My son, Reily, has had behavioral issues since he was 18 mos old. It started with severe biting, where he would bite other kids in his preschool, sometimes 5-6 incedents per day. We were eventually asked to leave that center and found a wounderful Co-op daycare that worked with our family for 2 and a half years. The biting decreased but never ceased completely, and other behaviors such as foul language (name calling, threats of harm towards others) and physical aggression in the form of hitting, kicking, etc also emerged. I've read thousands of books, seen a variety of specialists, and tried every form of discipline under the sun but nothing seems to work long term. After we left the Co-op (on good terms more or less), we started a Christian preschool that offered a more structured program, and Reily was doing fabulous, with only a few instances where he "lost control" and had to be sent home. But I guess it was too much for his teachers: one quit and the other was getting worn out, so they, too, asked us too hit the road. Now we are between schools, and I'm bewildered as to what is going on with my kid. There are all sorts of factors that come in to the mix, such as me working full-time, his dad not being around, his being an only child, basic family stress of being in a single parent home, etc, but no one has been able to pinpoint what's up! As a side note, Reily has not witnessed domestic violence; although we have our moments, our family is by no means abusive to him or each other. Also, I have always been a bit obsessive about what he can & cannot watch on TV, so I doubt he's acting out because of violent programs. I let him watch the local PBS station, Noggin, and occasionally the DiscoveryKids station. Nickelodeon is borderline (no Recess or Rugrats in my hosehold, thank you!) And you can forget about Batman, Spiderman, and those other shows that glorify violence. He doesn't ask to watch the aformentioned programs anyway, so it's not an issue, yet. But I digress...
I'm just not sure what to do next, and I'm a little freaked because he starts kindergarten this fall. Right now, he's staying home w/ my mom, but he is starting another new school tomorrow and I'm hoping it works out. I'm afraid to put him on medication because I've heard some horror stories...then again, I've heard of kids who've responded marvelously, so I'm really torn. Perhaps my biggest fear is the label that comes with the diagnosis...or that there will be no diagnosis at all and he'll be doomed to a life of violence and unhappiness. We're going to see a therapist, so hopefully that will shed some light on what's behind this behavior, but I'd love to hear from mamas who have kids with either ADD/ADHD, ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), and other related syndromes. I talk to other moms in the neighborhood who sympathize, but they have no concept of what this is like!
I am not a doctor or any type of professional. But your description of your son reminds me of a book I read about Nancy Spungen, of "Sid and Nancy" fame. She exhibited similar behavior as an infant, and bounced from school to school as she grew up because of her behavior (cursing, biting, violent outbursts, etc). It wasn't until she was in her teens that she was diagnosed as schizophrenic, and was given the appropriate medication. I'm not saying Riely is schizophrenic, but it does sound like there's some sort of organic problem going on. Something chemical in his brain that has nothing to do with living in a single parent home, etc.
Best of luck to you.
First of all - I wanted to tell you that you sound like a really strong person and that you have been trying really hard over the years with your child. It sounds like you are not to blame for your sons violent tendencies.
I was wondering if you had a social worker - not one from the department of youth protection but more like a resource person? Because somebody like that would be informed on programs and services designed for children with behavioral difficulties and they might refer you to something worth while.
But I think your first step would be to go through some sort of testing - don't be afraid to contact a department of physiciatry - its not as scary as you might think - they are there to try to figure things out with you. I know a label is a difficult thing to accept because you might feel doubt but regardless of what label or diagnosis your child recieves- after it comes treatment. You are the parent and you are the one who has the ultimate power over what can be done to help your son.
My son used to act out alot in violent ways when he was young and in daycare. He was having trouble communicating for one because the daycare was french and he was having language problems in english as it was. Anyways lots of things happened and finnaly I went to enroll him in a behavioral treatment program at the department of psyciratry for kindergarten. From the first day they concluded that he had no behavioral problems - only was unable to communicate well and was frustrated and traumatized by it. Finally his diagnosis was PDD-NOS which is basically like a mild autism. Since he went through the program - in which he was in a class with 5 other boys who I must say had very serious behavioral problem, some ADHD and some had other issues - he has been and so good. All it took was somebody to realize that he wasn't trying to do things that were hurtful - but he needed to be understood. Now he is 7 and he is in a special school for kids who are develpomentally delayed - he is doing very well and he is learning to read and write quite well.
I just wanted you to know that sometimes it may be scary to go out and ask for help but there are people out there who deal with the kinds of issues your son has and some are really good at what they do - gifted even...
It must be so hard for you to not know what is going to happen day to day when your son has his whole life ahead of him... but I think things can change when you find the right way. I do feel for you and I am hoping you can work things out.
Thanks Bunny! He has been doing much better lately and has been in a new school. (I don't really like it but I can't complain since he's been able to stay without any major incidents.) We've been working with a grad student at a local university, but she's done about all she can with him. Still, the university has a psych clinic that works on a sliding scale with regards to costs, and we might look into this. We went to a phsychiatrist, but then found out Blue Cross wouldn't cover psych services. It's so weird because he has symptoms of several different syndromes, so it's hard to say what the problem really is. For example, he is hyper-sensitive to certain textures and sounds, which is a symptom of sensory integration disorder, but he's very coordinated, which goes against this disorder. He is often defiant and aggressive, typical of ODD. He also has a short attention span at times and sometimes will forget things that happened very recently. But he can recall details of events that happened weeks, even months ago. Who knows what's up with him. Possibly the hardest part is that he's extremely intelligent. Most support groups and resources I've found are for developmentally challenged or delayed children, but he does not fit those categories. Since testing for above-average intelligence at this age seems to be scarce in my area, it's been a challenge to get people to take my word for it. But perhaps he's maturing, hence the decrease in negative behaviors. I just hope it continues to improve since Kindergarten is only *gasp* 4 months away!
This is in response to 1HotMama...
I can feel your pain, because I've been through the same thing. My son, Cristian, stayed at home with me until he was 2, then was put in a daycare atmosphere, and he basically had such poor social skills from not being around other kids, that he couldn't handle it.
We bounced from daycare to daycare, some places he only lasted an hour. He would hit, bite, run out of the classrooms, etc. and the people just couldn't handle him. And I DO NOT blame them. It was so hard for me to understand because he was SO SWEET at home and never acted out like that. We sat down every night and repeated to each other...'biting hurts, we don't bite' or 'hitting other people is so mean, no more hitting' and he would apologize.
Finally I put him in Early Childhood Education through our school district...but at only two days a week for an hour and 45 minutes, I felt it was kind of a joke. So I tried another daycare, where he lasted about 6 months, but I got phone calls about every week. They really held on for as long as they could.
After that last 'termination' I took him in to be fully evaluated mentally at the Children's Hospital. They prescribed Adderall and he was on it for two weeks, and I discontinued it because he became very quiet and it broke my heart.
I contacted the Greater Minneapolis Daycare Association (i'm hoping every city has something like this because it's a God send) and they sent me a list of providers that specialize in children with DDs. Fast forward to now, he's with an in-home provider who's had her own daycare for 30 years, doesn't put up with any shit, and my child has transformed from being completely out of control into an angel. His social skills rock, and his language is fantastic. He even can play with a large group of kids now...and as lame as it sounds for me to be happy about that, it is a HUGE step. You don't even know.
So hang in there, it'll eventually happen for you. God knows I've cried SO MANY times and felt like I was losing it.
And one more thing...
If you find yourself getting caught up in the "referral merry-go-round" start doing the research on your own. I found that the countless referrals didn't do shit for me. I had to do everything myself.
Good luck, honey.
He sounds a little bit like my son with aspergers syndrome. my son could probably fall under a couple different syndromes. I just recently read about ODD which also sounds like my son. I know you said you've read a million books but if you haven't read it yet I'd reccomend The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W Greene. Get it used or from the library if you can because they are coming out with a new edition soon.
Also I know I diagnosis sounds like a stigmatizing thing that will haunt him for life but it can actually help him. If you get him evaluated with a doctor it's your choice whether to tell the school about your sons diagnosis or not. If his behaviors are because of a disability you can get an IEP meeting with the public school where you & the staff write goals for him. You can also write a behavioral plan.
I feel your pain.. Xander is having to go in for a complete assessment with children's hospital.. alot of his actions would make him seem as if he had aspergers, but we won't completely know anything for awhile. It's so very hard to be patient and parent a child with behavioral issues. Xander keeps me on my feet all day long [just wed alone he almost caught the house on fire, opened his bedroom window in the second story of the house--the window he is constantly seem from outside standing in-geez.. and had multiple melt downs]..
melt downs in our house have become a way of life. He also exhibits OCD, and ADHD type sympthoms [i have ocd.. my husband most likely has ADD-as well as me-but we were never formally diagnosed.]
There have been oh so many days of me breaking down and just sobbing into my pillow because of not knowing what to do, how to deal.. how to go really. Xander's behavioral issues also started at around 18 months. I'm not really sure of any advice I can give you.. Im only a PM or IM away if your feeling stressed and need to talk..
Another thing to check for is bi-polar. I had the same tendencies as a kid, behavioral problems, sensitive to texture, problems learning but great memory retention, testing above average. I didn't get diagnosed until about 1 1/2 ago, but looking through my history my psychologist said I had a classic case of early childhood onset bi-polar disorder. It is usually misdiagnosed because bi-polar disorder usually begins around puberty or early adulthood, during hi-trauma periods. However, there have been several documented cases of early childhood onset. Alot of times it happens during false accusations of childhood sexual abuse, because young kids with bi-polar tend to display extremely high libidos, which is completley unusual with pre-pubescence. Alot of times this is misunderstood as being a sign of sexual abuse.