After making a firm decision, I decided I should get it done as soon as possible. I called around and found a women's health clinic affiliated with Planned Parenthood that could fit me in the next morning (this was Thursday). I arrived there 16 hours ago armed with a list of reasons actually written down why this is the right choice for me to go back to if I start to panic or need a gentle reminder when things got emotional. Haunted by a dream I had had the night before in which I regretted this decision horribly, I chalked it up to jitters and tried my best to meditate in the waiting room. BD sat in the waiting room cracking rape jokes in a fucking feminist health clinic despite my efforts to quiet him. The only reason I let him come at all was because he was paying the full $425 it cost that I don't have on his credit card.
The counseling was unbelievable and I just kept feeling better and better in my decision as time went on. Two hours later I sat before the doctor faced with the pill that would begin the process of a medical abortion and I swallowed it without hesitation and felt instant relief that lasted all of 10 minutes. In the car I started crying uncontrollably and nothing has felt right since. I feel so heartbroken inside, empty and alone. Everything reminds me of the pregnancy and I wonder how firm I was in my decision suddenly. This is absolutely NOT intended to scare anyone who is thinking of having an abortion. I could totally be going through just a funk that will subside in a few days and my experience is obviously as unique and valid as the woman with no doubts. I just don't know. Anything. I feel so sad and defeated inside. Nothing like I thought I would. I keep going back to posts I made before I had the abortion (which is every one) and thinking "Let me just go back and think some more. Let me go back to THEN."
Anyone who has been through this, please PM me. I really need someone right now, I just feel like I'm falling apart inside.
Hey. I have never had an abortion so I cant empathize with you, but I think you did a really good thing when you made that list of reasons. Maybe it would help if you go back and read it, or make a new list reafirming that it was the best thing for you, it will help you feel better? I might not be able to understand fully what you are going through, but maybe I can be a friend for you right now. If you cant find someone to talk too (I know its late and not many people are online right now) feel free to chat to me. My MSN is
and if you dont have them I have AIM and yahoo, just PM me to go online.
I moved this to "Your Stories"
I am glad it was a firm decision for you. I have never had an abortion before, but what you are feeling I think is totally valid. Don't worry if you you ever need someone to talk to PM me and there are lots of girls on girl-mom that you can advice from. Hugs to you.
i haven't had an abortion so i can't put myself in your shoes. i can say that like any major life decision people have different reactions. some people are going to feel incredibly relieved with no regrets, others are gonna question and ask the what if- questions. and of course there are the reactions that fall in between.
take care of yourself. pamper yourself as much as possible.
and mama, drop that guy. he sounds horrible for you.
pm if you ever need anything.
i've had more than one abortion, and i can relate to how you are feeling. its too bad you couldn't have gotten a surgical one, because when you do that its over and done that day, no more pills and all the rest of it that takes a little while to be effective. it can help with working through your feelings afterwards.
something you need to keep in perspective is that this is not going to define who you are. your life is not over and things will get easier. if you want to be a mother at some point, that is still possible. but i know from experience that having a baby with a man like your bd is not easy. while i love my son immensely, i don't know if i can even articulate the pain and hurt that i had to live through for so long because of his dad's abuse. my life has been in danger, my son's life has been in danger, we have been hungry, alone, afraid, and shit outta luck more than once. i read your other threads about your bd and didn't/couldn't comment because it was so triggering to read about a man that sounds so much like my ex, but i am VERY proud of you for taking the first step away from him and ending that pregnancy. did you know abusive men get worse when their partners are pregnant? its true, and so don't fool yourself into thinking it might have worked out. it likely would have gotten much worse, it likely would have been very hard and hurt you very much, and you likely would have wished things could be different.
and now is your chance. you took control over your life and your future by going to that clinic, keep that strength and move forward. demand better for your life and do whatever it takes to be safe and happy. a baby brought into abuse is not the dream that it might seem now that its not available anymore. remember that you might have ended one thing, but you also opened the door to begin so many others.
it is going to be ok, but you need to go easier on yourself. take time apart from things and really think about what you value and what you want out of life. hormones are likely going to be kinda wonky lately as well, so keep that in mind when you are going through a tough time. this too shall pass, and you will only be stronger for it.
take care.
Thank you Kaya. Your words speak to me more than you can ever know.
You're absolutely right in a sort of glamourizing of the "what ifs" when they're not there anymore. If by some odd occurance, the medical abortion didn't work and I had another chance to make a choice, I honestly would do it again. Not just because the cytotec causes birth defects but because the unfaltering idea that this was the right decision doesn't keep it from hurting like hell right now.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you've been through all you have and how hard you've fought in this lifetime to be who you are is incredible. It does give me hope for the future and a reality check as to what life could be like if I had made another choice, probably difficult years beyond what healing this abortion may need.
Through it all, I'm so happy that I had safe, legal, readily accessible abortion services within an hour of my home. I'm sure I'll have kids one day when it's with a supportive, loving partner or happily single on my own terms. I feel a little like I've hit a road block though. Trying desperately to see beyond this and I just can't. Thinking "What next?" I can't remember rediscovered goals that I found when faced with possibly losing them.
I know I'm not a mother so I really appreciate you all welcoming my posts here. I tried to search out some sites for post abortion support and they were all naming their fetuses and obsessing over due dates, writing poems to the fetuses, and finding god...just not my deal. I mean, if it works for someone but I found it triggering and no help.
Kaya you said everything I was thinking, you are an awesome support.
BeauteAmericai I hope you can "see past this" not so sound cliche, but I know how you feel about the What next feeling, I have never had an abortion, but I have always obsessed with what next in life, too much sometimes, that when I don't know what I'm doing in 6 months or a year, I feel completely hopeless and overwhelmed.
I've always found it helpful to write out a one year, five year and ten year plan, though things change in my life and what was on my five year plan five years ago aren't happening, I still find that it helps me deal with that feeling in the present. Try it it might help.
If you ever need someone to talk to you can pm me or msn messenger me I'm
I can't really offer advice but I can be a listening ear if you ever need one.
***HUGS***
Kaya you said everything I was thinking, you are an awesome support.
BeauteAmericai I hope you can "see past this" not so sound cliche, but I know how you feel (I hate saying that, I probably have no idea how you feel in the complexity of you unique situation) about the What next feeling, I have never had an abortion, but I have always obsessed with what next in life, too much sometimes, that when I don't know what I'm doing in 6 months or a year, I feel completely hopeless and overwhelmed.
I've always found it helpful to write out a one year, five year and ten year plan, though things change in my life and what was on my five year plan five years ago aren't happening, I still find that it helps me deal with that feeling in the present. Try it it might help.
If you ever need someone to talk to you can pm me or msn messenger me I'm
I can't really offer advice but I can be a listening ear if you ever need one.
***HUGS***
Hey there. Check your pms.
I replied to your last Pm.