After the, what, 400th single vs partnered thread, it occurred to me that maybe there might be a reason why so many partnered mamaâs often find themselves saying âI wish I were single.â Hell, I did it myself when I first came to GM, until some wiser members set me on a healthier, less offensive path to unlearning a lot of things. But while this is in NO WAY an excuse for the attitude, I think it may be healthy to examine what it causing this response.
In my own case, what I was trying to come to terms with was my unhappiness at the imbalance of power in my relationship with DH. Of course, most of my frustration was that I couldnât put my finger on where I didnât have power. We used to have the same fight all the time about this, and he would always want me to tell him where he had more power in the relationship than I did, and I couldnât ever find a concrete example. I made more money, wrote the bills, balanced the checkbook, set the budget, wrote the grocery list, picked the daycare, everything! Every major decision, I made it. How could I feel like I had a lack of power? From outside, and even from inside, it looked like I had a glut of power.
But the truth is, true power in a relationship does not always come with decision making or breadwinning. NOT having these things can be a sign of lacking power, but also, not always. What I lacked was the power to say no, to step back, to NOT be the one who did all these things. And the reason I couldnât figure this out was because Iâd spent the first two years of our marriage being a SAHM fighting to be in the position that I was in. I couldnât understand why I was so unhappy and frustrated.
I could go on for hours about how long, and how many little things it took for me to understand that the power to choose not to do something is equally as much a privilege as the power to choose TO do something. Because any relationship that pidgeonholes you into having no choices is taking your power away.
What do you ladies think? Do you think Iâm reading too much into the frequency of these threads or do you think that maybe there is something going on in our relationships that is driving us to distraction?
I am totally impressed by how well you articulated that. I'm new on the path of motherhood, and have not come so far in learning where I stand in the midst of all this.
<<the power to choose not to do something is equally as much a privilege as the power to choose TO do something>>
this statement very eloquently states something I've been at a loss to describe. The complaint that I've had lately in my partnership is that when I feel like I'm overwhelmed and overworked because I do all the caretaking for our children whether bd is here or not, I can do very little to express it because he spends all day making the money that keeps us fed and housed. He also feels overworked and stressed, and can be insulted by my complaints.
I get to go for a walk and have a coffee at a cafe during the day while he works at a metal shop. But when I go for that walk or drink that cup of coffee it is when our baby permits. I have not been alone in months. There are days when I can't even take a shit alone. And when he comes home, he gets a change of scenery. My job continues. Even while I sleep. And then I should spend the baby's naps doing laundery and cleaning the floor?
If I were single, I would be taking care of the baby, cleaning the house, AND going to work and making money. I have to remind myself of that and realize that there are distinct privileges in my life.
Still, this sense of feeling powerless to NOT make certain decisions or do certain tasks is very real and I do not know how to find equilibrium.
I totally think all relationships should be dissected and discussed in regards to power struggles and problems. The power division in my relationship is.. somewhat even. The only problem I do have, is he expects me to do everying related to Treyton. We decided a while ago that I'd take care of Treyton's night schedule, that I'd be the one to bathe him, brush his teeth, tuck him in. Somewhere along the line though, I was also thrown the responsibility of cleaning his room, doing his laundry, making his food, etc. It's something we're trying to work on better dividing now.
Sometimes I feel so.. lost in the relationship. Like my mother duties, work duties and wife duties have completely smothered what I need to do in order to maintain some sort of self. He has more freedom. If he wants to go work out, he'll usually go during the morning (He works midnight shift) while I'm at work. Then I get home, and even though he's awake and doesn't start work for quite a while, I'll ask to go work out and it's always such a pain for him. He gets to relax, but I have to wait until it's convenient for him and Treyton in order to go. On the weekend, if he wants to go somewhere, I shrug and stay home with Trey and I let him. If I want to, it's always such a hassle, and is very often put off for a better time. I don't have any hobbies, because honestly I don't take much interest in anything; I've never had hobbies. Now though, I desperately want one that I'd enjoy, because then it would at least be mine, some part of me that I could indulge in.
Sexually, I've always been very kinky, very into s&m, role playing, etc. He's very conservative, and it's always vanilla missionary, because he's uncomfortable with trying anything knew. Yet again, that's a part of ME that's being stifled, in order to help him.
I don't know how though. I don't know how to swing the balance back in my favor again, because it's very abstract things that are making me feel powerless. It would be so much easier, if it were black and white, then I would know what to fix. There are so many other complexities though that favor HIM, and inconvenience me, where I can't do anything about it. It's so frustrating, because he doesn't even see it, he takes it all for granted. He thinks his life is so hard and inconvenienced, but if only for a few minutes he could see my side of things. I'm stifled, held down, and completely lost in every situation, but not by things that are clear. Things that are fuzzy, unexplainable.
Naivete said:
"Sometimes I feel so.. lost in the relationship. Like my mother duties, work duties and wife duties have completely smothered what I need to do in order to maintain some sort of self. He has more freedom. If he wants to go work out, he'll usually go during the morning (He works midnight shift) while I'm at work. Then I get home, and even though he's awake and doesn't start work for quite a while, I'll ask to go work out and it's always such a pain for him. He gets to relax, but I have to wait until it's convenient for him and Treyton in order to go. On the weekend, if he wants to go somewhere, I shrug and stay home with Trey and I let him. If I want to, it's always such a hassle, and is very often put off for a better time. I don't have any hobbies, because honestly I don't take much interest in anything; I've never had hobbies. Now though, I desperately want one that I'd enjoy, because then it would at least be mine, some part of me that I could indulge in. "
I feel exactly the same way. We have things worked out equally in theory, but then I am the one that is responsible for everything that get's left over. He has a full time job, I'm with the kids full time. We both go to school part time and share the cooking. On top of that, I have a part time job, I make sure the housework gets done (he will do like 5 chores I specifically ask for per week), I check the mail and pay the bills. I think things would be even if I could quit my job, but we are completely dependant on both our incomes. Even when I worked full time, I found myself doing all the extra kid/house work. I think part of my problem is that I have always thought if I were married I would get to be a SAHM with no job, but I am a WAHM, which is a whole different thing. I feel like my husband doesn't understand how demanding my job is, and how impossible it is to get any work done with a one year old. I just feel like he has all this free time when he's home, and I don't have enough hours in a day to complete all my responsibilities.
I know I was in a different situation - being a SAHM, but after Liam turned about 6 months old and I was on the verge of a breakdown for not getting any time off for the whole time, I informed my DH that HE was responsible for Liam on Sundays because it was MY day off. He didn't believe me until Sunday came and I didn't get up at 1 am when Liam woke up crying. DH poked at me and said "Liam's hungry." I looked at the clock and said "It's Sunday" He looked confused so I added "My day off" I continued the rest of the day to only do things I wanted to do, I didn't make dinner, do laundry or anything.
DH was REALLY livid by the end of the day, saying things like "I don't get a whole day off to do whatever I like" so I countered with "You also don't work 24 hours a day 6 days a week. Whether or not you are here I am responsible. It doesn't matter if it's 2 am or 6 pm, I am responsible. It doesn't matter if I have pnemonia or haven't slept in a week, I still have to do my job. So you can shut up about what you do or don't get. Unless you want to start getting up at 2 am or letting me watch an entire tv show without also having to be washing dishes, running laundry and constantly getting up to check on the kid, you have no say. You forfeited it by taking advantage of me."
My greatest ally in this was my MIL - who completly backed me up when DH called her to complain about my "unfairness."
Just reading yr post magikmama reminded me that how its usually taken very absolute demands from me to my partner to get things to benefit me.
And it took me a long time to be demanding, especially cause I was so worn down & tired (from doing everything).
Why did the easier shit fall into my partners lap without discussion but I had to stomp around and order (or out right refuse) to get a break? To not be the only one who had to think about what needed to be done?
you just articulated somthing that i was unable to put into words until now.
I have a very serious conversation to have with my partner. Thank you
I still don't know how to have this conversation. The times when I've brought it up in the past I've left the discussion feeling like the bad guy for not appreciating how hard he works. And the thing is, I know he works hard. He busts his ass. And works overtime. But he busts his ass from 7am to 5pm 5 days a week. And I bust mine 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
When I've tried to back out of "family activities" on the weekend so that I can have a day where I only take care of only one kid (who I am breastfeeding) rather than both of them, he tells me how he works so hard all week long so that he can hang out with us and totally guilt trips me. blah.
I just have such a hard time asessing where the even ground is or what it looks like.