Okay, I really need to vent.. I've been with my boyfriend for eighteen months and we've been living together for about 15 months.. we used to be so close, but now I feel like all we ever do is fight.. I can't keep mliving like this.. I feel like he's constantly jumping down my throat and nothing I do is ever good enough.. and honestly its really taking its toll on me..
I'm 9 weeks pregnant and completely off all my antidepressants (since I found out I was preg).. and really I feel like I'm going to snap.. and thats not a good thing (I have a history of drug abuse/dependence, self-injury, depression, OCD, & panic/anxiety disorder).. I don't want to make myself off as being this fragile little creature that everyone had to tiptoe on eggshells when they are around me, but I not the most stable person on earth and I swear sometimes that he just likes to see how far he can push me.. I desperately want this relationship to work out; i truly do love him, and we are having a child together.. but its not going to work if I'm the only one putting forth any effort to change things.. I just feel so stuck and hopeless right now..
I feel like our relationship is falling apart..
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Mon, 2005-07-11 19:56
#1
I feel like our relationship is falling apart..
Hey,
I'm sorry you're struggling. Did you notice the changes in the relationship seemed to center around you finding out about the pregnancy? You said you're just 9 weeks and I know the initial reactions can be less than desirable. Were you seeing a counselor for your meds or was it your general practitioner? I don't know what you're med combination was but if you feel like you can't comfortably continue the pregnancy without them, then by all means talk to your counselor or doc about options that won't harm the fetus. I had a friend who used antidepressants throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding with her midwife's blessing.
Do you feel that you two are both happy about the pregnancy or is it hard to tell right now? Maybe you could meet with a mediator who could see the situation from an objective standpoint and offer up advice that way.
Keep us posted and good luck! :)
Is this something that you want to work on? Or would you be better off leaving?
If you want to work on it, could you try couples councling? I know that starting off living together in a relationship can be really hard, because it can take a long time for you two to see each other outside of the beginning relationship haze (I have always starting having major issues with the person I'm seeing at two years). But, a councler could really help the two of you sort through this. If he's unwilling to go, you could just go on your own -- they are good at working with only one of the partners as well.
I really don't want to have to end the relationship.. i still love him and care about him very much.. I'm not ready to give up yet.. As far a counseling, I've been in therapy with my current counselor for well over a year and he has came with me on a few occasions.. counseling has helped to somke degree but he is reluctant to be really open and honest with the counselor and the majority of our issues are stemming from issues related to drug use.. when the relationship began I was into it a whole lot more than he was and as time went on he started using heavier.. than about six months ago I started cutting back and now that I'm pregnant I want to give up that lifestyle.. I know its not easy.. I am struggling myself, but he doesn't seem very willing to give it up right now..
on thing i've learned is that relationships change a lot around about year 2. when lust and the feeling that everything is shiney and new and wonderful wears off. then the real work starts. plus pregnancy changes everything!
also, there are lots of anti-depressants that are safe during pregnancy. most are not harmful to fetus. if you find yr depression kicking yr ass, it might be worth it to consider meds again, under a docs supervision. are you working with a therapist? there are good strategies to reduce depression that a therapist can help you with.
its good to think of parenting alone as a realistic outcome of any relationship. i'm not saying that its going to happen, but so many of my mama friends who thought they'd parent with their babydaddies aren't after all. so chosing to become a mama should be made knowing that it might be as a single mama. would you be able to do that? what kind of things have you planned for-- health insurance, home, childcare, yr education & goals, etc? i don't know yr story at all, but do you want to become a mother under these circumstances? a lot of strong women on this site have chosen not to parent after finding themselves pregnancy, because the situation changes. its your choice to decide what you want!!
relationship therapy is a good choice. so is having a heart to heart convo with yr man. go over the big issues before the baby comes!!!
I have had relationship problems w/ bd off/on since Lyric was born. We still care about eachother and love eachother, he moved out in June temporarily and still comes over and helps with Lyric and watches her and gives me money for bills. It has worked well for us and we are getting along much better. Plus he has depression and that was hard on the relationship, so he is working on that as well... plus I am understanding it better. But maybe taking a break from each other might help...? That helped me! Good luck.
^^That is soo true. About the conciling thing, maybe the problem is that he doesnt feel comfortable with the counciler that you have, could you have him/her recomend one that maybe your bf will be more comfortable wiht? And if you feel like you need the meds to be stable, I would definitely talk to your ob about it. I think it would be better for you and the pregnancy if you are stable. I hope every thing works out between you two, but remember that if it doesnt you can still be a great parent even if he is out of the picture completely!
Hey. Im going through alot of the same issues as you. I had alot of the same problems. The drug one is sort of a problem right now, but not really. I geuss it depends all on what drugs it is he is using. My situation wont really help you out here if its something really addictive hes doing, but if its just drugs in general ... what we do really works for us. I was really addicted to meth and I got clean, then when I found out I was pregnant, that was the end of smoking marajuana even. My boyfriend was very supportive of me quitting, he hates meth with a passion, and he really cut down his drug use for me so that I wouldnt feel uncomfortable being sober while everyone else was high. However every once and a while he still goes out and does drugs. However, on these occasions, he lets me know what and when he will be doing them. If for some reason I feel uncomfortable with it, we talk about it. I think its something you have to be open with. If he is doing them at home I usually go out with friends that night, and make sure I have a good time so that I dont feel like im missing out on anything. Or if I do stay home and him being high is bothering me, I tell him I need some alone time and I go into my bedroom. (we have seperate rooms) Then theres outside the house... We both go to raves alot, but we like diffrent types of music so we dont usually go together unless I decide to go with him or he is throwing the party (hard to get away from that scene when your boyfriends a DJ and throws parties). If I am by myself the drugs dont bother me at all, I will always know someone there who is clean that i can talk to if its bugging me, but in genereral I will just dance all night and chat with my friends and its all good. If he goes with me, he tells me before hand what he will be doing, and It dosent really bother me because he is being open about it. If he starts doing what I think is too much I will express my concern but I wont tell him to do anything, and that way he knows how I feel without me controling him. I think just talking about it and not setting limits but letting eachother know how your feeling about it can really help. I talked to a D&A councilur once and she told me the problem isnt quitting drugs while your pregnant. Alot of women have no problem cutting cold turkey when they find out. Its after the baby comes that the problem occurs. So if your worried about falling back into use when the baby comes, I would have a serious talk with your boyfriend about this.