I had was married for a few years to a really lazy, irresponsible, mean man. He was drug user and had no understanding of the needs of our fmaily. he went through 14 jobs in the first 2 years of marriage. I had to be 100% responsible for keeping track of our money, budgeting, paying bills, etc. Because I was always cleaning up messes he made (literally and figuratively) he never did learn to become responsible. Today, he's living back at home with no job or goals.
I was really good with taking care of myself. I kept our apartment after he left and paid all the bills and cared for our children without any financial support at all.
Now, I'm partnered again to a very nice, responsible man who cooks, cleans and has a good job. I've turned into a lazy slob and picked up on my ex's habits. I only make a real dinner 3 nights a week, this week I've made 2 batches of chocolate pudding and ate them all myself in leu of a real meal. I work less thna Erik, but he does an equal part of the cleaning and plays with the kids and takes care of them more than I do. I spend money and forget to tell him, I go over our budget at the grocery store, I pay bills late. I withhold sex for no reason.
I don't know what the hell happened to me, but I'm very unhappy with my own behavior. He thought I was responsible when he started dating me, and I feel like a fake. He has not complained or scolded me, but I dont know how he could not be dissapointed in me.
I just want the responsible me back. Maybe I needed a break, but it's been 2 years. We have so many outrageous expenses (our dog's broken leg, the transmission in my van went out, we're paying for our wedding and signed a contract) and all I can think of is how poorly I spent our money and how I used to be so very different. We have a joint bank account, so every penny effects us both.
I guess what I really need is to learn how to have a healthy equal partnership. Maybe because my marriage was so unbalanced, I subconsciously think that's normal or OK.
Dissatisfied with changes in myself (partnership trigger)
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Sun, 2005-01-23 14:08
#1
Dissatisfied with changes in myself (partnership trigger)
Have you thought about therapy at all? It can be really helpful in getting your life on track.
Or, sit down and talk to your husband about it. Maybe let him know that you don't like the changes that you've seen in yourself, and that you are working on recognising the impact they have on him and your family.
On a more practical level, it has really, really helped me to make lists everyday. Lists of what I am going to do, and to look at them six times a day and make sure I'm doing them. I go to Target twice a month, with lists, and allow myself twenty dollars extra to spend on something that *I* want. I go grocery shopping once a week (plan meals ahead of time) and allow my self 5-10 dollars extra to spend on something that *I* want. This helps to curb my tendency to spend to much money on things that I shouldn't be spending them on.
I have cleaning routiens that are written down, and every morning and every evening I go through them, checking everythign off as I do it. It helps keep me motivated.
I think that you can change, you just have to be aware of what your behaviors are and really focus on what needs to change and how you are going to do it.
i think your husbands lack of responsibilty made you like that. i too am like that. i pay all the bills, make all the money and make sure no one over spends. but my bd watches kayleigh more than me. i feel like he spends more time with her than i do. and i hate it, i hate that i dont feel like her mother, sometimes. my only thought is maybe you could take over paying the bills. he would still be making the money but you can budget. that might kickstart you back in charge. i know its so hard being head of the household. but maybe you can reclaim part of your responsibilty. it sounds like your man came in and made it so easy you didnt have to do any of it. that doesnt make you like your ex, your not taking advantage, he probably likes taking care of you. but it makes you feel better choose a few items that will be soley your responsibilty. that might make you feel better and more in control. i understand about not feeling like an equal partner. either you have too much responsibilty or not enough.
this is rough, huh? negotiating and maintaining a healthy and mutually satisfying partnership is much harder than anyone ever really tells us. when i first began looking critically at my own relationship i was really surprised by how many factors really come into play in a relationship that only appears to involve two people. one thing that's hard but worth it is to spend some time reflecting on our pasts and deconstructing what we've learned from previous relationships or had modeled for us, such as what our previous partners taught us, what we saw in our parents relationships, on television, in the media, etc.
"I guess what I really need is to learn how to have a healthy equal partnership. Maybe because my marriage was so unbalanced, I subconsciously think that's normal or OK."
not only do we regard that as normal or OK, but we often get antsy when that isn't what's going on. alli and i have just recently been able to move out of the space wherein we post script every good day, moment, interaction with, "but for how long will things be good?" we come to regard certain patterns as inevitable, and when they haven't been repeated in a while, we sometimes create them. i only recently realized that i defined normal as conflict, drama, fighting, negative passion, and when my idea that those were normal was threatened by their not occurring, i subconsciously sought out ways to make them happen. we can see that happening when, even in the moment, we are unhappy with or questioning our responses, but we can't seem to not engage in them.
instead of a half-assed break from responsibility, any way you could get a real one? if you could line up childcare, could you and a close girlfriend get away for a weekend? or just you alone?
have you talked to him about this? if not, perhaps you could tell him how you are feeling, ask what he's been thinking about it, and talk about the models you've each had for relationships.
something alli and i have started doing that has been helpful is putting down in writing our needs from each other and our goals for ourself and our relationship. we've also been working on congratulating positive progress and respectfully commenting on behaviors that aren't conducive to those goals. if you and him have mutually agreed upon signals for reminders that something you are doing isn't productive, perhaps that will serve to increase your motivation without making you defensive? alli and i also have a relationship journal, wherein we can each write how we are feeling about the relationship. it's beneficial for when we have a lot to say but are worried we won't find the right words in conversation, or want to get a lot of stuff out without having the other person comment right away.
are yall in counseling? couples therapy can be awesome, and i don't just say that because i plan to eventually do it myself. alli and i have been in therapy for a year now and seen so much improvement. even in areas where things are good, we've found ways to make them even better than good. having the perspective of someone else who is somewhat removed from the relationship and armed with knowledge and experience about relationships has been so helpful, and also fostered an ability in us to critically evaluate what we are doing and why, what is motivating us to act in certain ways.
beyond that, one of my goals for this year is to stop looking at things as static, black and white, this way or that way. being a good mom, having a good relationship, being good at anything are roles i've cast so narrowly that i get frustrated and want to throw my hands up and ask what the point of trying is if i don't think i can live up to my ideal anyway. broadening the concept of what that ideal is, and recognizing that a good relationship isn't one that's smooth sailing all the time, but is instead made of minute to minute assessments of interactions and efforts towards improvement has helped me to see the big picture but also understand how what i do affects that picture. that isn't directly related to what you are dealing with, but is important to remember in our progress toward goals.
I agree with what has been said. I think it is very possible that you are doing this because, in one way, you never had the chance, and maybe in theback of your head somewhere you want to take advantage of not having all the responsibilty. Also, from having been let down so bad by your ex husband you may be subconsiously (sp) expecting it from this man you are with now and just wanting to fill up on having the good life while you can. Therapy would be a good idea to help deal with the issues left over from your previous relationship.
I find myself feeling guilty because i think sometimes i take advantage of my husband's willingness to do all the things my father never did and i thought no man would ever do (cook, clean, do the laundry) I have come to expect it out of him and forget to thank him, or even chip in. I, in my head of course, try to match every thing he does with doing something myself. not as a competition, but to add balance, and to keep him from having to do everything.