I have one daughter, a toddler. I feel that we have a great relationship, very close.. She has such an interesting personality, she constantly amazes me..
BUT, I'm starting to feel bad for her. I think being a young mother, I put so much pressure on us as a family. I have this us against the world mindset. I just want everything to work out and fall into place, as a big fuck you to everyone. I'm trying to be this amazing mother with this amazing kid and it's not right. It's not up to a baby to make sure I'm validated or revered by other women, by society.
Whenever I take her to the park (i know im going to sound horrible for this) I feel good when my 19 month old can accomplish stuff that her peers who have older mothers and nannies and $800 strollers cant grasp. I know it's horrible, every child child moves at their own pace, it's not the child's fault...I just can't help this feeling.
I'm just worried that my child will have certain disadvantages in life because of me. My child counting to 7 now isn't going to change the fact that I'm constantly questioned as to whether she's my daughter. My daughter isn't going to single-handedly break down stereotypes and society's expectations (or lack thereof) of me.
I feel horrible. Why do I need this validation? I don't even know if it's that so much as revenge ( for the lack of a better term)?
PS - I must sound like a horrible mother who uses her child and forces her to count against her will. One day she just started after watching a Dora episode.
hey, i hear ya. and i likely even have more privilege than you do in terms of the age i was when i had noah. when he was a baby, i constantly pushed him to "succeed." i mean, really, to be perfect all he had to do was like, breathe, but i went to the library all the time and copied down notes on how the privileged ppl would make their kids succeed in life. i drew flashcards and read him my anatomy textbooks. i tried to "train" him to crawl, i think we might have even done it as part of a routine i set up. i played classical music, and did all the other things they say you have to do to get yer kids to be smart.
i got so burnt out!! after doing allllll that, i eventually noticed that he was his own little person and would do whatever he wanted to do anyways. i'm sure the flashcards make great teething toys, and sitting on my lap while i read him university books likely just made him enjoy being close to mama, i doubt he picked up on the facts about the nervous system.
then i realized it was all about ME. about how sad i was that i wasn't older, or married, or rich, or had luxuries available to me. its like i had to prove to them all that my kid was still super cool even if i was all alone as broke as fuck. like he'd go places in life EVEN IF i was his mom. i think i still struggle with all that sometimes.
what helped me was telling myself again and again that i was meant to be his mom, that i was the best person to raise him, and that our lives (while not easy), were this way because it would make us super strong and great and learn alot about ourselves that we wouldn't if we were spoiled and whatnot. sometimes its hard to remember that when you're surrounded by privilege, but honey it is sooo true.
besides, albert einstein's mama was a brokeass single mom too ;)
so keep your chin up, a lot of us can relate to what you are saying, and you most definitely are a wikkid mama even if your daughter hasn't mastered physics by age 2.
i agree with kaya...
its rough being a poor young mama... we all wish that our kids would win the spelling bee, crawl first, and be valdictorian just to say see my kid did better then yours even tho i was young poor single whatever... but in the end i guess we have to realize they will do things when they are ready and will only do as good as we teach them too. we raise them right and they go from there. we may not have the money or be older but we can still raise kick ass kids...
I went through this too, and if I'm honest, I STILL DO. My son is six, he was always real bright and ahead of the curve and I felt a very petty little stab of victory when he could do so many things his peers couldn't. He still is ahead, but I've made a conscious effort to let him keep his accomplishments as his own, and not take them over.
I guess what changed for me was realizing that my kiddo's being bright had more to do with me reading to him and talking to him and taking him as many places as I could - me doing things RIGHT, rather than other people doing things wrong.
It was - and still is - really hard for me to dissociate myself from my kiddo's accomplishments, to say, "Yeah, I helped him along, but he's the one who did it." Because he is. And I have to do my own thing, and let him do his. And cheer him on and encourage him however I can.
It feels like everyone is staring at me, waiting for me to screw up. Wondering how someone like me could raise a kid like him. But by now I smile, because the proof's in front of them, adding double-digit numbers and reading chapter books while lots of kids in his kindergarten class still don't know all their letters.
You sound as if you're doing everying you can to enrich your kiddo and encourage her interest - keep at it. It's you doing things RIGHT. Good luck!
oh i can totally relate with this.
I get really jeolous if theres a kid in my daughters class who can do something "better" or "before" my daughter. I have such high expectations for her, because 1) shes very intelligent and 2) because i want to prove people wrong . this is so wrong of me, i know. i have really been trying to work on it. I want people to be like " wow, she raised that kid,and even though shes a poor/young/single/welfare mother, that kid is a super genius!"
Yeah but like somebody said, its not us who deserves the credit, it's our kids. and they're all gonna do their own thing at their own pace, and i just have to accept that.