frustration and stress can break you if you never let it out, if you're too scared of letting it out because 'you're a mother now'. It's okay to put yourself first sometimes, it's okay to not let motherhood define who you are or let you forget yourself. It's okay to fuck up! It's okay to let your child cry in his room for a few minutes while you get your shit together and calm down, because the alternative could be much worse if you let your stress/frustration break you. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to cry. It's okay to not bond with your kid right away. It's okay to not feel like a mother, there should be no 'proper way' a mother should feel, it's different for everyone. It's okay to lose your cool, to cry along with your kid, to scream into pillows. What's not okay, is trying to hide all your emotions and frustrations, to let them build up until it's too much for you to handle. It's okay to be yourself.

*~*[i]Wolf Rider she's a friend of yours
You've seen her opening doors
She's a history turner
she's a sweetgrass burner
and a dog soldier
ay hey way hey way heya*~*
[/i]
- - - - - - - - - -

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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 11:11am
firefly1
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Joined: 08/11/2004 - 12:49am
the realities of parenting
when i became a mother i didnt realize how much guilt i would have. over every aspect of raising my daughter. i dont breastfeed. i use disponsible diapers. i dont have time take my kid to the zoo. i didnt know it would take five hours waiting on the dirty floor of the health clinic for my wic check. how backbreaking a baby carier is. how much shame i would endure from the public eye. how freely people would express their dissapproval of my lifestyle. how mean church people can be. but also didnt know my daughter would be such a joy. that i would love her more than what i gave up. yeah sometimes i wish i could paint my nails and enjoy eating out. or how much id miss my old figure. sometimes i miss looking sexy, instead of people thinking im a slut. i also didnt realize that id only switch between my work clothes and my pj's and i wouldnt have any need for my highheels or my cute miniskirt. sometimes its not always a fair trade but i wouldnt trade back
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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 12:45pm
CrysNel
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Joined: 08/10/2004 - 4:00pm
the realities of parenting
I'm right along with you ladies! Also, we have new members here trying to conceive, I think they should read this post from us! Very informative! I wish I would have known how much my mother and grandmother would be on my case about how much "smarter" they are than me since "they raised more than me" I wish I would have known that listening to my daughter screaming would make me wanna leave the room and never come back! I wish I would have known how doctors would treat me just because I'm a young mother. I wish I would have known that I can't just walk out the door "to run a quick errand" Even the quickest things can turn into an hour long process! And mostly, I wish I would have known how much being a young mom can change the way other's judge you when they dont' even know you.
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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 1:27pm
Pook
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Joined: 05/06/2004 - 9:30pm
the realities of parenting
I never knew how much doubt would run through my mind. I thought that I would automatically fall in love with my son once he was born. However, it was more of a love out of duty than love out of choice. It takes awhile to bond with your child. There are a lot of goods things about being a mom, but a lot of the times, the bad outweighs the good. It's also one of the most rewarding jobs a person could ever have.
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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 1:40pm
RileysMama2B16
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Joined: 05/06/2004 - 7:30pm
the realities of parenting
I never knew how little sleep I would get, and any spare time I had always went to homework, or cleaning up after Riley! I never knew how hard it is to be in and out of the shower in 5 minutes or less. I never knew that I would be doing this all on my own. I never knew how hard it is to stay sane sometimes. I never knew I could feel this much love for one person. I never knew that my entire life would suddenly be based around someone else. I never knew how hard staying in school would be with a baby. I never knew the financial aspec and how much it really does cost to take care of a baby. I never knew how much I would love breastfeeding. I never knew that I would be a totally different person then who I was before my daughter was born. I never knew I would LOVE having a big preggo belly! I never knew how much I REALLY needed support More to come...
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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 1:44pm
kell82504
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Joined: 05/06/2004 - 12:47pm
the realities of parenting
I never new how FUSTRATING but so AWESOME it his to be a mother. I never knew that I could love someone so strongly no MATTER what they did(throwing up on you, hitting you-not meaning to just reflexes, screaming at you, and more). I never thought I could just look at some one and start crying. I really thought that being a mother was going to not be that hard and I want to say it is hard but it is alll damn worth it. I love my son sooo much and every time I look at him I just want to cry. I look at my wonderful saggy boobs and wonderful stretch marks and my thunder thighs and love handles and HATE them but then I say to myself that little man sitting right next to me is all worth it!!!!! He is my pride and joy and only 5 months!! I would do anything for that boy and inside I feel like he already knows that!!!! OMG!! That made me cry what I just wrote!!!

[size=11][b]Kelly
kick ass relactating, baby wearing, pro-choice earth mama to
Andrew 8/16/04
Anthony 5/11/07[/b][/size]
[size=9]"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." -D Adams[/siz

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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 1:48pm
RileysMama2B16
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Joined: 05/06/2004 - 7:30pm
the realities of parenting
[quote="kell82504"] I look at my wonderful saggy boobs and wonderful stretch marks and my thunder thighs and love handles and HATE them but then I say to myself that little man sitting right next to me is all worth it!!!!![/quote] Word! I completely agree!
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Fri, 01/07/2005 - 3:04pm
babycatcher
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Joined: 01/10/2005 - 8:25am
the realities of parenting
Here are some things I never knew/realized about being a mom: [b]I never knew-[/b] -How much support I would need -About all the finances that came with raising a child -How much sleep I would lose -It would take 30+ minutes to prepare myself, the kids, and their things before we took a simple trip to a resturant or mall -I would fall in love with Boopy! -How much I would need my mother to help me and lean on - Being pregnant would actually cool and fun -How fast babies grew up and start to walk around and talk -I would go days without showering, putting on make-up, or doing my hair -How much I would love buying in bulk -I would end up having 4 kids under the age of 25! -Being able to go out would become a big deal -Cleaning spills, making bottles, changing clothes, kissing bo-bo's, and playing on the floor would be my day to day routine. -I would actually want time away from the kids sometimes -How much babies can eat![/b]
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Sun, 01/09/2005 - 9:20pm
kiss-my-kitty
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Joined: 01/13/2005 - 11:27am
the realities of parenting
Thing I never knew: How much I would love my little girls How hard it would be to spend a day without them How much a strain it can put on a marriage with no communication How much I need to lean on family and friends How strong it would make me How hard it is to raise toddler How big they get so fast How hard it would be to bond How I wouldn't trade my girls for my freedom of responibilty I never thougth I would lose my clostest friends when I got pregnant That I would be stared at and called dirty names How hard it would be to do daily things like cooking and cleaning That I would have hit rock bottom with postpartum depression at age 19 That I am so happy to have my wonderful little girls and that I made the right decision on keeping them. That I would cry when I tuck them in at night That just hearing them say "I love you Mommy!" would make me want to yell from the top of the roof that I'm the luckiest woman in the world. That those four little words would make me cry out of sheer happyness. **I am so glad that this site was created to help young mothers like me. Thank you all for making me feel like I'm part of the family here and for just being there if I need to vent.

[b]Jennifer[/b]
20 year old breastfeeding mother to Alyssa, wife to Daniel <3

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Thu, 01/20/2005 - 7:40pm
MamaButterfly
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Joined: 11/12/2004 - 6:57pm
the realities of parenting
I never knew... -how guilty I would feel every time I do something that is not perfect. -my children would have such strong personalities of their own -they would be so emotionally/phisically/psychologically draining -that I would never have time for school or work, but would have to do it anyway. -I would get so much criticism from EVERYONE -How wonderful a home birth is -how wonderful breastfeeding is -toddlers are not so easy when they are mine -kids can be picky, even if all thier options are vegetables -potty training isn't a battle -my plans on how i would parent would change drastically, for many reasons I thought... -I would be a perfect mother. -I would never get tired of parenting -my kids would get along perfectly -I would prove myself to everyone, but all I need to prove myself to is myself.

Loving mama to an 11 year old activist, a 7 year old energy ball, and a sweet nursling.

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Thu, 01/20/2005 - 8:49pm
emily
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Joined: 05/06/2004 - 9:49am
the realities of parenting
i didn't ever think that having a child would totally strip me of my identity, and that i would have to re-build myself piece by piece. I thought that things were going to work, because I wanted them to work. I didn't know how tortured i would feel by having this little person rely solely on me for his every single need. I never imagined the hugeness of this task. I don't think i really understood that i was going to be doing this alone.

"i may be laying in the gutter, but i'm looking up at the stars" -Oscar Wilde

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Thu, 01/20/2005 - 8:51pm
vig
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Joined: 05/06/2004 - 3:40pm
the realities of parenting
i had no idea you could go from wanting to run away to wanting to have your child by your side FOREVER and back again in the span of 10 minutes i never knew how complicated it would all be i never knew so much of what i did would be judged on a different scale for being a parent.
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Thu, 01/20/2005 - 10:03pm
MsMandy07
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Joined: 06/29/2004 - 10:04am
the realities of parenting
I never knew each disapline could be so controversal I never new I could spend hours just looking at my son and think hes an angel after he screamed all day I never knew that being gretted with a hug made a horable day into a great one Didn't know that 18 years would sound so short I didn't know I would beable to confert somone crying after they peed on me because they didn't make it to the potty Didn't know that him getting sick would hurt me so deeply Didn't know I would be looking at how good elementry schools are 2.5 years in advance I didn't know that Barney wouldn't annoy me as long as he's laughing I didn't how hard it would be to make new friends I didn't think I would ever preseve my life as "perfect" (as perfect as I want it) I didn't think my art projects would have to work around covering up scribble lines because I had a helper I didn't think I would already be worried about the type of man he'd be I didn't think I could love my child this much there's lot's of other things but this is getting long
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Wed, 02/23/2005 - 11:11am
cam
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Joined: 02/24/2005 - 3:31pm
the realities of parenting
You girls need to take it easy. Don't be scared to discipline those little ankle-biters if they need it. I have always been a bit of a "mean mom" but I don't want the kids running my life. I am the mom, so tough shit. If my kids are keeping me up at night, there is a point where I will say, ENOUGH! "Get your butt to bed I do not want to see you again for the rest of the night." As long as they have everything they need, there is nothing wrong with doing that once in a while. Kids have to realize that you are in charge, not the other way around. Don't take the loving mommy bit too far or you might end up resenting your kids. Trust me, I know all about it.
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Wed, 02/23/2005 - 11:12am
SkyKid45
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Joined: 05/08/2004 - 1:18pm
the realities of parenting
momjeans- some people have young children who do not respond to yelling. That is why my kid keeps me up at night, because he needs something.
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Wed, 02/23/2005 - 11:51am
cam
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Joined: 02/24/2005 - 3:31pm
the realities of parenting
I don't necessarily mean yelling. It is quite piossible to be firm without being abusive. Draw a boundary. Sometimes you need to have your own space and it is quite OK to send the kids off to bed even if they are crying a little bit. I had to do this with my kid so she would quit waking me up at night. It worked wonders. All I am saying is that you need to look after yourself sometimes too.
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Wed, 02/23/2005 - 12:39pm
vig
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Joined: 05/06/2004 - 3:40pm
the realities of parenting
momjeans, please don't tell us to "takeit easy". this thread is a place for us to share our experiences, vent, and express things that may not be acceptable for us to say in other spaces in our lives. there is something else about the tone of your post that feels really condescending. there are a ton of different parenting styles, some of us know what works for our kids and some of us are still figuring it out, but we don't need to be told how to do it.
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Wed, 02/23/2005 - 1:37pm
erika
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Joined: 04/30/2004 - 5:03pm
the realities of parenting
momjeans has been banned. troll.

Erika, 28, mom to a 9 year old boy, surrogate mom to 6 year old boy/girl twins, grad school grad (MPH), and currently working on a PhD.

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Wed, 02/23/2005 - 3:35pm
julesmama
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Joined: 05/06/2004 - 6:57pm
the realities of parenting
momjeans is so obviously not a mom that i was almost laughing when i was reading that. :lol: but i do like the user name (SNL anyone??) damn trolls, when theyre not antichoice assholes they can actually be kinda amusing
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Wed, 02/23/2005 - 4:06pm
erika
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Joined: 04/30/2004 - 5:03pm
the realities of parenting
(the mom jeans episode was fucking hilarious!) and as for trolls being amusing, i'd have to say...maybe if you aren't the one who has to deal with them! :P

Erika, 28, mom to a 9 year old boy, surrogate mom to 6 year old boy/girl twins, grad school grad (MPH), and currently working on a PhD.

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Wed, 02/23/2005 - 7:58pm
SkyKid45
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Joined: 05/08/2004 - 1:18pm
the realities of parenting
aww i missed it what happened?
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Wed, 02/23/2005 - 8:35pm
quelyn
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Joined: 06/16/2004 - 2:00pm
the realities of parenting
Yeah, I'm pretty new to this online thing, this is my first board I've ever belonged to. What's a troll? Sorry, I feel really dumb for asking :oops:
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Thu, 02/24/2005 - 5:52am
kell82504
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Joined: 05/06/2004 - 12:47pm
the realities of parenting
[quote="quelyn"]Yeah, I'm pretty new to this online thing, this is my first board I've ever belonged to. What's a troll? Sorry, I feel really dumb for asking :oops:[/quote] Someone that comes to a commnutinty and is BULLSHIT. Makes lies talks shit and well is just fake! I think that is a good way to put it unless someone else has a discription

[size=11][b]Kelly
kick ass relactating, baby wearing, pro-choice earth mama to
Andrew 8/16/04
Anthony 5/11/07[/b][/size]
[size=9]"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." -D Adams[/siz

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