The older Kiddo and I get, the more insanely inappropriate these issues that come up seem to be... but, I'm hoping folks might have some advice or something anyway... and it won't be long before your kiddos are teenagers too!
Kiddo and I went to an IEP (special ed) meeting at his school on Monday. One of the teachers enclosed a letter with concerns that she felt that Kiddo had a "substance abuse problem." The incident she described in the letter happened months and months ago, and there were other things that could have explained his behavior. He was upset after having a fight with me and spent most of that morning in the guidance office crying- then he goes to class and seems 'out of it' and his teacher thinks he's using drugs.
I've found no evidence of Kiddo using drugs. He doesn't really get a lot of spending money or unsupervised time (he's 14) and I've never found papers or baggies in his room or anything. We've talked a lot about drugs. I'm not really anti-pot, but I'd wish Kiddo to wait unitl he was in high school or preferably college before he really started experimenting with it. Most of all, I want Kiddo to stay away from harder drugs like heroine or cocaine or meth... and even stay away from people who are using those drugs.
So Hub and Kiddo and I composed this long letter to the teacher about how there were other reasons why Kiddo was acting that way and we wish she had contacted us when it happened, or had talked to Kiddo to get the full story before making accusations.
Then today, I intercepted an email message that he sent to his friend a few weeks ago when he was on Spring Break from school. It was all about how stoned he was and how he thought his cat was talking to him and how it must have been the "chronic or reefer" (spelled wrong). Either Kiddo was faking this to try to 'be cool' or he's really smoking pot sometimes when he's home alone. I feel like I was played- we wrote this long letter in his defence, and now it looks like he really was smoking pot.
What do I do? Do I confront Kiddo and let him know that I have access to his email- which means I won't have access to it anymore? Even if I confront him, what do I say? I'm not totally anti- but I don't like the idea of him smoking pot- especially at school, and especially when he's so young.
I've smoked, but I don't like to do it right now. I know lots of good people who smoke pot, but I also know lots of people that do nothing but smoke pot- which is kind of a waste. I don't want to be a hyocrite, but I don't want to get played either.
I also want to add that there have been times when people have accused me of being stoned when I totally wasn't. This happened several times in middle school and high school- at a time in my life when I DID use some drugs, but wasn't actually high at the times they thought I was. Then, a few years ago, I picked Kiddo up late from his afterschool program because Hub and I had some confusion about who was supposed to do it, and I was really frantic to discover that Kiddo had been left there, and really appoligetic to the after school teacher. The next day, they told my husband that they thought I was stoned. This really bothered me because I think they just made this judgement because I'm young and live in a poor neighborhood- even though I was a full time PhD student at the time was working two jobs and staying up late studying and never had time for pot or anything like that. So I guess, for these reasons, I was really defensive when Kiddo's teacher wrote the letter about thinking that Kiddo was doing drugs. I've never talked to her in person, either, so it was a really weird situation.
First of all I understand your concern in my own way. I know I am not a mother but I have maternalish feelings toward my little sister becuase my mom was not around much when I was little. She is in 8th grade and she is 14 just like your son. I am not anti-pot either I just wish she would have waited until high school like I did. I am worried that because it is all hitting so early that she is going to end up in a lot of trouble. Then again I am a huge hipocrite because I don't really have a problem with her drinking responsibly. I did not until the summer after 8th grade but I feel like she is very mature.
Anyway the point is that I would be VERY upset if I found my mother reading my e-mails or my sister's. I feel that it is an invasion of privacy. I know you ahve already done it and i am not trying to condemn you for it at all, I just think that you should stop in the future because it has potentially very negative effects on your relationship with your son. Though since you have read it you should tell him that you have but he should NOT be in trouble because you read it without his permission.
Keep in mind that I am not trying to be commanding nor pretend I know what I am tlaking about from a parental point of view. :D Good for you on talking to your son about these kinds of issues I can't even imagine how hard that is!!!
LTL, I can see how you feel about the privacy issue. Maybe it's crossing a line. I probably would have felt like that before Kiddo became a teenager.
I don't think he has a 'right' to privacy on this computer. I found out he was looking at porn once when I noticed it in the 'history' folder, and we had a talk about porn, and the exploitation of women and how unrealistic these images are. I don't have a problem with my husband looking at porn, but when Kiddo was ten years old, I'm glad I knew about it and we had a chance to talk. A few years later, he figured out how to erase the items in the history folder. He'll probably, eventually, figure out how to keep his email more private. Until that time, though, if he's not sophisticated enough to figure out how to keep his communication private, he's not entitled to have privacy, especially when it comes to things like pot or sex.
I mean, nobody ever read my diary when I was younger. I'm glad that I was afforded that kind of respect. At the same time, my parents were very hands-off about a lot of things, and I got involved in some pretty fucked up situations that I wasn't ready for.
Kiddo and I actually talked this afternoon, about how, at the school meeting, while other teachers were vocal about how they didn't think Kiddo used drugs, his English teacher stayed quiet. By the look on the teacher's face, I wondered if he had questions about that. When I asked Kiddo, today, he admitted to talking about pot in class. From what I gathered, though, it didn't seem like Kiddo really knew what 'chronic' or 'reefer' really ARE. He said that he wanted his friends to THINK he smoked pot.
We didn't get a chance to really talk about WHY he wanted kids to think he was doing drugs but not his parents or teachers. It's really weird to be on the 'them' side of an 'us and them' mentality.
Maybe snooping to find out what my kid is doing, makes me a 'THEM' and untrustworthy, but otherwise, I'd just be oblivious. He talks with me about some things, but not the things that he knows that I'd object to.
I SOOOOO dread this situation. My oldest is 9 1/2 so I feel like my time is running out! The older my kids get the more conservative (yuck, did I just describe myself as conservative?) I get about these kind of issues. At one point the idea of snooping into something my kids wrote, would have made me sick. But now I'm like,....if it keeps them safe.....isn't that my job? I know I'm gonna feel like the hugest hypocrite, but at this point I don't see a way around it. Thanks for sharing this, keep us posted on how things are going....what works and what doesn't. It would be great if you could just figure this out for me, like in the next couple of years, it would save me allot of trouble! :lol:
if your son doesn't feel comfterble comming to you about things, that your views may differ, you may want to find someone that he fully trusts. That means someone that wont tell you anything unless he's in danger.
I know that sounds horrible but I know it was a life saver for me.
I was a big time pothead in high school which eventually lead to many other drugs which lead to being expelled from school. Thankfully, I turned out just fine. But in some ways, I wish my parents did more to involve themselves in my life (even when I did shut them out of it). I never felt comfortable talking to my parents about drugs or sex because they were opposed to it and made that very clear. I think the best thing to do in your situation is just make sure that your boy knows that even if you're opposed to him doing something, you're always willing to talk about it. Open dialogue/communication really helps kids figure things out. And if reading his email is what's keeping you in-the-know than I don't really see the harm in it. Good luck!!
I guess I am just privileged in the sense that I can leave my diary out on my bed and my mom has promised never to read it. On the other hand if I ran away or something of the nature I am sure she would because she would be concerened. I do not think it is wrong for you to read the e-mail since he is not protecting it but if I still feel uncomfortable with the fact that you are doing it behind his back KWIM? If you tell him then frankly it is his fault. He should learn how to be more responsible. I also admit to being very priveliged because my mother is willing to talk to me about ANY of this stuff and I don't get in trouble. She knows I drink on a regular basis (whatever that means... not school nights and not every weekend) and that i have smoked pot before. OKay I take back any... ciggarettes... if she knew. I would be DEAD. So I hide that from her.
Yeah I guess I see what you mean about the "us" and the "them" concept because even though I would like to say that I am closer to you than to your son, that is probably not the case. I am only three years older than he is so I relate to the feeling of my privacy being invaded more than needing to "invade." My mom always says that she is more worried about my sister because she is hush hush, whereas I just tell her what a lil naughty girl I am haha. Also when I was younger I probably would not have been able to make the judgements on what is a little bad versus what is a lot bad. In 9th grade I used to smoke in the alley near school, now I won't even smoke (and yes i just mean ciggarettes) anywhere except for shows. I think as your son gets older you will probably become more willing to give him privacy and leniency as he earns the right to it and I totally understand that.
My mom has always told me that no matter what kind of trouble i am in, or what i do, even if i know she'll think it is bad, that i can still talk to her about it. No matter what. And it's not like one of those things where i'm like "mom, i smoked pot and it made me feel sick" (or something) and she's like "OMG I CANT BELIEVE YOU, YOU'RE GROUNDED, YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR FRIENDS..etc.." Since i confided in her, she just trys to find a way to make it better, or talk to me about it in a non-judgemental way..because she knows that i obviously came to her for help. My suggestion is just to let your son know that you are always there for him to talk to no matter what happens, and that you will try to help him as best as you can. when my mom told me that, i pretended to feel weird (i dont know why) but secretly, i was kind of relieved that i had that kind of support....and i really do go to her for everything. Also, i'm not saying that if you caught him smoking pot you shouldn't get mad and punish him, but i'm saying your approach on getting him to talk to you should just be to be open and supportive with him.
i worded that wrong, because it sounds like i wanted you to be supportive of him when he wanted to talk, and then blow up at him when he actually does something wrong. i am really bad at trying to explain what i mean, so i hope you are getting me on this. I just think the only thing you can do to help him, without invading his privacy and losing his trust, is talk to him and tell him you'll be there if he has something he needs to tell you. and then if he does confide in you, you should just try to help him somehow (along with punishing if it needs to be done) but don't do it in an angry way, because thats what made me run from my parents at first until they gained my trust kwim?
I didn't first try pot until the end of my junior year in high school. But I wanted to "fit in" with my friends who were already into it (as well as chemicals), so I wore T-shirts with the marijuana leaf on it, wore studded wristbands, and even went so far as to keep a small baggy of pencil sharpenings in my purse (so if anyone glanced in it looked like weed...I guess since I wasn't smoking it with them, I still wanted them to think I smoked it sometimes). I don't know why I had to keep up the pretense or why I felt the need to fit in, but I totally can understand your son wanting to do it. He may well be just talking the talk in his emails to sound cool and not actually smoking. (Pot doesn't make you hallucinate, I don't think, so that he'd think the cat was talking to him.) I think all you can do at this point is to keep looking for signs - are his eyes red? Do you smell it at all on his clothing? Until you have more concrete evidence, I think the best you can do is just keep your eyes and ears wide open. Good luck!
PS This is just one reason why I want to put Andrea in a plastic bubble until she's about 30. :D
Tough call, mama. I am nowhere near the teen years with mine, so keep that in mind as you read. I am sure a lot will change by the time I face this situation.
You are so right that it's your job to keep him safe. You are responsible for him, and you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if he comes into harms way. But on the other hand, he is getting into the years where your job is not to hold him back but to catch him when he falls. 4 years, mama. 4 years and he will be on his own. He has to have time to make his mistakes while you're still there for him, so that he can learn enough that he can handle life without you. KWIM? Saying, "I wish he'd wait til highschool" creates a pretty arbitrary distinction. It's not about when, it's about how. And how should he experiment? Safely.
I think the suggestion miguelsmommy wrote is really good. As a studet, I would not have talked to my parents no matter how open they were, but I did have teachers and other adults that I trusted with really intimate information. Talk to his english teacher, see if he can be an ally of yours while still being one to your son. Be honest about your concerns and see if he can give you a real assessment of where your son is at. IMO, parents of teens need not know exactly what their kid is doing, but they do need help in understanding when their kid is falling apart, so to speak.
I don't think parents have a right to their kids e-mail, diaries, notes, etc... I think the most honorable thing to do would be to decide not to do it again, fess up, apologize, and let him know why you did it. Tell him that you want to honor his privacy, but that you don't want to be a fool. Let him know about your predicament--your job is to make sure he isn't going too far, but you aren't getting the info you need to do your job, you know?
The bottom line, IMO, is to talk to the adukts in his life and stop snooping.
I agree mostly with Britt on this situation. I mean I remember being younger and freaking out when I spilled something or broke something because I knew my mom would freak. But if i would do it at my grandmas house she would just show me the best way to clean it up or fix it. I feel like if I make it clear to my daughter that I dont agree with the things she is doing and yes she might get punished for it, but that she can trust me because I will help her get through whatever she needs to with out freaking out, then she will come to me more then if i didnt. I completley think you are doing the right thing by talking to him quite a bit though. I think this is not only a topic about pot but also a topic about the fact that kids are doing things a lot sooner then they used to. I mean I know kids in junior high that smoke pot but when I was in junior high non of my friends smoked. This issue bring to my mind tons of others as well.
minnimomma, what you just said brings up another issue for me. just because you didn't know anyone who was smoking pot in jr. high doesn't mean it wasn't happening. I started smoking pot in junior high, and my BD, who is in his 30's, also started smoking pot in junior high.
It isn't really a "kids today" situation. All kids are different, and our kids may not be just like we (or our friends) were.
Can you keep your computer in the den or your bedroom, somewhere where he won't have complete privacy?
I can remember getting completely pissed at my parents for going through my stuff and reading letters (we didnt have email way back then :0) but when it comes down to it, your job is to protect your child and even yourself. Were he to get in legal trouble for drug posession, you could be held responsible.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I HATE when people today say that kids today are just different. My mother acts like it is ONLY our generation that everyone drinks in college. I mean HELLO when she was in college she was of legal drinking age but somehow she is convinced that it is kids TODAY that the problem. HRMPH.
Sorry... go back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Ouisch, your story about your own experiences really made me feel better. I think that's what Kiddo is going through in school now. He was actually suspended last year when they found oregano (in the original spice canister) in his locker- and he really had no explanation for having it there that made any sense at the time. There were other things going on then, too, and I took him out of school for the rest of the year and homeschooled him. I think, now that he has returned, he's struggling to fit in this at school. I wish we had other options, but for now, he's just got to hang in there for another few months. Hope high school is better.
We go to this place called the Electric Maid, and there are young people his age and a little older- some smoke pot or cigarettes or drink, and some don't. Kiddo feels totally comfortable there- like he doesn't have to pretend to be someone he's not. Too bad school can't be like that too.
Kiddo and I DO talk a lot, and he has adults in his life that he can confide in. I wouldn't ever punish him for anything like this. If he lied about where he was going, or what how he was spending his money, or if he did something that was dangerous, THEN, he'd be punished... but he's basically a pretty good and up front kid. I mean, if I found out he was having sex, would I punish him? NO! But I would make sure he knew about the risks of unprotected sex, and knew where and how to contact health care resources, and that he had condoms available. Really, I'm already talking with him about these things.
Compared to other parents, I don't think I'm super-strict, nor am I super-permissive. It's a hard line to tow.
And unless I'm totally blind to what 'kids today' are doing, I don't think that things are all that different. In fact, in a lot of ways, I think that Kiddo's generation is a lot more supervised than mine, or folks that are a bit older than me. I wouldn't want Kiddo to be doing the things I was doing when I was his age- and Kiddo's a lot more supervised than I was. Then again, he's a different kid.
I hope you did not think I was talking about you when I made my rant because it had nothing to do with you as a parent at all. People have just been saying that a lot around me these days, especially my mom and regaurding me being "questioning" of my sexuality. It is just making me mad. Sorry to put it in your thread. You are an awesome mama.
I didn't think that! I was agreeing with you.
I'm sorry that your mom doesn't seem to be accepting of your 'questioning'. People have always done that, but I think, as time moves on, it's a lot more out in the open than it used to be. That's a great thing, though.