Husband treats my daughter different because she is not his

I have never been in a situation like that, but have you tried asking him about it? I don't exactly know how you would ask, but you don't want accuse him and make him feel angry. Just mention it... that is a hard situation. Has he been like this since you started dating him? Hmmm... he should understand you know and he did know you had a daughter when you started dating him. I am sorry, it must be stressful. But I suggest asking him about it.

try talking to him about it? Tell him how you feel. If he realizes he does it ask him why? It's all about communication.

i've actually been in a similar but different situation...
my gf and my son started off really well, and then for a lot of different reasons, she treated him..well, not very well and he acted out and it was a vicious cycle.

i'm echoing what others are saying. talk to him. and not, "oh, you need to try to ease up on her, please"
no no no.
you need to be assertive. it's unacceptable for him to treat her badly. i understand, to a degree, how he's going to treat her differently then the son you two had together...but he's been around her for this long, he very well knew that you had a kid when y'all got together...
these things don't get better or go away unless you put your foot down and demand that he treat her with respect and compassion and love. she's a part of this relationship, too.

maybe my response is a little over the top, but i'm trying to stress to you that it does get worse unless you confront it head on. i really really don't want you to go through what my little family went through.
(sidenote: she went home- a few states away, i snapped out of the "weeble is sick and evil and i might need to give him up" mindframe i'd taken on, fought hard for him, broke up with her, she called me and spilled what was really wrong, we're working it out now, with her completely aware of what's acceptable and what's unacceptable and actually really cool with weeble, again.) ((there's a lot of backstory, but that's the jist of it))

talk it out, figure out what the problem is, work on fixing it, down the road when things are a bit better, suggest they regularly go someplace alone together to play and bond and whatnot.

good luck, keep us informed.

I don't know if I agree that having them spend time together to play or whatever is a great idea at this point. Maybe down the line when if he starts doing better with her, but at this point it sounds kind of risky.

I do agree that you need to talk to him though. i am a step-mom, and it's a complicated thing to bond with and care for someone's else's child. I know this really well.

But he does need to treat her with care and respect, whether she is his kid or not. If he cannot do that, I can't see how it can work. He needs to know that your kid is not going anywhere and that you will not stand for her being treated poorly. You can't live with someone who is unkind to your child.

my step dad , was exactually the way ur husbands acting with me and my sisters he was around us when we were young then mum had to kids with him so he had two of his own and pretty much disliked me and my sister for not being his i guess.

when my mum got home from work illd always moan at her for how my step father was treating me and my sister , he would change then when she was away he was a cunt again.

Im not saying this is happening in your case but was in mine , talk to him and tell him how you feel , just say that she looks up at your as her dad , she loves you and doesnt deserve to be treated like shes noone to you , see if he improves .

hope this helps , good luck

chontelle-- do not use the word cunt in a negative context on this site. Thank you.

oops opps sorry

I first of all want to say, he is NOT her father he should NOT be disaplenting her! I dont believe that step parents should be the ones to spank or disaplen. If he tells her no she cant do something naught or makes her sit in time out thats dif. only if you are not around. I think you should make it very clear that she comes with the package. You are with her. You love him but it is your sole duty as a mother to protect and care for your child! You def. need to have some communication going. Talk about it that is the most important thing right now.

I disagree. In a partnership, child rearing needs to be equal. I'm remarrying and I can't imagine a life of having to to continually carry the burden of discipline just because my partner didn't happen to be there when my children were concieved.
The problem with Mandy's husband is that he disciplines her daughter innapropriately, and his treatment of her would be unacceptable even if he was her natural father.

mandy-
Make sure your husband KNOWS how you feel. And make sure he knows a but about child development. Perhaps in his childhood, the behavior your daughter displays was unacceptable, and he may just not know what is normal and what is not. Also, he may have been treated meanly as a child as well. That doesn't mean it's OK for him to be mean to her, but figuring out the root of the problem may hep you solve it.

Good luck.

I was in the exact same situation you are in now. I really, really love my husband, but my daughter has to come first. For four years, I put up with him treating her badly, yelling at her, expecting her to be perfect. He treats my son so well, and it was so hard to live with. I tried talking to him. Sometimes he would promise to do better. He would cry and say he felt so bad and I needed to help him. Then, he would be just as bad, yelling at her, expecting her to be calm and quiet. I finally realized that I was teaching her that it was OK for her to be treated like this. She was learning that the only man in the world who was definitely supposed to love and protect her, was scary. I realized that she was living in terror, and it was not OK. I left my husband. It was hard, and I really loved him, but I had to do it to protect her. Since I left, she has been a MUCH happier child. I talk to her about it a lot. We talk about how important she is, how she deserves to be treated, and how he treated her was NOT ok. Since the most important man in her life is treating her this way, and treating her brother differently, she is learning that this is how men treat women. She is learning that her brother, a boy, is more important than her, a girl. She is learning that whatever you, a woman say doesn't matter because your husband, a man, has ultimate say. Even if this is not intentional, this is the dynamic and it has to stop. Your little girl needs to be put firt and foremost before your husband. She needs to know she is important to you, and it is not OK for anyone to hurt her. She needs to see you protecting her. Separate from your husband, and get him to go to counseling. You can work on your relationship without causing your daughter more pain. My husband and I have a much better relationship now. We are not living together because he has a lot of work to do in counseling before I will trust him again. Please do what is best for your daughter. She needs to see you being strong. Your love for him is probably clouding your judgement of what is going on, and you may not even realize how bad things are. When he does something that upsets you, write it down. When you are angry, write down why. Then you can read those things to remind you why you have to be strong for your daughter. Please do what you need to do to protect your child. I know how it feels to be in that situation, and I finally got out. PM me if you need anything, or if you want to talk more.

thanks for that, mama butterfly.