After the, what, 400th single vs partnered thread, it occurred to me that maybe there might be a reason why so many partnered mamaâs often find themselves saying âI wish I were single.â Hell, I did it myself when I first came to GM, until some wiser members set me on a healthier, less offensive path to unlearning a lot of things. But while this is in NO WAY an excuse for the attitude, I think it may be healthy to examine what it causing this response.
In my own case, what I was trying to come to terms with was my unhappiness at the imbalance of power in my relationship with DH. Of course, most of my frustration was that I couldnât put my finger on where I didnât have power. We used to have the same fight all the time about this, and he would always want me to tell him where he had more power in the relationship than I did, and I couldnât ever find a concrete example. I made more money, wrote the bills, balanced the checkbook, set the budget, wrote the grocery list, picked the daycare, everything! Every major decision, I made it. How could I feel like I had a lack of power? From outside, and even from inside, it looked like I had a glut of power.
But the truth is, true power in a relationship does not always come with decision making or breadwinning. NOT having these things can be a sign of lacking power, but also, not always. What I lacked was the power to say no, to step back, to NOT be the one who did all these things. And the reason I couldnât figure this out was because Iâd spent the first two years of our marriage being a SAHM fighting to be in the position that I was in. I couldnât understand why I was so unhappy and frustrated.
I could go on for hours about how long, and how many little things it took for me to understand that the power to choose not to do something is equally as much a privilege as the power to choose TO do something. Because any relationship that pidgeonholes you into having no choices is taking your power away.
What do you ladies think? Do you think Iâm reading too much into the frequency of these threads or do you think that maybe there is something going on in our relationships that is driving us to distraction?